Jilly Bean Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Lish! Hello, dear. This is SO ridiculously true, and I advise it here all the time, though no one listens. lol Women seem to be really good at rationalizing disinterest from men -he's gay, a commitment phobe, shy, afraid of being hurt, he's insecure and feels beneath her, etc. NONE of these things are the reason he's not asking you out! If a man is interested, NOTHING will stop him from pursuing a woman he's interested in. This is why I don't get why women spend so much time chasing guys who aren't interested.
espec10001 Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 So if we show a lot of interest in you, that means that we are desperate and it's not attractive. Yet if we don't show enough interest in you, that means we're just not that into you. ?O_O?
xRJ85x Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 This may be really old fashioned of me but I really do think it is down to the guy to chase in the beginning. I have never known a sitiation where the girl does the chasing and the outcome is good That's because there's a ton more guys who are looking for sex rather than relationship. Unfortunately for us guys that ARE looking for a relationship, we have all run into at least one girl who is looking for sex, and then dumps us on our ass. Being a little more emotional, we take it to heart a lot more and it would definitely comfort us knowing that the girl was really in for something more. However, I know that the old fashioned way is still alive and well, so I don't sit back and cry about it, I just follow the rules.
cdubs32 Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 That is why he will not call or ask you out, you can do whatever you want but when a guy is interested it is very evident and you will not second guess it I have seen so many of my friends meet guys, they ask for numbers, maybe meet again and end up bumping uglies and then NOTHING This happened to me a few weeks ago and I questioned why and then it occured to me that he wasnt that into me. It is so not worth taking it personally as they do not know you yet I would like to hear about people who have been in this situation and what happened ........ I hate it when women lead me on to think they want something more than just bumping uglies and I try to be one of these "better men" by taking them out multiple times and buying them dinner/drinks, only to never heard from them again. You know how I'm getting over it? I'm not doing it anymore. If you and your friends don't want to get upset over a dude who doesn't call you after having sex within a few times of meeting each other, then don't have sex with them until you know they want something more because that's clearly what you're looking for. If a guy really likes you for who you are, he'll wait to have sex with you because he's already happy that he gets to spend time with you, sex will just be an added bonus, not the priority. Common sense....try it sometime.
Author Lishy Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 This is why you can't handle rejection since you view yourself as scarred and damaged hence no one wants me because of it. And each time you're rejected it adds to this negative self-image. It's all the same thing. No one enjoys rejection but how we learn to cope with it, is key to our self-image. The more we self-flagellate, the more our scars won't heal. This is good self-awareness. But there's more to it which I'll show in another post of some soul-searching I had to go through. The further you drill down into your psyche, the better for you, as long as you're willing to do something about it. Keep self-flagellating and doing nothing about it, and yes, you will keep hurting yourself. I could use some help right now as I am going down by the minute to be honest
xpaperxcutx Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 This may be really old fashioned of me but I really do think it is down to the guy to chase in the beginning. I have never known a sitiation where the girl does the chasing and the outcome is good Men still chase. It's just that half the time they're pretty much jaded because some girl in the past had played with their heads. The thing is to keep an open mindset and not make a guy an all or nothing deal. And you can always pull the number switcheroo on them. When they ask for your number, just tell them to leave their number instead.
Jilly Bean Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 And you can always pull the number switcheroo on them. When they ask for your number, just tell them to leave their number instead. Do you call guys, X? I don't. lol In fact, now that I am single again, and dating, I've complained to another LS'er about this - how guys now communicate solely by text. This makes me nuts. Do you know that the whole time I dated Baller, he never called me? Anyhoo - guys are wired to chase. Let them.
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I judge a guy on the connection and attraction I feel for them and not what they are really about as I dont give myself time to see what they are really about. But even when a woman doesn't select a man based on attraction, there are no guarantees. I've tried it. I dated a bald man a few times, okay looks, not handsome. I did it because I wanted to overcome any superficial reasons I had for ruling him out. I wanted to give a "nice buy" a chance. He was flaky! Popping in and out of my life with text messages as if no time had passed at all. I even discussed the behavior with him. His excuse was that he hadn't been in touch because he didn't think I liked him. But even after I assured him that I did like him, the flakiness continued. So what's a girl to do?
