Assertive VS Passive Aggressive

July 3, 2010

Here is a pattern some of you may have experienced:

female: "I noticed something I don't like about the way you live your life."

male: "Well yeah mabey it's not the best way."

female: "Oh good so we agree?"

male: "Yeah."

female: "Great! So here's how you should change. _______. That's how I would do it. Ok?"

male: "Yep. I think you're right."

female: "You're great. I love you."

Time passes. The change doesn't occur.

female: "I thought you said you were going to change this part of your life?"

male: "Yeah well I thought about it..."

female: "And? C'mon! Speak up!

male: "Why are you getting an attitude? Your being too aggressive."

female: "I can't believe you won't change when you know I'm right. You even agreed! OMG PASSIVE AGGREESIVE!"

The guy sneaks off with his tail between his legs, and avoids the situation. The girl storms off, brooding about her bfs passive aggressive refusal to change. The problem is not the bf is passive aggressive, and I'll prove it. Let's assume the guy is not passive aggressive.

female: "I noticed something I don't like about the way you live your life."

male: "Well yeah mabey it's not the best way, but it's my way."

female: "I think you should change."

male: "I'm not changing that part of my life. If you can't accept that, then we should break up."

female: "I'm right about this! RANT RANT! CHANGE!"

male: "No."

Woman goes off and tells everyone and her grandmother about how the guy should change. Guy goes about his daily routine.

woman: "So you don't love me enough to change?"

male: "I love you. I'm not changing."

They either break up, or stay together. But the problem is the same, the guy's refusal to change, not how he refused to change.

This is exactly what has happened to me in the last 6 months with my ex. I wish I understood what your statement at the bottom means... sorry if I'm a bit dim... ! My ex was super PA and Narcissistic.

Oh no, ok - I think I see. However - my ex said both of these things! The 1st one then a few months later the second one. So.....?

Edited July 3, 2010 by wendigo

July 3, 2010

I agree with you on the fact that i'm extremely honest and won't sugar coat things if it's not necessary.

You seem to wear the honesty/assertive tag like it gives you a license to both say what you feel and be indifferent to how others will react to it.

What I disagree with you on, however, is the fact that when someone clearly asks "What do you think?" or, "What is your opinion?" and I state it, they become defensive.

There's a difference between giving an opinion when asked and giving an unsolicited opinion. I'm not convinced that you can tell the difference, or know when you've crossed that line, because your overriding need to be honest and assertive blinds you to most everything else, namely, when to appropriately express these behaviors (mostly when asked for instead of whenever you feel like it) and how said behavior is seen by others.

For example, if someone were to say that they liked purple hats and then asked me my opinion, if I told them that I dislike purple hats because purple is my least favorite color... and then became upset because I didn't agree with them (or didn't favor their opinion), how am I in the wrong for stating my opinion?

In this situation you're not. I can't imagine too many people ever getting bent outta shape in a situation like this, or close to it. That's why I believe that there's a lot more to this than you simply expressing an opinion "only" when asked!

I'm really not understanding this. If someone can please explain how I am in the definite wrong, i'd completely appreciate it and seriously take it into consideration. I have yet to fully understand how speaking my opinion (when asked) is a wrong thing? Aside from being mean or rude (which I most certainly do not intend to do), how am I wrong? Especially when someone becomes so defensive that they refuse to speak to me for days because i'm not in agreement with their opinion?

I think you can start by trying to look a little further than circumstances like this because in this circumstance you are far from wrong, and as long as you keep on looking at things from this perspective only then you never will be. But as alluded to earlier, this is not the only type of circumstance that you operate in nor have problems with.

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July 3, 2010

This is exactly what has happened to me in the last 6 months with my ex. I wish I understood what your statement at the bottom means... sorry if I'm a bit dim... ! My ex was super PA and Narcissistic.

Oh no, ok - I think I see. However - my ex said both of these things! The 1st one then a few months later the second one. So.....?

So you were asking your partner to change, and he/she was being passive aggressive?

July 3, 2010

I agree with you on the fact that i'm extremely honest and won't sugar coat things if it's not necessary.

