harmfulsweetz Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 If I'm honest, I'd sooner be single, and on my own, than be with someone that didn't entirely do it for me. Maybe it is a time thing, maybe it's because you're dating two girls, and you can't form the emotional connection yet, maybe you're not over your ex enough to date again? Either way, I'd wait until you find someone that makes you feel that spark.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 First, I sincerely applaud you for being forthright about wanting an emotional connection! It's sad, stifling, and very mentally unhealthy that the modern man has been socialized not to express emotions and the desire for intimacy and connection. Good for you for bravely being you. Second, I think people have made some great points about making sure your walls are down, giving a new girl a chance, and not expecting the level of comfort and ease you had with your ex with a brand new person. That takes time to develop. And finally, in spite of those great points, I firmly believe that the natural energy between people speaks volumes. If you are not feeling much of it within a few dates, it's probably not going to get much better.
TouchedByViolet Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I firmly believe that the natural energy between people speaks volumes. If you are not feeling much of it within a few dates, it's probably not going to get much better. I agree with this. I think you just haven't found the right person yet.
JoJola Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 From my experience if there are not any "emotional Butterflies" set the girls free and continue looking. I know that I have dated about 10 men in the last year..some once, some more than once however only one captivated me and he is still the one even though we are no longer together. I will continue looking for the next one who gives me "butterflies"...and let the others move on to avoid any heartbreak for them in the end when it does not work..or agree you are friends. Two men I dated that we did not have those feelings have become my best friends.
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Aw, don't get discouraged. As you've already found out there are so many different views on this. Should you expect an intense emotional connection with these women after only a few dates? No, but you should at least be excited to see them. I went on a few dates with a guy (previous to current BF) who was the total package - smart, funny, attractive, educated, and successful. He liked me and I wanted SO BADLY to like him back! And when I thought about all of his desirable traits in my head, I couldn't understand why I felt no emotional spark with him whatsoever. Sometimes there's just no explanation - neither party is doing anything wrong - it just doesn't click. And if that's the case, it's probably time to move on...lots of fish in the sea. ;]
Author USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Thanks everyone for your comments and thoughts! That's why I love LS so much... @ Kissandmakeup: You're right, with both girls, there isn't an emotional spark and it just doesn't click for me. I understand that it takes time to develop an emotional connection, and things can move along as quickly and "perfectly" as they did with my ex, but I find that I'm not all that excited to go out on dates...hell, last week, I was actually relieved when one of the girls flaked out at the last minute on our date (as in she called me while I was driving out to pick her up...). I think I'm getting a little tired of going out on dates and miss hanging out with my male friends...it's been a while since I've gotten to do that... @ Jojola: I try to make it a policy not to stay friends with failed dates, but I agree with what you're saying... @ Ruby Slippers: Thanks for the kind words. I am proud to be who I am, and if a woman thinks less of me for it, then so be it. I'm sure there are women who would appreciate me for who I am. And I understand what you're saying about natural energy...and I definitely don't feel like I'm giving it off...when I look objectively at how I act around them, I'm getting more and more ambivalent about dating them... @ Skydive: I think you might be right... @ harmfulsweetz: Even if I was dating two girls, which I kind of stumbled into, I figured it'd be easier to know if one was really the "one" since they would so overwhelmingly grab my head and my heart over the other...but neither has done that. But I think you're right that I'm better off single...I'm just afraid I won't find that same spark again... @ reservoirdog: My relationship only lasted about 6 months...but it was my first one, and I don't know if that has anything to do with how much of an effect it has had on me...and I know it's a terrible thing to compare new girls to my ex...and I make a conscious effort not to do that, but I can't help but feel less than excited that I don't get that spark like I had with my ex... @ Crazy Magnet: So you think the butterflies are more associated with her being my "first love" versus her being the "one" for me...? Good lord, 10 years is a long time...better start marking my calendars... @ Jilly Bean, Paddington bear, and LoneSock: What you say makes a lot of sense, but I hate to be that guy that ends things that otherwise seem to be going well...
