How I hope to fix my marriage.

[schro31185]

If you have read my other posts on here, you have some background on my situation. The abridged version is as follows. I've been married to my wife 5 years, both of us are 25 now, no kids, dated 11 months, knew each other since middle school. Sex started tapering off before marriage, and dropped drastically immediately after. After 2 years of no improvement, it really started to wear on me, and I got frustrated. Then her grandmother died unexpectedly, and the trend continued, but I tolerated it because of the situation. We generally get along well otherwise, and have a good time together, but in the past year or so, my resentment has built to a point where it is really driving a wedge between us in every other aspect as well. We still have pity sex, she does not enjoy it, and I feel bad afterwards, but during, I'm too thankful to be getting some, to think any deeper into it. She hates talking about sex, and wants to hurry up and get it over with, no foreplay, no different positions etc.

 

After some careful thinking, and reflecting on past conversations with her I have come to some conclusions. I do not think this was a bait and switch type deal. I think she did put out more interest when we were dating in order to attract me, but I do not think this was with the intent of "trapping me in marriage." She had mentioned to me in conversation while dating, that she had never touched herself in a sexual way, which is still the case, and I suspect has never fantasized about sex. I was young then, and she was the only girl I had ever been with sexually (still the case), but she had other partners. I did not see this statement as the problem that I do now. To me now, it says she is very underdeveloped in the mental aspect of sexuality, and has no way to relate to what I am feeling. I just assumed since she had experience, I was the only one who needed to learn anything.

 

Here's my plan. The first week of August, I will be leaving for basic combat training for the Army. I will be out of contact, with the exception of handwritten letters that others will most likely read out loud, for 10 weeks. Then I will go directly to AIT where communication will be slightly improved, but still limited, and I will still be 600 miles away until the end of January. What I am thinking of proposing to her is a list of things I want her to do while I am gone to help her build her self confidence, independence (that one should be easy since she will have no choice), and sexuality. I think that our relationship will struggle to improve at best, if something is not done to affect her attitude towards sex, and as I see it, this will be the best opportunity. With me gone, she will be able to focus on herself more easily. Here are a few things I was thinking may help her in this regard; 1) Go out with friends more, especially to places where single guys would be. I think if she got hit on, it would give her a big self confidence boost. 2) Use some means to develop a sexual fantasy of some sorts, be it a romantic novel, movie, whatever. Then find a way to bring it up with one of her close female friends (I know that they are all significantly more open to discuss sex than she is, and will not think it strange). 3) Use some sort of sex toy. Not that I think this is really necessary, but if she hasn't explored it, she may find she likes it. Mostly, doing that would force her to enter a store that is dedicated purely to sexual satisfaction, and to see and interact with others doing the same, and acknowledge that sex is something everyone thinks about.

 

What does everyone think? I know its a different approach, feel free to suggest other approaches, and I will tell you how they were all unsuccessful for us.

 

In the mean time, I plan to disregard my own desires as much as I can before I leave, and to ignore my feelings of resentment, and treat her like I used to before the problem started. The first week or more should be easy at least, as she had her appendix removed a week ago, so I know its not possible for anything to happen anyway.

 

We both want this relationship to work, and the way I see it, for that to happen, is for her attitude towards sex to change. That would cause chain reaction of me being much more satisfied with out relationship, which would carry on to her feeling more loved, etc...

 

Coming up with this kind of makes me feel like a perv. I guess if thats the case, maybe I need to find someone else who's views on sex are more inline with mine, and let her do the same.

Edited June 29, 2010 by schro31185

[Honorable_Venerable]

This assumes she has the desire / willpower to want to change her attitude toward sex. I wonder if changing attitudes to sex is like (e.g.) giving up smoking - you have to want to do it for YOURSELF in order to make it stick. Unless you want it to happen, wnating to do it on behalf of someone else doesn't fully motivate that change.

 

I've read similar sorts of plans elsewhere, but I suppose rather like setting up an exercise plan for someone else, they have to want to do it, because if they don't, no matter how good the programme is, it isn't worth a damn.

 

Good luck with the Army too!

[schro31185]

Yes, I am aware that only her effort will make this work, no matter how well planned out I may make it. I thought it was original, and a bit strange. If you have heard of similar plans, then that makes me feel a little better about it all. Thanks HV for the encouraging words.

[Married_and_Lonely]

Yes, thanks for your service in our military - my family appreciates you and all the other soldiers protecting our freedoms!