What I disagree with you on, however, is the fact that when someone clearly asks "What do you think?" or, "What is your opinion?" and I state it, they become defensive.

For example, if someone were to say that they liked purple hats and then asked me my opinion, if I told them that I dislike purple hats because purple is my least favorite color... and then became upset because I didn't agree with them (or didn't favor their opinion), how am I in the wrong for stating my opinion?

I'm really not understanding this. If someone can please explain how I am in the definite wrong, i'd completely appreciate it and seriously take it into consideration. I have yet to fully understand how speaking my opinion (when asked) is a wrong thing? Aside from being mean or rude (which I most certainly do not intend to do), how am I wrong? Especially when someone becomes so defensive that they refuse to speak to me for days because i'm not in agreement with their opinion?

I don't think you did anything wrong, but the more you post, the more I think the topic was either religion or politics.

July 3, 2010

You seem to wear the honesty/assertive tag like it gives you a license to both say what you feel and be indifferent to how others will react to it.

There's a difference between giving an opinion when asked and giving an unsolicited opinion. I'm not convinced that you can tell the difference, or know when you've crossed that line, because your overriding need to be honest and assertive blinds you to most everything else, namely, when to appropriately express these behaviors (mostly when asked for instead of whenever you feel like it) and how said behavior is seen by others.

.

I kinda agree with this. You do seem to really really need to be right - in the original situation with the boy, as well as in about five of your responses in the thread - you say

'you're right, but.....' or

'i agree, although...' or,

you're 100% right, the thing is....' (or some variant)

You seem to take half a second to 'token' mirror the other persons response/opinion, and then go on to rejustify your own position (its like you're saying ...'you're right, but this is why you're wrong'...,) which could be what gets the other person defensive?

Having an opinion is great, but its not always going to be right, either for that person, or in general, and by utulizing a little diplomacy and social delicacy (which is not PA behaviour), you might not offend people as readily.

ie in your particular situation - there are ways to say -

"yeah, i think its great you told them to get back together, i really hope he seriously talks to her/they talk it out so they can sort out their issues and have a healthy future relationship"

so that you can get your advice across in a way that doesnt make the other person feel defensive or attacked.

July 3, 2010

Maybe you are just coming across as annoying to others.

Most of the people I have come across who claim how honest and direct they are just use that term to bully other people and say rude things to others and get away with it.

I have also noticed none of these direct people can take what they dish out ever. They crumble as the least bit of honesty towards them.

July 3, 2010

So you were asking your partner to change, and he/she was being passive aggressive?

I suppose it comes down to specifics, but yes, I asked my partner to change - an example: I asked him to change by considering my feelings rather than sticking to his 'ideal' where a partner can never ask for more than they get or anything different.

I asked him to cut contact with his ex fwb who he'd been on and off with for 10 years. He told me they went out together 10 years ago. Then later told me they had been fwb in between other relationships. They stopped the sex but still slept in the same bed as each other if he was dropping off his dog or she was picking up his dog from his house right up until he met me (I found out when things were going well, we moved in). He didn't tell her until we were 8 months in that we were together, never officially finished things with her and she still sent him a valentines message wanting to know he was still there for her on valentines day this year. I was asking him to cut contact. He agreed. Then back peddled. This issue has been the bane of our relationship for 2 years. Also, we had a bbq. He put some damp wood on it, made lost of smoke made me feel ill, headache nausea. Next night he calls, he wants a bbq can I make it happen. Of cousre I can. He gets home, goes to put wood on the fire, I say no - it made me sick yesterday - he friend was there - he puts it on anyway - I take it off. He doesn't speak to me for 3 days.

PA? You tell me... am I asking too much? Who cares.

Anyway - I left him last Sat. So I guess it doesn't matter anymore. BUT it was much more about the fact I was asking him to change and think differently rather than how my feelings were being hurt. Principles first. Feelings second.

Life is just not like that.

July 3, 2010

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So you were asking your partner to change, and he/she was being passive aggressive?

I suppose it comes down to specifics, but yes, I asked my partner to change - an example: I asked him to change by considering my feelings rather than sticking to his 'ideal' where a partner can never ask for more than they get or anything different.

