Taramere Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Erica, I read that scenario you provided and he's not acting passive aggressive. He was looking for validation much like most who post threads on LS so when he didn't get it from you, rather received what he perceived as criticism, he reacted like most on LS, defensively. That's the way I read it too. That this was a crossed transaction. The guy maybe wanted to talk about the advice he'd given this other person - and get a bit of validation. Potentially, "I gave X this advice..." is the opening to an exploratory conversation. The person listening might respond (provided the advice is reasonably good) "that seems like sound advice. How did he/she respond to it?" That provides the "I'm interested in hearing about this" message and the "so what happened next?" cue needed to keep the conversation flowing. Male: I've given this person advice. This is what the advice is: (input advice here). What do you think? Me: I think you have the right idea. Personally, I would have given this advice: (input advice here). Male: What?! No way. You just don't understand. Me: Why are you becoming so defensive? I'm just letting you know my point of view. I apologize if it's not something you wanted to hear, or if I misunderstood the situation. Male: Well, i'm a different person. I think differently. So my advice is just fine the way that it is. Me: (Left completely shocked, and feeling pretty stupid for believing that the other person wanted my honest opinion, as opposed to what they just wanted to hear). I think rather than you being too assertive or him being too passive, this sounds like a bit of a crossed transaction, Erica. My hunch, based on his responses, would be that he was hoping to talk about the advice he gave, and the person he gave it to. Perhaps they reacted negatively to the advice, and that affected his response to you when you qualified his advice with "personally I would have...." What happened between you seems very normal. Two people not quite connecting in conversation (ie not giving out/picking up cues easily) and walking away at the end of it feeling a bit ruffled and misunderstood.
Morals Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I believe assertiveness and passiveness/passive-aggressiveness falls into a much deeper fold then just the categories of themselves when in context of a conversation. Sympathetic Assertive: I want you to converse with me while I state my opinion but I'm only going to agree with the points that strengthen my position. Sympathetic Passive: I want you to converse with me, but I'm only going to agree with the points that won't anger you. Sympathetic Passive-Aggressive: I want you to converse with me, and I will agree with some points, but then counter the ones I don't like with my own opinion. The ones I counter you on, I don't want your opinion, I just want you to listen. Empathetic Assertive: I want you to converse with me while I state my opinon, I will discuss the situation and even may change my viewpoint if you provide. I will listen to your own opinion and make comments based on my observations of the situation, even if I don't agree with them. Empathetic Passive: I'm going to listen to you and offer no opinion on the situation. Empathetic Passive-Aggressive: This is almost entirely non-existent as a form of behavior because empathy requires willful placement of one in another person's situation. Passive-Aggressive behavior does not put someone in someone's shoes.
Author EricaH329 Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) Do you want to be assertive or do you want to be right! One is good, we rarely need the other. I want to be honest. I don't intentionally push my ideas or opinions on anyone. I state my thoughts about it, and they can either take it into consideration or not. What they do with that is up to them. But it annoys me when they become defensive because I have a different opinion than they do. Don't ask for my opinion if you really don't want it. There are red flags going up in my radar from this post. First off, he asks loaded/rhetoric questions. It looks like he's controlling. It's even more effective if its passive aggression (which most controllers use). I don't think so. I think you should be telling this to the guy she's dating. I agree with you Gypsy. Erica, I read that scenario you provided and he's not acting passive aggressive. He was looking for validation much like most who post threads on LS so when he didn't get it from you, rather received what he perceived as criticism, he reacted like most on LS, defensively. But one thing's for certain. The minute you say the phrase "why are you getting so defensive" it will automatically instigate a battle, bar none. You're right. When I asked why he was getting defensive it was to help me try to understand him better. His point of view. So that I know whatever I did to upset him, I shouldn't do again. Maybe he was just looking for validation. I did agree with his advice (to an extent), I just would have went about it in a different way, and that's why I explained how I would have handled it. Not saying is way was wrong, I actually agree with him, but since my way of going