jaxguy Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Hey guys some of you may remember me I wrote a post on here about a week ago about my gf (or ex gf - whatever). Anyway, just some very confusing twists took place over the weekend leaving me very perplexed. Just a run down real quick, my gf decided we should take a break so she could deal with some things in her life and in the meanwhile wanted to go on casual dates with other guys before committing to a long term relationship with me. I think what started this was she has known for a while that I have a ring and I have been waiting to propose to her at the right time (thanks to a friend who cannot keep secrets). Anyway, she claims that she wants to be single but whenever I make plans to spend time with my two boys (one which is ours) she wants to go too. This past weekend was no exception when I planned a Saturday trip to the zoo she wanted to go and we made a day of it and had a great time. In fact, she invited me to stay the weekend at her house and we watched movies and it turned out really well. However, on Sunday we ended up discussing our relationship before bed and she still insists on being single and wants to go on dates with other guys but doesn't want a relationship with them (she just wants to go and hang out). She told me that this is something that she has to do and has to "get out of her system" before she can be with me long term and that she pretty much promised that we will get back together but when that would happen is unknown. Now July 4th is quickly approaching and I have again made plans with my boys and she wants to come and hang out again and have me over to hang out. I don't know what to think about it at all and some mutual friends of ours says that this is a phase she is going thru and to not worry but they think if I play this right that she will come back and rather soon. I thought there may be another guy that she was interested in but our mutual friends along with her family with whom I am close with says thats not true. Matter of fact, she actually turned down a guy who asked her out. I am not sure what to think of this situation. I feel that I am a great guy and wanted to use this time to focus on my boys and did not feel that I needed to date around while she did the same. However, it seems like whenever I make plans she wants to come too and not only that she wants me to hang out like "old times" but then turns around and says I am not allowing her to be single. I am confused and wonder what I should do.
GrayClouds Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 At best she does not know what she wants, at worst she is using you as the back up plan . either way until she has decided 100% you, work to move on. So you want a second chance?
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I agree with GrayClouds. Can you at least talk to her and tell her how you feel about this? If she has the freedom to date other people, you do too. See how she reacts to that. If I wanted freedom for a short while, I would also accept the fact that my SO would get the same sort of freedom. If she wants only freedom for herself while you aren't allowed to date other people, I'd call that being selfish. I don't know. I know you talk, but there doesn't seem to be real 'communication' going on here.
cavedweller Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 jaxguy, Her interest level in you has faded..She is looking for someone to replace you..Soon you will be history...
GrayClouds Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I agree with GrayClouds. Can you at least talk to her and tell her how you feel about this? There is no reason to talk, her action will speak louder, if she show up and committee to making the relationship work great, any action less then that says she moving on, no matter what words she uses.
Author jaxguy Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 The communication is fine and we talk all the time without arguing. She says this is something she has to get out of her system. To shed more light on this story I guess I must say that when we first started dating we broke up because she was mad that I had a friend who was a girl that was messaging me on myspace. She broke it off with me and one night when I was out the girl that was interested in me made a move and kissed me. After the incident I no longer talked to the girl that was interested and when my gf and I worked it out I came forward and told her the truth. She got angry and accused me of cheating. It is this event that she says that she cannot get over and is driving her to do this. That was almost 5 years ago and we have since had a son. She talks about our future as if it will definitely happen but still insists on doing this. What should I do about it?
GrayClouds Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 The communication is fine and we talk all the time without arguing. She says this is something she has to get out of her system. To shed more light on this story I guess I must say that when we first started dating we broke up because she was mad that I had a friend who was a girl that was messaging me on myspace. She broke it off with me and one night when I was out the girl that was interested in me made a move and kissed me. After the incident I no longer talked to the girl that was interested and when my gf and I worked it out I came forward and told her the truth. She got angry and accused me of cheating. It is this event that she says that she cannot get over and is driving her to do this. That was almost 5 years ago and we have since had a son. She talks about our future as if it will definitely happen but still insists on doing this. What should I do about it? Unless there is still more your holding back and you have not givien her any other reason not to trust you, she is using that as an excuse to make you feel bad for her choices. She trusted you enough to have a child with but now, not? Something does not smell right. I suspect she already has her eye, if not already some other body part, on someone. She is trying to make you the bad guy to release her guilt and keep you on the hook if the grass is not greener on the other side. It time for tuff love, tell her to crap or get off the pot. She committee to the relationship or not. The more you try to be a nice guy and be understanding the more your going to get hurt. Time to take care of you and your child. Go LC keep any conversations about the child, nothing personal, and work on healing and making a great life for you and your son.