Green Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Emotional Butterflies (wtf) and taking advice from WOMEN.... You sound like a woman soldier. Do you find them PRETTY/SEXY?? Have you seen them naked? Just undress them and stare at them in the nude and see if you feel differently. If you arn't attracted then so be it. How is your life going? Are you chasing after your dreams? Don't expect to find your dream woman unless you are going after the other things you want in life too.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Emotional Butterflies (wtf) and taking advice from WOMEN.... Yes, I am taking advice from women, because they can often provide insight that men wouldn't think of, and I'm not so narrowminded that I close off the advice of an entire gender just because of preconceived notions or beliefs. But I am also intelligent enough to make my own decisions based on all the information and advise given to me. You sound like a woman soldier. Marines aren't soldiers. Do you find them PRETTY/SEXY?? Have you seen them naked? Just undress them and stare at them in the nude and see if you feel differently. Yes and yes. If you arn't attracted then so be it. Not an issue. How is your life going? Are you chasing after your dreams? Don't expect to find your dream woman unless you are going after the other things you want in life too. Splendidly. I have pretty much everything I'd want out of life at the moment outside of dating and relationships.
bananaboat11 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 KC, for as long as we've been friends - I tell you this with an open heart. I personally do not believe it is you. You have grieved the loss of X... you have sought personal insight and self-reflected. You have 'rebounded' of sorts... and devoured some of life's pleasures, but one thing you have not realized is that.. it just doesn't happen. I will agree... dating multiple partners can limit your chances of truly establishing a real connection with one woman. And isn't that the point of dating at our age? To meet and connect with one woman? If you're putting all your eggs into multiple baskets... you run the risk of spreading yourself too thin and those baskets may float away. Terrible analogy, I know. You are an amazing guy (no homo). I've seen it. I know it. Sometimes... you need to cut your losses... remain friends, or not (if there was a romantic interest/connection) and push forward with yourself and eventually meet the one who just 'turns it on' with you. And by turns it on... I refer to through life you meet potential partners... but very few will you truly fall in love with. And those that you do... will NEVER be forgotten. Ever. There is a fine line between infatuation and love.. and you and I both know this... but find that one you want to grow to love... and hold her hand until death do you part. Find someone who deserves you... who you deserve. She is out there.
skydiveaddict Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Marines aren't soldiers. . lol I was waiting for that comment
Author USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 lol I was waiting for that comment Hahah, I had a feeling that you'd appreciate... :laugh:
Author USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Thanks for the response, Rob. And I agree, multi-dating is definitely not for me...but I don't think my feelings towards either of the girls would have changed if I had been seeing them one at a time... X is the only girl I've ever truly loved...and you're right, I won't ever forget...but I just hope that I'm capable of loving like that again... No homo.
aerogurl87 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I've been seeing a couple girls for about a month now, and although I've had fun and get along with both of them, I don't seem to be developing any sort of emotional connection with either of them. That is, if I were to never see or talk to either of them again, I would honestly not be the slightest bit hurt. I want to feel an emotional connection with someone again...it's been almost a year since the breakup that left me a broken mess, but I feel like I've bounced back from that and am ready to be with someone again. So I don't know whether it's an emotional wall I built after the breakup or that I'm just not that into the girls I'm dating. Or perhaps my relationship with my ex left me with unrealistic expectations of dating...I just feel like no one can give me those "butterflies" that she did...and it's been turning me off from dating...again... Do you continue dating someone who doesn't give you those butterflies in hopes that those feelings will develop, or do you just cut your losses and move on...? I haven't read your whole thread, but I'll just reply to the original post. My current boyfriend didn't really give me butterflies when we first started talking and when we met in person (we met online and are now in a LDR) he didn't really give me butterflies then either. At first I thought this was horrible as with my ex endorphins were shooting through my veins like missiles. But with my boyfriend I got something better, I got peace and a feeling that I was safe. I got love that is calm and soothing, and that's been 10 times better than the craziness of infatuation. Do I love him? Yes with all my heart, in fact he's been the first guy I've dated where the temptation to dump him hasn't struck me when a hot guy passes my way. So what I'm saying is, give it time. If your happy and enjoy your time with any of these ladies give them a chance. A romantic relationship doesn't always have to have that crazy love feeling in the beginning for that person to be worth dating long term. See what develops and you might be pleasantly surprised down the road.