about it was different he automatically assumed that I was trying to imply that he was wrong. That's not the case at all. Some people just can't handle listening to opinions outside of their own. Now, Erica, if you REALLY did lead in with "You have the right idea", that statement alone was meant to disarm any incoming hostility from him, basically a way for him to see that you ARE commending him for his advice but that you'd like to add onto that. Sometimes people WILL ask for our advice, but in reality, they want to hear certain things. It's easier on the forum because it's people we don't see or hear but when it's a person we are dating, it's a whole new can of worms. That's funny you say that, because I actually told him the same thing. He was justifying his reasons as to why he gave the advice he did (while in defensive mode) and I told him I completely understand. But sometimes, in certain situations, being a friend is telling another person how it is, as opposed to sugar coating things. My opinion. He went on to say that this has been his friend for a very long time and his friend listens to all of his advice and acts on it, and he's doing well so far... so he isn't going to take outside opinions on how to give advice to his friend. Since the advice he is giving seems to be working so well. That threw me off a bit, but I left it alone. That's the way I read it too. That this was a crossed transaction. The guy maybe wanted to talk about the advice he'd given this other person - and get a bit of validation. Potentially, "I gave X this advice..." is the opening to an exploratory conversation. The person listening might respond (provided the advice is reasonably good) "that seems like sound advice. How did he/she respond to it?" That provides the "I'm interested in hearing about this" message and the "so what happened next?" cue needed to keep the conversation flowing. I think rather than you being too assertive or him being too passive, this sounds like a bit of a crossed transaction, Erica. My hunch, based on his responses, would be that he was hoping to talk about the advice he gave, and the person he gave it to. Perhaps they reacted negatively to the advice, and that affected his response to you when you qualified his advice with "personally I would have...." What happened between you seems very normal. Two people not quite connecting in conversation (ie not giving out/picking up cues easily) and walking away at the end of it feeling a bit ruffled and misunderstood. You could be very right. Maybe I misunderstood him. Maybe he meant that he wanted to hear my opinion on the advice that he gave, as opposed to what my advice would have been. The thing is, though, that I somewhat disagree with his opinion in this situation. I wouldn't have said anything if I thought that he didn't want to hear it. But because he did (or so I thought) I added my 2 cents. Maybe that was wrong on my part. Maybe he's just the kind of guy who always likes to be right, and doesn't want to listen to why he might be wrong... or take any other opinion into consideration. This just leads to built up resentment, though. I talked to him on the phone today, and we've both come to the conclusion that we are stubborn people. He feels like he doesn't need outside opinions, and I feel like it's ridiculous to not take into account anyone elses feelings on the matter. That's just something we are both going to have to agree to disagree about. Making me re-think this whole dating thing with him, though. I guess we'll see. Edited June 29, 2010 by EricaH329
threebyfate Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Erica, how are you currently reacting to members disagreeing with your perspective within this thread?
Author EricaH329 Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 Erica, how are you currently reacting to members disagreeing with your perspective within this thread? I'm taking everyones advice and opinions into consideration. Just as I would hope anyone else would do for me. If I do not agree, then I won't become angry and hold it against them. I just got off of the phone with my best friend who was there during this particular conversation between the guy i'm seeing. The one that I used as an example earlier. She told me that he tends to ask a lot of loaded questions, and becomes upset after hearing an opinion that doesn't agree with his. All of this happened on Monday night. I haven't talked to him much the last couple of days, and I decided to ask him why that was today. He told me he isn't sure if he wants to date someone that 'debates' his opinion. I explained that I didn't intend for it to come across like I was debating him, I simply told him my opinion on the subject, and that's when he became upset and defensive. I told him that I don't think it's a good idea to continue dating. It's been two days since our difference of opinions happened, and he was still holding it against me. Not something i'd like to deal with in the long run. Oh well.
Diezel Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 He told me he isn't sure if he wants to date someone that 'debates' his opinion. Oh well. A man with mommy issues. Oh boy, that would have been a LOT of fun.