Author jaxguy Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 I agree with you Grey Clouds and honestly this is what I have been doing. However, anytime I make plans for me and my two boys she wants to come along. Because I am a nice guy her family and friends really like me and I have not had to do much asking in order to get information on the situation. I do know that there is no other guy that she is interested in. The only thing that I have been told is that this is just a phase that she is going through and both family and friends have told me that I should wait it out because she will get over it soon. I guess I don't really understand what it is that she has to get out of system and why she has to go about doing it this way. You women are a strange bunch!
GrayClouds Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I agree with you Grey Clouds and honestly this is what I have been doing. However, anytime I make plans for me and my two boys she wants to come along. Because I am a nice guy her family and friends really like me and I have not had to do much asking in order to get information on the situation. I do know that there is no other guy that she is interested in. The only thing that I have been told is that this is just a phase that she is going through and both family and friends have told me that I should wait it out because she will get over it soon. I guess I don't really understand what it is that she has to get out of system and why she has to go about doing it this way. You women are a strange bunch! Sorry to say but you do not know. Time stop being a nice guy, she expect you to wait around while she gets it out of her system. Get what out of her system? Growing as a person, finding herself, figuring out what she wants out of life? BS she can do all that and still be with her family. She playing you as a fool. Honestly what can't she get out of her system and still be committed? Dollars to doughnuts, is a guy. When you make plans, tell her no, that you respect her choose to be on her own, but a consequence of her choices is no more group outings. Yes it sucks for the children but she is doing that not you.
Author jaxguy Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Well me and the ex-gf had a talk last night and she told me that she is stuck and scared to make a choice about our situation. She told me that no matter what she feels that she is screwed. She said that if she stays she doesn't know that she would be happy or ever let go of things that happened in our relationship. However, if she goes out and dates other people she feels that she may end up falling for someone else while I am sitting there waiting for her or that if she just dated other guys that I would totally let go of her for good and there would be no coming back because I wouldn't allow it. She told me that is what scares her the most. She said her ideal situation would be that she goes out on a few dates with guys that she doesn't like and that in the course of this situation she would miss me and forget about the things in our past and finally let go of all the hurt. She said thats what she wants to happen. She told me that she really loves me but there are some things in our past that have forced her to put up walls towards me and thats why we cant be together right now. I really do not know how to approach this situation because I would like to give up but not totally give up.
GrayClouds Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Well me and the ex-gf had a talk last night and she told me that she is stuck and scared to make a choice about our situation. She told me that no matter what she feels that she is screwed. She said that if she stays she doesn't know that she would be happy or ever let go of things that happened in our relationship. However, if she goes out and dates other people she feels that she may end up falling for someone else while I am sitting there waiting for her or that if she just dated other guys that I would totally let go of her for good and there would be no coming back because I wouldn't allow it. She told me that is what scares her the most. She said her ideal situation would be that she goes out on a few dates with guys that she doesn't like and that in the course of this situation she would miss me and forget about the things in our past and finally let go of all the hurt. She said thats what she wants to happen. She told me that she really loves me but there are some things in our past that have forced her to put up walls towards me and thats why we cant be together right now. I really do not know how to approach this situation because I would like to give up but not totally give up. So what she just told you she is screwed if she was to stay with you. READ THAT AGAIN. All the other stuff is just breadcrumbs. You do not want to be with someone who feels that way to be in a relationship with you, and even if she tries to say now she knows differently it always be in he back to your mind. I am sorry, but this relationship is over. The best thing for you to do is handle it with courage and as much pride as you can muster at this point and walk away. Go NC completely, do not let her mess with your head any more, and start working on building yourself. I am really sorry for your loss, but their is a girl out there even better who has no doubts about being with you. .
Author jaxguy Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Saying that she was screwed were not her exact words that was the way that I put it. She just said that she is scared to make a choice on what to do with this situation (thats really all she said). If she stayed with me now that she doesnt know if she would be happy because she hasnt dealt with some things that have bothered her in our relationship. She actually broke down and cried when she mentioned the possibility that if she dated other guys that I would cut her loose for good. I really didn't understand that because if you break up with someone then why would you be worried that they would cut you loose for good? She told me that she wants to miss me so I guess I will go NC although that is really hard because of our son we see each other each day because I am the one that watches him during the day in the summer.
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