YellowShark Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Well it's been 4 weeks of NC because I caught the "love of my life" and a MM, (now-ex-friend-of-mine), alone kissing on our deck at 3:30am. Quite a blow. We are not married, but have been together for seven years. Both in our mid 40s. I walked right out and told her it was over, and told him to get the four-letter-word off my deck. I looked her in the eyes and asked her "Did I just see what I just saw," and she buried her face in her hands and said "yes." What could she say? I just caught them red-handed. Four days later I was gone.. she can have the place, (we were renting), and MM, (now-ex-friend), lives across the street, WITH his 7-month PREGNANT wife! I'd rather not look at either of them ever again and simply move on. So ya, just to clarify.. he's married, lives across the street with a pregnant wife, and supposedly "a friend of mine." We socialized often, (in fact we were at a dinner party at his place the night I busted them on our deck.) I even helped him out with his work occasionally. So the "love of my life" is having an affair with him. How Jerry Springer of them both. Yet after four weeks of NC I'm thinking maybe I was blinded by love.. or was it just lust? Should I have ended it sooner? I don't know. Guess that is why I am posting here, to gain new insight from others ... or have others gain insight from my experience. Here's the story. I met her 8 years ago. Beautiful statuesque blonde, polite, courteous, intelligent, funny. I was smitten. We fell in love and moved in together after about a year dating. She had just been given a nice package from a large telecom company so our first year living together was like a honeymoon. I came home from work everyday and she always had dinner ready. We laughed, ran barefoot on the beach, the whole deal. At this time she had a 16-year-old girl from a previous marriage, and I had an eight year old boy. It's now year two.. and reality begins to sink in, it was time for her to return to work. I was always working and she decided she can only putter around the house for so long. Life was still great, we got along famously, sex was over the moon. So she started a little jewellery business, made the pieces herself at home, and it was doing ok. She was very talented. It was about year 3 that the cracks started to appear. Thats when the collection agencies start calling about her credit cards. She brushed it off as bad management and I helped her through it. I had confidence that she was able to handle her cards before she met me, and therefore she knew how to handle them now. She just messed up. Boy was I wrong. Year four begins and the "love of my life" has been through two jobs since she decided to go back to work. The jewellery biz failed and a second job ended because it "wasn't a good fit." She began searching for job number 3, and by now her generous telecom package is all but spent. So I am floating both of us, which is no problem, because she'll be working soon. Then she tells me she owes the bank $2400.00 in overdraft and she cant find anything in her field so she wants to start her own business again. Once again she is the "love of my life" and I want her to be happy, I'm her wing-man, so we work out a payment plan with the bank, and then I help her set up shop as a Professional Organizer. Year four goes by and then year five begins, and I've noticed she has taken to drinking a bottle of wine a night. We often had a drink after work while we sat on the deck together, and debriefed each other about our days. So a couple glasses of wine for her wasn't odd. But now I'm noticing a fresh empty bottle in the recycle bin almost every morning. I talk to her about it several times, and we finally agree she is drinking too much and needs to cut back. Which she does. Then one day I knock over a small stand in the bedroom and about 20 small empty vodka bottles tumble out of it. I am dumbfounded. I collect them up and line them across the kitchen counter. The "love of my life" comes home and her face goes white as a ghost. I ask her if there's something she want's to tell me. We agree that she obviously has a drinking problem and has replaced vodka for wine. So she goes to AA. I even go with her for several meetings throughout year five. By now her Professional Organizer business is failing due to the booze and recovery and she figures that maybe she should head back into the corporate world and just do something while she recovers. She reaches out to old contacts from the telecom days for leads. (One of which is an old office romance...but we're not there yet.) A mutual friend tells her about a mat-leave at a really good company.. so the "love of my life" jumps on it. The "love of my life" goes to work at the good company.... [and eventually begins an EA with the old office romance (MM) from the telecom days.] I discovered it when I sat down at the computer one day and cut and pasted.. and when I pasted it read: "Can't wait to see you next thursday, don't get cold feet. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox. Love of my Life.." That's was from the "love of my life" to old office romance (MM). But I didn't know that at this point in time. I just knew it WASN'T to me. I was crushed. I felt so betrayed. It's like the elevator your in just dropped down a shaft. Everything seemed so good on the surface. Sure we had our ups and downs as a couple but I never had any warning signs she was stepping out. There was still romance, not as much as year one or two certainly, but it was still fun to be together. Sex was still great. She wasn't drinking, the good company turned out to be a good company. And now BAM! this EA. I confronted the "love of my life" yet again. Showed her what I just pasted onto my Word document and said "What the @$#%?!" It took some time to get it out of her but she finally told me about this guy she had an office romance with while she was breaking up with her husband. So we went to therapy. No questions asked. I was furious, and felt so betrayed, and used. After several sessions we now knew the ground rules, we agree it was just a hickup and I forgive but not forget. Then a week later she has an "anxiety attack" at work, and checks herself into a hospital for a day. Five doctors see her and a week later they tell us she has bipolar disorder. Now the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Unrealistic plans, can't hold a job, spending sprees, sexual affairs, self-medicating with alcohol, sleep issues, denying anything is wrong. She's BiPolar. She leaves the good company early, gets meds from a psychiatrist, and is at home. A few days a week she works part time in a clothes store but she has started drinking again. It's now fall 2009 and we now argue often that she is drinking on her meds, and procrastinating on booking appointments to see her shrink. It is at this point that a friend informs me that MM, (now-ex-friend-of-mine,) and the "love of my life" may have a sexting thing going on. I dismiss it but ask the "love of my life," she says sure they text, but nothing sexual. I dismiss it. He's a good friend, his wife is pregnant... there's no way. That's when I catch the "love of my life" and a MM, (now-ex-friend-of-mine), alone kissing on our deck at 3:30am. [sEE TOP OF POST] After she buries her face in her hands and said "yes" I storm back inside. Her phone is sitting there. I open it, hit messages and see MM, (now-ex-friend-of-mine)'s name. The text reads: "I'm rock-hard for you." I immediately text his pregnant wife with my phone and tell her we have to talk. She comes over the next morning and I tell her that I caught them red-handed. She says she'll go home and talk to her husband and that is the last I've ever heard from them. And now it's all over. Totally heartbroken. Betrayed by a good friend, and the "love of my life." Probably the worst pain I've ever had to endure. Two people I CARED FOR GREATLY. I told her as we walked out of the bank when we closed the joint account, "I'm not breaking up because your BiPolar, you know right from wrong, I'm breaking up with you because you've repeatedly betrayed me AND you're now actually having an affair with a married man who's wife is pregnant! And that is just sick." She tried to hug me, but I stepped back and walked away. Haven't spoken, texted or emailed since. Deleted her off everything. Still think about her every day, miss how she feels, how she smells, her laugh. The bed at the new place is empty without her. I know it's gonna take time, I know I don't want her back - that it is really over. That she is really sick and lost. I know she has to deal with her own demons before she can even think about being in a relationship. But it still hurts to lose the one you loved so much, and see her used for sex by MM. Talked with the only neighbours who seem to be on my side and their cover story is I was mistaken, I always had a problem with jealousy, and she says "it wasn't gonna work out between us anyways." After all I did for her that's a real kick in the teeth... But then again, I think she's right! Lately the "love of my life" is over at MM, (now-ex-friend-of-mine)'s place BBQing and carrying on with the social group like I never existed. Like nothing ever happened. A few of whom that I considered friends haven't called me at all. Funny how that works. Guess they aren't really friends. And yes, the "love of my life" is still drinking on her meds. So? Was I blinded by love? If you were me what would you have done? Should I have ended this relationship much sooner? (In hindsight I see now that she repeatedly betrayed me and only admitted guilt - (financial, drinking, affairs) - AFTER she was caught. That's something I rationalized away repeatedly, a lesson learned.) Well thanks for listening... feels good to get it down on paper... so to speak
GrayClouds Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Does not matter, she is not the type of person you want into your life. It is time to focus on yourself and allow some healing. The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance?
gogarth Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 YellowShark, I dated a man once, whose mother was bipolar. She had repeated affairs throughout her marriage, and was on and off meds her entire life. The father stood by her, but the experience exacted a terrible toll on my ex. He was a life-long commitment-phobe and was never able to trust women. I also suspected he was probably mildly bipolar - he went through periods of "mania" followed by depression. When he was manic, he'd drink excessively and spend money compulsively. When he finally crashed, he'd be depressed and angry with himself. And yes, he eventually cheated. It took me a while to connect the dots, but when I did, I read up all about bipolar disorder. I realized that I couldn't help him, and he didn't want my help anyway. You see, he likes the manic side of him, because he feels invincible and happy, even if the feelings are short-lived. Our relationship ended abruptly when I caught him cheating. Even though it was shocking and hurtful at the time, I'm glad it happened, because it allowed me to cut him off completely. It's been many years, and I still hear things here and there about him from mutual friends. And you guessed it...he has not changed...he's still unable to commit to a long term relationship and is on the verge of bankruptcy. My point for sharing all of this is to say that, even though it seems like your world is ending, catching her is the best thing that has happened to you. It finally forces you to see things the way they are. It's no use blaming yourself for not seeing it sooner. We all see what we want to see when we're in love, and we tend to ignore the bad signs...that's what makes falling in love so much fun. Take care.