bananaboat11 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Thanks for the response, Rob. And I agree, multi-dating is definitely not for me...but I don't think my feelings towards either of the girls would have changed if I had been seeing them one at a time... X is the only girl I've ever truly loved...and you're right, I won't ever forget...but I just hope that I'm capable of loving like that again... No homo. KC, I know you will. You have the capacity and capability. Not many do... There are few people out there we each will ever truly want to love until our dying days... but you will know it. And you will find her. And I see it happening when you least expect it.. with a woman you hadn't in your wildest dreams thought it would be... but she will make your heart, your head, and your gut sing to the same tune. And you... unite her heart, her head, her gut, her body, and her dreams into one reality... And I can envision you both lying in bed together one hundred years from now, hands clenched together as you each whisper, "I love you with every waking breath. And in death, I will always keep you in my heart. As if it were the very first day I was falling in love with you... and every day thereafter only to fall more in love with you over and over again.." ...as you close your eyes, and she her own. Together.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 I haven't read your whole thread, but I'll just reply to the original post. My current boyfriend didn't really give me butterflies when we first started talking and when we met in person (we met online and are now in a LDR) he didn't really give me butterflies then either. At first I thought this was horrible as with my ex endorphins were shooting through my veins like missiles. But with my boyfriend I got something better, I got peace and a feeling that I was safe. I got love that is calm and soothing, and that's been 10 times better than the craziness of infatuation. Do I love him? Yes with all my heart, in fact he's been the first guy I've dated where the temptation to dump him hasn't struck me when a hot guy passes my way. So what I'm saying is, give it time. If your happy and enjoy your time with any of these ladies give them a chance. A romantic relationship doesn't always have to have that crazy love feeling in the beginning for that person to be worth dating long term. See what develops and you might be pleasantly surprised down the road. Aero, your response has actually been the only one that has recommended that I continue dating and seeing where things go, so it's a refreshing and appreciated perspective on this little issue of mine. Perhaps it's just some stupid idea I have stuck in my head, but I feel that if I stick around, I'd be "settling" for one of them...never once in my relationship with the ex did I ever feel like I was settling...that crazy infatuation did turn into the crazy love feeling that did turn into the safe, calm, secure, soothing and peaceful feeling that you mentioned...so I don't know... But I understand what you're saying that the best things don't always come sprinting out of the gate, so to speak. And honestly, I don't know how these girls feel about me, so this may all be a moot point if they aren't really attached themselves...
Author USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 And I can envision you both lying in bed together one hundred years from now, hands clenched together as you each whisper, "I love you with every waking breath. And in death, I will always keep you in my heart. As if it were the very first day I was falling in love with you... and every day thereafter only to fall more in love with you over and over again.." ...as you close your eyes, and she her own. Together. So this would make me 126...hopefully I'll still have my abs...
pandagirl Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 For me, butterflies are not necessary. I've had them and they didn't amount to much. BUT... You have to feel happy to see them. They make you smile, and you feel comfortable and relaxed around them. You can be yourself, and you know they like you just the way you are. They make you want to be the best version of yourself, and time spent with them is better than time spent without them. When something good happen to you, they're the first person you want to call. I don't know how long you've been dating these girls, but if none of these feelings are developing for them after a couple of months, maybe they just aren't the right person for you OR maybe you aren't just ready to open your heart up again. In my opinion, finding love is a little bit of luck and a little bit of timing. I know I've passed up dating a number of guys because I just wasn't in the right mindset at the time. I know partly the reason I am with my boyfriend now is because I was READY to be in a relationship. Don't beat yourself up over this. Most people go through a LOT of relationships before they find the right one.