 

Your wife sounds very similar to mine, except maybe a slightly better communicator. It took my wife several years of me wondering what the problem was to finally admit that "sex just doesn't do much for her." It isn't just a frequency issue with us either - even during the act, I don't think my wife enjoys it. And having sex with me just for me is not enough motivation for her.

 

Good luck with your plan. I think if I requested my wife to use a sex toy on herself she'd say, "eww, gross.. no way". Try to not have any kids until this is sorted out, because if your wife just doesn't have much sexual interest, that's unlikely to change and a separation would probably be best for both of you.

[schro31185]

Yes, thanks for your service in our military - my family appreciates you and all the other soldiers protecting our freedoms!

 

Your wife sounds very similar to mine, except maybe a slightly better communicator. It took my wife several years of me wondering what the problem was to finally admit that "sex just doesn't do much for her." It isn't just a frequency issue with us either - even during the act, I don't think my wife enjoys it. And having sex with me just for me is not enough motivation for her.

 

Good luck with your plan. I think if I requested my wife to use a sex toy on herself she'd say, "eww, gross.. no way". Try to not have any kids until this is sorted out, because if your wife just doesn't have much sexual interest, that's unlikely to change and a separation would probably be best for both of you.

 

Our situations are much closer than you think. I don't think her communication skills had much to do with me figuring this out. And I have no doubt I will get the reaction you described when mentioning the sex toy part. I figure, hey whats the worst that could happen? I am already on track with not having kids until the issue is resolved. I want kids of my own badly, but I know that having kids hinders a couples sexual relationship, and at this rate that would mean a complete stop.

 

A couple years ago I decided I was going to fly helicopters for the Army, and then I said "It wont hurt anything to try." And went straight for the gold. I got turned down, which was no surprise, (only about 15% in my position are considered) and now I am pursuing plan B. I relate this mentality to my marriage. I know what I want, and if I don't try, it wont happen. If I am rejected, I have a plan B. There is always more than one way to achieve a certain goal.

[mem11363]

There are two main drivers of love - "who" the person is and how they treat you. She is never going to treat you the way you want. She never really had much desire, and that isn't going to change.

 

SOME women have a low drive and a strong desire to "give" love and someone like that can make a great partner. But a low drive partner who feels that because sex isn't important to them it shouldn't be important to you - that type partner is never going to be even close to what you need to be happy.

 

You haven't had kids yet. The smart move is to start fresh and let her do the same. Perhaps she will be more honest with her next partner.

 

 

 

If you have read my other posts on here, you have some background on my situation. The abridged version is as follows. I've been married to my wife 5 years, both of us are 25 now, no kids, dated 11 months, knew each other since middle school. Sex started tapering off before marriage, and dropped drastically immediately after. After 2 years of no improvement, it really started to wear on me, and I got frustrated. Then her grandmother died unexpectedly, and the trend continued, but I tolerated it because of the situation. We generally get along well otherwise, and have a good time together, but in the past year or so, my resentment has built to a point where it is really driving a wedge between us in every other aspect as well. We still have pity sex, she does not enjoy it, and I feel bad afterwards, but during, I'm too thankful to be getting some, to think any deeper into it. She hates talking about sex, and wants to hurry up and get it over with, no foreplay, no different positions etc.

 

After some careful thinking, and reflecting on past conversations with her I have come to some conclusions. I do not think this was a bait and switch type deal. I think she did put out more interest when we were dating in order to attract me, but I do not think this was with the intent of "trapping me in marriage." She had mentioned to me in conversation while dating, that she had never touched herself in a sexual way, which is still the case, and I suspect has never fantasized about sex. I was young then, and she was the only girl I had ever been with sexually (still the case), but she had other partners. I did not see this statement as the problem that I do now. To me now, it says she is very underdeveloped in the mental aspect of sexuality, and has no way to relate to what I am feeling. I just assumed since she had experience, I was the only one who needed to learn anything.