I asked him to cut contact with his ex fwb who he'd been on and off with for 10 years. He told me they went out together 10 years ago. Then later told me they had been fwb in between other relationships over the past 10 years since they were going out. They stopped the sex 3 years before we got together, but still slept in the same bed as each other if he was dropping off his dog or she was picking up his dog from his house right up until he met me (I found out when things were going well, we moved in)....it's hard to believe nothing happened?is it? I don't know if I believe nothing happened in those 3 years. Anyway, He didn't tell her until we were 8 months in that we were together, never officially finished things with her and she still sent him a valentines message this year wanting to know he was still there for her on valentines day this year. I was asking him to cut contact. He agreed. Then back peddled. This issue has been the bane of our relationship for 2 years. Yes I was asking him to change and do somethig different for me. They barely see each other. His argument is that it's for the dog's benefit they stay in touch.ouch ouchouch... even talking about this hurts so much. So in your example - he did both of those things.

Also, we had a bbq. He put some damp wood on it, made lots of white thick smoke and made me feel ill, headache nausea. Next night he calls, he wants a bbq can I make it happen. Of cousre I can, go shopping, buy healthy food for us, light the bbq. He gets home, goes to put wood on the fire, I say no - it made me sick yesterday - he friend was there - he puts it on anyway - I take it off. He doesn't speak to me for 3 days because of this.... I made him look stupid apparently. His friend even said not to put it on. .....

PA? You tell me... am I asking too much? Who cares.

Anyway - I left him last Sat. So I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

BUT it was much more about the fact I was asking him to change and think differently rather than how my feelings were being hurt. Principles first. Feelings second.

Life is just not like that and you won't get far being that way if you are looking for a deep and meaningful relationship. The world is not according to you but... the two of you. I think it does comes down to compatability. Fluid - not rigid....

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July 3, 2010

You seem to wear the honesty/assertive tag like it gives you a license to both say what you feel and be indifferent to how others will react to it.

I've stated multiple times in this thread that I do my best to gauge a persons sensitivity while giving advice or opinions. I apologize if i've come across as the type to not care about how the other person feels because of my advice or opinions, I do care, when warranted. If someone gets bent out of shape because of the advice or opinion I gave (when it comes to things like common sense), that's when I feel the need to tell them that they are being a bit ridiculous.

There's a difference between giving an opinion when asked and giving an unsolicited opinion. I'm not convinced that you can tell the difference, or know when you've crossed that line, because your overriding need to be honest and assertive blinds you to most everything else, namely, when to appropriately express these behaviors (mostly when asked for instead of whenever you feel like it) and how said behavior is seen by others.

Again, i've already covered this in a previous post in this thread.

In this situation you're not. I can't imagine too many people ever getting bent outta shape in a situation like this, or close to it. That's why I believe that there's a lot more to this than you simply expressing an opinion "only" when asked!

I'm not sure if you got the chance to read the exact situation i'm talking about, if not, have a look.

I think you can start by trying to look a little further than circumstances like this because in this circumstance you are far from wrong, and as long as you keep on looking at things from this perspective only then you never will be. But as alluded to earlier, this is not the only type of circumstance that you operate in nor have problems with.

You are right that I do give unwarranted opinions occasionally if I feel the need to comment on something, but for the most part, i've learned to keep my mouth shut unless asked for my opinion.

I kinda agree with this. You do seem to really really need to be right - in the original situation with the boy, as well as in about five of your responses in the thread - you say

'you're right, but.....' or
'i agree, although...' or,
you're 100% right, the thing is....' (or some variant)

That's me understanding their opinion.

I don't always have to have the same opinion as others. That's what i'm really thinking this is all coming down to. The fact that I don't always agree with people. Not everyone knows how to handle that sort of thing, and they sometimes become defensive when caught off guard. I don't feel the need to be right, I feel the need to be respected. I respect everyone and their opinion. I try to see it from both sides of the spectrum, but when someone doesn't give me the same common courtesy, i'll speak up.

