He is just not that into you

[threebyfate]

I loved my dad dearly (bless his soul) but he was a drinker and a womaniser and my mum suffered it. She did everything for him and he paid her back by cheating on her all the time. My sister suffers being ruled by her hubby and tries to pretend it is her who wears the trousers

 

That is the first time I have ever even admitted that to myself!

 

I have my role models of women who put up with mens sh*t!! I do the same! I dont bail when I should and I make excuses, I hate feeling like I have failed

 

I dont think much of myself if I am honest and if I am REALLY honest I wonder what any man would see in me. I get told alot that I am lovely and I get alot of male attention when I am out and even at work. I know men find me attractive but to be honest I wonder why! I could get 100 coimpliments and one insult and all i would think about would be the insult

 

I deal with all of this with a big smile and bbravado that I am happy as I am but really I am lonely. I feel unloved all the time and alone!

 

There you have it!

 

Now what can I do about it? Wow I am in tears now!

Sweetie, this is exactly why you react the way you do to men. Your father made your mother feel like someone who couldn't do enough to keep him satisfied. Instead of your mother saying, "eff you, you loser" she chose to keep doing more and more for him, to somehow make him believe that she was the best. This is soul sucking stuff.

 

So now that you realize this, it's time to repattern or find a way to offset the need to feel needed, to the detriment of self.

 

((hugs)) Lishy but damn, you're a brave woman for divulging online. Keep in mind that if someone uses your vulnerability against you, it's time to kick them to the curb and never trust them again. As well, you're not responsible for your parents. THEY FAILED YOU.

[xRJ85x]

I dont think much of myself if I am honest and if I am REALLY honest I wonder what any man would see in me. I get told alot that I am lovely and I get alot of male attention when I am out and even at work. I know men find me attractive but to be honest I wonder why! I could get 100 coimpliments and one insult and all i would think about would be the insult

 

It's not just you, it's EVERYBODY! haha And it's actually more intense when you're attractive (and sensible, not stuck up because those kind of people are robots lol), because you have all this life and these thoughts of people telling you "Wow, you're really pretty, you can have any guy you wanted!" I've had many people tell me that, and you know? I sort of resent that in a way just as much as I took it to heart, because while it raised my confidence, it also makes it worse when those others come along and don't think anything like that.

 

Just highlight your attributes in what makes people think you're great! And take those compliments as higher stock than the rejections. Trust me there are guys who would turn down Victoria Secret models for one reason or another (that is, if it was relationship and not sex based haha).

[Gallaxia]

Lishy, it's great that you were able to find out why. You're such a brave bird! ((hugs))

[harmfulsweetz]

See, I'm the same. I haven't been through half of what you have, but I have this thing that draws me to men based on how they make me feel, if they make me feel good, even if there's signs they aren't into me, I'll be into them, head over heels.

 

I think you (and I) need to stop seeking external validation from men. You need to find a way to make yourself feel good, because only then, will you be truly ready to have a relationship with someone else, as you are not depending on them for how you feel. Right now, I think you're basing your emotions depending on how a man treats you, your self-esteem hinges on that. Mine does too. But whilst your esteem is so deeply connected to these men, you will not be able to shake the bad ones as you will permanently feel a reliance upon them. So when they do/say/act good to you, your esteem soars, but when it's the other way around it plummets. Your self worth is not attached to men, it's attached to you.

 

No one can make you feel bad unless you allow them to make you feel that way. If you put up with *****, that is what you will get. As I've said, I'm the same way. I think if a guy lets me down, hurts me, whatever, it's my fault, I give myself hell because of someone else's actions. If a guy treats me like *****, I struggle to see that guy as an ahole. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not the cause of it. Which is why I tend to stay with people who hurt me, when most people with self respect leave.

 

I think it all starts within ourselves,we shouldn't settle for less than what we want. I was listening to Jewel's song Stronger Woman the other day-and she hit it perfectly-you have to be your own best friend. You have to value yourself, take care of yourself and your heart, no one can make you feel worse than you make yourself feel, and you teach people how to treat you. You have to think when looking at these men-what do they all have in common? Would I want my best friend to date them? When one hurts you, ask yourself-if you weren't you, what would you say to you?

