should i send this text?

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

ok some of you guys might have read my other recent post about seeing my ex last weekend. for thoes of you who dont heres a quick catch up.

 

seen my ex last weekend, we said hi and asked how each other was doing but she seemed very uncomfortable and left 10 minutes later. i know she wouldnt have left so soon if i hadnt been there,it was a mutual friends birthday night out and one of her best friends was up for the weekend for it. they do this every year, go to the races during the day the go drinking at night and i know how much she looks forward to it.

 

on our relationship, we where together for 2 years and she ended it out of the blue. we have been split up just over 4 months, i tried for the first month to get back together then again a month later and had no contact since then until the other night.

 

on how im feeling now about it, i still miss her and and wish it hadnt ended and yes part of me was hoping something had happened when i seen her the other night. but at the same time i have accepted its over and concentrating on my life.

 

the main reason i want to send this text is because we have the same group of friends and it is inevitable that we will see each other again some time and i dont want it to be that bad for her. and even if we are not together i would like to be friends with her not in the way of calling her all the time or arranging to do things together just so that if we are out and see each other we can have a conversation without her feeling so uncomfortable.

 

any way heres the text.

 

hi hope your ok, just about the other night. i know its going to be a bit awkward when we see each other but it shouldnt be that bad. when i said hi u looked like u wanted to run away then u basically did, i felt really bad because i know u would have been looking forward to that night. dont know why u feel like that when u never had a problem speaking to **** or ***** after you had split up with them, so why is it different with me? theres going to be times when we see each other so lets not be daft about it ****, we can still be friends.

 

let me know what you guys think. and thanks for any replys

[TaraMaiden]

Nope.

She's your ex.

you are hers.

leave it that way.

Text nothing, e-mail nothing, leave no message, or anything at all.

If she feels awkward, that's her problem, not yours.

You are not there to make her feel comfortable.

You are there because you just happen to be sharing the same space.

Go NC, and ignore her.

Do NOT pander to her sensitivities.

Deal with yourself.

You owe YOU that.

Let her deal with herself.

That's her job, not yours.

 

Repeat:

Do not send anything.

[GrayClouds]

Nope.

She's your ex.

you are hers.

leave it that way.

Text nothing, e-mail nothing, leave no message, or anything at all.

If she feels awkward, that's her problem, not yours.

You are not there to make her feel comfortable.

You are there because you just happen to be sharing the same space.

Go NC, and ignore her.

Do NOT pander to her sensitivities.

Deal with yourself.

You owe YOU that.

Let her deal with herself.

That's her job, not yours.

 

Repeat:

Do not send anything.

what she said

[ahashakeheartbreak]

No. Never text your ex saying things like that. EVER.

Trust me, if they wanted you back/want to talk to you, they'd do it themselves. Just let it be.

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

can i ask why would it be such a bad idea to send it? and if any of you guys are friends with any of your exs? if not why not? im good friends with my other exs who i have had serious relationships with and cant see why it should be any different with this one? im not trying to comfort her im just trying to clear the air so when we do see each other again it wont be so bad.

[TaraMaiden]

I knew it.

I just knew it.

You ask:

"Let me know what you guys think."

 

"You guys" respond with :

"Noooooo!!! Do NOT do this!" - and we tell you why, too.....

 

This is clearly not what you want to hear.

Clearly, what you DO want to hear is:

"Oh good on you mate, what a kind, loving, considerate and generous gesture that it, yeah, sure, go 'head an' send it..."

 

Could you, right now, bear to see her on the arm of another guy right now?

could you, right now, bear her to turn up to a gathering, kissing and hugging another guy?

Could you, right now, stand by emotionlessly and see her hug him, make out with him, and tell everyone this guy is the man of her dreams?

 

Yes, or no?

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

no i couldnt

[whatadeer26]

I know you want to send it and want people to tell you to send it, but DO NOT SEND IT. Leave it at hello when you see her. She left you, you should not feel sorry for her. If anyone should send a text or contact the other it should be her.

 

It's only akward for her, you seem to be fine. You could also be looking into the situation too much. I am that way and it will only hurt you more. What do you expect to get out of texting her?

[cavedweller]

1..she dumped you

2..you still have strong feelings for her

3..don't text her anything

4..move on and forget her

5..she ain't coming back

[TaraMaiden]

no i couldnt

 

EXACTLY!!

