TheGrimSweeper Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Ill post a summary of what happened: I was dating a girl for almost a year and a half. Everything was great we never had any fights in person really, our only arguments came over texting but for the most part was nothing big. We had talked about spending the rest of our lives together (wasn't until the one year mark really). We both really loved each other and still do. Im 23 and shes 20. Anyway she got really busy with school and February and we weren't able to hang out as much and it hurt the relationship. She said it was upsetting her because she never got to spend that much time with me cause she had so little free time and the time she did spend she felt she had to spend it with me and didn't get to see her friends that much. Anyway she broke it off for now, saying she wasn't ready for this and wanted time to find out who she is and what she wants. Shes afraid that it will continue to be like this for the remaining 2 years of University even though we had worked out a lot of the issues of why it had gone wrong. Meanwhile while shes doing this she tells me, I was the best boyfriend, that I was perfect and that she couldn't even imagine finding anyone else she'd be happier with, she just can't be in a relationship right now. She wants to just stay friends with me for now while she goes through all this. I at first said I wasnt sure if I wanted to just be friends, cause if she wanted to go and do stuff with other guys that there is no way I could. She said that wasn't her intention at all she just wants to be care free and slow things down, take it day by day. Anyway she guilted me into staying friends, I caved and did. Now its a few weeks later and it was her birthday the past week and shes basically just been drinking a lot of having parties with her friends, I dont know why she didnt before I never stopped her from doing it. But She somehow has all this time she didnt have before? Meanwhile she wants me to just be this friend "on the side" not part of any of that but do to things with her like go running at the lake, or go to the farmers market etc. Over the past few weeks I stopped talking to her and when she messaged me kept it very brief and stopped replying eventually. Last night she finally came out and said "you don't want to be friends do you". I told her flat out I'm not just going to be her friend on the side while she does all this stuff in the meantime. Its not fair to me to become that while your figuring out what you want not knowing whether or not will ever get back together again. She tells me again I was the best boyfriend and doesn't think its fair to be in a relationship cause she doesn't think she can dedicated the time to me for it and thinks I deserve better right now. If she really loved me that much you'd think she'd be willing to work this through? We discussed some of the things that we did wrong and how to improve them. Anyway she kinda tried to guilt me into staying friends with her again but I'm holding strong this time. She thinks if we can't be friends how could we ever date again. My opinion is different. If I just stay as her friend on the side and do these things with her then I don't see how will ever become more then friends again as I'll still be there and she won't miss anything. I eventually cut off contact with her, told her it was not possible to be friends. After 3 weeks of this, she starts messaging me all the time begging me to come talk to her, I blew it off the first couple times then eventually did. She was crying called herself an idiot, said sorry 10x, said she figured out I was the one and that she wants to make this work. She did this all in a really cute way through a scrapbook she made of us. I took her back cause I love her. but told her it can't happen again and if it does there won't be another chance. Anyway its been a month and a half since that and for the most part it has been going very well. Were technically seeing each other, but were not "official" cause we agreed to take it slow but I'm starting to see some worrying signs. I know for a fact this girl loves me but she says she wants to keep it unofficial for now, cause she still has some things to figure out. Shes terrified that what happen may happen again in the future and that's why she doesn't want to get back into it fully cause she doesn't want it to end. I was her first for a lot of things, first serious relationship, first (and only) person shes slept with and it scares her hat I may be the only one, even though she says she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. If your really in love with someone I don't see why this matters but I can understand it. She is planning on going into therapy to to get help with this stuff. I told her Im ok and can wait but if she plans on doing anything with other guys during this time were "unofficial" then I'm not going to be here anymore and I'm going to move on. Anyway we went out to the bar with a couple of her friends and some of mine. She ended up dancing with another guy, not grinding or anything. For the record I don't really mind if she does dance with other guys, as long as that's it. But I was hanging out with her all day yesterday and briefly looked at her phone once ( I know) and she has been texting this guy she danced with and has plans to meet up with him Saturday to watch a world cup game. She told me about this saying that she had plans to watch the game with a friend. So this is obviously a big warning sign for me. Meanwhile she still messages me first everyday and makes plans to see me all the time and all that, so its not like shes distancing herself from me. And when we hung out yesterday it was a really good and fun day, she was very affectionate and told me she loved me a few times. Im just very confused about her intentions and am starting to get the feeling that I shouldn't of taken her back.
brokendream Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 It sounds like she's very confused herself. I've no doubt that she loves you but it looks like she also wants to see what else or who else is available. She's young and probably feels that she's missing out on things especially since you are the only guy she slept with. Looks like she's stringing you along now while she sees what options she has. If it was me, I'd want all or nothing. Either you are in a committed relationship or you are single. She can't have her cake and eat it.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 I know and I feel the same way. I'm not going to do anything yet, I want to wait until she goes through with the therapy. But after another month or two of this I'm going to tell her she needs to make a decision on me, either completely or not at all. Is that fair?
hurt and devastated Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 You can't stay in limbo forever. Trying to go about your life with this constantly hanging over your head will start wearing on you very quickly. I would be wary of this other "friend". She could be testing the waters, or trying to sow some oats (sorry, bad analogy) before committing to you again. I may be way off base here, but just keep your eyes open. I'd hate to see you try again with her only to get your heart broken.
