Am I Being Ignored?

[D-Lish]

You changed my mind...

 

 

Perhaps. Or perhaps that might be reading a little much into it. I mean, I use filler words all the time: "I'm not really doing anything right now" = "I'm doing absolutely nothing at the moment".

 

 

Okay. I will not. However, any specific reason it would be a poor choice?

 

It would be a poor choice because you've been coming on too strong, and to salvage a friendship out of this you need to take a big step back and give her some breathing room.

[Diezel]

Stop harassing this girl.

Go find another girl.

 

You can find a much more detailed summary of my situation in my previous posts, so I'll keep it to a minimum here. Basically all that needs to be known for background is that I asked my friend out, but she said she just broke up with her boyfriend and wasn't interested in dating right now. That was about a week and a half ago.

 

Last Monday/Tuesday I texted her and told her that I missed those long text conversations and that we needed more again. She replied and said that her mom thinks she's addicted to texting so it'll have to wait until she returns to the city. Then we texted a little after that.

 

 

 

I just wanted to highlight this:

 

#1 - When a woman tells you she isn't interested in dating right now, what she really means is that she isn't interested in dating YOU right now. If George Clooney walked up to her and asked her out, I doubt she'd say the same thing to him.

 

#2 - Also, her excuse about her mom thinking she is addicted to texting... PLEASE, what she means is: I don't want you texting me, so please, STOP.

 

#3 - She probably regrets trying to be a decent human being and saying Happy Birthday to you.

 

#4 - If you read everything you've written up until now, as if someone else had typed it and you were reading it, wouldn't you be creeped out as well???

 

THIS GIRL DOESN'T LIKE YOU.

[Confused100]

Okay, thanks. That clears up a lot. I'm not out of romantic mode yet, but hopefully giving her space can also give me time to back out of that mode and into platonic friendship mode.

 

I'll give a good effort at removing my romantic interest so I can salvage the friendship. After I've given a bit of space this week, do I just act like nothing happened and bring up normal friend stuff? Maybe something simple like asking her how she's been?

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Okay, thanks. That clears up a lot. I'm not out of romantic mode yet, but hopefully giving her space can also give me time to back out of that mode and into platonic friendship mode.

 

I'll give a good effort at removing my romantic interest so I can salvage the friendship. After I've given a bit of space this week, do I just act like nothing happened and bring up normal friend stuff? Maybe something simple like asking her how she's been?

 

Yes wait a while then go back just like nothing happed as if you two are just friends again. Say what ever you use to say before you became romantically interested in her after all shes still that same friend to you no?

 

What ever you do DO NOT bring up the past or how your sorry for being romantically interested in her or anything of that nature just move on and let it go!

 

If it were me ide wait a week or so just long enough to not be impolite but to still give things some breathing room.

[Diezel]

Stop telling him to pull back and then try in a few weeks.

 

It's TOO much effort to try to fix this all over again. Look, he can spend less time and less effort trying to find a new girl.

 

Keep this current girl as a friend, FINE.

But that's about it.

 

Does anyone here actually think that by acting aloof and not caring for a few weeks, that'll change everything magically??? He could play it cool for maybe 2 to 3 weeks and as soon as she shows ANY sign of interest, he will go back to this desperate, needy, and clingy guy again.

 

Acting aloof and being distant works SHORT-TERM, but at his core, he is the person that is going after her relentlessly. And even if it did work, she'll always be on guard for that pseudo-stalker personality that he has latent within him.

 

This is TOO much effort, energy, resources wasted on one girl.

 

He could chalk this one up to experience and start fresh with OTHER women.

[D-Lish]

Just let her come back to you when she's had some space.

 

Maybe you don't realize it, but everything you are doing is ALL about YOU and what you want. She just got out of a relationship, and you're immediately jumping in and claiming you love her, not even giving her time to come to terms with the end of her relationship. She didn't even have time to breath before you jumped in and put her on the spot.

 

Wait for her to contact you. She's giving you the signals that she wants the space, but you're not listening, you're only thinking about what you want.

[Confused100]

Stop telling him to pull back and then try in a few weeks.

 

It's TOO much effort to try to fix this all over again. Look, he can spend less time and less effort trying to find a new girl.

 

Keep this current girl as a friend, FINE.

But that's about it.

 

Does anyone here actually think that by acting aloof and not caring for a few weeks, that'll change everything magically??? He could play it cool for maybe 2 to 3 weeks and as soon as she shows ANY sign of interest, he will go back to this desperate, needy, and clingy guy again.