 

I'm going to share a link which sagetalk shared with me which I found helpful: http://cmhc.utexas.edu/booklets/selfesteem/selfest.html

 

I think it's tempting when someone just isn't that into you, to turn that rejection inwards and think 'all of this is worthless, it's rejected.' When really, there could be various reasons he isn't into you, and they are all beyond your control.

 

Recently, as in last week, a guy who I've been obsessing over for months, asked for my number, and for me to go around his on Saturday. Well, that didn't happen. Arranged it all, half an hour before we were due to meet, he cancels. Well, he is the fourth guy in a row to do this to me, and I honestly cannot see why guys arrange things then do not do them. It's confusing. Why get up the courage to ask someone 'out', for their number etc, only to waste it? It confuses me. Alas, it says more about him than me, I guess, I stuck to the plans, he didn't. His loss.

Edited June 29, 2010 by harmfulsweetz

[txsilkysmoothe]

Lishy,

You are not alone. I've been guilty of the same destructive thought processes you described and I'm also attracted to the wrong men. I think we can learn much from women such as TBF and others who have overcome these tendencies.

 

You have much support here.

[Lishy]

Thank you everyone, it has been emotional tonight but I needed to get that out! Things are clearer now

 

I have realised that I take it very personal when I get a feeling of rejection even though really they are not rejecting me they are just making a decision based on their own issues and feelings, just like I have when I have turned my back on guys

 

Phew

[Ruby Slippers]

See, I'm the same. I haven't been through half of what you have, but I have this thing that draws me to men based on how they make me feel, if they make me feel good, even if there's signs they aren't into me, I'll be into them, head over heels.

 

I think you (and I) need to stop seeking external validation from men. You need to find a way to make yourself feel good, because only then, will you be truly ready to have a relationship with someone else, as you are not depending on them for how you feel. Right now, I think you're basing your emotions depending on how a man treats you, your self-esteem hinges on that. Mine does too. But whilst your esteem is so deeply connected to these men, you will not be able to shake the bad ones as you will permanently feel a reliance upon them. So when they do/say/act good to you, your esteem soars, but when it's the other way around it plummets. Your self worth is not attached to men, it's attached to you.

Yep. This is it.

 

You are craving love and healing for those parts of yourself that are most vulnerable, of which you're most embarrassed. This usually happens easily in the beginning of a relationship. But when it fades, those scared parts of you will freak out, and you will feel desperate, and behave in a needy or avoidant way.

 

Your romantic partner is not responsible for healing those parts of you, and couldn't if he tried. Only you can do that. A counselor can help you identify the feelings, confront them, and heal them, but you have to do the work.

 

MOST people expect to be healed and made whole by the arrival of the perfect partner, their "soulmate", "the one". Deep down, I have my whole life! But that's way too much pressure to put on a relationship. You have to heal yourself -- only then can you truly love and receive love.

 

I have spent most of my adult life in relationships, until I ended one almost 2 years ago, and have been single for most of the time since. I've indulged in many distractions to avoid dealing with my own stuff. Overwork and weed are my 2 favorites.

 

But finally, I am getting to that still, quiet place where it's just me, and I realize it's time to deal with things I've been avoiding dealing with my whole life. I don't think there's any way I can have a good relationship in the future without doing this, so I'm going to do it. I'm pretty sure it's going to be hard and lonely. But it's necessary.

[paddington bear]

There was a book called something like 'Be Honest You Weren't That into Him Either'. Which was basically about how women with low self esteem are often are so desperate for love or attention that they convince themselves that they really like some guy, despite maybe some bad gut instincts. Then they do end up developing feelings for him and when the guy reveals his true colours the said girl is emotionally crushed.