 

Here's my plan. The first week of August, I will be leaving for basic combat training for the Army. I will be out of contact, with the exception of handwritten letters that others will most likely read out loud, for 10 weeks. Then I will go directly to AIT where communication will be slightly improved, but still limited, and I will still be 600 miles away until the end of January. What I am thinking of proposing to her is a list of things I want her to do while I am gone to help her build her self confidence, independence (that one should be easy since she will have no choice), and sexuality. I think that our relationship will struggle to improve at best, if something is not done to affect her attitude towards sex, and as I see it, this will be the best opportunity. With me gone, she will be able to focus on herself more easily. Here are a few things I was thinking may help her in this regard; 1) Go out with friends more, especially to places where single guys would be. I think if she got hit on, it would give her a big self confidence boost. 2) Use some means to develop a sexual fantasy of some sorts, be it a romantic novel, movie, whatever. Then find a way to bring it up with one of her close female friends (I know that they are all significantly more open to discuss sex than she is, and will not think it strange). 3) Use some sort of sex toy. Not that I think this is really necessary, but if she hasn't explored it, she may find she likes it. Mostly, doing that would force her to enter a store that is dedicated purely to sexual satisfaction, and to see and interact with others doing the same, and acknowledge that sex is something everyone thinks about.

 

What does everyone think? I know its a different approach, feel free to suggest other approaches, and I will tell you how they were all unsuccessful for us.

 

In the mean time, I plan to disregard my own desires as much as I can before I leave, and to ignore my feelings of resentment, and treat her like I used to before the problem started. The first week or more should be easy at least, as she had her appendix removed a week ago, so I know its not possible for anything to happen anyway.

 

We both want this relationship to work, and the way I see it, for that to happen, is for her attitude towards sex to change. That would cause chain reaction of me being much more satisfied with out relationship, which would carry on to her feeling more loved, etc...

 

Coming up with this kind of makes me feel like a perv. I guess if thats the case, maybe I need to find someone else who's views on sex are more inline with mine, and let her do the same.

[Married_and_Lonely]

How about suggesting a relationship book? I hear "The Sex Starved Marriage" is a very good one, and written by a woman I believe. Maybe it'll open your wife's eyes a bit to read a trusted sources opinion on these matters. If she's like my wife, at this point just saying the word "sex" immediately throws up her defense walls, which makes communicating very difficult.

 

I'm about to begin reading "the 5 love languages" with my wife because the lack of love and affection in my marriage is more upsetting to me and more fundamental in my opinion than intimacy.

 

Be honest with her about your feelings and the effect that the lack of sex is having on you. She won't know the depth of sadness that this is causing you unless you tell her.

[mem11363]

Is only possible if BOTH partners make an effort to fix it. When only the high drive spouse is trying - no progress.

 

How about suggesting a relationship book? I hear "The Sex Starved Marriage" is a very good one, and written by a woman I believe. Maybe it'll open your wife's eyes a bit to read a trusted sources opinion on these matters. If she's like my wife, at this point just saying the word "sex" immediately throws up her defense walls, which makes communicating very difficult.

 

I'm about to begin reading "the 5 love languages" with my wife because the lack of love and affection in my marriage is more upsetting to me and more fundamental in my opinion than intimacy.

 

Be honest with her about your feelings and the effect that the lack of sex is having on you. She won't know the depth of sadness that this is causing you unless you tell her.

[mitchell]

I really have NO idea if something like this would work. I think other posters have a point that she will have to want to make a change. This is where I think you have an advantage since you're about to be gone for 6 months.

 

That being said, I don't think you asking her to go to an adult toy store has a shot in hell of working. Your suggestions almost come across as "you're not fulfilling me so here's what you're going to do". I think that's the wrong approach right now.

 

If anything, you write her a long, loving letter explaining how you feel about this. Include it in a big care package designed to be opened after you leave. In this care package, include a toy or two, some nice lube, maybe a romantic erotic book she may decide to read along with other things to pamper herself with (non-sexual) while you're gone. If you'd like to include the sex starved book mentioned here, do that (but read it first to make sure that's the message you want included with this). Come from a place of love and "pampering" herself in your absence.

 

She's going to have a long time by herself with limited contact with you. She'll have time to let this sink in and explore without having to report to you about the results or her feelings on the matter. Don't ask her what she thought of it. Let her come to you.

 

If, when you return, things do not improve, you will have to consider other options.

 

I second this suggestion. I've had good luck with the book "Sex-starved marriage" with my wife. It was an eye opener for me and for her. I'd get your wife a basic vibrator along with this book. Write her a loving note expressing your feelings and leave these items for her to find after you leave.

 

Good luck.

[giotto]

seems to me like she doesn't enjoy sex because she doesn't like it. Some women are wired like that... they can take it or leave it... I think you are in a desperate situation. One thing is trying to rekindle a relationship which has gone cold, even sexually, for some reason or another, and another is trying to wake up something which was never there... not a very pleasant situation to be in...