aerogurl87 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Aero, your response has actually been the only one that has recommended that I continue dating and seeing where things go, so it's a refreshing and appreciated perspective on this little issue of mine. Perhaps it's just some stupid idea I have stuck in my head, but I feel that if I stick around, I'd be "settling" for one of them...never once in my relationship with the ex did I ever feel like I was settling...that crazy infatuation did turn into the crazy love feeling that did turn into the safe, calm, secure, soothing and peaceful feeling that you mentioned...so I don't know... But I understand what you're saying that the best things don't always come sprinting out of the gate, so to speak. And honestly, I don't know how these girls feel about me, so this may all be a moot point if they aren't really attached themselves... I can see how you might worry that you may be "settling" as you don't feel those fireworks like you did with your ex. With my ex I felt from the moment I spoke to him that he was something special and to this day I still love him, but I'll always love him unconditionally as I did from the moment we first spoke and through every argument and heartbreak he put me through. But at the same time, sometimes it's not always just about how you feel about the other person, but how do they make you feel? Do any of these girls make you feel like your the next best thing since sliced bread? Do they make you feel special, like something could happen in the future? I ask because sometimes the expression "I loved them because they loved me first" holds true. Sometimes we fall in love because we realize that although initially that love high isn't there, through the way they treat us we can grow to love them. It's not the type of fairytale love story most people are looking for in today's world, but it works at times. My boyfriend respects me, treats me as an equal, is caring, loyal, honest, and a romantic. And the way he loved me first made it so I couldn't help but fall in love with him. Just something to think about.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 But at the same time, sometimes it's not always just about how you feel about the other person, but how do they make you feel? Do any of these girls make you feel like your the next best thing since sliced bread? Do they make you feel special, like something could happen in the future? Well, Girl A does make me feel like the best thing since sliced bread. She openly expresses how much she appreciates me and what I have to offer. Unfortunately, she said that she never wanted kids and wasn't all about marriage and all that, which was essentially a dealbreaker for me. She's a lot of fun and we get along great, but I'm pretty certain I couldn't do anything long term with her. Girl B has great long term potential as a partner on paper, but she doesn't seem to be too enthusiastic about me. She definitely doesn't make me feel special or even wanted at times. It's like I'm "just there" to her...hard to get sparks flying under those conditions... I ask because sometimes the expression "I loved them because they loved me first" holds true. Sometimes we fall in love because we realize that although initially that love high isn't there, through the way they treat us we can grow to love them. It's not the type of fairytale love story most people are looking for in today's world, but it works at times. My boyfriend respects me, treats me as an equal, is caring, loyal, honest, and a romantic. And the way he loved me first made it so I couldn't help but fall in love with him. Just something to think about. I don't really know how either of them truly feels about me or the potential for a serious relationship, so I don't really know if I could necessarily fall in love with them because they care about me so much...but I know exactly what you mean...it's one of the reasons my ex and I felt so strongly about each other...because we had that mutual love for each other that we both had never experienced before in a partner...it was obviously my first love, but for her, she told me time and time again that no one in her life had ever felt the way I felt about her...and it just made her love me even more...
Author USMCHokie Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 You have to feel happy to see them. They make you smile, and you feel comfortable and relaxed around them. You can be yourself, and you know they like you just the way you are. They make you want to be the best version of yourself, and time spent with them is better than time spent without them. When something good happen to you, they're the first person you want to call. Yea...this is definitely not the case...I'm kind of indifferent when I see them...and if I never saw them again, I wouldn't be hurt in the slightest...I know, it's terrible... In my opinion, finding love is a little bit of luck and a little bit of timing. I know I've passed up dating a number of guys because I just wasn't in the right mindset at the time. I know partly the reason I am with my boyfriend now is because I was READY to be in a relationship. I absolutely agree with this...timing is just as important as the person herself...meeting my ex was a crazy combination of luck and timing...and then timing went to complete sh*t after 6 months and we broke up...but such is life...
