Audacia Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I'm new here so forgive me if I don't understand the abbreviations. If someone could post them or direct me to them I'd be grateful. My husband confessed to an affair 3 weeks ago. He was literaly sick the whole day before he told me. I was always the woman who said I would never stay with a cheater and he was 100% sure I would tell him to leave. But when it happened I couldn't tell him to leave. I didn't want him to. The A lasted for 2 months and they had 2 sexual encounters. He's divulged everything and I believe him even though sometimes I think I'm stupid and weak for doing so. He immediately told her he wanted no contact, she's married with kids, and she wouldn't stop contacting him. He immediately changed his number and deactivated all email and facebook accounts. He set up marriage counseling and we've been to one session which we both enjoyed, Our second one is later this week. He's been super affectionate, super remorseful, meets any demands I have and answers any questions I have. He took me out of town for the weekend a week after it to get me out of the house and it helped a lot. We both told our parents and close friends and they have all been supportive but shell shocked. I found out 2 of my close friends had husbands who had A at the beginning of their marriage and they worked through it. One's been happily married for 25 years since her A and the other for 4 years. This helped alot knowing people who've survived it. I was crushed. I cried for a week. I felt like I was dying. I have never been in so much pain in my life. I've lost 25 lbs. My MD put me on Cymbalta and Klonopin. I have NEVER been on mood medications but I feel they have helped a great deal. I'm in a fog most of the time but sometimes it creeps up on me and knocks me down. It's gotten easier day by day and I want to trust him so bad. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. And I hate it. My only problem is I haven't gotten angry. I've been more angry at myself. A little for always saying I would never stay with a cheater and a little for "letting" this happen. But I haven't got angry at him yet. I'm mad at him for doing this but not blood boiling, homicidal rage angry. Is this normal? Will the anger come after the sadness wears off? I would like to hear from people who have decided to stay after they found out. Thank you!
confusedinkansas Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Sorry that you're having to deal with this. My husband did not get Blood Boiling Rage Angry either. Many people believe that if you don't do that & crawl under a rock, well then you aren't truly dealing with the situation. I disagree. Ask your friends about their initial reaction. You'd be surprised how many people don't get that way. If it's not in your character to lash out & become uncontrollable angry, then the likeliness that you'll do it in this situation is probably slim to none. I was the one that had the affair in my marriage & I will say this - from the 'other side of the track'.......It can survive. It does get easier. If you are enjoying counseling & you believe it will help your situation - good for you guys. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Author Audacia Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) I wish you all the luck in the world. Thank you! I worry that he will get sick of the questions and the sadness. I fear that I'm healing to fast and that means it doesn't bother me like it should. I'm not an angry person and neither is he. I can count on one hand the times I've lost my cool. I think I'm just scared of everything now and it drives me crazy because that is not who I am. Edited June 29, 2010 by Audacia
imagine Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 They say that anger takes place when Your "taker" kicks in. This may be a couple of months into recovery. Warn your husband about this phenomenon. Right now your "giver" is working overtime to restore your marriage. Eventually it overworks and that is when your husband need be super careful. OW husband needs to know about the affair in order to sort out his own marriage. A no contact letter short be written to the OW. You must check and revise it before he sends it. You have our support.
