emilyfire Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I developed an intense friendship with a guy online about 1.5 years ago...it progressed into something pretty intense for both of us and we spent the first 5 months falling for each other hard. Then he freaked out because of the distance thing and said it was just too painful and hard to do what we were doing when we never knew if or when we'd ever really meet...tho this had been broached a few times. So i was planning to just leave the forum we both share because i was completely heartbroken, he wanted to stay friends. And for the past year or more we have managed to do that...daily talks and a lot of feeling for each other. Unfortunately, when he pulled the plug on 'us' i found it very difficult not to get jealous when he seemed flirtatious with others online...it bothered me a lot, mainly because it used to be me that got flirted with. He claims he doesn't flirt at all, he's just joking around. Anyway, long story short...my stupid jealousies drove him nuts and he said he doesn't want to talk any more! We've known each other for 2 years and spoken almost daily the whole time. Needless to say i'm completely heartbroken. He told a friend of mine that he didn't want to do this and it was hurting him too but that he just couldn't take the stress of our intense friendship. I miss him so much...what do you advise i do? I've mainly been staying away from the forum completely so far. I lost my best friend.
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I don't think what you have is truly a 'friendship', because you get jealous when he flirts with other girls. Basically, you fall for each other, but he decides it's not worth it because you live so far apart and just wants to be 'friends'. In a way, you need to treat it as a rejection and go NC for a while so that you will be able to heal. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It sucks when you like someone and they don't reciprocate the feeling. You're doing the right thing. Stay away from the forum for a bit and try to get busy doing other things, like catching up with friends and going out. I wish you the best of luck!
Author emilyfire Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 That's what he said, that our 'friendship' feels too much like a relationship because of my jealousy/possessive nature. He said he was hurt that i was only staying friends with him because he thinks i just want more in the future. And this isn't true...i gave up on 'us' long ago and i love being friends with him. I'll never stop caring about him, no matter how much time passes. I totally understand the NC concept, i've said everything i needed to say to him over the past few months. My only fear is that he isn't missing me, although my rational brain knows he must be a little. I was trying to decide what was better after our last argument; being 'around' in the forums as a cheery, normal person or staying completely away. I've pretty much stayed away and whinged in private to friends. I know he likes me a lot, he is just not very enamoured with my behaviour. I'm just so upset, i feel like i failed him you know? All i had to do was knock off the jealous comments *sigh* Thanks for your response, i appreciate it.
StarrySkyBlue Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Don't feel bad, emily. It's completely natural to fall for someone who doesn't want a relationship with you. It's not your fault and you didn't 'fail' him in any way. We just can't control how we feel. However, I think it's a bad idea to hang around the forum and try to be 'friends' with him. It's really bad for your own mental health, and you'll be spending a lot of time reading and rereading his posts and overanalyzing your interactions and driving yourself crazy while trying to limit yourself to the 'friends' boundaries. It doesn't work that way. You'll end up getting more hurt if you hang around. If you want some sort of closure, you can tell him that you like him a lot and since he doesn't want a relationship, you're going off the forum to try to 'move on', and once you do you can return and be friends with him. But, trust me, you need time away from him to heal.
Author emilyfire Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 That's the thing. I don't want a relationship, i just want my damn friendship back, like it was a few weeks ago. Things were fine when i didn't let my jealousy get away from me and say something stupid to him...i just don't know why he won't forgive me when he says he cares about me. What the hell kind of friend cuts off communication cos they're irritated with you? I've never had this happen before and i'm just in shock i think...i like to talk things through and work on problems, i don't just slam the door on them.
aerogurl87 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Emilyfire I kinda know where your coming from. A year ago I met a guy who ended up liking me, said guy asked me out and got turned down until I gave in and decided to become this guy's girlfriend. I screwed up and this guy and I split only to reconcile over and over again for the next 5 months or so, until a final break up occurred. And here we are a year later, after 5 months of NC and almost another 5 months of limited contact, we are still in a friendship limbo. I want my best friend back and he wants, well I don't think he knows what he wants, lol. We still talk but when it gets too hard on him, he pulls away which is fine. Perhaps that's what you need to do. Go NC for awhile and then slowly go to LC. That's what I did and slowly but surely, my best friend is returning to my life although he's now gone away to boot camp so more NC for awhile. If he truly wants you in his life he'll find a way to make you apart of his life and you two will work something out. Good luck.
Author emilyfire Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Yeah, that's kind of what it's like with him...i think we're just too intense, we always have been...we get on so well when things are going great. He instigated this 'hiatus' for my benefit, but to be honest, i think maybe he needed it too? He was showing lots of signs of jealousy as well, though he hates to admit it. I really hope we can work our way back...he did say he'd love to be friends again, but we need some time apart. Still hurts so much though. Anyway, thanks for your input, glad to hear you are slowly working things out too Gives me hope.
Author emilyfire Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Update: we are still not talking like normal again, but we have spoken a bit since i last posted. He says now that he still cares a lot about me 'more than just friends even, sometimes' and this is why he can't be friends with me yet....he claims that some day in the future maybe, but not at the moment. Is this 'caring for me' but not talking to me thing just guyspeak b.s. for get lost for good? He is worth waiting for, to be friends again, but if this is just weeny behaviour and a kiss off, i want to know. I've asked many times about this 'caring' thing and told him if he really wants me to get lost for good he can just say so...but he won't. What say you of this?
aerogurl87 Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Update: we are still not talking like normal again, but we have spoken a bit since i last posted. He says now that he still cares a lot about me 'more than just friends even, sometimes' and this is why he can't be friends with me yet....he claims that some day in the future maybe, but not at the moment. Is this 'caring for me' but not talking to me thing just guyspeak b.s. for get lost for good? He is worth waiting for, to be friends again, but if this is just weeny behaviour and a kiss off, i want to know. I've asked many times about this 'caring' thing and told him if he really wants me to get lost for good he can just say so...but he won't. What say you of this? I think he's being honest with you. He still cares about you but that leads to him liking you which he doesn't want to do since he probably doesn't want to get hurt again. He may never be able to be just friends with you as some people can't just be friends. But if he says he needs time and you're willing to wait because you really value your friendship, then give him time.
Author emilyfire Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Thanks so much for responding. I want to believe that he's being truthful and not just stringing me along, he's never given me reason not to trust him. I will give him all the time he needs, he knows i'm willing to welcome him back in friendship when he's ready. *sigh* I just miss him so much
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