 

So - until you can look at her completely dispassionately, being a 'friend' is not an option. You cannot be her friend and still have romantic and emotional feelings and ties to her.

That just prolongs the agony, and makes your pain worse.

 

Until you can look at her, in the above scenario, and think to yourself, "Hey! *Ex* has a new BF! I'm very happy for her, and I hope she has a bright long and happy future with him!" then you have to maintain as little personal Contact with her as is humanly possible.

NC is the way to go, until you can view her with complete, total and utter indifference.

 

THAT'S why you can't be her friend right now, or try to be, or want to be, or thing about being.

 

Got it?

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

i dont know what to expect, what i would like is a reply saying something like, your right it shouldnt be that awkward and i will make more of an effort next time.

 

the other thing is i was going to to put on the end of it if she has my football shirt, im pretty sure she has it. the season starts soon, i might be going travelling in a few weeks and i want my shirt back if she has it. i only realised it was missing last week.

[TaraMaiden]

i dont know what to expect, what i would like is a reply saying something like, your right it shouldnt be that awkward and i will make more of an effort next time.

 

What 'you would like' and 'what would actually happen' are more than likely to be two completely different things.

You would like that, because it would make you feel better, and make you think she still cares about you.

Nope.

She's resentful, angry and irrational.

She's behaving like a petulant kid, and you think your placatory remarks will make her feel better, and be nice to you?

 

Dream on.....!

 

the other thing is i was going to to put on the end of it if she has my football shirt, im pretty sure she has it. the season starts soon, i might be going travelling in a few weeks and i want my shirt back if she has it. i only realised it was missing last week.

So what you do is to ask a mutual friend to call on her one day, and ask her to give it to him, because you want it back.

Ask a guy to go round, he will be more difficult to refuse. She is less likely to engage in a discussion with him about you.

If you ask a mutual girl friend to go round, they will start chatting and discussing stuff, and you may never get it back, because your ex may lie she doesn't have it, and the mutual friend may believe her and not press her for it.

Besides, girls don't 'get' football....guys do.

A guy will get the shirt back. Whatever it takes.

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

yes i understand that, i really do. but i would prefer to be able to have a conversation with her when i see her and it be a bit awkward rather than her feeling she has to leave. but i understand what you said about that being her problem but i just hated that she felt like that. and why im bothered about it is because her 2 best friends are my 2 best female friends, 1 of them is even my best friends sister. and us 4 are out together all the time so its going to happen again sooner or later, and i wanted to be able to avoid that awkwardness if possible.

[whatadeer26]

You are setting yourself up for heartbreak with a text. I know i would expect something along those lines also, but you probably won't get that.

 

I was with my ex for 6 months before she ran into horrible family problems and pushed me away. I had fallen for her head over heals and this has been a really hard 2 weeks. Don't put yourself back in square one and have this false hope. You do not want to be where I am right now feelign as horrible as I do.

 

Don't message her, but be nice when you do see her out. Do yourself a favor and don't bring up being akward around each other. Never show your cards, because as you said you would not be ok seeing her with someone else.

 

I am dreading this weekend because I think I am going to see my ex out.

[TaraMaiden]

Get this through your head:

You avoid it all you want.

What she does, is her problem.

Whatever you feel like inside, don't show it.

(have you read the NC link in my signature?)

Do not let her know how you feel inside.

let her see a happy confident guy who is fine with things, quite happy, and getting on with his life.

How she perceives situations is entirely her problem to overcome, not yours to deal with on her behalf.

 

Have you ever had sex with her?

(I take it the answer will be 'yes'....)

 

Well in that case, she's a big girl, can make her own decisions, and has been an adult long enough to deal with stuff.

You concentrate on getting over her.

let her deal with her own hang-ups.

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

yes i guess it would make me feel better but i know she cares about me on some level, how couldnt she after spending 2 years together? so im not thinking about that i am being honest in my reasons for wanting to send it,im not expecting an act like that to make her change her feelings about "us". i have accepted its over and know because of how stubbon she is even if she wanted me back she wouldnt say becasue she ended it and i know although yes right now i would love her to be back with me im never going to ask her back out because i have to much pride after the way she treated me after the break up.

 

you said shes infuriated and angry? why is that? i guess from your name your a woman so have a more understanding to a female mind than me. so please enlighten me.

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

sorry u said she's resentful and angery. well yes i think she is but thats another thing i cant understand, why does she feel like that when she ended it surley it should be me who feels like that, shouldnt it?

