She's too busy?

[hockeyman80]

Hey everyone I live an hour away from my SO in the summertime but live just down the road from her during the school year ( we go to the same college). We've been dating 10 months.

 

Anyway, I have an issue with her being "too busy" and sending a ton of mixed messages to me.

 

Basically, she has a hard time taking responsibility for anything so I'm left wondering a lot of the time. She's caused me to emotionally distance myself a few times to protect myself from all the mixed messages she sends.

 

I haven't seen her since last week and we haven't had an actual quality hangout in ages (I'm talking 7 weeks, she was gone away to Europe and has been home for 10 days now and I've seen her once and I wouldn't call it quality time). Her response when I call her out on this? She says that I don't ask her enough in advance to hang out.

 

Now, Sunday for some reason she went berserk at me saying I don't show I want this and asking me where my "passion and desire" was for her. She told me to prove that I had "passion and desire" for her by driving in to see her that night. Anyway, I stood up for myself and ended up making her feel guilty (I totally thought she was being way out of line). I know I try hard for her and she said she was just pissed off about something else.

 

So then she cancels the hangout Sunday night and says Monday would be a better night. So, Monday comes along and she cancels again last minute when I'm in my car ready to go out. She said it was for family reasons (it was her relatives last night in town).

 

Fine, I was disappointed. I expected her to make me a priority since she cancelled the past 2 nights but she didn't. I asked her what her plans were for the week and she has plans tonight (seeing a movie with her mother), tomrorow ( seeing her girl friend who she's seen 4 times this week already, and then going to a pre-canada day celebration with a girl she's only known for 2 weeks..) and Friday (She's coming to my hometown to party with her girl friend and staying with her yet she can't attend my family function on Sunday which I gave her 3 months notice of and has no excuse for why she can't.)

 

She said "I Do want to see you, you could come and see me on thursday night."

 

Now, I don't want to do this because she makes plans with all her friends, and randoms she barely knows and then decides to fit me in on the days where she's bored. I also have plans Thursday which I'm not willing to break because she doesn't do it for me. Am I seeing that wrong? Thats my view of it. She can't blow off a girl she's only known for 2 weeks tomorrow night to spend time with me. She can never back out on plans with her friends to see me but ALWAYS can back out on plans with me to see her friends.

 

I'm really pissed off. Especially about her coming to my town on Friday night to get drunk and she won't be seeing me or stayign at my house. We've gone out 10 months and she's visited my house / family all of THREE times. We've had one major fight where I've lost trust for her and it was because she was a flirty drunk and grinded up a dude she didn't know at the bar in my hometown, so I am VERY unhappy about the thought of her coming out, going to the exact same bar, and me not being there.

 

A little background info is that my SO has been going to bars non stop since we started going out. I rarely get an invite and the few times I do go with her I don't see her the whole night until shes on the dance floor almost passing out.

 

Insight please? I'm never a priority but she always says it's cause I don't give her enough notice. Seriously, does she need a weeks notice so she doesn't plan movie dates with her mother and Canada day celebrations with a girl she barely knows? I'd back out on my plans to make time for her since we live an HOUR APART and I'd LOVE to see her more than once a week.

 

Sorry for the long post / rant. It seemed like she was putting an effort in for me the other day and I got my hopes up that things would get better then this happens.

 

Am I justified in being pissed?

Edited June 29, 2010 by hockeyman80

[Serenitynow]

flirty drunk and grinded up a dude she didn't know at the bar in my hometown,

 

my SO has been going to bars non stop since we started going out. I rarely get an invite and the few times I do go with her I don't see her the whole night until shes on the dance floor almost passing out

 

LOL Why would anyone want to be with a girl like that ?

[hockeyman80]

Sadly, I'm to the point now where I've been convinced that this is OK and that to think otherwise is "insecure".

 

Anyway, I lost trust for her over the incident ( I think I made a thread about it months ago) and she didn't really do anything about it. Just said "It was a while ago, I'm over it now."

 

But anyway, what about the part about not having time for me. Am I selfish for getting pissed? She's coming to my town on Friday but it's for her friend, unless I go watch her grind guys on the dancefloor I won't be seeing her.

 

She doesn't go out of her way to make time to see me. I always have to drive the hour to see her ( don't think she realizes it costs money for gas).