Snowflower Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) Hi Audacia, Welcome to LS! I'm sorry you had to find this forum under such awful circumstances. I can relate to A LOT in your post--your situation with your husband is very similar to what mine was a little over 18 months ago. And yes, my H and I are still together. What you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. There is no right or wrong way to feel so don't worry about that. Everyone reacts differently. But I do recognize a lot of what you are saying that you are feeling as being similar to my own. As for the anger...it took me a few weeks to begin to find it. But like you, I've never been one to have a temper and I'm pretty cool-headed most of time. I will say this about anger though--I think it is an important part in the healing process. So if and when it does come for you--don't fight it. Work through the anger phase on your own timetable. It could be very brief or it could go on for several weeks or months. My anger peaked at about 2 months after d-day and then it slowly died out over the next several months. Toward the end of the process, I would have an angry moment but then it would go away. I can now say that my anger is completely gone. Something my IC (individual counselor) said to me very early on has always stuck with me. My IC was concerned why I wasn't angry yet--sort of like what you mention. I didn't know what was "wrong" with me either! But my counselor did say that if I didn't work out the anger, that it eventually it would turn into bitterness and resentment which will be toxic for the recovering marriage. It made a lot of sense and when my anger did come, and like I said it was not as intense as it is for some people, I worked hard to get through it and not bury it. I let it run its course because no matter what, I didn't want to end up bitter and resentful. Make sense? Edited June 29, 2010 by Snowflower
Author Audacia Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 I have spoke to the OW husband. He found out about the A at about the same time. My Husband told her he was telling me and it was over and I think she told him because she knew I would contact him. I knew the OW and her husband. Not friends but acquaintances. There has been a NC letter and I read it. I also sent her a message when she continued to try and contact. I didn't notify her husband though. I figured that was his problem. My husband told me she was sending him texts and asked if he could change his number. This is when I contacted her to stop contacting us. She then started sending me hateful letters accusing me of having his phone and how pitiful was that. I didnt respond. That's when we decided to change emails and delete facebook. It's just so much drama I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I feel like I'm in some horrible lifetime movie.
2sure Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I am a BS (betrayed spouse) who did experience homicidal blood boiling anger. My H did none of the things your H has done. The heavy lifting was all on me, including discovery, finding out details, appointments with MC, etc. All done by my initiations, all he did was add words. After his behavior continued is when the anger came. What I am saying is that his choice to have an affair is in NO WAY any fault of yours. You may have neglected the marriage to some degree or another , but that in no way makes you even partially responsible for his actions in doing this. But it also sounds like this is something your husband did to himself, that he is genuinely remorseful, that he is suffering consequences as you are. The anger comes when it feels like you are the only one suffering the consequences of your WS 's (wayward spouse) actions.
broken12 Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I am so sorry that you are joining us. NO-ONE should have to. I am 3.5 months past D-day (the day you find out!) I would say, for me, that I felt no anger for about 2 months. TBQH (to be quite honest), I think I just felt so overwhelmed with sadness that I had no room for anger. However, as the weeks went on, I guess the sadness and the shock started to decrease just a little and 2 months on I completely lost it - "how could he throw away something as good as we had on a whim?", "how could he risk something that he KNEW was really good for someone he hardly knew?", "how could he hurt someone that he loved so much for something that was totally self gratifying?" etc etc. Since then, I have had one other "losing it" episode, both in the car for some reason (1 on a motorway - not recommended!!). Both times were on days that my WS was trying particularly hard to give me a special day (sadly) - I think I just flipped that he thought he could make up for totally betraying me with "special days". Of course he wasn't - they were just included as part of a long string of anything he could do to make it better. I think I just felt pressurized to be "grateful" and "happy" and it just tipped me over the edge. I have lost 28lbs in 3.5 months. I don't know whether you wanted to lose weight, but for me, it is DEFINITELY a perk - no diet, no illness! just hideous sadness. I know that you think it's getting easier day by day, but don't be too despondent (either of you) if you get days (or several) when you feel like you've regressed and it all seems as painful as it did in the beginning. It's like grief - you gradually get more and more "good" days and less and less "bad" days. I still worry that my partner will get sick of all the sadness and the questions. TBQH I think sometimes he does a little - only in that I can see him thinking "surely we talked about this part last week - what more can I tell you? Are you trying to catch me out?" HOWEVER, he still answers as honestly as he can, and so long as he is willing to answer and willing to talk, that's all I ask. I also swore I would never stay if he cheated and also feel weak that I couldn't stand up for my principals when the s**t hit the fan. For me, I'm with him because of what I feel is genuine, very deep remorse and love for me. For me, he is proving that by not being thwarted by my sadness and questions. If I felt that he was getting "fed up" with my sadness and questions, I would doubt his sincerity (it's the least he can do in the circumstances). So far so good....but it's not an easy road that any of us on this board travel.......
