gamma1 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 You'll find someone, but you can't force it. I think it'll happen when you aren't looking for it, if you know what I mean? Many people wish it were true that love would magically show up. How would not looking for love increase his chances of finding it?
harmfulsweetz Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Many people wish it were true that love would magically show up. How would not looking for love increase his chances of finding it? I find that sometimes when you actively pursue it, it becomes forced, where it shouldn't be like that is all. I'm not saying don't date, but if the connection isn't there, it isn't there.
Mr White Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 just remember OP, the women you want to date and fall hard for will have consistent patterns of personality that you find irresistible and will produce those butterflies. I know it sounds predestined and robotic but this is what taps human desire. Logic and thinking (i.e liking a person-good partner traits) won't do it. This is a really important point and I don't understand why it is so under-emphasized. It is like not being able to excited about any good food, but have a really big thing for - say - barbeque. Barbeque makes your heart pound, maybe because your dad took you to a pit when your little, or whatever, so it's special. This doesn't mean that you can't have healthy relationships with other kinds of food . Just because they don't make your heart pound doesn't mean that they are not just as good - or better - for you.
gamma1 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I find that sometimes when you actively pursue it, it becomes forced, where it shouldn't be like that is all. I'm not saying don't date, but if the connection isn't there, it isn't there. It only becomes forced if they are not right for each other. Also, the butterflies develop over time for some couples. If things are improving, then maybe he should give it a chance. Otherwise, he should move on.
harmfulsweetz Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 It only becomes forced if they are not right for each other. Also, the butterflies develop over time for some couples. If things are improving, then maybe he should give it a chance. Otherwise, he should move on. True. Sometimes it does take a while, others not so long.
counterman Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 There's a natural drive when I really do want to date a girl. I would be forcing it if that drive wasn't there and I continue to date her. Everything seems to take an emphasised effort, whereas it feels more natural to me if there's excitement in seeing a girl. That bears the question why someone continue to date someone else if they could not care less about seeing them again? Well, like some posters have said, the person may be a great person in everyway but you just don't feel those "butterflies". In my experience, it gets really draining when you try to establish something with a girl you're not interested in but she's interested in you. I did this because I was not sure whether it was time or not, and these girls were wonderful. However, in the end, it wouldn't have worked.
gamma1 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Well, like some posters have said, the person may be a great person in everyway but you just don't feel those "butterflies". There should be some of this, but being a great person in every other way should count for a lot more than it does. Maybe I'm just bitter having having been rejected a number of times after first dates over this, so take some of my opinions with a grain of salt.
counterman Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 My recent ex-girlfriend thought I was great, a real catch, however, she said that I would be ideally someone she would date later on in her life, when she's ready to marry. Truth of the matter is that she wasn't feeling what I was feeling and, hence, why things ended the way it ended. If you're a great person and you go out with a girl who doesn't feel that feeling at the start, then it may or may not grow on her. But, I do believe that it takes more than just one date to really get to know. In saying that, what gets you the next date? I think it's whether she's interested or not. I have had first dates where the girl isn't interested in a second afterwards. Is this a fault of mind? No. Not every girl will be interested in me and that is fine. Plus, I don't want to date a girl who doesn't want to genuinely get to know me. I am great but I'm not just going to share that with anyone. Oh, and always end a date with a kiss. I think it just adds that extra thrill to it all no matter how the date went and it might get you a second date. Being a great person does count for a lot but physical attraction and interests is what gets one foot in. I have met many truly wonderful girls and it's a pity I don't feel that way about them.
Green Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Yes, I am taking advice from women, because they can often provide insight that men wouldn't think of, and I'm not so narrowminded that I close off the advice of an entire gender just because of preconceived notions or beliefs. But I am also intelligent enough to make my own decisions based on all the information and advise given to me. Narrow mindedness has nothing to do with it. Obviously making you own decisions is key as advice from other men can be just as damaging if you don't do that. Marines aren't soldiers. Yes and Dolphins arn't fish. Splendidly. I have pretty much everything I'd want out of life at the moment outside of dating and relationships. Interesting to say such a thing. Just do what you did to get pretty much everything you wanted out of life and apply it to relationships. You just give off the vibe you are VERRY unconfident with women and comparing yourself to other men. Flip the switch and you will get what you want. Next time you see a woman you fall in love with at first sight, go after her and make her yours. It will happen.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Interesting to say such a thing. Just do what you did to get pretty much everything you wanted out of life and apply it to relationships. You just give off the vibe you are VERRY unconfident with women and comparing yourself to other men. Flip the switch and you will get what you want. Everything I've ever posted in your various "women love men who..." threads has been filled with sarcasm...as in: ...so I don't know if you read what I wrote seriously...but it was meant to show how ridiculous some of your assertions were... But no, I'm not unconfident with women...I used to be...but not so much anymore...
Green Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Everything I've ever posted in your various "women love men who..." threads has been filled with sarcasm...as in: ...so I don't know if you read what I wrote seriously...but it was meant to show how ridiculous some of your assertions were... But no, I'm not unconfident with women...I used to be...but not so much anymore... I believe in all of my assertions. But there is one thing that I believe all else... YOU MUST ENJOY A WOMAN. You must CREATE your perfect woman. It doesn't matter if you used to be uncofident as long as in the pressent you have 100% confidence. Its a mind set so all that matters is the present not past/future. I've dated women before who I felt one way when we started dating and then I lost interest. If you lose interest whether it be a week, a month, or years... well then its time to go... I mean unless you are comitted (married with children ect.)