You seem to take half a second to 'token' mirror the other persons response/opinion, and then go on to rejustify your own position (its like you're saying ...'you're right, but this is why you're wrong'...,) which could be what gets the other person defensive?

No no, it's more like "I see where you're coming from. I understand your opinion. But now, this is my opinion. Just like you are allowed to have yours, I am also allowed to have mine."

Having an opinion is great, but its not always going to be right, either for that person, or in general, and by utulizing a little diplomacy and social delicacy (which is not PA behaviour), you might not offend people as readily.

This sort of thing doesn't happen often with me, and i'm beginning to think it's coming across that way. The original point to the thread was to vent about the particular situation i'm in, and stating that I hate it when people react the way this particular guy has. I actually very rarely have someone get so upset with me about my opinion, that they refuse to talk to me for days at a time. But when it does happen, it gets under my skin.

ie in your particular situation - there are ways to say -

"yeah, i think its great you told them to get back together, i really hope he seriously talks to her/they talk it out so they can sort out their issues and have a healthy future relationship"

so that you can get your advice across in a way that doesnt make the other person feel defensive or attacked.

You're right (i'm agreeing with your post). In this situation, I should have said something like that. But I had no way of knowing that he was an ultra sensitive guy, considering he seemed to be a blunt and straightforward type of person. I figured he could handle a little straightforwardness back. I assumed wrong.

July 3, 2010

Sounds like you were both stubborn. Whether you are right or wrong, honest or dishonest, sometimes, with the very best intentions you will hurt someone else's feelings. That doesn't make them a "big baby" or a "douche" as you put it.

I don't like sugarcoating things either, but I don't think it's practical to expect everyone I interact with to handle brutal honesty 100% of the time.

I think it's important to stand you ground on things that really matter, the rest you can be somewhat flexible with. Just my opinion.

July 3, 2010

Sounds like you were both stubborn. Whether you are right or wrong, honest or dishonest, sometimes, with the very best intentions you will hurt someone else's feelings. That doesn't make them a "big baby" or a "douche" as you put it.

I don't think that everyone who can't handle honesty is a baby or a douche, this guy is both, though. I spoke with the girl who had introduced the both of us, and she asked how things were between him and I. I didn't get into details, all I said was "We just aren't compatible." And immediatly after I said that, she responded with "Ha, that's funny. He isn't compatible with a lot of people. He can be a huge baby when it comes to things." Those were her exact words.

I have a feeling that everyone is assuming this is how I handle every situation like this. That's not the case. I'm referring to this particular situation.

I don't like sugarcoating things either, but I don't think it's practical to expect everyone I interact with to handle brutal honesty 100% of the time.
I think it's important to stand you ground on things that really matter, the rest you can be somewhat flexible with. Just my opinion.

Not many people can handle brutal honesty at all. Let alone 100% of the time. I don't expect that either.

I guess what i'm trying to say, is that in general, if a person has a problem with my opinion, or I offend them in any way (which I don't intentionally do), i'd expect them to tell me. Instead of getting mad and not speaking to me for days at a time. If it bothers a person that much, it should be talked about. If not, then they shouldn't hold it against me. Talk about it, or get over it.

July 3, 2010

I've stated multiple times in this thread that I do my best to gauge a persons sensitivity while giving advice or opinions. I apologize if i've come across as the type to not care about how the other person feels because of my advice or opinions, I do care, when warranted.

You’ve stated, on even more occasions, your need to be assertive, honest and to express your opinion. The fact that you’re well aware of the downsides to these behaviors, not to mention your loathing of passive/aggressive/contradictory behavior, throw in a pinch of seeing things in right or wrong terms and finish off with this instance (with the guy) - it all leads me to believe that your need to basically, express your feelings, supersedes any sympathy you may have for the recipient.

There's a difference between giving an opinion when asked and giving an unsolicited opinion.
Again, i've already covered this in a previous post in this thread.

You’re certainly aware of the difference between giving an opinion when asked and giving an unsolicited opinion. That is true. But whether you use either/or appropriately and can realize this – I’m not convinced.

I'm not sure if you got the chance to read the exact situation i'm talking about, if not, have a look.

