Thierro Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) First of all I want to thank you all for being here on this marvelous site. I have read a lot of posts and it sure helped me a lot knowing that I am definitely not alone with my break-up story and that we’ve all been/ are in a similar situation with the same feelings that we have to cope with. We are here for each other even though we don’t even really know each other, but we can relate to each other because of our stories and find rest and comfort. So here comes my story that I just wanted to share. Once I was socially inept. I would lock myself up in my room and live my own made up stories. I would spend my days behind a computer screen and made friends this way. The only wish I had in my life was to find true love. I believed in that one special girl and it was my only purpose in life to find her. I had a hard time meeting girls though. I was the silent guy in the corner that had nothing to talk about. I became sick and tired of it and wanted to do something about it. I reframed my whole life and learned how to be good with girls in a pure scientific way. My whole life in general changed because of it. Guys wanted to be me and girls wanted me. I became the ‘man’. The downside to it all, is that I began seeing everything like a game. I became a machine without feelings whatsoever. I gave up on fate, the whole true love thing and I approached everything in life scientifically. I just didn’t care. I always felt like superman; a kind of state I felt invincible. But I disliked it. Inside me I felt I was betraying myself. My outside/social interaction screamed superman, but deep inside I felt like Clark Kent and that I wanted to be the Clark Kent. I just wanted things to be real and not everything to be science, that not everything has rules. I wanted to be a sweet and vulnerable guy without the world taking advantages of that. …out of nowhere a girl came into my life that changed it all around. I felt a connection with her, someone I could be my true self and be that Clark Kent. She loved me for it. She loved the guy I am. So I gave up on everything I learned because I started believing again. She became my true love. Like she came down from heaven and swept me of my feet. I gave myself to her. But after 5 years she ended the LDR. Her feelings just changed, she wanted to meet new people and have new experiences, she didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. My heart broke. I thought to myself; what the hell is going on? What the hell happened? I was everything she needed and wanted. We made plans for living together next April. We already bought things for our new home. But her heart shut me out. I was in her way while I still loved her. She didn’t want me to touch her. Her words were cold. “Get out of my life” is what I could read from her eyes. Two weeks before the break-up she still looked at me and said; I love you so so much…Why? Throughout the relationship I was insecure. I thought that I’d lose her because of guys that had the same skills like me before the relationship. I know insecurity can be suffocating, but I needed to be honest. Our relationship was based on honesty and I didn’t want to change that. “What did I do wrong?” Is what I thought. During my relationship I always believed in the self-fulfilling prophecy; everything you think that will happen, will happen. I was just too scared to lose her one day. And yes, now I have. I knew my insecurities would damage our relationship, but I swore to tell her the truth about anything at all, so I did.. I guess I was too “sweet”. My mistake was wanting to do everything for her. It’s what I loved doing. When she would fall asleep in front of the TV, I would lift her up and carry her to bed. I’d wake her up and give her a glass of water and her toothbrush so she could brush her teeth. I smothered and suffocated her by wanting to take care of her. “Let me do the ironing, let me clean the toilet (sometimes we spend weeks together at her house while her parents were on vacation)..” I just had a lot of fun doing this kind of stuff while we were together. At a certain moment she told me that she didn’t want that too much. She wanted to do things around the house too. So yeah, I let her do her own stuff. Every time she told me something that was on her mind or bothering her, I would try to change it. She knew that I worked on my weaknesses and that I accomplished certain things while doing so. So this couldn’t be the problem? Next thing I thought was ‘Maybe I was too boring?’. When we would see each other in the weekends, we would watch movies en series together in bed. We really enjoyed doing this, so most of the time we were just watching movies. This was our choice, she maybe even insisted on it more than I did. We play board games together and she always kicked my butt at it, we played computer games. You guy’s ever played Mario Galaxy on Wii? It’s lovely to give your partner the remote or nonchuck so you both are responsible for the movements of Mario and you will have to rely on each other. It was so sweet that we could work it out together and we were actually good at it. We also did a lot of crafts (coloring books, claying, finger-paint each other etc. etc.) Sometimes we would skip school for a day and go out somewhere; the cinema, amusement parks, having a picnic. At home we couldn’t do a lot of different stuff, we just genuinely wanted to lock ourselves up in our room and be intimate with each other. Maybe it became too much the same, although I really tried to put some variety in it. And like I said, she always insisted on watching movies. People change. I know that. But it was all too sudden. We really believed in what we had. She just dropped the bomb out of nowhere. Two weeks before the breakup we had a weekend together. She enjoyed it so much. But after the break-up she told me she just was fooling herself in being happy. Now she is doing everything she hated from the start of our relationship. She is doing sports, going out to bars with friends and she is flirting with tons of guys right now. Even one romantically. This crushed my heart. Where is that girl I uses to know? Everything felt like betrayal and a lie. What I learned? That I am not alone, that it’s ridiculous to believe that my story is unique and different from all the others. That it was not truly special. It all feels like a dream. Like it never happened. As if it all was in my head. I don’t understand it at all. I grieved and grieved. I gave it a place even though I still hunger for the old she. But I know she will not come back and she is just in my head. I don’t know if I will ever find a girl like her. This is what most of the people think around here too. So I guess this will get better in time. I learned that I should appreciate everything more. That I need to live every day as if it’s my last. I need to work on myself and be my true best friend before I enter a different relationship. I need to be confident and satisfied with myself. Insecurities is a waste of time and I need to know that I am worth. This is my world, people are the guests and I am the host. I need to achieve my goals. Man in the mirror poem: If you get what you want in your struggle for self, And the world makes you King for a day, Then go to the mirror and look at yourself, And see what that man has to say. For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife, Who's judgement upon you must pass. The person whose verdict counts most in your life Is the guy staring back from the glass. He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest, For he's with you clear up to the end, And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test If the guy in the glass is your friend. You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, And get pats on the back as you pass, But your final reward will be heartaches and tears If you've cheated the man in the glass What if she calls you? I’m in NC for 2 weeks now. I don’t think she will ever call me. She wanted to be friends, but I couldn’t do it, so I chose what’s the best thing for myself. I told her that if she has problems in the future that she can come to me. I will always care for her. It doesn’t matter what decision she makes, I just want her to be happy. And if she needs help, I will be there for her. I can’t really say if I would want her back. I miss the old her, but not the person she became. She is disrespectful of what we had. I don’t admire that in a person. If the relationship had a true meaning, then she would not flirt like her life is depending on it. I know that I am changing right now. That I am developing myself. I will be careful whatever may happen in the future and I will stay true to myself and will never neglect my self-worth like I did while I was with her. In a way I blame this break-up on myself. That I needed to learn this sooner so that it would have worked out. I know I would have eventually during the relationship. I think I pushed her away by being to suffocating. Oh well.. it takes two to hold on and invest. I know that people can be happy together for a lifetime. That they have the same feelings from the start. It is nice to know you can have a connection with someone like that. So yeah, in a way true love does exist when the right fundamentals are there . Maybe not the way I want it to be, but it’s a good compromise. I tried my best, I really did. But I think that loving her too much wasn't a good thing. Edited June 29, 2010 by Thierro
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