Author USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 I believe in all of my assertions. But there is one thing that I believe all else... YOU MUST ENJOY A WOMAN. You must CREATE your perfect woman. It doesn't matter if you used to be uncofident as long as in the pressent you have 100% confidence. Its a mind set so all that matters is the present not past/future. I've dated women before who I felt one way when we started dating and then I lost interest. If you lose interest whether it be a week, a month, or years... well then its time to go... I mean unless you are comitted (married with children ect.) I agree with you here on all counts. The perfect woman doesn't just come walking up to your door. You have to play an active part in "creating," as you put it. And the past is my past. I know who I used to be, and I only use it to further appreciate who I've become. And there has been no commitment with either girl, as we're still in the early dating stages, so I felt that this was the time to decide whether to make it or break it...
Crazy Magnet Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Oops, I think my post came off wrong. I don't think you had butterflies with your exgf because she was your first love, I just went so long without the butterflies that I chalked mine up to a first love experience. As it turns out, at 30 and 35 my BF and I can still have those same intense butterflies. The best part is, like you mentioned, the butterflies have turned into those crazy love feelings, but we also have that peaceful and safe feeling within the relationship too. Not that I would want to go back and change my dating life, but I suppose if I could I would tell myself to keep looking for the one that gave me all of those things, butterflies, crazy love, and safety and not stop and "settle" along the way. I say if you want the spark then keep looking until you find it. She's out there but you will have to search far and wide to find her.
EYECANDY000 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Ive posted a thread sort of similar to this situation. About why people date someone immediately after a break up when they are emotionally unavailable. well, I find myself in that same situation. I am currently broken up with my bf and I want to date/talk to other guys to get my mind off him. And Ive met a really nice guy , but I wlready know that he wont have a chance. Why? because I still have feelings for my ex, and I know if I get involved with this new guy and my ex comes back, I will accept him with open arms, And I just dont want to hurt the new guys feelings. So if you arent feeling any connection then let the two girls know you just want to be friends. if not then oh well..
bananaboat11 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Ive posted a thread sort of similar to this situation. About why people date someone immediately after a break up when they are emotionally unavailable. well, I find myself in that same situation. I am currently broken up with my bf and I want to date/talk to other guys to get my mind off him. And Ive met a really nice guy , but I wlready know that he wont have a chance. Why? because I still have feelings for my ex, and I know if I get involved with this new guy and my ex comes back, I will accept him with open arms, And I just dont want to hurt the new guys feelings. So if you arent feeling any connection then let the two girls know you just want to be friends. if not then oh well.. JUST. HAPPENED. TO. ME. Girl still had feelings for ex. She wanted me too. We broke up. she's settling for the ex who won't give her a relationship. I'm moving on without her... she still wants to keep me on the side. I said **** that.
Diezel Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Alright, what's up with the wishy washiness in this thread. I'm certainly APALLED at some of the responses in here... First of all, Marine... this isn't Hollywood. This isn't a movie where there are sparks at first sight and by the end of the first date people are saying: I love you to each other. No. We don't work that way. What you experience the first 2 to 5 times that you go out with a woman is LUST. That's the ONLY emotional connection you'll feel with a woman in the beginning... the emotion to bed her. People can jump all over me for saying that, but let's not deny the carnal desire within men. The emotional connection... and I repeat... for MEN, develops much later, once we have learned that this "woman" is worth our time and us worth hers. All these crushes that you read about are usually one-sided situations where the guy totally falls for the girl, ONLY because the girl won't give him the time of day. Personal Story: When I first met my girlfriend, we went out on ONE date, and I decided that I'd never go out with her again. She thought she had had the best date ever with me, and I was thinking the complete opposite. I was also going out with two other women that seemed like MUCH better choices than she was. BUT, as fate would have it, we gave each other another shot and it turned out to be MUCH better. I eventually stopped seeing other women and THEN I connected with her at an emotional level a few months after. One month is NOT enough time for a man to become emotionally bonded with a woman. The idea of dating is to see whether we are eventually compatible, one with the other... but if you cut your losses BEFORE you develop anything in particular... aren't you actually doing yourself a GREAT disservice? How will you know whether that girl that you ditched after 4 dates isn't one that could be largely compatible in the long run? I say, don't be quick to ditch because you don't FEEL anything right away. BONUS: Oh and that girl who told you she wasn't into marriage and kids... that was probably a test. You'll VERY rarely find a woman who will openly admit to that and THEN MEAN IT in the long run. I know it's important to match goals, but this is why it's important to measure actions .vs. words. You only know that girl for ONE month, you don't know if she truly MEANS that in the end. What if after 6 months of going out with you, she decides she wants to change her stance on that issue???
Mr White Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I'm with Diezel. I wouldn't speak of any real emotional connection with my own wonderful gf at least until 6-7 months into it, and I have a friend who even insists he didn't have much of one until he got married . Also, there is a huge confusion in what people mean by "emotional connection". Definitially speaking, it is knowing someone well enough to feel that you can mutually share the most intimate aspects of yourself and feel understood and appreciated. Any butterflies beyond that have more to do with personal idyosincrasies that are for whatever reason tickled by the other person, but that doesn't necessarily mean that an actual connection exists.
Nuprin Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 I'm sorry to hear that. It seems that the more experience you have in dating (and subsequent break ups), the more baggage you'll acculmulate. Therefore, it'll take longer for you to find the special one that you can unfurl the ton weight of past relationship debris you have to sort through to have a clear vision. Good luck and keep at it. However after spending enough time with them and you don't see or hope to see any spark, then you need to cut your losses and look for someone new. It's like going to a half ass, cheap buffet. After all the choices offered, you can still uncover something edible. With such a cynical and developed tastebud, it's hard to appreciate anything. But once it shows up, you'll know. Dam* that's a stupid analogy, but you get my point.
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