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Dating, But No Emotional Butterflies...


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Posted

I've been seeing a couple girls for about a month now, and although I've had fun and get along with both of them, I don't seem to be developing any sort of emotional connection with either of them. That is, if I were to never see or talk to either of them again, I would honestly not be the slightest bit hurt.

 

I want to feel an emotional connection with someone again...it's been almost a year since the breakup that left me a broken mess, but I feel like I've bounced back from that and am ready to be with someone again. So I don't know whether it's an emotional wall I built after the breakup or that I'm just not that into the girls I'm dating. Or perhaps my relationship with my ex left me with unrealistic expectations of dating...I just feel like no one can give me those "butterflies" that she did...and it's been turning me off from dating...again... :(

 

Do you continue dating someone who doesn't give you those butterflies in hopes that those feelings will develop, or do you just cut your losses and move on...?

Posted

Do you continue dating someone who doesn't give you those butterflies in hopes that those feelings will develop, or do you just cut your losses and move on...?

 

IMO if you don't feel the connection then you cut them loose..

 

But....

You are dating more than one at a time.. it can be hard to build any emotional connection when your time and thoughts are on more than one girl.

 

And...

You have most likely built a wall around yourself and have set the bar so high for a woman that right now almost no woman will be able to get over the bar..

 

My suggestion is to pick the one girl you like the most and stop seeing the other and work on lowering your guard..

If that doesn't work then it wasn't meant to be and you need to move on to another girl...

Posted

What unrealistic expectations were you expecting from your dates?

Posted

Nah, I think it's more appropriate to end things if you don't feel an emotional connection. Most of the time when people hope something will develop, it usually doesn't.

Posted

There are different schools of thought on this one. My take is that you can't possibly come even close to feeling any sort of connection to someone you've met - what?- 2-3 times?

 

Also, depending on who you ask, lack of butterflies can be a good thing - a tabula rasa that would allow you to rationally, gradually and realistically build a connection vs. whirhlwing feelings, which, some psychologists would say, is simply the result of meeting someone with just the right idyosincrasies that helps re-live (and thus tame) past traumas rather than of any authentic "connection".

 

Finally, the presence or absence of butterflies does not determine the viability and the healthfulness of a relationship. I've had both and the one with the butterflies was worse by any measure.

  • Author
Posted
What unrealistic expectations were you expecting from your dates?

 

That I'd get that smitten feeling...the feeling that I can't wait to see them again...

 

Basically all the lovey dovey crap I had with my ex... :rolleyes:

Posted

A marine searching for butterflies? Oy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding bro good luck.

Posted
That I'd get that smitten feeling...the feeling that I can't wait to see them again...

 

Basically all the lovey dovey crap I had with my ex... :rolleyes:

 

 

Give it one more year and you'll begin to wonder what was so special about your ex. I've observed that 2 years (and a new girl :)) is what it takes to get over it ;)

Posted

I know exactly how you feel. My last relationship (we dated for a year and broke up last fall) was the most intense, passionate experience I have ever had in my short 20 years on this earth, and now I feel like it is going to be a long time before I meet someone new who makes feel that way :(

 

I would say if you have been seeing someone for a couple weeks, and aren't really that excited to see them each time you guys plan a date, then they probably aren't doing it for you. But as long as you are keeping it casual and not leading them on, I think it's ok for you to have fun and date around a little.

Posted
That I'd get that smitten feeling...the feeling that I can't wait to see them again...

 

Basically all the lovey dovey crap I had with my ex... :rolleyes:

 

That's what I thought.

 

You're trying to relive your past relationship, which isn't really wise. You're still shadowed by the ex, so you want your next relationship to give you that high feeling you initiatly got with ex.

  • Author
Posted
IMO if you don't feel the connection then you cut them loose..

 

But....

You are dating more than one at a time.. it can be hard to build any emotional connection when your time and thoughts are on more than one girl.