 

But if 'everywoman' had concentrated on what she wanted, rather than convincing herself that the guy would turn into a prince one day, that guy would never have even got a look-in and she'd have time to concetrate on finding someone more appropriate - and save herself from yet another esteem crushing blow

 

So, rule number one: If you feel something is off (either gut instinct or due to his behaviour towards you i.e. the guy has come on strong and then not called) at that point call it quits mentally and move on. As soon as you hear those inner thoughts in your head 'but whhhhyyyyy didn't he call me?' just cut them dead. You will never find out why. And if you do ask, you will get some generic reason like 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now'. Stop asking why he didn't call and instead think: 'For whatever reason, he didn't call. This means he's not interested. His behaviour has shown me where I stand. Move on'. And literally retrain yourself to not take it personally.

 

I've been exactly where you are at Lishy, on a downward spiral of rejection, leading to feelings of less and less value, leading to putting more and more expectations on some guy to call because I'm desperate for some guy to validate that I am not so unloveable, and thus end up maybe dating some flaky guy, simply because he was the only one who did bother to call back and not because we were really suited.

 

Oftentimes I was simply sooo grateful that some guy that I found something attractive about actually approached me. Some of these guys, I'd overlook some major flaws in, where I should have been spending less time being grateful and more time thinking 'are we compatible? Do I want him or not?' rather than thinking 'I hope he likes me'. You need to reverse that feeling of powerlessness in your head, by thinking of yourself as the prize for him, instead of him as the prize for you.

 

I read in a dating book (and people on LS scoffed at it, but it helped me, so it might help you): Think of it this way. A guy walks down the street and he sees a diamond on the sidewalk. It's valuable and beautiful. A guy who sees the value in it, immediately snatches it up and keeps it, unable to believe his luck. What would you think of someone who would ignore a valuable diamond on the street, or worse pick it up and then throw it away again. You would label as dumb and having lost out on something good.

 

You are the diamond. You want someone who sees the value in you. Anyone who doesn't has lost out on something valuable. Cheesy, I know, but it worked for me to keep that image in my head, so that I didn't get so crushed with the no-shows/no call backs.

 

I'm still working on this, and am absolutely not there yet but it can be done and it does help if not my dating life which is barren right now, but at least how I react to rejection.

 

I really started to focus on 'what kind of man do I want?' in terms of how they treated me, their attitudes in general, and drew some boundaries as to what kind of flaky behaviour I would tolerate. If they didn't call when they said, started off very interested then cooled and suddenly were taking me for granted, I just cut and run because I deserve better (if they saw the value in me...yadda yadda). Also, by cutting loose either literally or mentally at the first hint that it is going nowhere it prevents me getting obsessed with someone who is wishy washy about me by surgically removing them from my life before they can do me damage.

 

Remind yourself what you want from a partner and make it your decision to think 'well, I don't want some guy who takes my number and doesn't bother to use it. I'm not going to waste time pining over some idiot and will instead keep looking for someone who acts upon his promises'.

 

I also used to do what you did. Was so careful about who I dated, who I gave my number to. Personally, I think this is a big mistake. It creates so much expectation on your side. You carefully decide 'ok, this one I like' as you are giving the number and thus set yourself up for a fall as the expectation is already there, when you should have more of a 'he seems ok, maybe not perfect, let's see where this goes'.

 

I consciously made the move to be open to more types of men. I dated someone way less educated than me, but he was kind and good looking and very sweet to me. I dated someone very small and skinny, so that I felt like an elephant beside him. Both would have been off the radar before, but both I developed some feelings for (unfortunately not the big love) and was surprised that 'not my type' actually could easily have become my type.

 

The key point is that, by remaining emotionally aloof/open rather than deciding you like someone before handing over your number, you reclaim some of your power back. It is an even playing field. You are assessing them to see if you like them, rather than deciding you like them and then getting crushed when they don't like you back.

 

Date first, decide if you really like him after. If you don't call it off (which also reminds you, that it is not always you being rejected, and more importantlx not to take it personally, sometimes people are lovely and wonderful, but just not right for you).

 

Sorry for the long post, which is probably a bit rambling, but all the above really helped me, so it might strike a chord. As I said, still not there yet, but amazingly I no longer feel crushed and unworthy when someone who I haven't got to know properly acts flaky or doesn't call me. Now I just shrug my shoulders and move on and that feels way better than wondering what on earth is wrong with me and feeling useless and unworthy.

[LondonS]

I am glad this topic came up...