threebyfate Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I honestly don't think this is your issue but it might help you to understand how far you have to go sometimes to figure out what's going on within you. With my issues, I have a serious soft spot for intelligent and witty men. The byproduct of such is that they tend to use these traits to manipulate their environment. And realistically speaking, have you ever met a truly intelligent person who's not manipulative to some degree? So rather than "fix" this draw to men like this, I chose to prioritize reasonable unselfishness within a partner instead. Traits don't happen in a vacuum. The ex-husband was a cheater with NPD and the guy I got involved with right after divorce was nothing but a potential cheater. I did some serious self-examination after that to figure out why I chose both men. I'm not going into why since it's something I choose not to divulge on LS but in doing so, it helped me to recognize an emotionally healthy man. The other plus side to all this is that with the second guy, my spidey sense was tingling so it never went very far. In essence, I learned something from the ex-husband even though a third party who I trusted at the time, kept telling me he was the real deal. So, look back at why you're drawn to fixer-uppers. Go as far back as you need to find the source. I've thought about it and decided to fess up as to what the consistency was. Hope this helps you bananaboat. My father is an amazing man in all ways. I can't say enough good things about him since he's been and will always be my hero. He can also be manipulative but of every instance I've seen him be manipulative, it's always with the win/win in mind so everyone's interests are taken into consideration. When he manipulated me, I knew it but went along with it anyways since I trusted him implicitly. THAT is the prime reason I'm drawn to a certain type of man. He's got to be intelligent with a witty sense of humour. He's also got to be manipulative to a degree due to the above explanation about my father. Where I fell down twice was that I didn't take into consideration the unhealthy side of manipulative men. When they're self-centric, the manipulation aspect is all about them rather than us. That was my stupidity since intellectually, I've always known this as one of those "Duh" truisms. My current husband is also manipulative. But he's the win/win variety. It's all about us (including Bump), with the reverse holding true. There's more to it but that's the key negative factor that made me the constant in both situations. My choices, my responsibilities. bananaboat, can you be as honest with yourself? While it's probably not the constant for you, if you can't delve deep and fess up to yourself why you're drawn to these types of women, the cycle will keep repeating itself.
xRJ85x Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I could use some help right now as I am going down by the minute to be honest Just take to heart the compliments people give you as higher stock than the negative vibes you get. I forget which thread it was, but the other day someone brought up how they had a random day where they were hit on by like 5 different guys, and that never happened to them. There's going to be some people who think you're the most beautiful girl in the world, and some you wouldn't even flip a switch on in. I've always been told I'm really good looking. However, I've always taken it hard when the girls I thought were both gorgeous and fun and that we were perfect together, turned me down like I was just another average joe. I haven't had a legit girlfriend in 5-6 years (I thought I had one in that girl I was with for 6 months until she told me she only thought of us as FwB). And I feel awful every time I get a little closer to it but then it doesn't work out. But when you take into account all the others out there who want something more with you, but you just don't feel it for them, let that build your confidence up higher than it was before.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I could use some help right now as I am going down by the minute to be honest Aw honey! I'm sad to hear it. We both know TBF is right. You may be fulfilling your own vicious cycle. The one thing I see women do to themselves most often on here is settle for less than what they want. Or being afraid to ask for what they want. Or even being afraid to admit what they want. It's like they believe that if they pretend they can do the casual thing (when what they want is love), then eventually they'll run into the right guy (or convince the right guy to be into them). How about not giving the time of day to anyone who doesn't show potential? I'm not sure if maybe you're afraid to ask for what you want.
xRJ85x Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 The one thing I see women do to themselves most often on here is settle for less than what they want. Or being afraid to ask for what they want. This is an easy trap for some to fall in. Fortunately, I've stuck to my standards even though it pisses me off more and more everyday to the point where sometimes I just don't care to look at all. But you should NEVER lower your standards.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 This is an easy trap for some to fall in. Fortunately, I've stuck to my standards even though it pisses me off more and more everyday to the point where sometimes I just don't care to look at all. But you should NEVER lower your standards. I guess I should clarify... To me it isn't Standards as in having a set list of criteria of things you're looking for. To me, asking for what you want is that: if you're looking for a long term relationship, then walk away from a guy who says he doesn't want a relationship. Even if he sugar coats with excuses and "not now but maybe later". Know what you want, know you deserve it and don't waste your time on anyone who doesn't cut the grade.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Do you call guys, X? I don't. lol In fact, now that I am single again, and dating, I've complained to another LS'er about this - how guys now communicate solely by text. This makes me nuts. Do you know that the whole time I dated Baller, he never called me? Anyhoo - guys are wired to chase. Let them. To be honest I really don't, well not anymore anyways. The most I'll do is text to drop in a hi. The thing is texting gives him my number which gives him the opportunity to choose to call or not. Most of the time, the guy that actually calls makes more of an impression on me. The ones that texts nonstop just make me ignore or delete them altogether.
shadowplay Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 When it keeps happening time and again, then it's something to consider. This is the problem I'm struggling to understand.
