Mimolicious Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I think this is kind of good...maybe you won't feel so alone. Since I knew no one who had experienced this, I felt completely alone. Like my marriage was the only one in the world that had been rocked by infidelity. Either way though, it can be hard to talk about IRL. :( I'm so sorry that you felt this way. When in actually it happens more than we want to admit. I felt this way but just within my immediate family and circle of friends. We were the first of the clan to get married and have a family. No one else was married. But my H was a public figure in our community and did it in front of everyone... so I basically didn't have a much of a choice to hide it and I wouldn't have, anyway. I'm not the "glass ceiling" type that lives with the "It can't happen to me" attitude. I TOLD EVERYONE! My family, friends, boss, EVERYONE! Besides, I hit such a brick wall that I needed people to understand what I was going through, where I was coming from rather than to think that I was some nasty bitch that hated life. Years after I found this place. I can't say that I have gotten any 'support', since a lot of people shut you down because you are a "scorned, miserable, evil, fat BS" (lol) that can't accept that OW is "sexier", "hotter" and a better woman than you are because he left with her, (gotta love the support there!) but I've learned a thing or two. Hope you guys do as well and can find some type of window to let it out like you feel you can't IRL. (hugs)
imagine Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Audacia, the advantage of keeping contact with OWH is to keep him informed on the subsequent events. Both you and he need each other to save your marriage.
Darth Vader Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I have spoke to the OW husband. He found out about the A at about the same time. My Husband told her he was telling me and it was over and I think she told him because she knew I would contact him. I knew the OW and her husband. Not friends but acquaintances. There has been a NC letter and I read it. I also sent her a message when she continued to try and contact. I didn't notify her husband though. I figured that was his problem. My husband told me she was sending him texts and asked if he could change his number. This is when I contacted her to stop contacting us. She then started sending me hateful letters accusing me of having his phone and how pitiful was that. I didnt respond. That's when we decided to change emails and delete facebook. It's just so much drama I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I feel like I'm in some horrible lifetime movie. Have you contacted her husband to inform him of the nasty letters and continued contact and attempted contact by OW? This OW wants to continue the affair from the sounds of it! This OW's husband should, or rather must be informed about this. His wife may have done this before your husband and her got together. Have you gotten STD testing done yet?
Darth Vader Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Your mind may not feel the anger but your body does and that's why you have loss so much weight. It will take time to get angry but you will feel it sooner or later. Hmmm, it's like an implosion before the explosion. Lady, rest assured, you will go Nuclear!
Darth Vader Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 People I would have never imagined told me about what they went through. I know people who left and people who stayed. It's just harder to talk about it IRL. I don't like talking about it to anyone but my spouse and best friend and even then it's kinda hard. It just feels easier to talk about it on here. It is easier because you know as well as the rest of us, that you're not talking with someone face to face, so in some way, it does give the illusion of talking with someone who's not really there, they are there, just in another part of the world. It's also easier to understand the written words (at least for me) than the spoken, because the spoken words can be skewed or misinterprated more easily. It's also more difficult to twist words around on someone here or to rewrite history, because all a person has to do is re-read what was typed, how can a person deny what was typed? It's out there for all to see.
Darth Vader Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 :( I'm so sorry that you felt this way. When in actually it happens more than we want to admit. I felt this way but just within my immediate family and circle of friends. We were the first of the clan to get married and have a family. No one else was married. But my H was a public figure in our community and did it in front of everyone... so I basically didn't have a much of a choice to hide it and I wouldn't have, anyway. I'm not the "glass ceiling" type that lives with the "It can't happen to me" attitude. I TOLD EVERYONE! My family, friends, boss, EVERYONE! Besides, I hit such a brick wall that I needed people to understand what I was going through, where I was coming from rather than to think that I was some nasty bitch that hated life. Years after I found this place. I can't say that I have gotten any 'support', since a lot of people shut you down because you are a "scorned, miserable, evil, fat BS" (lol) that can't accept that OW is "sexier", "hotter" and a better woman than you are because he left with her, (gotta love the support there!) but I've learned a thing or two. Hope you guys do as well and can find some type of window to let it out like you feel you can't IRL. (hugs) You, a BS have gotten no support from LS? (Hugs to you girl!) I hope this doesn't ruin my Evil reputation! AAARGH!!!