I liked a guy, pursued him for a while, told him I liked him, He was on the edge about it, indecisive etc etc... but then I turend him down as I heard something about him which put me off... I didnt make a runner, I wrote him an email that I am backing out of my coffee invite... I see him everyday around and I am totally cool with him. He didnt like me or didnt like me enough to find out the reasons I pulled out of when he knew I liked him for a while, that just proved to me that he was not that into me and good for me that he wasnt !

No harm done, move on...remember as they say, rejection is God's protection... I am sure few years down the line you,ll think why did I ever like that guy to begin with...

[harmfulsweetz]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Be-Honest-Either-Standards-Deserve/dp/0060817402/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1277853819&sr=8-2-fkmr1#reader_0060817402

 

There's the link to the book, Paddington Bear mentioned. It looks decent, going through the previews now, I'm definitely going to buy it.

[shadowplay]

 

Oftentimes I was simply sooo grateful that some guy that I found something attractive about actually approached me. Some of these guys, I'd overlook some major flaws in, where I should have been spending less time being grateful and more time thinking 'are we compatible? Do I want him or not?' rather than thinking 'I hope he likes me'. You need to reverse that feeling of powerlessness in your head, by thinking of yourself as the prize for him, instead of him as the prize for you.

 

This describes my historical pattern so well. I'm trying hard to grow out of it.

[Lishy]

Paddington, you do not know how much you have helped me! Thank you so much and to everyone else you have all been great and not judged me at a time when I couldnt have coped with being judged

 

xxxxxxxxxxx

[marlena]

It has happened to me a few times and I dont know why to be honest. I know I am scarred and I suppose damaged and my fear of rejection is massive! I really cannot cope with rejection at all and I really do not know why.

 

Lishy, never, ever say that again. It's an order! You are not damaged or scarred or whatever unless you think you are. It's all a mindset. As for rejection, nobody likes it. With the years, you just learn to shrug it off as your self-confidence increases. Focus on your good qualities. OK?

[marlena]

I guess I should clarify... To me it isn't Standards as in having a set list of criteria of things you're looking for.

 

To me, asking for what you want is that: if you're looking for a long term relationship, then walk away from a guy who says he doesn't want a relationship. Even if he sugar coats with excuses and "not now but maybe later".

 

Know what you want, know you deserve it and don't waste your time on anyone who doesn't cut the grade.

 

Excellent advice. Being on the same page with someone is vital. If both want a casual relationship, great! If both want a more serious one, great again!

[Lishy]

Yes you are right Marlena and the advice I have been given here has been diamond. I have ordered the book!

 

Thanks again guys

[dispatch3d]

I am glad this topic came up...

I liked a guy, pursued him for a while, told him I liked him, He was on the edge about it, indecisive etc etc... but then I turend him down as I heard something about him which put me off... I didnt make a runner, I wrote him an email that I am backing out of my coffee invite... I see him everyday around and I am totally cool with him. He didnt like me or didnt like me enough to find out the reasons I pulled out of when he knew I liked him for a while, that just proved to me that he was not that into me and good for me that he wasnt !

No harm done, move on...remember as they say, rejection is God's protection... I am sure few years down the line you,ll think why did I ever like that guy to begin with...

 

So you withdrew/shut him down and he didn't ask why. You then decided that since he didn't ask why you did this he isn't in to you? You know, guys don't like rejection either, and he got rejected. After getting rejected, he probably assumed he was rejected, so why would he go back for seconds of rejection? As a guy, I would assume I'd be better off attempting things with a new girl than one who has already said no (since I don't have to change their mind from bad to good, I just have to make them like me (ie. neutral-> good rather than bad->good).

 

I don't know what you mean by "pulled out". If it's you didn't go to something then that's not as big a deal. If you do it enough obviously it is. If you told him directly you didn't like him, he isn't going to go after you anymore. I guess this last point is true for me personally but likely not true for a lot of guys. He definitely will be less inclined to directly hit on you as much, not to say he won't passively do so (like he will be less likely to ask you on a date (direct), but just as likely to give you drives places, buy you drinks, etc.).

Edited July 9, 2010 by dispatch3d