Author EricaH329 Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 A man with mommy issues. Oh boy, that would have been a LOT of fun. I'm just glad he showed this side of him so early on. It would have really sucked if it had actually gotten serious.
Author EricaH329 Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 At least the sex was good... for all of that one day? Damn, I didn't think about that!! Now i'm kinda bummed!
Diezel Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Damn, I didn't think about that!! Now i'm kinda bummed! I thought you were conscious about that the whole time??? I'm disappointed.
Author EricaH329 Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 I thought you were conscious about that the whole time??? I'm disappointed. I got a little sidetracked when he started acting like a douche... wasn't in the front of my mind at the time
Diezel Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Well, if anything, it'll make for good masturbatory images. You got that going for you. There'll be others.
Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Erica, I read that scenario you provided and he's not acting passive aggressive. He was looking for validation much like most who post threads on LS so when he didn't get it from you, rather received what he perceived as criticism, he reacted like most on LS, defensively. But one thing's for certain. The minute you say the phrase "why are you getting so defensive" it will automatically instigate a battle, bar none. I agree completely on all points.
Engadget Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Here is a pattern some of you may have experienced: female: "I noticed something I don't like about the way you live your life." male: "Well yeah mabey it's not the best way." female: "Oh good so we agree?" male: "Yeah." female: "Great! So here's how you should change. _______. That's how I would do it. Ok?" male: "Yep. I think you're right." female: "You're great. I love you." Time passes. The change doesn't occur. female: "I thought you said you were going to change this part of your life?" male: "Yeah well I thought about it..." female: "And? C'mon! Speak up! male: "Why are you getting an attitude? Your being too aggressive." female: "I can't believe you won't change when you know I'm right. You even agreed! OMG PASSIVE AGGREESIVE!" The guy sneaks off with his tail between his legs, and avoids the situation. The girl storms off, brooding about her bfs passive aggressive refusal to change. The problem is not the bf is passive aggressive, and I'll prove it. Let's assume the guy is not passive aggressive. female: "I noticed something I don't like about the way you live your life." male: "Well yeah mabey it's not the best way, but it's my way." female: "I think you should change." male: "I'm not changing that part of my life. If you can't accept that, then we should break up." female: "I'm right about this! RANT RANT! CHANGE!" male: "No." Woman goes off and tells everyone and her grandmother about how the guy should change. Guy goes about his daily routine. woman: "So you don't love me enough to change?" male: "I love you. I'm not changing." They either break up, or stay together. But the problem is the same, the guy's refusal to change, not how he refused to change. Women do not like the second scenario, as it recently happened to me. Girl I was seeing was trying to change me, and I told her straight out it wasn't going to happen, she was pisssssssed.
TheLoneSock Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I'm an honest person, I won't lie to you and if you are doing something that's out of line (again, within reason), i'll let you know. Erica, you're one of the most direct women I've ever met. I wouldn't worry about other people, since you can't change them. Just surround yourself with personalities you do mesh with, and forget the useless rest.
sunshinegirl Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I want to be honest. I don't intentionally push my ideas or opinions on anyone. I state my thoughts about it, and they can either take it into consideration or not. What they do with that is up to them. But it annoys me when they become defensive because I have a different opinion than they do. Don't ask for my opinion if you really don't want it. Interesting thread! A couple of thoughts for you to ponder or reject as you see fit... You contradict yourself a little bit in the above. If they can either take your ideas into consideration or not, then why do you care if they get defensive/disagree with your ideas? Pointing out that they're getting defensive implies that you do actually care whether/how they take your ideas into consideration. Your implied purpose for offering your opinion in that case is that "if someone asks for my opinion, they should at some level accept it and not argue against it." I'm sure I do some of what your BF did. To evaluate whether I've made a good choice, I will ask other peoples' opinions of whatever I did, and I may play devil's advocate with what they say...but it's all in service of either validating what I did, or learning how to handle it differently next time. So when I ask for someone else's view, my purpose is for my learning, not necessarily to simply adopt their perspective. On another note, have you noticed that you are mirroring (at least to some degree) the same reaction you don't like from the other person? Namely, someone disagrees with your opinion after asking for it, and you get upset that they don't respond as you think they should. Yet you are reacting to their upset that you disagree with their opinion, and you didn't respond as they thought you should. (Wait, did that make sense? It's all kind of circular...which is my point) Me: (Left completely shocked, and feeling pretty stupid for believing that the other person wanted my honest opinion, as opposed to what they just wanted to hear).