Author Audacia Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 I'm terrified of the anger. I am so scared it's going to make me into someone I'm not. I'm scared it will eat away at me. The sadness doesn't scare me like that though. I don't want to be jaded or bitter. I'm scared also that the anger will push him away. He's reassured me that it won't and he deserves it when it comes. I know we can't be the same people or have the same marriage we had before but I'm scared that we will become two different people that just don't work. I have another question. I don't not want to have sex with him. If anything I feel the closest during it and the calmest. I've read where women can't even fathom the thought after it. I asked the MC and he said this was normal and very healing. What was your experience with this?
Author Audacia Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 Hyterical Bonding. Lol, that sounds so awful! Is it normally helpful? It just sounds so negative.
stillafool Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Your mind may not feel the anger but your body does and that's why you have loss so much weight. It will take time to get angry but you will feel it sooner or later.
2sure Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 No, the sexual bonding regardless of the reson for it , is probably a good step toward recovery - for yourself.
broken12 Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 If it makes you feel close and calm for a while....don't fight it.....if it gives your mind and body a little relief from the pain......how can that be bad? It's bonding and for me it's a time when we became "equal" again......not just me firing questions at him and him feeling ashamed and embarrassed of the answers. Don't fight it....
Mimolicious Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I wasn't angry. I was too devastated to get angry. My H got caught, begged for a chance, did the MC, travel, gifts, etc. Months went by, changed even his GYM schedule to make it seem like he meeting the demands of working things out. He was lying! Was just all a facade, he was still in an A with OW. Of course, this is not your story... but I guess everyone has a different story and different mechanism. Maybe you'll never get angry. I didn't get angry till my divorce when I saw my life in pieces after all the years invested in a R. I still get angry from time to time... but with myself for wasting my youth and being so naive, not knowing better and allow someone to use me this way.
silktricks Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 former BS (betrayed spouse) here. 6 years past D-Day (discovery day). Like you, my husband told me about it - which is in my opinion a plus. Regarding the lack of anger... different people are different. I'd just suggest that you not worry about what your reaction is or isn't. If you do get angry down the road, don't beat yourself up over it, but also, don't fret if you don't get angry. Give yourself permission to just be you... Sex - wanting to have sex pretty much all the time is normal. Many call that hysterical bonding - but no matter what it's called, it's normal and quite nice. A word about this site - you will find many mixed people here. Some are, such as yourself, current/newly discover BS (betrayed spouse). Some are WS (wayward spouse), some are OW/OM (other woman, other man). Some are currently involved in EMR (extra-marital relationships) some are not. Some are absolutely dead-set against recovering a marriage that has experienced infidelity.... well, you get the idea. There is a mixed bag. Don't take everything to heart, as it will tear you up. Take what applies to you, that works for you, and leave anything else on the floor. Marriages can recover from infidelity and prosper. Ours has. It all depends on the people in the marriage. The very best of luck to you.
Author Audacia Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 Thank you! I realize it's a mixed bag here. I read a lot on here before I joined. I just feel so alone in this and I needed support from other BS who decided to stay. The "Hysterical Bonding" is quiet nice though and the weight loss isn't bad either I do feel that him confessing is the only thing that saved us. Thank you all for your support!
Snowflower Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Thank you! I realize it's a mixed bag here. I read a lot on here before I joined. I just feel so alone in this and I needed support from other BS who decided to stay. The "Hysterical Bonding" is quiet nice though and the weight loss isn't bad either I do feel that him confessing is the only thing that saved us. Thank you all for your support! I know all about the feeling all alone in this! IRL (in real life), I had a few friends I could talk to about this but it was difficult and since most of them knew my H and were friends with him too--it made it awkward. And I knew no one who had gone through infidelity in their own marriage. I guess I am "unlucky" that my friends/family have never had that happen to them-but good for them! So, I found LS--and it has been a sanity-saver for me at times. Like SK mentioned, take what you find helpful and leave the rest. You're quite new to this--I didn't join and start posting on LS until almost 4 months after d-day because it was much too raw for me until then. So take what you read here in small doses and with careful consideration! I can understand perfectly what you are saying--my H confessed too and I feel it was what saved us. If things get rough or you feel really sad, just remember that he did at least do that, most likely because he loved you.
broken12 Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Absolutely. Grab hold of whatever you KNOW to be true that meant you were, in fact, loved. Mine didn't confess, I don't believe he ever would have, BUT in my case he WOULDN'T make it physical, BECAUSE he loved me. Whatever it is that makes a difference, grab hold of it.
broken12 Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 But confessing......IMO (in my opinion)......that's even better....I wish mine had.....