 

Acting aloof and being distant works SHORT-TERM, but at his core, he is the person that is going after her relentlessly. And even if it did work, she'll always be on guard for that pseudo-stalker personality that he has latent within him.

 

This is TOO much effort, energy, resources wasted on one girl.

 

He could chalk this one up to experience and start fresh with OTHER women.

 

I think that's a fair assessment. At this point my goal is twofold: 1) to remove my romantic interest for her and then 2) to get the friendship back on track (to where it was before I was romantically interested). You can never have enough close friends, right?

 

Just let her come back to you when she's had some space.

 

Maybe you don't realize it, but everything you are doing is ALL about YOU and what you want. She just got out of a relationship, and you're immediately jumping in and claiming you love her, not even giving her time to come to terms with the end of her relationship. She didn't even have time to breath before you jumped in and put her on the spot.

 

Wait for her to contact you. She's giving you the signals that she wants the space, but you're not listening, you're only thinking about what you want.

 

Now that I've taken a step back and been given a reality check, I realise this. The reason I posted this was twofold as well: I was worried I was ruining everything and I wanted to make sure I wasn't making her too uncomfortable. I know the past week or so I didn't realise what I was doing (I was too caught up in my emotions), but something clicked and I realised I needed to change my behavior.

[D-Lish]

I think that's a fair assessment. At this point my goal is twofold: 1) to remove my romantic interest for her and then 2) to get the friendship back on track (to where it was before I was romantically interested). You can never have enough close friends, right?

 

 

 

Now that I've taken a step back and been given a reality check, I realise this. The reason I posted this was twofold as well: I was worried I was ruining everything and I wanted to make sure I wasn't making her too uncomfortable. I know the past week or so I didn't realise what I was doing (I was too caught up in my emotions), but something clicked and I realised I needed to change my behavior.

 

If you want to get the friendship back on track, you just have to lie low.

 

When you're caught up in your own emotions, it's easy to make hasty choices. I think you saw the opportunity and just steam-rolled ahead without considering the larger picture.

 

You can repair the friendship if you just pull back and let her come back when she's ready. She's got a lot on her plate, she doesn't need the pressure of someone making declarations of love after a break up.

 

Just give her all the space she needs. When she does make contact, just remain calm, and don't mistake it for a way back in. Just be her friend and don't push for anything else.

[Confused100]

If you want to get the friendship back on track, you just have to lie low.

 

When you're caught up in your own emotions, it's easy to make hasty choices. I think you saw the opportunity and just steam-rolled ahead without considering the larger picture.

 

You can repair the friendship if you just pull back and let her come back when she's ready. She's got a lot on her plate, she doesn't need the pressure of someone making declarations of love after a break up.

 

Just give her all the space she needs. When she does make contact, just remain calm, and don't mistake it for a way back in. Just be her friend and don't push for anything else.

 

That sounds like something I can do. I do think I've already learned a lot from this whole situation. So, I can still take some positives out of this debacle, even though it's not exactly ideal for any of the parties involved.

 

That being said, I would like to resume some of the plans we had prior to me asking her out! For example, I need a workout buddy (I just don't have the motivation to do it alone) and we seem to go at a fairly similar pace which worked really well.

 

And she's always been really sweet and kind as a friend. I could always bounce ideas off of her and get advice. At this point, I would be happy to return to that and have a really good friend again.

[D-Lish]

That sounds like something I can do. I do think I've already learned a lot from this whole situation. So, I can still take some positives out of this debacle, even though it's not exactly ideal for any of the parties involved.

 

That being said, I would like to resume some of the plans we had prior to me asking her out! For example, I need a workout buddy (I just don't have the motivation to do it alone) and we seem to go at a fairly similar pace which worked really well.

 

And she's always been really sweet and kind as a friend. I could always bounce ideas off of her and get advice. At this point, I would be happy to return to that and have a really good friend again.

 

Of course you can, and you have.

 

It's good to learn while you are younger to take a step back and evaluate things before reacting in haste. It's also good to put yourself in the other person's shoes before reacting or acting.

 

In terms of the workout buddy, you can have that with anyone. Just because you want a workout buddy and she fits the bill doesn't mean you should push the arrangement. That's about you wanting her to fulfill your needs yet again!

 

I sense you approach things with an "I want, I need" approach. Think about what others want and need and put yourself in their shoes. You might find yourself taking different actions in the future.

[mixwell]

Dude OP you need to listen to the advice on here when we/they all say back off and you don't always have to reply.. I've been on LS since 2004 when I went through a break up of 7 years due to a LDR and was a mess but in restrospect everyone was right but no matter how much advice I received I didn't follow it and it bit me in the ass..