threebyfate Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Erica, so that you know, I'm not trying to make you look or feel bad. Just pointing out that you, as well as pretty much everyone on LS including myself, have reacted like this guy in some way (but not identically) at some time in their lives. Part of the issue is how the other person provides opinion. It's also true that the individuals involved within the situation know it best where there maybe other pertinent factors involved that aren't expressed. But it's also true that third parties can help to provide unbiased opinions. Anyways, JMO, for you to accept or decline.
mem11363 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 Erica, He sounds insecure and difficult. People who self describe as stubborn are often tough to deal with. I do think there is an "art" to being direct with people. Part of it is understanding how sensitive they are on certain topics. It is not helpful to you to be direct with someone who is over sensitive when the result is simply a draining argument and bad feelings. I also believe it is easy to think that "we" are always clear and consistent and it is everyone else who is riddled with contradictions. For instance below your initial response to him was: "I think you have the right idea, personally I would have given this advice." If his advice was they should get their hair cut and your advice was they should buy a new car, then you have a situation where the guy looking for validation has a brief moment of starting to feel validated followed by the stinging realization that you actually didn't think his advice was any good. And "in the moment" asking someone "why are you getting defensive", causes them to hear "why are you insecure and overly sensitive" which will definitely escalate. It is easy to self assess and say "I am honest - other people are just to sensitive". It is far harder to ask "how can I get better at reading people so I can figure out the amount of blunt conversation our relationship can successfully tolerate?" No one expects you to lie or distort your opinion. Sometimes you simply need to be quiet when either your opinion, or even the objective truth will cause more harm than good. Wow, you've completely misunderstood my point. That's not how I am at all. I don't expect anyone to change, and even if this was just an example, I most certainly do not expect things from people. The situations i've found myself in (just an example) are more like this: Male: I've given this person advice. This is what the advice is: (input advice here). What do you think? Me: I think you have the right idea. Personally, I would have given this advice: (input advice here). Male: What?! No way. You just don't understand. Me: Why are you becoming so defensive? I'm just letting you know my point of view. I apologize if it's not something you wanted to hear, or if I misunderstood the situation. Male: Well, i'm a different person. I think differently. So my advice is just fine the way that it is. Me: (Left completely shocked, and feeling pretty stupid for believing that the other person wanted my honest opinion, as opposed to what they just wanted to hear). Also, on a more PA note, most people assume that i'm going to keep my opinion to myself (even after being asked for it). They would much rather my opinion (if it's different from theirs) be kept to myself. I don't play that game. I'm sorry if you can't handle my honesty. I'm always very up front with a person from the beginning, and let them know that i'm an honest person and if they can't handle that sort of thing then forming a relationship with me might not be a good idea. They all agree that honesty is the best way to go about it, and they hate it when people don't voice their opinion and yet seem to hold a resentment for doing so. Puh-lease!