Fight4Me Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 In regards to your last question about wanting to have sex with him, your MC is right... it is normal and healthy. It's called hysterical bonding, and is basically a BS's need to reclaim his/her spouse as their own. Enjoy it as long as it lasts! As to your first question about anger, let me first say that your experience is almost identical to mine, right down to how long the A lasted. I, too, thought maybe something was wrong since I seemed to be healing so much quicker than most BS's I would read about on the internet, etc. I am convinced that a lot of that had to do with my fWH's attitude and willingness to help me heal. There were times when he would get frustrated over having to answer the same questions repeatedly, but I printed off a bunch of helpful materials I found in the Healing Library of survivinginfidelity.com, that helped explain to him the reasons behind my need to do so. He consulted those materials when I hit my anger stage. I knew it could happen, and thankfully, I also knew it was a normal healthy stage of the healing process. I think it hit around the five-month mark and I don't recall what triggered it, but was able to control it enough to warn my fWH what was happening, and that I was going to need his help getting through it (although, I couldn't tell him how to help at the time). If nothing else, giving him fair warning made me feel like I could at least count on him to take the kids and give me a wide berth to deal with the rage, and yes... it was rage. It didn't change who I was, and it didn't frighten me at the time because I knew it was normal. Also, it was righteous anger. We were counseled by our pastor and his wife, who really supported me through each emotional stage and never once suggested that what I was feeling was wrong. They encouraged me to be honest about every negative thought and to express myself openly. Obviously, they also encouraged me to do so appropriately. Too deny yourself the honest expression of emotions toward the person solely responsible for them, then that's when the destructive, unhealthy traits start to take root... like bitterness, resentment, hatred. So, in a nutshell, if/when the anger hits, don't suppress it. Remind yourself that it's something that both of you need to work through, and that it won't last. It will not change you if you don't allow it to fester. Welcome to LS, btw.
Mimolicious Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I know all about the feeling all alone in this! IRL (in real life), I had a few friends I could talk to about this but it was difficult and since most of them knew my H and were friends with him too--it made it awkward. And I knew no one who had gone through infidelity in their own marriage. I guess I am "unlucky" that my friends/family have never had that happen to them-but good for them! So, I found LS--and it has been a sanity-saver for me at times. Like SK mentioned, take what you find helpful and leave the rest. You're quite new to this--I didn't join and start posting on LS until almost 4 months after d-day because it was much too raw for me until then. So take what you read here in small doses and with careful consideration! I can understand perfectly what you are saying--my H confessed too and I feel it was what saved us. If things get rough or you feel really sad, just remember that he did at least do that, most likely because he loved you. You knew no one that would want to admit to it, put their business on blast or probably didn't know it was happening to them. Don't feel like because people don't talk about it or is not obvious to the nake eye it is not happening.
Snowflower Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 You knew no one that would want to admit to it, put their business on blast or probably didn't know it was happening to them. Don't feel like because people don't talk about it or is not obvious to the nake eye it is not happening. This could very well be true and I've thought of that. I also told relatively few people IRL--it wasn't the type of thing I wanted to blast from the rooftops! But you're right...people may have kept quiet about their experiences for their own reasons. If I'm ever confronted with this happening to a close friend/family member, I would have to decide what, if anything, I would divulge about my experience.
Author Audacia Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 People I would have never imagined told me about what they went through. I know people who left and people who stayed. It's just harder to talk about it IRL. I don't like talking about it to anyone but my spouse and best friend and even then it's kinda hard. It just feels easier to talk about it on here.
Snowflower Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 People I would have never imagined told me about what they went through. I know people who left and people who stayed. I think this is kind of good...maybe you won't feel so alone. Since I knew no one who had experienced this, I felt completely alone. Like my marriage was the only one in the world that had been rocked by infidelity. Either way though, it can be hard to talk about IRL.
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