 

Bottom line is I'm still on here with advice for other women BUT this time i try to look @ it from a 3rd party perspective and when we're telling you to stop contacting this chick you would really improve your chances by not contacting her..

 

Here is why I ****ed up on the limited contact... I called my ex everyday and poured my heart out etc BUT at one point (towards the end of me communicating with the x) i decided to ignore some calls and even told her i had to go because i was going out and it really hit her.. I would HIGHLY advise not txting, calling, communicating with this for at least a week and see if she contacts you.. Actions do speak louder than words so if she cares about you enough she WILL take the time to make contact with you..

 

I know you probably won't take this advice but I guarantee you will look back and see that we were right... Hell I was in the same boat in 2004 thinking that people didn't know my situation and made excuses to contact my ex and thought that if i could legitimatly explain my feelings it would be an instant cure but in all reality you will only expose all of your cards and appear even more desperate which (while you dont intend to do ) will push this chick further away..

 

The one thing I REALLY wish you'd do is DO NOT CONTACT THIS CHICK FOR 1 WEEK !!! I would go as far as if she txts/calls you ignore it until the next day.. I know it is damn near impossible when your emotions are involved BUT if you can that it will actually help you..

 

Good luck and I hope you will REALLY try to listen to us.. If more than one person is suggesting the same thing don't you think we have some clue of what we're talking about ? Just try it man.. maybe delete her number to avoid temptations.

[Confused100]

Of course you can, and you have.

 

It's good to learn while you are younger to take a step back and evaluate things before reacting in haste. It's also good to put yourself in the other person's shoes before reacting or acting.

 

In terms of the workout buddy, you can have that with anyone. Just because you want a workout buddy and she fits the bill doesn't mean you should push the arrangement. That's about you wanting her to fulfill your needs yet again!

 

I sense you approach things with an "I want, I need" approach. Think about what others want and need and put yourself in their shoes. You might find yourself taking different actions in the future.

 

You're probably right. Let's assume I've gotten over my romantic feelings for her; does that mean it would still be impetuous to bring up the whole workout thing sometime down the road? About a month ago she was actually the one who invited me to workout and later she was the one who suggested we do it over the summer.

 

That sounds like good advice. I think at this point, I can chalk it up--at least partially--to emotional immaturity in relationships. I really haven't had a whole lot of experience in this stuff since I was very shy in high school and never put myself out there to take risks.

[mixwell]

 

That being said, I would like to resume some of the plans we had prior to me asking her out! For example, I need a workout buddy (I just don't have the motivation to do it alone) and we seem to go at a fairly similar pace which worked really well.

 

And she's always been really sweet and kind as a friend. I could always bounce ideas off of her and get advice. At this point, I would be happy to return to that and have a really good friend again.

 

Sorry to be harsh but I'm calling bull$hit on this because you are basically saying you will take what you can get in order to see this chick.. There is no plan.. You're interested in her and she isn't responding so you're playing the back off card which isn't how you REALLY feel in hopes to connect with her and possibly make something more than friends..

 

I may be wrong but this seems like something I would have said when I was younger and more naive.. Just back off, don't throw and ideas at this chick until she shows more interest (even as friends) and puts in more effort to communicate with you.. You can't fool me when you say that you're cool with being buddy buddy and she could be a workout buddy because we both know thats BS and that's not what your desired outcome would be so you shouldn't try to fool yourself..

 

Saying YOU need a workout buddy is a crutch and weak excuse to try to motivate yourself AND to get her to hang out with you. I can tell by my quoting you that you most likely will not follow any advice we've given because you will think we are talking our of our ass.. Sorry if I am being harsh dude but hell I was given the harsh, blunt answers and while I didn't like them, now that I look back, those people were right..

[Confused100]

Dude OP you need to listen to the advice on here when we/they all say back off and you don't always have to reply.. I've been on LS since 2004 when I went through a break up of 7 years due to a LDR and was a mess but in restrospect everyone was right but no matter how much advice I received I didn't follow it and it bit me in the ass..

 

Bottom line is I'm still on here with advice for other women BUT this time i try to look @ it from a 3rd party perspective and when we're telling you to stop contacting this chick you would really improve your chances by not contacting her..

 

Here is why I ****ed up on the limited contact... I called my ex everyday and poured my heart out etc BUT at one point (towards the end of me communicating with the x) i decided to ignore some calls and even told her i had to go because i was going out and it really hit her.. I would HIGHLY advise not txting, calling, communicating with this for at least a week and see if she contacts you.. Actions do speak louder than words so if she cares about you enough she WILL take the time to make contact with you..