Author EricaH329 Posted July 2, 2010 Author Posted July 2, 2010 Erica, you're one of the most direct women I've ever met. I wouldn't worry about other people, since you can't change them. Just surround yourself with personalities you do mesh with, and forget the useless rest. You're right. I'm not entirely worried about finding people who I can relate to in that aspect, I have my good friends who understand me and how I am. It just sucks when you begin dating someone who claims to have the same approach to issues, and it turns out they are big babies. Oh well. You contradict yourself a little bit in the above. If they can either take your ideas into consideration or not, then why do you care if they get defensive/disagree with your ideas? Pointing out that they're getting defensive implies that you do actually care whether/how they take your ideas into consideration. Your implied purpose for offering your opinion in that case is that "if someone asks for my opinion, they should at some level accept it and not argue against it." First i'd like to say thanks for posting!! Ok, so as for the above paragraph, i'd like to clarify a bit. This thread was mainly intended for ranting purposes. I don't mind if someone doesn't agree with my opinion, but when they become defensive and shut me out because of it, is when it starts to frustrate me. It's more of a "You asked for my opinion, I gave it, and now you're mad at me?" type deal, rather than a "I can't believe you don't agree with me" one. I'm sure I do some of what your BF did. To evaluate whether I've made a good choice, I will ask other peoples' opinions of whatever I did, and I may play devil's advocate with what they say...but it's all in service of either validating what I did, or learning how to handle it differently next time. So when I ask for someone else's view, my purpose is for my learning, not necessarily to simply adopt their perspective. Oh, of course!! And it'd be hypocritical of me to say that I haven't done this in the past also. But being more aware of who I am now, and the person i'd like to be, has changed that for me. And I totally understand what you mean. In this particular situation, he asked me my opinion about the advice he gave. From how I understood it, I thought he was asking to see if there was some other advice (or another perspective than his) to go about handling the situation he was in. In the end, though, it turns out all he wanted was validation. And when he heard that I would have said something a bit different, he got very defensive and really didn't talk to me for 2 days. He wasn't out to learn, he was out for validation. If I had known that, I would have kept my mouth shut. I'm sort of glad it worked out this way, though. If he's going to get that upset when someone doesn't fully agree with him, then it would never work out between the two of us anyway. On another note, have you noticed that you are mirroring (at least to some degree) the same reaction you don't like from the other person? Namely, someone disagrees with your opinion after asking for it, and you get upset that they don't respond as you think they should. Yet you are reacting to their upset that you disagree with their opinion, and you didn't respond as they thought you should. (Wait, did that make sense? It's all kind of circular...which is my point) Yes, it makes sense. And you are 100% right! I do become upset after someone handles my advice in the wrong way. I don't intend for him to take my advice, or even listen to it for that matter. I just suppose that i'm naive in the fact that when someone tells me they are a certain way, and then act another, it throws me off. But, back to the point I was trying to make, you are right. And that's something i'm going to need to work on. Erica, so that you know, I'm not trying to make you look or feel bad. Just pointing out that you, as well as pretty much everyone on LS including myself, have reacted like this guy in some way (but not identically) at some time in their lives. Part of the issue is how the other person provides opinion. It's also true that the individuals involved within the situation know it best where there maybe other pertinent factors involved that aren't expressed. But it's also true that third parties can help to provide unbiased opinions. Anyways, JMO, for you to accept or decline. Oh, I know you aren't trying to make me feel bad. I always appreciate your input TBF! Thanks! It is far harder to ask "how can I get better at reading people so I can figure out the amount of blunt conversation our relationship can successfully tolerate?" No one expects you to lie or distort your opinion. Sometimes you simply need to be quiet when either your opinion, or even the objective truth will cause more harm than good. You're very right!! And to some extent, i'm aware of this. And in general, I do tend to gauge a persons sensitivity when giving advice, or telling my opinion. With this particular guy, in this particular situation, it was more along the lines of: "Hey Erica, I told my friend to begin seeing this girl that broke his heart because enough time has passed. What do you think?" In which my response was: "You are onto something. However, I would take into consideration the fact that past issues need to be resolved in order for a new healthy relationship to form." In which he became upset. This is a bit of a ridiculous situation, because I feel as though this is more based on common sense than anything else. I don't believe there is any reason as to why he should be mad at me for stating an opinion that's commonly held. However, aside from this example, in general you are very right in saying that it would be in my best interest to explain my opinion to someone based on their sensitivity level. Thanks for the advice! So, I'm right there with you in that boat, so don't feel alone. Hope this helps, Richard It does, thank you Richard!