JacquesA.LeFrancais Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 "After she buries her face in her hands and said "yes" I storm back inside. Her phone is sitting there. I open it, hit messages and see MM, (now-ex-friend-of-mine)'s name. The text reads: "I'm rock-hard for you." " Merde!!!! Saying that right after you caught them? Ballsy...to say the least. It's amazing how someone you support and put your heart into, sacrifice for and love will just forget you in an instant. The only thing I can say to you is, be happy you weren't married, because that could have made the situation slightly worse. You were able to get out, and even if you are looking over your shoulder to look back, you arne't stuck with this person for the rest of your life because of a child or something. One more thing No one stays in a relationship for 5 years and then declares "It was going to work out anyway", you have been used. Learn from it and grow my friend
Author YellowShark Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 (edited) Does not matter, she is not the type of person you want into your life. It is time to focus on yourself and allow some healing. Thanks Gray. I agree. Upon reflection she IS NOT the type of person that is healthy for me to be with. She was in my life, I did everything I could for her and she still screwed me over to fool around with a MM with a pregnant wife! And that's a deal breaker if there ever was one. Thanks for the support. I read up all about bipolar disorder. I realized that I couldn't help him, and he didn't want my help anyway. That's what I have come to conclude. No matter how much I tried to help her ultimately if she is unwilling to help herself then we are screwed as a couple. And you guessed it...he has not changed...he's still unable to commit to a long term relationship and is on the verge of bankruptcy. That's where she is now. She owes 30K to the government from her businesses and other tax screw ups she hid from me. I have been working with her for almost six months to confront this issue, and she really has no recourse but to declare bankruptcy now. With her looks though I am sure she shall hook another sucker to bail her out of this problem. That's her secret weapon, incredibly good looks. My point for sharing all of this is to say that, even though it seems like your world is ending, catching her is the best thing that has happened to you. It finally forces you to see things the way they are. It's no use blaming yourself for not seeing it sooner. We all see what we want to see when we're in love, and we tend to ignore the bad signs...that's what makes falling in love so much fun. Take care. Thanks for the support as well gogarth. I agree again. Catching her is the best thing that has happened to me. (Eventhough it has nearly destroyed me emotionally! ) Merde!!!! Saying that right after you caught them? Ballsy...to say the least. It's amazing how someone you support and put your heart into, sacrifice for and love will just forget you in an instant. Yup. It only proves that she is so selfish and narcissistic that not even a 7-year relationship AND a pregnant wife will stop her. And that's definitely not the woman I fell in love with 7 years ago. No one stays in a relationship for 5 years and then declares "It was going to work out anyway", you have been used. Learn from it and grow my friend Agreed. It's her twisted internal rationalization to defend what is indefensible - her affair. I was used, I was her safety net, and now she is on her own. The part that really makes me cringe is she and MM, (now-ex-friend-of-mine), are carrying on like nothing ever happened. Seems remorse and guilt are not in their playbooks. She's even HOSTING the baby shower for the pregnant wife at our old place very soon. How "F"ed up is that? (Sadly the pregnant wife is buying the "it never happened" cover story. Even after I spoke with her face to face the day after I caught them on my deck) Once again thanks for the support Jacques, I know it will take time, I am really heartbroken and sad, but intellectually I know that my life will be better without her baggage, manipulations, and deceit. Sadly the thought just doesn't comfort me that much right now! LOL! ETA I heard a good metaphor... living with her was like pushing a 250lb man across a beach in a wheelchair.. and I just can't push that wheelchair through the sand anymore... Edited July 1, 2010 by YellowShark
GrayClouds Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 Question is why you felt you need to work so hard to get her love. I suspect you a good guy that would have done anything to help her. And in the back of your head you just knew she was going to realize how much you did for her. Doing all this made you feel good, feel needed, gave you purpose. Am I close?