[whatadeer26]

You've done nothing to her. If she does feel that way she has concocted a story which she believe to be true where she is somehow the victim.

 

You said she did this out of the blue. You are not in the wrong. Stay strong and don't let her know how you feel.

[ahashakeheartbreak]

You're doing exactly what everyone is telling you not to do, you keep worrying about her, what she thinks, why she did this, blah blah blah. Let me tell you...people do things sometimes that will have seemingly no answer. You need to help yourself by MOVING ON. Quit thinking about her, her, her. Think about YOU and steer your thoughts in the direction of YOU.

 

I'm gonna be harsh here: you sound very annoying right now. If you texted...you would annoy her. Therefore, you do not need ANNNNYYYY contact with her.

[TaraMaiden]

yes i guess it would make me feel better but i know she cares about me on some level, how couldnt she after spending 2 years together?

Because when people break up with you, it's because they don't feel those feelings for you any more. In actual fact, for whatever reasons, and in whichever way, they will actually turn those feelings of love and affection, into the opposite. This makes them feel justified, and convinces them they were right to break up with you.

She may well have had those feelings. But what she's doing, is asking herself how on earth she could have had those feelings.

 

so im not thinking about that i am being honest in my reasons for wanting to send it,im not expecting an act like that to make her change her feelings about "us". i have accepted its over and know because of how stubbon she is

so she's stubborn. believe me then, when I tell you, that she will be even more determined to resent you, if only to prove to herself, in her own mind, that she was right to break up with you.

So there.

 

even if she wanted me back she wouldnt say becasue she ended it and i know although yes right now i would love her to be back with me im never going to ask her back out because i have to much pride after the way she treated me after the break up.

Good.

keep it that way.

And whatever she does or says, don't go back on this.

Don't even hint.

Don't even make any suggestion of it, whether to her, or implied, or to anyone else.

This is also probably irritating the schyt out of her, because it would make her stubborn little self so vindicated, if you were to come crawling and begging. so the fact that you're doing all the right things and moving on, is making her even more mad.

keep it going, Tiger......

 

you said shes infuriated and angry? why is that? i guess from your name your a woman so have a more understanding to a female mind than me. so please enlighten me.

because it's all your fault you two broke up, of course! How on earth could it be hers?! So the fact that you're on a course with survival as a backpack, just makes her madder. You should be falling apart, and here you are, seeming fine! How dare you be fine!

 

Look - as ahashakeheartbreak rightly says: you can never hope to know, understand or even gain the slightest insight into what makes others tick, or what reasoning they have.

Speculation - as I have done - is one thing.

But you can never know. You can never be sure.

The only thing you can be sure of is that, faced with a situation, you have a choice in how to react.

We've advised you on how to react.

Just do it, ok?

And look to you, your actions, your reactions, your responses and your reasoning.

 

Nothing else.

[Circular]

Because when people break up with you, it's because they don't feel those feelings for you any more. In actual fact, for whatever reasons, and in whichever way, they will actually turn those feelings of love and affection, into the opposite. This makes them feel justified, and convinces them they were right to break up with you.

She may well have had those feelings. But what she's doing, is asking herself how on earth she could have had those feelings.

 

 

so she's stubborn. believe me then, when I tell you, that she will be even more determined to resent you, if only to prove to herself, in her own mind, that she was right to break up with you.

So there.

 

 

Good.

keep it that way.

And whatever she does or says, don't go back on this.

Don't even hint.

Don't even make any suggestion of it, whether to her, or implied, or to anyone el

This is also probably irritating the schyt out of her, because it would make her stubborn little self so vindicated, if you were to come crawling and begging. so the fact that you're doing all the right things and moving on, is making her even more mad.

keep it going, Tiger......

 

 

because it's all your fault you two broke up, of course! How on earth could it be hers?! So the fact that you're on a course with survival as a backpack, just makes her madder. You should be falling apart, and here you are, seeming fine! How dare you be fine!

 

Look - as ahashakeheartbreak rightly says: you can never hope to know, understand or even gain the slightest insight into what makes others tick, or what reasoning they have.

Speculation - as I have done - is one thing.

But you can never know. You can never be sure.

The only thing you can be sure of is that, faced with a situation, you have a choice in how to react.

We've advised you on how to react.

Just do it, ok?

And look to you, your actions, your reactions, your responses and your reasoning.