 

Anyway did I overreact? I pretty much blew up when she told me her plans for the week after blowing me off the past two nights.

[seekandfind]

Dude, this relationship is so one-sided it is disgusting. She gets everything she wants and leaves you out to dry.

 

If I were you I would clearly explain the many things she is doing to destroy the relationship, and then tell her to have a nice life...

[reservoirdog1]

Personally, I think you should end it. What you've written gives a pretty clear indication that you're low on her list of priorities. Were that not the case, she'd be MAKING TIME to see you. When you're into somebody, that's just what you do. Something about them is like a drug to you and you feel the need to be around them. Clearly not the case with your GF. I agree with you -- she's fitting you in where she isn't doing something else already with people who should rank lower than you (way lower, in some cases) in terms of priority.

 

If you don't want to end it yet, I think you should simply stop contacting her. Leave it to her to contact you. And if five or six days go by without her doing so... then you have your answer, underlined in bold.

[D-Lish]

This girl isn't invested in your relationship. She expects you to do all the work and she's not giving you anything in return. That's indicative of someone that doesn't care enough to make an effort.

 

I'd go the pre-emptive strike route and break up with her first.

[hockeyman80]

I'm glad to see you all weigh in on this. I'm not sure what really happened with me but since this relationship started I find I can no longer tell what is acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship.

 

I did have many, many, many feelings of this relationship being one-sided. I try to talk to her about it but it doesn't lead anywhere. We're both relatively young but I still don't think that's an excuse for her to leave me out to dry all the time.

 

reservoirdog, I am indeed low on her list of priorities. She has always told me that I'm important to her along with her friends and family and that I should feel "honored to be on the same level as her friends". But clearly her actions indicate otherwise. Although I never did want to compete with her friends, it would be nice to be a priority over them SOME of the time, I thought that was reasonable to expect that.

 

Especially in times like this where she RARELY ever comes to my hometown (I'm always expected to make the drive to go see her, she chalks it up to me never inviting her out but I have. Also, why can't she tell me that she wants to come out, if she did?) and yet she's sleeping at her friends house who she spends waaaay more time with than she does with me, while going to the bar where ***** went down before, while not inviting me again.

 

I tried the no contact thing before and she does come back, she texts me but her behavior does not change. It's like she's texting me for the sake of texting me, then she goes on about how I don't want her and blah blah blah..I don't think she breaks the no contact for any reason other than the fact that she thinks it shows her "effort".

 

I don't want it to end yet though, but really.. what other options do I have here? I feel like I'm trying to convince her that I should be a priority, but clearly that will never work. Sometimes she slaps temporary fixes and shows a ton of affection for one night, then it's back to her old ways.

 

D-Lish, I agree with that. Now mind you I'm not perfect but I do put 100% into her when we're together, and am very considerate of her feelings. Emotionally, she's just never given me anything in return and my needs are often neglected along with my feelings. If I feel crappy about something, 99.99% of the time she chalks it up to me being "insecure" and she rarely (I'm talking maybe once since we've started dating) thinks it has anything to do with her.

 

I could sit here though and name endless amounts of things that I've done for her, her family, and her friends. Everything that was important to her was naturally important to me too. Yet I feel like she's neglecting my feelings and wants hardcore.

 

I try to pull away from her when talking about it with her doesn't work but then I get lectured on not having any "passion and desire" for her. She's reaaal good and spinning it back on me. I stand up for myself, always. If she's being a b!tch she can be expected to be treated like a b!tch, but I think sometimes she expects me to still pamper her with flowers and gifts when she's basically not even in this relationship anymore.

 

I'd also like to point out that I'm super confused because I've never been on this side of things before. Usually it'd either be the other way around or something. Or there'd just be no confusion at all. How do you draw the line between having an independent girlfriend and a girlfriend who basically isn't a girlfriend?

Edited June 30, 2010 by hockeyman80

[hockeyman80]

reservoirdog1, since I flipped at her yesterday she didn't respond until about an hour ago, but she's trying to talk to me as if me flipping out at her yesterday didn't even happen. She didn't respond to me freaking out at her about me not being a priority, she texted me telling me how her day at work was. How do you deal with that? I didn't respond yet.