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One month down....fluctuating between anger and misery

jond77

By jond77
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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jond77 Member

jond77

Posted
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So here is my story. I was with this girl for nearly five years. There was an age gap but in the early days it never proved a problem. Overshadowing our relationship was the fact my mother was dying and I had depression. She was studying at university and I pretty much supported us both. We tried to have as much fun as possible, but she was more impulsive than me and I knew she wanted more.

 

Having depression causes me to overanalyse somethings and not jump into the moment as much as I would like. At times I could fix this, but over the last year (after my mother's death) I became hard to live with and sunk into a bit of rut. She moved back home, to save money, and we tried to keep things going.

 

About two months ago after a breakdown on my part, I brought up that maybe we should take a break as I could see she was unhappy. She agreed but after one day called me saying we have made a mistake and she was miserable. Like a fool I went back to her. This is because yes I still loved her, still do.

 

Anyway last month she went interstate for work for a week. Before she had said how about we try a week of no contact to see if she could cope having a "break". During that week she had lots of fun and exciting things happened to her,she ran a conference, met famous people "bonded with her workmates". I could tell she was having fun by her status updates on facebook. When she came back she called me up and dumped me. it is hard because she moved the position from one of mutual understanding to one of

her having a psychological hold over me. now it is a month down and I am screwed up. I feel like I am boring and dull, I know, from friends, that she is out having an awesome time without me. So I just feel like I must have been a terrible influence on her. I am bored and depressed and trying desperately to move on with my life but I don't know what to do.

 

Funny thing is, know I can see all the fun things we could have done. Even though we didn't have money, Hindsight is a prick of a thing.

 

I guess I am just looking for some advice on how to move on

GrayClouds Established Member

GrayClouds

Posted
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It has only been 1 month, it was a long relationship. Usually the real insanity does not slow down for another month or two, so be kind to yourself.

 

You also need to be taking care of yourself to help you move on. Unless she is beating down your door wanting to make it work, she is moving on and just using you as a safety net.

 

Start by eating well, get sleep, start exercising every day, hang out with people who care about you. Read the following links and do all that they say:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

It feels counter intuitive but it will help move you forward.

 

Good luck. It does get better the more you work at it.

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jond77 Member

jond77

Posted
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Thanks for that. I guess it has dredged up a lot of other issues with my general self confidence and such things. My greatest fear is not moving on with my life as this was a problem before we got together. I have a lot of dreams that I never follow so seeing her blossom now that I am not in her life is quite painful. I guess it is jealousy which is quite a bad trait.

 

Thanks again

GrayClouds Established Member

GrayClouds

Posted
Posted
Thanks for that. I guess it has dredged up a lot of other issues with my general self confidence and such things. My greatest fear is not moving on with my life as this was a problem before we got together. I have a lot of dreams that I never follow so seeing her blossom now that I am not in her life is quite painful. I guess it is jealousy which is quite a bad trait.

 

Thanks again

 

It is what break-ups do. And the best way to get through them is to focus on what you need and want out of life. By doing that, it is a way to make something out of all the pain.

 

So this is life now telling you it's time to do the hard work and make some positive changes. Your better life is waiting for you. The work begains.

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jond77 Member

jond77

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Thanks I think you are right, I know that this the right step forward I just need to know how to make that step I guess.

 

I also, in time, would like to send her a letter. I don't want to get back with her or be needy, but I would like to send her a letter one day just saying that I am grateful for the time we had and I understand the reasons as to why it ended.

 

Is this a strange thing to want?

cavedweller Established Member

cavedweller

Posted
Posted

jond77,

 

Do not send a letter..I repeat, do not send a letter..She dumped you..You must accept it and move on.

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jond77 Member

jond77

Posted
  • Author
Posted
jond77,

 

Do not send a letter..I repeat, do not send a letter..She dumped you..You must accept it and move on.