mem11363 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Erica, Thanks for explaining the actual advice he gave/you gave. His advice was a little scary. Yours was dead on. I hope you find a guy who appreciates your candor and intelligence. Personally I prefer to be around people who speak their minds, they tend to be more interesting and fun. If your guy had some sense he would have realized your advice was better than his and thanked you for it. It is sad when insecurity is more important than getting the best possible result and in this case - your ex? BF clearly let that happen. You're right. I'm not entirely worried about finding people who I can relate to in that aspect, I have my good friends who understand me and how I am. It just sucks when you begin dating someone who claims to have the same approach to issues, and it turns out they are big babies. Oh well. First i'd like to say thanks for posting!! Ok, so as for the above paragraph, i'd like to clarify a bit. This thread was mainly intended for ranting purposes. I don't mind if someone doesn't agree with my opinion, but when they become defensive and shut me out because of it, is when it starts to frustrate me. It's more of a "You asked for my opinion, I gave it, and now you're mad at me?" type deal, rather than a "I can't believe you don't agree with me" one. Oh, of course!! And it'd be hypocritical of me to say that I haven't done this in the past also. But being more aware of who I am now, and the person i'd like to be, has changed that for me. And I totally understand what you mean. In this particular situation, he asked me my opinion about the advice he gave. From how I understood it, I thought he was asking to see if there was some other advice (or another perspective than his) to go about handling the situation he was in. In the end, though, it turns out all he wanted was validation. And when he heard that I would have said something a bit different, he got very defensive and really didn't talk to me for 2 days. He wasn't out to learn, he was out for validation. If I had known that, I would have kept my mouth shut. I'm sort of glad it worked out this way, though. If he's going to get that upset when someone doesn't fully agree with him, then it would never work out between the two of us anyway. Yes, it makes sense. And you are 100% right! I do become upset after someone handles my advice in the wrong way. I don't intend for him to take my advice, or even listen to it for that matter. I just suppose that i'm naive in the fact that when someone tells me they are a certain way, and then act another, it throws me off. But, back to the point I was trying to make, you are right. And that's something i'm going to need to work on. Oh, I know you aren't trying to make me feel bad. I always appreciate your input TBF! Thanks! You're very right!! And to some extent, i'm aware of this. And in general, I do tend to gauge a persons sensitivity when giving advice, or telling my opinion. With this particular guy, in this particular situation, it was more along the lines of: "Hey Erica, I told my friend to begin seeing this girl that broke his heart because enough time has passed. What do you think?" In which my response was: "You are onto something. However, I would take into consideration the fact that past issues need to be resolved in order for a new healthy relationship to form." In which he became upset. This is a bit of a ridiculous situation, because I feel as though this is more based on common sense than anything else. I don't believe there is any reason as to why he should be mad at me for stating an opinion that's commonly held. However, aside from this example, in general you are very right in saying that it would be in my best interest to explain my opinion to someone based on their sensitivity level. Thanks for the advice! It does, thank you Richard!
Art_Critic Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 i'm picking my battles Something to remember.. if you have to start picking your battles and you guys haven't been together at least 4-6 months then there is seriously something not right with the relationship and the uphill battle ensues to try and save it.. People who are just dating don't pick their battles and don't irritate each other.. Next.. i don't think you are referring to PA behavior - i just think you two are mismatched. Yeah... I'm just glad he showed this side of him so early on. It would have really sucked if it had actually gotten serious. Holy Cow.. Sorry Erica.. at least you didn't sleep with him
Diezel Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Um, she did sleep with him. I don't see how you equated "getting serious with him" with "sleeping with him". They're both definitely not the same.