pandagirl Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Yea...this is definitely not the case...I'm kind of indifferent when I see them...and if I never saw them again, I wouldn't be hurt in the slightest...I know, it's terrible... I absolutely agree with this...timing is just as important as the person herself...meeting my ex was a crazy combination of luck and timing...and then timing went to complete sh*t after 6 months and we broke up...but such is life... It's not terrible! Why is it terrible? This is what is called... DATING! There's so many people out there and we can't expect to fall in love with every person we date. It's OK. Then we do find love, and for whatever reasons, it didn't last. There's nothing wrong with that either. The important part is to be happy with yourself and to know yourself well enough to know what you want. Once that all happens, you won't question your decisions. You'll be able to say definitively: "Yes, she isn't right for me," "I like her, I need to get to know her better," or "This girl is the one for me."
gypsy_nicky Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 just remember OP, the women you want to date and fall hard for will have consistent patterns of personality that you find irresistible and will produce those butterflies. I know it sounds predestined and robotic but this is what taps human desire. Logic and thinking (i.e liking a person-good partner traits) won't do it.
counterman Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I'm sort of the in the same boat as you. A few girls I flirted with were interested in me but I didn't feel that excitement to want to talk to them again. So, I did not ask them out. Even though the thought crossed my mind that maybe I should just try and see, I could not bring myself to do it and would rather spend that time with my mates. I miss that feeling I felt with my ex and wanting to see her. However, as someone said, those feelings made me irrational and I found myself doing things I never thought I would. I think I would be better equipped to tone down my emotions now. These girls I spoke to recently, I just didn't care if I spoke to them again or not. Also, I agree with what aerogurl said. It is also about how they make you feel as well than how you feel about them. Even though I loved my ex, I often felt unappreciated and unloved. I don't really want to head back there. If both girls don't do it for you, then they don't. I think you should not date them anymore. A bit of fun is awesome but if you want something more then you're never going to be satisfied with the way things are.
DollWelch Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 You at least have a woman (-or women) interested in you. Consider yourself lucky, USMCHokie. You could be worse off, and have no one. You'll figure it out. You know, deep within your soul, whether or not the woman is right for you.
harmfulsweetz Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Thanks everyone for your comments and thoughts! That's why I love LS so much... @ Kissandmakeup: You're right, with both girls, there isn't an emotional spark and it just doesn't click for me. I understand that it takes time to develop an emotional connection, and things can move along as quickly and "perfectly" as they did with my ex, but I find that I'm not all that excited to go out on dates...hell, last week, I was actually relieved when one of the girls flaked out at the last minute on our date (as in she called me while I was driving out to pick her up...). I think I'm getting a little tired of going out on dates and miss hanging out with my male friends...it's been a while since I've gotten to do that... @ Jojola: I try to make it a policy not to stay friends with failed dates, but I agree with what you're saying... @ Ruby Slippers: Thanks for the kind words. I am proud to be who I am, and if a woman thinks less of me for it, then so be it. I'm sure there are women who would appreciate me for who I am. And I understand what you're saying about natural energy...and I definitely don't feel like I'm giving it off...when I look objectively at how I act around them, I'm getting more and more ambivalent about dating them... @ Skydive: I think you might be right... @ harmfulsweetz: Even if I was dating two girls, which I kind of stumbled into, I figured it'd be easier to know if one was really the "one" since they would so overwhelmingly grab my head and my heart over the other...but neither has done that. But I think you're right that I'm better off single...I'm just afraid I won't find that same spark again... @ reservoirdog: My relationship only lasted about 6 months...but it was my first one, and I don't know if that has anything to do with how much of an effect it has had on me...and I know it's a terrible thing to compare new girls to my ex...and I make a conscious effort not to do that, but I can't help but feel less than excited that I don't get that spark like I had with my ex... @ Crazy Magnet: So you think the butterflies are more associated with her being my "first love" versus her being the "one" for me...? Good lord, 10 years is a long time...better start marking my calendars... @ Jilly Bean, Paddington bear, and LoneSock: What you say makes a lot of sense, but I hate to be that guy that ends things that otherwise seem to be going well... You'll find someone, but you can't force it. I think it'll happen when you aren't looking for it, if you know what I mean? It isn't fair to anyone sticking with this, when you know you heart isn't feeling it as you should. It's how these things go sometimes.
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