Are you suggesting that your example isn’t anywhere near the actual situation that drove you here. If so, why express it in the first place?

You are right that I do give unwarranted opinions occasionally if I feel the need to comment on something, but for the most part, i've learned to keep my mouth shut unless asked for my opinion.

But have you learnt to examine your behavior in a manner that allows you to see whether you’ve behaved appropriately or not? In light of some of the examples you’ve used to explain what’s bugging you the most – I suggest not.

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July 4, 2010

A O -- I've made my point in this thread already. I'm sorry if you have misunderstood it, or cannot comprehend it. Or further more, are not able to agree with it in any way what so ever.

Fortunately, I do not care whether or not you are 'convinced' in regards to whether or not I speak the truth.

The fact of the matter is, when a person asks for an honest opinion, and is given one... they should not become passive aggressive if they do not agree with the opinion given.

Period.

Thank you for your opinion about this.

July 4, 2010

A O -- I've made my point in this thread already. I'm sorry if you have misunderstood it, or cannot comprehend it. Or further more, are not able to agree with it in any way what so ever.

A simple I don't agree with your stance or lets just agree to disagree response was all you needed Erica. Instead though, you've thrown a couple of not-so-delicate backhanders. This just further emphasizes my belief that you rub people the wrong way but more importantly, you cannot or refuse to, see that.

Fortunately, I do not care whether or not you are 'convinced' in regards to whether or not I speak the truth.

And the same can probably be said of those whom interact with you. Are they interested in getting your take on their behavior, especially that which is uncalled for, I doubt it....and I'm sure they reacted in a similar manner to how you're reacting to me.

The fact of the matter is, when a person asks for an honest opinion, and is given one... they should not become passive aggressive if they do not agree with the opinion given.

When a person asks for an opinion, they need to take this opinion in their stride, within reason - without doubt. However, and again, whatever problems you have extend a lot further than just this one circumstance.

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July 4, 2010

When a person asks for an opinion, they need to take this opinion in their stride, within reason - without doubt. However, and again, whatever problems you have extend a lot further than just this one circumstance.

If there's some sort of forum history between the two of you leading to bad blood, then I apologise for butting in here....but I can't see how anyone could fairly reach a conclusion like that just from this thread. Maybe the way Erica expresses herself reminds you of someone you've known in real life?

July 4, 2010

If there's some sort of forum history between the two of you leading to bad blood, then I apologise for butting in here....but I can't see how anyone could fairly reach a conclusion like that just from this thread. Maybe the way Erica expresses herself reminds you of someone you've known in real life?

I don't know her from Adam. On the one hand, I think she must be pretty decent because she's got posters like you and threebyfate in her corner. - posters I respect a lot. On the other hand, her discourse here simply doesn't add up to me, and in keeping with one of many themes within this thread - I'm simply stating as much. That's all there is to it.

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July 4, 2010

If there's some sort of forum history between the two of you leading to bad blood, then I apologise for butting in here....but I can't see how anyone could fairly reach a conclusion like that just from this thread. Maybe the way Erica expresses herself reminds you of someone you've known in real life?

I was actually about to post the same thing. I'm not sure whether my thread brought up negative feelings for him or what. I believe that i've made myself pretty clear in how I react in certain situations.

A O - Again, i'm sorry if you've misunderstood me. But the conclusions you are jumping to, based on how you are perceiving this thread, is something that i'm not willing to continue to comment on. I believe it isn't relevant (or you just aren't understanding).

July 4, 2010

I don't know her from Adam. On the one hand, I think she must be pretty decent because she's got posters like you and threebyfate in her corner. - posters I respect a lot. On the other hand, her discourse here simply doesn't add up to me, and in keeping with one of many themes within this thread - I'm simply stating as much. That's all there is to it.

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Okay. I said that because I know there are times I'll read something here and it will piss me off. Then when I think about it, it's usually because something about the post has reminded me about a person or situation from real life.

The general theme of the thread is interesting though. I can definitely understand Erica's frustration of people claiming to prefer others to take the direct and honest approach with them, and then becoming angry when they do....but I think that's just it goes. I think of A walking up to B and yelling "if you've got something to say, say it to my face" - then punching B when B says it.