 

This is a good point, but at the same time, neither of them has really caught my attention enough to choose one to stay with...

 

 

And...

You have most likely built a wall around yourself and have set the bar so high for a woman that right now almost no woman will be able to get over the bar..

 

You're right again...I find myself thinking about my ex again lately...definitely not a good sign...

 

 

My suggestion is to pick the one girl you like the most and stop seeing the other and work on lowering your guard..

If that doesn't work then it wasn't meant to be and you need to move on to another girl...

 

I have been thinking about stopping with both and just not dating again...I don't know...

Posted
A marine searching for butterflies? Oy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding bro good luck.

 

Never you mind! Leave the Marine alone. It's good to see men out there who actually care about having other feelings than just wanting to get laid.!:love:

Posted
That I'd get that smitten feeling...the feeling that I can't wait to see them again...

 

Basically all the lovey dovey crap I had with my ex... :rolleyes:

 

Im right there with you man...not getting that feeling from the last few girls I've been dating too (1 at a time, though)...I think you stick with it for a bit, but if it starts getting serious and you dont feel it the right thing to do is end it.

Posted

Hokie, is one of these the chick you went on the mini-vacation with?

  • Author
Posted
Hokie, is one of these the chick you went on the mini-vacation with?

 

Yea. The beach trip with her was a lot of fun, but I realized this past weekend that it wasn't necessarily her unenthusiasm that made me less interested, but that I just wasn't feeling any sort of emotional connection or passion...it was like going to the beach with a friend...

Posted
Yea. The beach trip with her was a lot of fun, but I realized this past weekend that it wasn't necessarily her unenthusiasm that made me less interested, but that I just wasn't feeling any sort of emotional connection or passion...it was like going to the beach with a friend...

 

Well, at least you got a solid idea that you don't really want her.

 

I'd cut it sooner than later, especially for her sake so she doesn't get more attached. I went out with a girl a looong time ago, 3 years we were together, and for the last 6 months I fell out of love because I realized we just weren't good for each other. I held out, trying to spark something and hoping things would get better. They never did, so my last vision of her was her running out of my room crying. I broke down feeling lower than I ever had, because deep down I knew it was the right move, but I still loved her as a person and realized I kept up what was a lie for 6 months.

 

Not that this is as nearly extreme, but I just wanna use it as an example that if you're ABSOLUTELY sure you don't feel anything, go with your gut and end it sooner.

Posted

Cut your losses and save them from the emotional baggage you are carrying around.

 

They deserve better

Posted

Oh, no!

 

Did the beach weekend not turn out well? (I suppose that's rhetorical, considering your thread - lol).

 

Bummer!

 

You know, I won't date for the sake of dating. I'd rather wait until someone exciting and yummy comes along. Otherwise, I have socks to rearrange... ;)

  • Author
Posted
Oh, no!

 

Did the beach weekend not turn out well? (I suppose that's rhetorical, considering your thread - lol).

 

Bummer!

 

You know, I won't date for the sake of dating. I'd rather wait until someone exciting and yummy comes along. Otherwise, I have socks to rearrange... ;)

 

 

Heheh. Actually, the beach weekend turned out great! I had a lot of fun and she opened up a lot more to me and acted more interested. But I guess it wasn't enough for me to develop any sort of emotional attachment...even after 3+ days together...:(

Posted
Heheh. Actually, the beach weekend turned out great! I had a lot of fun and she opened up a lot more to me and acted more interested. But I guess it wasn't enough for me to develop any sort of emotional attachment...even after 3+ days together...:(

 

Poo. :(

 

Then I suggest you don't force anything. I don't believe attraction or chemistry crops up, if the seed wasn't there to begin with...

Posted

I posted on here with a similar query the last time I dated someone, which was many months ago now and I too was wondering if the lack of emotional connection was to do with me (and unresolved heartbreak etc).