 

ok I wont. I guess i Just wanted closure because of the way she shifted the power from me doing the right thing to her dumping me. I also need to stop thinking about what she is doing right now and what she might be saying about me.

 

Ill keep on tracking on

pratik Member

pratik

Posted
Posted

do not send the letter go nc she might find happiness for this time but eventually she will realise her fault its short term and by that you would have moved on. Trust me if you make an effort each day you feel stronger i went through your phase and just wake up thinking of her and then push it away and im fine all day. You would do great too. Just work on yourself its high time you do it. Think of yourself.

 

 

i read this great and such a true quote on of my friends pasted it on FB it said,

 

Some people get so much love even after hurting so much, whereas some love so much end up getting hurt. its true i agree to it.

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jond77 Member

jond77

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No worries, I definitely wont send the letter! First thing first is I need to smarten my act up at work otherwise I might lose my job. Its totally stuffed up other aspects of my life.

 

I also need to get some stuff back to her, and get stuff back from her. My brother is gonna do it so I can stick to NC. Does that sound reasonable?

bigsby2010 Member

bigsby2010

Posted
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yes it does sound reasonable

GrayClouds Established Member

GrayClouds

Posted
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No worries, I definitely wont send the letter! First thing first is I need to smarten my act up at work otherwise I might lose my job. Its totally stuffed up other aspects of my life.

 

I also need to get some stuff back to her, and get stuff back from her. My brother is gonna do it so I can stick to NC. Does that sound reasonable?

 

Great idea, she moving on and now you have to. Read the following for the game plan to do so:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

The only closure you get is the one you make for yourself.

  • Author
jond77 Member

jond77

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Great idea, she moving on and now you have to. Read the following for the game plan to do so:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

The only closure you get is the one you make for yourself.

 

I am having a bad day today. I feel I have no friends who I can do anything with and I am very bored. It is compounding the depression and loneliness

GrayClouds Established Member

GrayClouds

Posted
Posted

There will be those days and that is where is dumb board can come in handy. Keep posting if you can not find anything else to do.

 

Though there are things to do:

 

 

  • Go for a 10 mile walk.
  • Go pick up the book Journey from Amendment to Healing and go to the coffee shop to read it.
  • Figure out a something you always want to try and sign up for it; skydiving, mountain biking class, guitar lessons, cooking class.

Then comeback here tonight and let us know how it went.

  • Author
jond77 Member

jond77

Posted
  • Author
Posted
There will be those days and that is where is dumb board can come in handy. Keep posting if you can not find anything else to do.

 

Though there are things to do:

 

 

  • Go for a 10 mile walk.
  • Go pick up the book Journey from Amendment to Healing and go to the coffee shop to read it.
  • Figure out a something you always want to try and sign up for it; skydiving, mountain biking class, guitar lessons, cooking class.

Then comeback here tonight and let us know how it went.

 

Ok, so I didn't do what you suggested but I visited my Dad and cleaned his gutters. Then I organised my brother to drop my ex's stuff back at her house. I feel a little better. But I have so many regrets etc. Anyway I have decided I don't like my career and I want to change so i am deciding that I will try and focus on that while this is in limbo.

whatadeer26 Established Member

whatadeer26

Posted
Posted

That's great to hear. You need to do things for yourself now. What has helped me a lot was rearrange my room and write my feelings down. Whether it be through this site or a piece of paper. It help lift that weight off my chest I felt. It has been 2 weeks for me and I am begining to feel better.

 

Keep it up and move on. Good luck with your job search

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jond77 Member

jond77

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She keeps contacting me regarding stuff I have left there. She is polite about it but I really do not want to get the stuff back because of the memories it will stir up. Also she said in one of the emails that she is glad there are no ill feelings.

 

Thing is there are. I am quite angry at the position I have been left in. I have no home no car no possessions and am in debt due to the relationship. But I said I wasn't angry, I didn't want her feeling that I was wallowing, even tho I am a bit.

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