In practice few of us are in a position where we can get away with telling everyone around us what we think in a very honest and direct manner...without there being some sort of fall-out from it.

July 4, 2010

I think that maybe i've confused some people because of the fact that I used my certain situation as an example. It might have thrown some people off.

Taramere- You are absolutely right in saying that the point I was trying to get across is that it frustrates me when people claim to want honesty. And when given it, cannot handle it. I am in no way implying (and not assuming you are either) that this situation is purely based on aggressive behavior.

I would never approach someone in a mean tone to express my opinion.

I think i'm just terrible at trying to get my point across. I have so many different things running through my mind about this subject, that it may come across as being inconsistent.

I apologize to anyone who has taken this thread in a way that it was not intended. I really hope that the majority of posters have understood the point I was trying to make.

July 4, 2010

I think that maybe i've confused some people because of the fact that I used my certain situation as an example. It might have thrown some people off.

Taramere- You are absolutely right in saying that the point I was trying to get across is that it frustrates me when people claim to want honesty. And when given it, cannot handle it. I am in no way implying (and not assuming you are either) that this situation is purely based on aggressive behavior.

I would never approach someone in a mean tone to express my opinion.

I think i'm just terrible at trying to get my point across. I have so many different things running through my mind about this subject, that it may come across as being inconsistent.

I don't think you're terrible at getting your point across. I think maybe the real problem is that belief - common to many of us - that provided you express yourself politely but directly, it should be possible to deal with others without conflict ensuing. It isn't always the case. I don't know a single person who lives a life completely free of conflict - regardless of how reasonable they might be.

You can express yourself in a way that you believe is very reasonable, but the other person might take humbrage anyway. I've found with some people, the very fact that I'm being polite will seem to inflame them. I'm dealing with a woman like that right now. You find yourself thinking "this woman's an adult. She holds a higher professional position than me and earns more. Why should I be the one who has to behave like an adult, while she (metaphorically) flings poo around like some retarded toddler?"

The answer is, I suppose, because I can - and apparently she can't (behave like an adult). So sometimes you just have to accept "okay, I'm going to be in conflict with this person. They're not amenable to resolving it." Sometimes it just happens, despite your best efforts - and if you're happy with the way you've handled yourself, it's not worth spending too much time worrying about why the other person is reacting the way they are.

July 4, 2010

Okay. I said that because I know there are times I'll read something here and it will piss me off. Then when I think about it, it's usually because something about the post has reminded me about a person or situation from real life.

I'm a sports nut first and foremost. My point being - relationships discourse rarely brings out any sort of emotion in me. The odd laugh, sure, but not much else. Human behavior is a fascinating subject to me but hardly an emotional one in other words. But when it comes to sport - I can scream, laugh, cry, jump up and down like a madman possessed better than anyone. Not a particularly pleasant sight but hey - sport is my emotional outlet (ditto music).Go Germany!!!

The general theme of the thread is interesting though. I can definitely understand Erica's frustration of people claiming to prefer others to take the direct and honest approach with them, and then becoming angry when they do....but I think that's just it goes. I think of A walking up to B and yelling "if you've got something to say, say it to my face" - then punching B when B says it.

Hey, I totally get this. But I see more to it than this. I see situations other than this, whereupon Erica either vents her frustrations or exercises her assertiveness and honesty. In other words, there's more to all of this than Erica is willing to let on.

I would never approach someone in a mean tone to express my opinion.

Words can still bite regardless of tone.

I apologize to anyone who has taken this thread in a way that it was not intended

You're incredibly disarming. Makes me wonder if this is part of your problem. You're the sweetest of sweet on one hand - take no prisoners on the other. I'm still relatively new here hence I see both sides very clearly. You are not all of what you paint yourself to be, that's how I see it, and I have given my reasoning behind this stance in several posts prior. Now, you can write my views off as me grabbing the wrong end of the stick, or failing to grasp the point(s) you wish us to comprehend, but to me, this is indicative of a person who only really wants to hear what she wishes to hear. And this type of behavior doesn't lend itself well to healthy communication between people, which when all is said and done - is the problem that you're really having here (here as in with the guy you're frustrated with, not to mention your boss, and whatever problem you have here with me).