Author YellowShark Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 (edited) Question is why you felt you need to work so hard to get her love. Sad part is I had her love, until she started to go off the rails in year five. She was definitely "the one." When we initially met we just clicked right away. Even on the very first date. The chemistry was amazing. Our inside joke was we both passed the "chemistry test" on the very first date. Often during the years she would say something, or I would say something, that we were both thinking. It was uncanny. I suspect you a good guy that would have done anything to help her. I was good to her, and did do anything for her. After all she was my "wing-man," I wanted her to be happy. I stuck with her through AA, financial trouble, BiPolar disorder, affairs.... but the third - and final - affair was simply the deal breaker. I realize now that once the BiPolar illness and booze got a hold of her she changed. Now she is not the same person who I fell in love with. She is un-cooperative, narcissistic, unwilling to stop drinking while taking her meds... and as I have come to learn with people who have BiPolar disorder - "refusing to admit there is even a problem." But none of that is an excuse. She's not psychotic, and people who drink, or have BiPolar disorder STILL know right from wrong. She's simply gone down a path that I refuse to follow anymore. And it breaks my heart to no end. And in the back of your head you just knew she was going to realize how much you did for her. Doing all this made you feel good, feel needed, gave you purpose. Am I close? It definitely gave me purpose to see her happy and successful. Other things in my life give me purpose as well, but seeing her happy was definitely one of them. I have a feeling now she doesn't care at all what I did for her, it's not even on her radar. Maybe she will remember one day, but by that time it'll be far too late and I'll never know... Edited July 1, 2010 by YellowShark spelling
GrayClouds Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 Look back and see how I was asking a question about you and how much you answered it about her. It is understand able, it all is fresh. The challenge for you now is to shift your focus to you and to take all the effort you use to make her life better and do the same for you.
Author YellowShark Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 Look back and see how I was asking a question about you and how much you answered it about her. It is understand able, it all is fresh. So true. Hoisted on my own petard! The challenge for you now is to shift your focus to you and to take all the effort you use to make her life better and do the same for you. Absolutely. I know you are right. After 7 years of caring for someone through thick and thin, and in sickness and health, I am having trouble focusing on me. Since it's only been 5 weeks since I caught them I guess I just need time to turn the ship around.
GrayClouds Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 So true. Hoisted on my own petard! Absolutely. I know you are right. After 7 years of caring for someone through thick and thin, and in sickness and health, I am having trouble focusing on me. Since it's only been 5 weeks since I caught them I guess I just need time to turn the ship around. A couple books may help. Journey from Abandonment to Healing has some good information and some exercises that may seem silly but can be very helpful with think about yourself. No More Mr Nice Guy can help give you a change of perspective, take it with a grain of salt but still good info. It gets better, little time and hard work helps a great deal.
Author YellowShark Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 A couple books may help. Journey from Abandonment to Healing has some good information and some exercises that may seem silly but can be very helpful... Is one of these exercises taking a baseball bat to my ex-friend and pouring black dye all over my EX's haute couture collection? I think I could easily participate in that! No More Mr Nice Guy can help give you a change of perspective, take it with a grain of salt but still good info. It gets better, little time and hard work helps a great deal. Once again thanks for the help and support Gray. I should qualify and say I am no pushover, nor did I smother her to death like a desperate puppy dog, but I WAS there for her through so much drama.. and that's the part I am having trouble wrapping my head around. That she tossed it all out the window, and just doesn't seems to give a **** anymore.
GrayClouds Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 (edited) Is one of these exercises taking a baseball bat to my ex-friend and pouring black dye all over my EX's haute couture collection? I think I could easily participate in that! Once again thanks for the help and support Gray. I should qualify and say I am no pushover, nor did I smother her to death like a desperate puppy dog, but I WAS there for her through so much drama.. and that's the part I am having trouble wrapping my head around. That she tossed it all out the window, and just doesn't seems to give a **** anymore. I never suspect you to be a pushover. Just a guy who tries really hard to do the right thing. So why did you stay around for so much of that drama, what was the in it for you? . . Edited July 1, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author YellowShark Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 I never suspect you to be a pushover. Just a guy who tries really hard to do the right thing. Definitely. Perhaps too much. So why did you stay around for so much of that drama, what was the in it for you? Hmmmm. Good question. Processing. I stayed around for so long because I loved her. That is what was in it for me. Love and companionship with a woman I really clicked with, and was proud to have on my arm. I certainly wasn't going to bail over money issues, (those can be fixed,) I wasn't going to bail on her because she had that first EA, (we are all human and make mistakes,) and I wasn't going to bail on her because she was diagnosed with BiPolar disorder, (that would be like dumping someone who has been diagnosed with muscular dystrophy.) And I even went with her to AA so I could help her recover. The straws that broke the camel's back was her refusal to see she now has a serious drinking problem.. again, and that her affair with a MM who's wife is pregnant crosses so many social and moral barriers. Those two were simply deal breakers for me. My love has limits, and she's gone so far off the reservation this time that those limits have been reached. Thats the really heartbreaking part.
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