LoveTruthChaos Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I guess I came to a realisation today. First of all, a bit of back story... My ex left me almost 3 months ago for another girl, we were in an LDR (he's American, I'm Australian), but that shouldn't make a difference. He cheated on me, and that's unforgivable, no matter the distance. Anyway, that's a VERY long story cut short. What I've discovered today is that I'm a very territorial person. I feel like I'm starting to leave an anger stage (my 3rd stage of anger in this thing called 'healing')...but, I feel that I'm very upset still because...well, it feels like something has been STOLEN from me. Something that was mine has been ripped away from me. And then I feel bad for saying that, because he doesn't BELONG to me, and nor did I belong to him. Has anyone ever felt like this after being cheated on? Is this a valid feeling? Sometimes when I think too much, the way I'm reacting over this just doesn't seem like me. But...I'm territorial now, after he's gone. When I'm in a relationship, I'm very very laid back, and not the jealous type. I don't believe in anything like open relationships or swinging, but I need to do my own thing in a relationship, be my own person, and I don't smother my partner and I understand if they need the same. So I don't quite get this 'territorial' thing :S Thoughts?
GrayClouds Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 (he's American, I'm Australian), but that shouldn't make a difference. Thoughts? All those Americans are bastards with their sense of entitlement , it make a big difference. They go off to these far off lands, plunder the natural resource, abuse the natives and then move on. Only good thing about them is they suck at soccer. The territorial part is just you understanding you been wrong, and while it is not him that was taking away,but feel like your trust that was. It good to be angry about that, though remember this is about his weaknesses not your worth, It is good to feel it, but do hold on to it. .
Author LoveTruthChaos Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 All those Americans are bastards with their sense of entitlement , it make a big difference. They go off to these far off lands, plunder the natural resource, abuse the natives and then move on. It was me that travelled there, so I guess i 'plundered the natives' LOL Thank you GreyClouds. But it feels like this other girl has stolen him from me, and yet, on the other hand, she can have him. You know, those silly imaginary scenarios you think of - when we were together (he's a committment-o-phobe), I thought that if he ever proposed to me (of course, he wouldn't), I honestly wouldn't have known how to tell him "no" So I never wanted him for life, but the betrayal is just UGH. Why was my happiness sacrificed for the sake of this other girls'? *sigh* I should take the high road and say 'If you love them set them free'. But I don't think I ever loved him. So why do I care? Maybe I'm just a narcissist that cares only about myself. But I do care about him a lot. I just recognise that that's not love.
BeagleGal Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 LTC: I feel the exact same way. When my ex dumped me 3 months ago, and I found out later that it was b/c he had cheated, got the girl preg and now getting married end of July, I definitely felt like something was stolen from me. How DARE this tramp take my man? That was my thought. Then, as a bit of time went on and I gained more and more "realness" of the situation, I was like - what the hell am I jealous over? That this OW is now going to have to deal with a lying, cheat now? That she got pregnant in a fake relationship with a liar? It took a while for feelings of jealousy to diminish and even now, I still get a bit jealous for sure. But lets face it. Our ex's are cheats. They would have done this to us eventually. And they'll keep on doing it. If there new gals think they'll be treated differently, well, that's too bad b/c they won't. My ex had already started contacting me again last month surely behind the OW's back so it didn't take him long, the prick. The way my ex betrayed me is unforgivable. To decieve me for months and to then in the end, treat me like I was the bad guy is vile. He's an *******. And the OW is a bitch. So they deserve each other and when karma kicks them in the ass for their behavior, I'll just sit back with a bag of chips and watch the whole thing go down, sorta speak. But I totally understand how you feel. I think its normal. What do I know what normal is anyway?
GrayClouds Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 It was me that travelled there, so I guess i 'plundered the natives' LOL Thank you GreyClouds. But it feels like this other girl has stolen him from me, and yet, on the other hand, she can have him. You know, those silly imaginary scenarios you think of - when we were together (he's a committment-o-phobe), I thought that if he ever proposed to me (of course, he wouldn't), I honestly wouldn't have known how to tell him "no" So I never wanted him for life, but the betrayal is just UGH. Why was my happiness sacrificed for the sake of this other girls'? *sigh* I should take the high road and say 'If you love them set them free'. But I don't think I ever loved him. So why do I care? Maybe I'm just a narcissist that cares only about myself. But I do care about him a lot. I just recognise that that's not love. You anger is misplaced, you would rather project your hurt at the girl then at the person who betrayed your trust. (But if it is any consolation she now with some untrustworthy guy who is likely going to do the same to her). And maybe your a bit angry with yourself, you got hurt from some guy that deep down inside you were trying to hold yourself back so you wouldn't. That could be one of the lesson learn, you love deeply and unless they are the type you " to whom you want for the rest of your life", it may be better not to get involved, it is not worth the grief. After some healing maybe it is time to take a real risk and find person you can committee to 100%. And if I was to go one step further, I suspect you do not even miss "him" that much. It is more about not wanting to be alone. You may want to check our the books: Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Another is She Scared, He's Scared. They both may help you not only move on but get what you really want. Other words a little less chaos through a little more true for a great deal more love.
Author LoveTruthChaos Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Thank you Beagle and Greyclouds ) Both your responses make me feel a bit better! GC, you hit the nail on the head with my anger being misplaced. Yeah - I know I should be angry at my ex and not her, but then again, I think she'd been trying to steal him away even while we were together so I'm not sure...and I'll never know the true answer to that, unfortunately. I feel that love is the only language that I was born to understand, and yet, because of being hurt in the past before my ex (not even in relationships, these were crushes), I feel that I'm not allowed to express what I really feel. I expressed myself to my ex, but I guess I was holding back a little bit. I do believe that men should always make the first move, and when sometimes he didn't, I certainly didn't show him how I felt either. I should just not let the past get to me! But then again...if I had've shown him the love I felt, I would be more hurt now, so in a way I'm glad that I didn't. You're right tho - unless I'm with the person that I want to marry/be with forever, I won't show my true feelings in order to safeguard my heart. So far, it's working. But you were wrong about something GC...I'm not bothered about being alone. I'm very independant, and I live very happily in my own company. If I need someone to keep me warm at night, I sleep with a hot water bottle. In all honesty - my ex was the one with loneliness issues. Men just get in the way of my future plans I'll check out the books tho, thanks!
GrayClouds Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I'll check out the books tho, thanks! They will help. If you hold yourself back how can you expect someone else to give you your all? How do they suppose to know if you are the one for them if they do not see the whole you? Your trying to protect yourself from hurt, but its not working. Do you know anything about passive commitment phoebes?
Author LoveTruthChaos Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 What's a passive committment o-phobe? (oh dear...is it me? LOL) I think I showed him about 80% of me. There were external stresses that contributed to not showing him 100% of me, but that's another story. I wanted to be completely myself, but our situation was a bit difficult (we worked at a summer camp surrounded by 300 people and one of my direct co-workers was making my life hell, so I was stressed a lot of the time). Next time, I hope I can show someone 100%, with no external nasty factors involved!
GrayClouds Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Next time, I hope I can show someone 100%, with no external nasty factors involved! So stop hoping and start doing something to make sure you will. This is what you should do with your time right now. Really work to understand what is holding you back, why if you even give 100% you do no feel like you could handle a rejection. I will be interested if the books offer any help.
Recommended Posts