 

I know you probably won't take this advice but I guarantee you will look back and see that we were right... Hell I was in the same boat in 2004 thinking that people didn't know my situation and made excuses to contact my ex and thought that if i could legitimatly explain my feelings it would be an instant cure but in all reality you will only expose all of your cards and appear even more desperate which (while you dont intend to do ) will push this chick further away..

 

The one thing I REALLY wish you'd do is DO NOT CONTACT THIS CHICK FOR 1 WEEK !!! I would go as far as if she txts/calls you ignore it until the next day.. I know it is damn near impossible when your emotions are involved BUT if you can that it will actually help you..

 

Good luck and I hope you will REALLY try to listen to us.. If more than one person is suggesting the same thing don't you think we have some clue of what we're talking about ? Just try it man.. maybe delete her number to avoid temptations.

 

Thanks a lot for the advice/input. I think I can equate all of this corroborating testimony to a nice blow to the cranium. It's taken a lot to look through my rose-colored glasses, but I think it's finally starting to sink in. ~One week it is. I have a lot of schoolwork, family gatherings, &c planned this week, so I think I'll probably have enough distractions to avoid the temptations..

[Confused100]

Sorry to be harsh but I'm calling bull$hit on this because you are basically saying you will take what you can get in order to see this chick.. There is no plan.. You're interested in her and she isn't responding so you're playing the back off card which isn't how you REALLY feel in hopes to connect with her and possibly make something more than friends..

 

I may be wrong but this seems like something I would have said when I was younger and more naive.. Just back off, don't throw and ideas at this chick until she shows more interest (even as friends) and puts in more effort to communicate with you.. You can't fool me when you say that you're cool with being buddy buddy and she could be a workout buddy because we both know thats BS and that's not what your desired outcome would be so you shouldn't try to fool yourself..

 

Saying YOU need a workout buddy is a crutch and weak excuse to try to motivate yourself AND to get her to hang out with you. I can tell by my quoting you that you most likely will not follow any advice we've given because you will think we are talking our of our ass.. Sorry if I am being harsh dude but hell I was given the harsh, blunt answers and while I didn't like them, now that I look back, those people were right..

 

You're probably right here as well. Once my feelings for her dissipate, I should have a much more objective look at the situation. Are you suggesting that I not articulate any such suggestions until 1) I've moved on and 2) the friendship is back to normal? Would meeting up for other reasons be acceptable, or do both 1 and 2 serve as necessary conditions before I do any of that?

 

Although I don't think I was deceiving myself in the latter part of the post. I do think it would be great to have another close confidant.

[D-Lish]

You're probably right. Let's assume I've gotten over my romantic feelings for her; does that mean it would still be impetuous to bring up the whole workout thing sometime down the road? About a month ago she was actually the one who invited me to workout and later she was the one who suggested we do it over the summer.

 

That sounds like good advice. I think at this point, I can chalk it up--at least partially--to emotional immaturity in relationships. I really haven't had a whole lot of experience in this stuff since I was very shy in high school and never put myself out there to take risks.

 

You can go back to that, sure. Just make sure you can handle hanging around with a girl you are in love with that doesn't return the sentiment.

 

Wait for her to give you the signal she's ready to start chatting again though- don't suggest it, play it cool from here on out.

 

Thanks a lot for the advice/input. I think I can equate all of this corroborating testimony to a nice blow to the cranium. It's taken a lot to look through my rose-colored glasses, but I think it's finally starting to sink in. ~One week it is. I have a lot of schoolwork, family gatherings, &c planned this week, so I think I'll probably have enough distractions to avoid the temptations..

 

Good man.

 

The hardest thing you will ever have to do in your young life is to ignore someone that you are head over heels for. You have to in this situation, you really do need to take a step back. Everytime you try and talk yourself out of ignoring her, think about what has been said here.

 

Mixwell is right too- if you really love this girl, being friends is going to be torture.

[mixwell]

No problem on the advice dude and being in a situation like you're in I do again aplogize for be harsh but damn bro it is spot on, even DLish (hell I think she even gave input to a problem i had before) but we are looking at it from a 3rd person view..

 

Check this out.. When my 7 year g/f and I broke up back in 2004, I was 21 and she was the only REAL relationship I had then, hell even now the only serious one but in asking my sister, mom, dad, grandma, bro in law they all said the same thing " stop contact her soo much and back off" but in my naive mode I thought "Oh they don't know my exact situation they're full of ish" but you know what bro ? They were right and when I tried my (pathetic hardest) I went like 2 days with no contact and the ex called and I employed (very hard to do at that stage) an i don't care attitude and I could tell a difference in her, almost like she was shook up..