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July 4, 2010

I don't think you're terrible at getting your point across. I think maybe the real problem is that belief - common to many of us - that provided you express yourself politely but directly, it should be possible to deal with others without conflict ensuing. It isn't always the case. I don't know a single person who lives a life completely free of conflict - regardless of how reasonable they might be.

You can express yourself in a way that you believe is very reasonable, but the other person might take humbrage anyway. I've found with some people, the very fact that I'm being polite will seem to inflame them. I'm dealing with a woman like that right now. You find yourself thinking "this woman's an adult. She holds a higher professional position than me and earns more. Why should I be the one who has to behave like an adult, while she (metaphorically) flings poo around like some retarded toddler?"

The answer is, I suppose, because I can - and apparently she can't (behave like an adult). So sometimes you just have to accept "okay, I'm going to be in conflict with this person. They're not amenable to resolving it." Sometimes it just happens, despite your best efforts - and if you're happy with the way you've handled yourself, it's not worth spending too much time worrying about why the other person is reacting the way they are.

You're right! It just can get frustrating sometimes, ya know? I'm thinking that my assertiveness comes out more after the other person has become upset because of my opinion. That's when I go into, "I'm sorry you've become upset because of my opinion, but I don't understand why you'd ask if you didn't want to hear it?" - mode.

I'm usually very good at gauging what a persons reaction will be when giving my opinion. That is - the people who I am close with. When it comes to new people in my life, it's a bit more difficult, so it's 'testing out the waters' if you will. Seeing what will upset them and what won't. I don't do this in a negative way, or don't intend to at least.

Thank you Taramere! I always enjoy reading your posts, you always give me something to think about. I appreciate it!

You're incredibly disarming. Makes me wonder if this is part of your problem. You're the sweetest of sweet on one hand - take no prisoners on the other. I'm still relatively new here hence I see both sides very clearly. You are not all of what you paint yourself to be, that's how I see it, and I have given my reasoning behind this stance in several posts prior. Now, you can write my views off as me grabbing the wrong end of the stick, or failing to grasp the point(s) you wish us to comprehend, but to me, this is indicative of a person who only really wants to hear what she wishes to hear. And this type of behavior doesn't lend itself well to healthy communication between people, which when all is said and done - is the problem that you're really having here (here as in with the guy you're frustrated with, not to mention your boss, and whatever problem you have here with me).

The problem I have with you, is that you assume to know more about me than I do. I've explained my position many times before. And yet, you still throw out things like: "You are not all of what you paint yourself to be..."

I can be a very sweet person, and when I tell someone my opinion and they take it the wrong way, or misunderstand, I apologize (hence the reason why I apologized to anyone who may have misunderstood my point). That doesn't mean that I don't still have my opinion about this.

It's ok that you don't believe I am who I say I am (or there's more to it), but that's just something we will need to agree to disagree about. I really don't want this to turn into something I didn't intend for. Again, thanks for your opinion.

July 4, 2010

The problem I have with you, is that you assume to know more about me than I do. I've explained my position many times before. And yet, you still throw out things like: "You are not all of what you paint yourself to be..."

I'm simply working off what you have expressed beforehand. You have expressed more than you care to remember, obviously. You continue to refocus this thread in the direction you want to it to head but I simply see a lot more than you're willing to focus on, and I'm not the only one like this either. Other than that, I don't see why you should have a problem with me - if you truly believe in what you're saying then what I have to say shouldn't matter one iota.

It's ok that you don't believe I am who I say I am (or there's more to it), but that's just something we will need to agree to disagree about. I really don't want this to turn into something I didn't intend for. Again, thanks for your opinion.

Sorry, but a lot of posters let go more than they realized or wanted to. I give you kudos for being very sweet in the manner in which you try to influence the flow of your thread, but much like you also - if I see something that doesn't gel with me - I pipe up, but unlike face to face conversations, I present evidence as to why I believe what I do.

Other than all that - I thank for the manner in which you wish to end this debate with me.

.

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