Author Lishy Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 Thanks TBF, I see what you mean but I have tried to work out why I attract and am attracted to a certain type of man and all I can come up with is that I like a man who makes me feel good as most of the time I dont make myself feel good. So if I meet a guy and he is nice, the attraction is there AND he makes me feel good about myself then I find myself drawn to him. Now 9 times out of ten he is talking crap but I dont see it as I feel so good. I realise too late Example 1, my first ex (sons dad) was lovely to start and then turned out to be a mental case who verbally abused me for years and molded me to believe that was normal - I left and the abise got worse and worse My lesson there was that people only treat us how we let them and I took that lesson to heart Ex no 2, he was not one bit verbally abusive, plied me with compliments, made me feel a million dollars and so that made me blind to the fact that he was a liar and a cheat and a coke addict! Yep, I did not see any of those traits as my first ex, abusive as he was, was none of those things! So now I wonder if I can trust in my own judgement and that is why I take rejection so badly. I dont hand out my number freely and to be honest I make a guy work for it, then when they dont call i realise my judgement was off yet again! I am so anti men its not normal and it must come out in how I interact with them How do I get through this? How can I make myself not bothered when I feel rejected and fooled and how can I stop hating men so much?
Author Lishy Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 I act to the world that I dont want/need a man but if I am totally honest I would love to be in love with a man who loved me the same back
threebyfate Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Lishy, I'm going to push you one more time to really dig deep into your foundational years. How did your father interact with your mother and yourself? How did most of the couples around you, including and especially family and extended family, treat each other? What does love mean to you? We build our concepts of love and relationships through nurture, not nature.
xRJ85x Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 How do I get through this? How can I make myself not bothered when I feel rejected and fooled and how can I stop hating men so much? Just do what I mentioned above. I'm sure you're a pretty girl, so just keep confident. Are you on online dating sites btw? I'm on like 3 of them, there's no shame because I'm simply improving my odds for finding the rare girl that my picky ass is looking for. But it's good too because once you see all the guys checking your profile out, and even messaging you, you'll feel a lot more confident.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I act to the world that I dont want/need a man but if I am totally honest I would love to be in love with a man who loved me the same back Is that self-defense mechanism? If you tell yourself and the world that you don't need a man - then no man can hurt you?
threebyfate Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Thanks TBF, I see what you mean but I have tried to work out why I attract and am attracted to a certain type of man and all I can come up with is that I like a man who makes me feel good as most of the time I dont make myself feel good. So if I meet a guy and he is nice, the attraction is there AND he makes me feel good about myself then I find myself drawn to him.Now this is key.Why do you need someone to make you feel good about yourself?What has caused you to be so hard on yourself, finding yourself wanting?How did the abusive ex get so close to you?Wouldn't self-preservation have kicked in to walk away when he first started being abusive?Same with the second ex.Where did this negative self-image originally source from?You don't need to answer these questions online. You need to answer them for and to yourself. Anyways, good luck in your endeavors. Life's too short to distrust the entire male gender.
Kamille Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Thinking some more about that last statement... What if you allowed yourself and the world to know that what you want is a man to love - knowing that you are worthy of it. Then the next step is making sure that the guys you meet have the potential to be good partners. If they flake, well it's own them. Saved you some precious time. And I think it is insightful what you say about your impulse to like guys who make you feel good. But when you say they make you feel good... What is it about them that makes you feel good? Is it the way they treat you, the way they make you laugh, the way they make you feel attractive?
Author Lishy Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 I loved my dad dearly (bless his soul) but he was a drinker and a womaniser and my mum suffered it. She did everything for him and he paid her back by cheating on her all the time. My sister suffers being ruled by her hubby and tries to pretend it is her who wears the trousers That is the first time I have ever even admitted that to myself! I have my role models of women who put up with mens sh*t!! I do the same! I dont bail when I should and I make excuses, I hate feeling like I have failed I dont think much of myself if I am honest and if I am REALLY honest I wonder what any man would see in me. I get told alot that I am lovely and I get alot of male attention when I am out and even at work. I know men find me attractive but to be honest I wonder why! I could get 100 coimpliments and one insult and all i would think about would be the insult I deal with all of this with a big smile and bbravado that I am happy as I am but really I am lonely. I feel unloved all the time and alone! There you have it! Now what can I do about it? Wow I am in tears now!
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