 

After I moved back to CA (We broke up initially because i moved to AR) I remember at one point her calling me and i made it quick and said i had to go get ready because i was going out and she snapped and said "fine if you don't want to be friend just say so" but in retrospect what that showed me is by telling her i was busy and had a life and other plans the she (and i hate that it takes bullshiz to get to this) was that she got blown off from my usual sucking up to her) mode. In all honest AND if you can do it (if you can't I personally understand) I would really just not contact this chick at all.. If anything it will make her think "damn so and so usually contacts me once, twice whatever a day or every other day, why hasn't he contact me yet.. it will peak her curiousity.. This is not a tactic to win her over but if she is truely interested in you friend or not she will most likely contact you to see what's up.. The old saying curiousity killed the cat and if you make her curious she may just put in a tad of effort but AGAIN this by no means a sign she wants to be your girlfriend..

 

Sorry for the long reply but damn man I wish I could talk to you in person and maybe explain/reveal all of the crap I've went through but it is too much to type so I try to give you certain examples.. I don't know how old you are but personally I'm 27 and the BS I went through back in the day I was 21 so maybe you just need more real life experience but if you lack that dude we can give you the advice and if you follow it, eventually you will see as you get older that it makes sense...

 

Hell I see it now whereas before I thought everyone was full of crap and didn't know my situation and didn't have a clue.. haha I guess "with age comes wisdom" is kinda true.. hit me up with any questions/advice suggestions man, I am here for ya !!

[mixwell]

 

Mixwell is right too- if you really love this girl, being friends is going to be torture.

 

D- You're completely correct.. I admit I am in a similar boat where my ex of 7 years and I have reconnected like 8mths ago.. her b/f is in prison for life and we've been hanging out having fun but it's hard to read her in this situation.. Come to find out on this past Sat she says something about "my next b/f" and i say "what happened to the current" she says it ended 1 year ago BUT fills in that she is seeing someone as of the last "2 weeks" and im thinking WTF.. I may have gotten to attached in that we were just friends but I would still flirt with her, she invited me over for memorial day bbq and then the bombshell that she is seeing someone else now ?

 

This is it's own thread in itself and I know that IF she were interested in a 2nd chance with us she wouldn't be seeing someone else but I have all these thoughts/questions on a 2nd chance but who knows, she may have ONLY seen us as friends from the get go and maybe i was reading to much into it.. not try to steal the thread but This is a thread I posted which only got a few replies and I am kinda in limbo so to the OG poster, while me and DLish may give knowledgeable advice.

 

This piece here is how I feel and I am lost myself so don't feel bad for not knowing exactly how to respond and again you have feelings involved but if you can take the advice to gain knowledge it may may you more resiliant with your emotions.

[Confused100]

Some updates,

 

This morning, she texted me: "Hey what time do you have class today? I have a dr appt in the neighborhood and was thinking we could meet up and I could grab the stuff from you"

 

I decided to respond, but I played it 'aloof' and didn't do so right away. I said that I 'get out at 210 today' then asked when her appointment was.

 

She said at 230 and then said that she had to run some errands beforehand, so she'll let me know when she makes it to campus.

 

At around 210, she said she at location X. I walked over there and sat down. I hadn't realised that she was in her car instead of on foot. So she texted me "I'm in my car doofus!" (we tease each other a lot in those little dumb ways).

 

I walked over and gave her the stuff. She was very thankful and we chatted for a few minutes before she had to leave for her appointment. She seemed very friendly, was making jokes, was laughing, &c.

 

Does this reveal anything to you guys?

 

My guess is that I should stick with everyone's advice and continue to not initiate anything for the week, i.e. continue to give her space?

[Diezel]

She was being friendly.

 

That reveals NOTHING.

 

Let her initiate, give her space.......

 

 

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FIND OTHER WOMEN TO DATE?

[Confused100]

She was being friendly.

 

That reveals NOTHING.

 

Let her initiate, give her space.......

 

 

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FIND OTHER WOMEN TO DATE?

 

That's what I figured. Just wanted to make sure.... Definitely going to stick to that week+ of no initiating to give her space.

 

I don't know!!!!! Unfortunately nobody in my summer courses interests me.... so that greatly decreases my chances of finding others.

[Diezel]

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot that the only women left in the world existed solely in summer courses.

 

My bad.

[Confused100]

Of course not. I'm just doing the pre-med track right now and the classes consume a lot of my time. Coupled with all the reading/studying, volunteer work, I don't have a whole lot of free time.