 

Everyone gave me pretty much the same advice as to you, and actually, I would have been open to falling for someone, rather than putting up barriers, to simply grab any happiness on offer - with the added benefit of finally wiping away the last remnants of sad former guy memories.

 

In any case, everyone on here was right. There were no butterflies with that guy because he was a person I would never have sparked with anyway, whether I'd met him post heart-break or at a more emotionally balanced state (and he licked me all over the face like a dog instead of kissing properly, which kind of put a 'dampener' on things - pun intended).

 

Anyway, get rid of these girls, not only for your own sake, but also you don't want to be the guy who strings someone along because they are 'unsure'.

 

You'll get the butterflies again. It's not you, it's not timing, just not quite the right chemistry yet :)

Posted

I have quite a bit of dating experience under my belt. My first "true love" relationship had those butterflies from start to finish. I was 17-19 years old. We didn't break up because the relationship was bad but he was getting a lot of outside pressure from his family for religious reasons and we realized that it was either I convert or it had to end. I wasn't going to convert so I ended it.

 

I went on the for the next 10 years thinking the butterflies came because of youth, inexperience, and that whole "first love" nonsense. I had chemistry with subsequent men, and several LTRs, but not the butterflies...until I met my current BF. It was that same instant butterfly feeling. I acted on them and went into this relationship a lot faster than I had planned to, but its' about as perfect as relationships can be. I still have butterflies every day and wonder how I ever lived without them. I can't wait to see him every night and he feels the same way. Loving my BF feels like that first love and funny enough, he told me a few weeks ago that loving me felt like his "first love" experience too.

 

So, the point of this is butterflies do come along. Those kinds of relationships, however, are few and far between. It took me 10 years to find it again. I'm not letting go this time! I don't think anyone should have to settle for less than butterflies when talking about forever if that's what they want, but you might have to go through several more relationships and girls to get it again.

Posted

You need more time man. As others have said, it takes months. For me it literally took over a year. Sometimes it takes even longer for people. Just be patient with yourself.

Posted
I've been seeing a couple girls for about a month now, and although I've had fun and get along with both of them, I don't seem to be developing any sort of emotional connection with either of them. That is, if I were to never see or talk to either of them again, I would honestly not be the slightest bit hurt.

 

I want to feel an emotional connection with someone again...it's been almost a year since the breakup that left me a broken mess, but I feel like I've bounced back from that and am ready to be with someone again. So I don't know whether it's an emotional wall I built after the breakup or that I'm just not that into the girls I'm dating. Or perhaps my relationship with my ex left me with unrealistic expectations of dating...I just feel like no one can give me those "butterflies" that she did...and it's been turning me off from dating...again... :(

 

Do you continue dating someone who doesn't give you those butterflies in hopes that those feelings will develop, or do you just cut your losses and move on...?

Hey man... I don't know how long you were with the GF you broke up with a year ago, but I'm guessing it was a couple of years. In any event, a year isn't necessarily enough time to have gotten over a past love. Firstly, different people heal at different rates. Secondly, time's the only thing that will heal it. In time, you'll reach a point where you don't get those "immediate" feelings like you got with your XGF. You'll still have the memories, but they'll be rough around the edges and they'll feel like something from another chapter of your life. They won't affect you on an emotional level.

 

There's no rule against dating before you reach that place, but any dating you do before then probably has a reasonable chance of being negatively affected by your residual feelings for your XGF. When my marriage ended, that was certainly true of me -- it took me over two years to move past the extremes of emotion my XW was capable of generating in me (admittedly, we'd been together for 11 years total, married for seven). Didn't stop me from dating, and even with hindsight, I don't think I would have avoided it, because companionship and sex can be sources of comfort. The downside is that the woman who's with you in good faith can end up getting hurt in the process. For their sake, it's probably best that you're upfront with them about being still pretty banged up emotionally over the end of your relationship. At least that way, expectations -- yours and hers -- will be more likely to stay reasonable.

 

Hang in there...

Posted

You are still missing your ex

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