brokendream Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Yes it's fair to give it another couple of months so see how she gets on in therapy but I wouldn't wait any longer. I also agree with H&D that this date with the new guy doesn't seem entirely innocent. Just be careful there. It might be best to give her the ultimatum sooner rather than later.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 It is really hard right now and as much of a willpower as I have, I know I won't be able to do it for too much longer. I get the feeling shes doing this to almost make sure that I am "the one". When we talked Sunday she told me she wants to date me, and is crazy about me and wants to make this work but is just trying to figure out what it all means.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 She told me finally she fooled around with a guy while we were broken up. I had a suspicion she did. She says she never slept with him though and that he was just a rebound and meant nothing to her. For the record I had the opportunity too but never did cause I knew it would be exactly that. I'm not pissed that it happened, I'm pissed that she somehow thought it was ok to go ahead and do this, and still ask me to be her friend on the side, talk to me and msg me while this was happening and totally keep me in the dark about it. That's not right. I'm not too sure whats happened to her, shes become very selfish at times over the past few months and its not the girl I fell in love with... I gave her a choice that she needs to figure out by the end of the month whether were going to be completely together or not, cause it can't be like what we are now, where were dating but not "official" or what not. Its like were half dating, its stupid and I feel like I'm being jerked around. I told her that if she really wants me back to prove it to me cause she hasn't yet. She cried a ton during this and it broke my heart but I had to say it.
samspade Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I know for a fact this girl loves me but she says she wants to keep it unofficial for now, cause she still has some things to figure out. Ha, classic example of female words vs. action. She wanted to hop on another cock. "Fooled around" means slept with, whatever she says. When she becomes an ex, keep it that way. Walk away, don't look back.
ResetReality Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 (edited) wow, this is what happened to me, i was her first and stuff, think she wanted to find herself and wanted to explore abit more, but like you said, if she really loved you and you're 'THE ONE' what does that matter? i had the same bullcrap, difference is, when she wanted to be mates I said no, it would hurt me way too much, so here I am, going through NC and getting her out my life and if im being honest, its the best thing atm i told her.... "I want you as a girlfriend not a friend" why should you be demoted to just a friend? where is you're pride? STOP thinking about her feelings and think about YOU she want to me "friends" so she can ease the guilt and string you along while she figures out what she wants to do, and what are you going to do? stand there like a tw@t while you get front row seats to her exploring, when she said shes scared that you're the only one she'll sleep with??? WTF what does that tell you? She telling you that she loves you, she likes you, BUT its time for her to explore new things, meet new people, sleep with different men, and after the effect has worn off or after shes feels she has explored enough MAYBE she will come back to you. Look, its over for now, she knows where you live, she knows how to contact you, she knows where you are, DO NOT carry on in the friend zone! DO NOT accept demotion! give her all the space and time she needs, that what she wants right? so be it Harsh? Maybe The Truth? Absolutely Edited July 11, 2010 by ResetReality
EthanH Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Hi, I'm in a similar position. I agree with what most of the other posters have said, but rather than repeat what they have said, I want to add a few thoughts on your situation. You need to stop with the insecurity. I can understand why you are the way you are, but it is not helpful, to you, and most importantly to her. Until you found out about this guy, you didn't trust her, you knew there was something up. I have been in this exact situation, and I wish I could go back and do the opposite to what I did, I was insecure, I made excuses for her... I have to say, I didn't look at her phone as you did (which I think is really very wrong, if you didn't trust her that much, things were already very bad)...but in a way, if you think about things in hindsight, all those actions, it's almost like you are backing up her thoughts that her 'getting experience' is a reasonable idea. I do think you have come up against the classic problem of someone who dates someone who has never been with anyone before. And those who just refer to the experience as just sex are wrong, I have dated girls before who have slept with a good amount of guys before me, and they still needed to 'live their lives'... not because they wanted to sleep around, but because I was their first real relationship, they wanted to see if they would have some of the negative habits they had with me with another guy. As for the friends thing, I don't think, if one of a 'couple' is still 'all in'... friendship can ever work. And tbh, if she thought you were hooking up with someone else, I doubt she would be able to deal with that either. The situation you described was one where she felt that she could go and 'explore' and she could do that, she saw that as a viable option, as she KNEW if things went badly, she could run back to you. You were/are her safety net. and if you accept that, that is what you will become, there, reliable, someone to hug when she gets upset, someone to call when she is lonely, BUT NOT a guy she strives to be with, strives to impress, not the guy she wants to jump into bed with... friendship is important, my latest ex, the one I'm still very confused by, we were initially best friends, which makes it doubly difficult, and she broke up with me, and we did the whole 'let's take things slowly, unofficially'... and I think she really did consider getting back with me, but the problem was, there was no fear driving her thoughts/decisions, why would it be beneficial to make it 'official' today rather than leave things another week/weeks/month until she was 100% sure, and of course the longer she left things, the easier it was to put it off again. Until it got to the stage where being with someone who was happy with the minimum became unattractive, girls want guys to be guys, and if you accept less than you really want, it is your own fault when that is all you get, or less. Have more respect for yourself, you are a good catch, don't accept second best, but at the same time, understand that she isn't doing this because she is mean or a terrible person, she is doing it because she is inexperienced in relationships as for as long as she has that seed of doubt (I hate the human brain sometimes!) in her head, she will never be contented with things. If she realises she still likes you enough to fight for you, she knows where you live, leave her to come to that conclusion, as trying to persuade her/giving her time limits etc etc, will just give her more scope to mess you around. The only way these things work is if she comes to her own conclusions, if she does it as a result of you 'persuading' her, even indirectly, WHEN she has these doubts again, she will blame you... if you let her make her own choices, she won't have that excuse in the future... and not only that, she will respect you for accepting that sometimes, you have to accept things rather no matter how much you care.
cavedweller Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 TheGrimSweeper, It will never work. She is banging some other dude..You need to get rid of her.
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