Mimolicious Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 You, a BS have gotten no support from LS? (Hugs to you girl!) I hope this doesn't ruin my Evil reputation! AAARGH!!! DB-Dont meant to TJ but to respond to your post, ironically, no I haven't. Not like I want a "Team Mimolicious". I am not in HS and I am here by choice. I find it that when I have voiced my struggles and opinions based on my personal experience, I've actually gotten more insults, STFU's, WHO CARES!, and get called all sorts of BS that a BS gets called rather than any instructive feedback. Very few posters have kept it cool, but whatever. I have gone through worse ish IRL. and I your evil reputation. LOL! I actually read your post with much respect.
Author Audacia Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 I have an appointment with my MD at the end of July. It's the earliest I could get in. I know I should probably go to a clinic and just be tested but I really would rather wait to see my regular MD. As for contact with the OWH. The first time I contacted him I told him his wife was contacting me and my husband. He seemed a bit surprised by it. At this point she wasn't harassing me but just trying to tell her side. She was pretty much making excuses as to why she had the A. She was trying to be the victim and tell me my husband took advantage of her because he knew she was at a vulnerable point in her life (Money problems, marriage problems, her numerous kids and having to cart them everywhere). She was sending messages to my husband that at first were hateful then turned into the "you hurt me but I guess you don't care" type. After I contacted her husband is when the harassment started. I think she was livid I would contact him. I didn't notify him of the hateful messages and I'd rather not. From what friends say their marriage is doomed and this isn't new for either of them. I just don't want to have contact with either one of them at this point. I feel like I'll be letting her back in.
Author Audacia Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 It is easier because you know as well as the rest of us, that you're not talking with someone face to face, so in some way, it does give the illusion of talking with someone who's not really there, they are there, just in another part of the world. It's also easier to understand the written words (at least for me) than the spoken, because the spoken words can be skewed or misinterprated more easily. It's also more difficult to twist words around on someone here or to rewrite history, because all a person has to do is re-read what was typed, how can a person deny what was typed? It's out there for all to see. I think it also has a lot to do with embarrassment and shame with me as well. I feel like a fool talking face to face with most people. I feel as if I can see pity in their eyes. Or that they are thinking how foolish I am.
Darth Vader Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I think it also has a lot to do with embarrassment and shame with me as well. I feel like a fool talking face to face with most people. I feel as if I can see pity in their eyes. Or that they are thinking how foolish I am. Perhaps they may think you're foolish that you're taking back a cheater, or they may be asking themselves how can she take back a cheater, they may not mean that either way mind you, but people think things. Some of it could also be disbelief. Remember you're not foolish for wanting to try, personally, I'd be like, out they go! But, that's me. But, some try to no avail, that's why most here say to lose them, because more often than not, the cheater cheats again, only this time they've learned to cover their tracks better.
Namul Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 My wife and I are still together after she found out that I had cheated. My reasons were selfish and stupid. The anger will come. Let it come. Ask him all of the questions that you want as many times as you want to. Do not hold back, do not leave anything unclear in your mind, but do this while it is fresh. If you hold back, at some point you will start feeling guilty for bringing it back up. Tear that wound apart while it is still fresh, because at some point...and it is different for each person....you will have to let it go, and start forgiving him. I was wrong, and your husband was wrong. It was hard to answer my wifes questions, but I knew it had to be done if she was ever going to have a chance to get over it. The guilt that I felt was crushing, but I completely understood her need to know. If years later we were still rehashing things though...I do not believe either of us would be happy. The thing to remember about working it out with your spouse, is that it will never be the same again. It will be a new relationship with new dynamics. Address the issues that lead to the affair. Address the changes that both parties have to make to be happy. It will not be the same as it was, but that can be a good thing.
Recommended Posts