 

Nothing else.

 

TM - I've read a lot of your posts and I must say you're one of the better advice givers on these boards, you have great insight into how people think.

 

There's a quote that goes something like "it's not about making the right decision, it's about making the decision right"

 

Your ex is doing just that, flopping her emotions around to rationalize her decision to end the relationship. ANYTHING you do now will be seen in a negative way to reinforce her decision. Your "don't want you to feel awkward" will turn into "WTF he's saying I'm awkward f him". This is why you need to go NC and not send a text. You need to let go and take care of YOUR feelings, let her take care of hers. In 6 months you'll see this in a completely different light, and if you are at a point of emotional indifference then go ahead and be friends... But I truly believe we choose our lovers for different reasons than we choose our friends, so I'd advise is she really capable of being a "friend" in tye long term.

[fedupfeelinglikethis]

thanks every 1 who has replied, i have been given some good advice that makes alot of sence especially the insight into the female mind. the text hasbeen deleted! your all right i cant be friends with this girl until i have no feelings for her any more, that is the difference between this one and my other ex's.

 

so maiden what advice can u give for me not to think about her any more? i dont think of her that much and i am moving on. god if it wasnt for that feeling of there being something missing in my life (her) i would have thought the break up was the best thing ever, its kind of saved my life. i joined a gym and lost the extra weight i was carrying and tonnned up, im eating healthy, socailising more, quit smoking, stopped smoking weed, even started studying again for a couple of extra exams. im doing better than ever but most mornings my first thought is her.

 

im doing everything i can to get her out of my head but she just slips in there some how!!!!

[GrayClouds]

thanks every 1 who has replied, i have been given some good advice that makes alot of sence especially the insight into the female mind. the text hasbeen deleted! your all right i cant be friends with this girl until i have no feelings for her any more, that is the difference between this one and my other ex's.

 

so maiden what advice can u give for me not to think about her any more? i dont think of her that much and i am moving on. god if it wasnt for that feeling of there being something missing in my life (her) i would have thought the break up was the best thing ever, its kind of saved my life. i joined a gym and lost the extra weight i was carrying and tonnned up, im eating healthy, socailising more, quit smoking, stopped smoking weed, even started studying again for a couple of extra exams. im doing better than ever but most mornings my first thought is her.

 

im doing everything i can to get her out of my head but she just slips in there some how!!!!

 

When you think of her try to figure out why and define it. Are you lonely, horny, angry, sad. Figure out the emotion associated with it and then do something about it...lonely call a real friend, horny rub on off, angry go for a run, sad do something that make you happy. Figure out what you really need and stop thinking and start doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ps it does not get any better then taraM

[ahashakeheartbreak]

Gray has great advice! Also, when you find your thoughts steering towards her, try to steer them in another direction. Everytime you think of her, tell yourself no, and think of something...anything...else. It's hard but it's possible, and it's helped me soo much. Keep your mind busy, reading is great. The brain can only concentrate on so much at once. you CAN control your thoughts to an extent. Really.

[TaraMaiden]

fedup, it's not the first thought that is the problem.

The problem is that you then allow that thought to snowball, and become a story you tell yourself.

 

Whenever something is going on in our lives, we focus on it.

It's natural. Our attention is drawn to what pulls it.

There's nothing wrong with that, but what then arises in our mind, is the fiction, the scenario we build up around that first attention-grabbing thought.

So you think of her.

What happens next?

you start dwelling on it, and you actually elaborate your thinking to expand, until you're thinking of nothing else.

 

So when the thought of her comes up, just follow it with -

"Oh you're back, are you?

Trying to de-rail me and bring me down, are you?

sorry, it's not going to happen.

Thanks for coming, but I have other things to do. Nice try, though....."

 

And switch to thinking of something else.

Anything at all.

Like, how many dust-bunnies there are under your bed, or whether you think your front door could do with a lick of paint, or what would it be like to live a completely vegetarian week, for a change. (Don't tell me. You already are a.....)

But you get the gist.

Whilst multi-tasking isn't a problem, a mind filled with one thought can't accommodate any others....

So think of something else.

Not something weak, like "isn't it a nice day?" (because that's just being namby-pamby and the thought will squeeze right back in....) but something really consuming......

In time, this will become such a natural thing for you, that it won't matter any more.....

 

All things worth doing, take a bit of effort.

Your happiness should be the one thing you put the greatest effort into.