Author EricaH329 Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Ok I just wrote a 20 minute response, and it somehow got erased. So i'm going to sum everything up as best as I can. If your guy had some sense he would have realized your advice was better than his and thanked you for it. It is sad when insecurity is more important than getting the best possible result and in this case - your ex? BF clearly let that happen. Mem -- Thank you for your understanding! The part that I put in bold is what some people in this thread are trying to argue (for a lack of a better term). My advice isn't always 100% correct, and I don't expect people to assume it is. However, when it comes to common sense, I do believe people should have some sort of understanding. This particular situation, happened to turn out the opposite. Something to remember.. if you have to start picking your battles and you guys haven't been together at least 4-6 months then there is seriously something not right with the relationship and the uphill battle ensues to try and save it.. People who are just dating don't pick their battles and don't irritate each other.. Next.. I totally understand what you are saying. And I agree with it to a certain extent. If a guy were to tell me that he dislikes females with big breasts ((for example)), and I noticed that he constantly looks at women with larger chests, I wouldn't say anything. If he tells me that he hates cheaters, and I catch him cheating... that's another story altogether. See what i'm getting at? There are some things that aren't worth mentioning, and others that are. Happens with everyone who begins dating someone. Holy Cow.. Sorry Erica.. at least you didn't sleep with him Um, she did sleep with him. I don't see how you equated "getting serious with him" with "sleeping with him". They're both definitely not the same. I did sleep with him. Diezel is right though, we weren't able to get to the next step of being 'serious'. Unfortunately.
A O Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Do you want to be assertive or do you want to be right! One is good, we rarely need the other. I want to be honest. I don't intentionally push my ideas or opinions on anyone. I state my thoughts about it, and they can either take it into consideration or not. What they do with that is up to them. But it annoys me when they become defensive because I have a different opinion than they do. Don't ask for my opinion if you really don't want it. Well, you dislike passive/aggressive behavior. You're quick to tell people when they're acting this way too. If they're out of line you'll tell them, if they upset you you'll tell them, if you disagree with them you'll let them know all about it too. You also find it interesting how people assume that you'll keep your opinion to yourself (with emphasis on people who've specifically asked for it, meaning that there's obviously others who haven't). In other words, I'm not buying the 'I only give my opinion when asked' line. Neither am I buying the 'its all or mostly his fault' general theme been shown by others here. You speak of honesty, sensitivity, forthrightness, needing to express how you feel, and yet when this fellow did the same, told you how you came across to him (as argumentative basically), what was at the forefront of you mind, wasn't his feelings or viewpoint but your need to express your opinion! In short, your need to get whatever's on your mind out there supersedes all else - blinds you to everything else from what I've seen thus far. .
Author EricaH329 Posted July 3, 2010 Author Posted July 3, 2010 Well, you dislike passive/aggressive behavior. You're quick to tell people when they're acting this way too. If they're out of line you'll tell them, if they upset you you'll tell them, if you disagree with them you'll let them know all about it too. You also find it interesting how people assume that you'll keep your opinion to yourself (with emphasis on people who've specifically asked for it, meaning that there's obviously others who haven't). In other words, I'm not buying the 'I only give my opinion when asked' line. Neither am I buying the 'its all or mostly his fault' general theme been shown by others here. You speak of honesty, sensitivity, forthrightness, needing to express how you feel, and yet when this fellow did the same, told you how you came across to him (as argumentative basically), what was at the forefront of you mind, wasn't his feelings or viewpoint but your need to express your opinion! In short, your need to get whatever's on your mind out there supersedes all else - blinds you to everything else from what I've seen thus far. . I agree with you on the fact that i'm extremely honest and won't sugar coat things if it's not necessary. What I disagree with you on, however, is the fact that when someone clearly asks "What do you think?" or, "What is your opinion?" and I state it, they become defensive. For example, if someone were to say that they liked purple hats and then asked me my opinion, if I told them that I dislike purple hats because purple is my least favorite color... and then became upset because I didn't agree with them (or didn't favor their opinion), how am I in the wrong for stating my opinion? I'm really not understanding this. If someone can please explain how I am in the definite wrong, i'd completely appreciate it and seriously take it into consideration. I have yet to fully understand how speaking my opinion (when asked) is a wrong thing? Aside from being mean or rude (which I most certainly do not intend to do), how am I wrong? Especially when someone becomes so defensive that they refuse to speak to me for days because i'm not in agreement with their opinion?
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