Why Do I Even Care?

[HurtZ]

Please help if you can. It might save me hundreds in therapy bills.

I read so many stories of heartache on here from people who have had ten times more

emotional commitment than what is making my heart ache but it still hurts me so bad....

 

The story.

 

I started talking to this guy online. We talked almost every day for 8 years.

He never wanted to make a plan to meet. He wasn't really into meeting someone online,which I thought was fair.

I was drifting along in life, not really settled

anywhere so I applied for a really great job in his town and amazingly -- got it!

I was really excited though moving here was mainly for my job and for the fact I found a really great

school to finish my degree, there was always the hope in the back of my head that maybe we

would finally meet.

 

So I am here for about a month or so and Valentine's night he calls me and asks me to come over

and meet him. So I did, I was ecstatic- this was my great chance!! And how romantic meeting on

Valentine's night.

 

Well I ended up going over there and we ended up making love that night. I was really in heaven

it was like all my dreams were coming true. I didn't feel bad having sex so soon because I figured we had talked so

much online we had nothing much left to talk about!

 

So the next couple weeks we see each like 2-3 times a week. He goes on vacation and text me he misses me

and calls me twice from his vacation. He brought me back a small little gift.

After he gets back It was mostly either him coming over or me going over his house. We only went out to eat twice

and to a movie once.

 

Well, slowly but surely he gradually starts to become more unavailable. I try to make plans, he's working or

busy with something else. I start to lose hope, but I'm still going online and he's still txting me and msging

me and so I just figure that he got busy.

 

Well after a few weeks of that I start to think that he probably is into someone else or has lost interest.

Then-- about a month ago he calls me up late at night (somewhat drunk) and informs me he is coming over.

I tell him no but he says he is almost half way here. Well, I was kind of depressed that night over everything,

and my house was a mess, I was a mess, etc. but I"m kind of ecstatic he's coming over. I rush around picking stuff

up, trying to comb my hair, etc. etc.

 

He comes here and kisses me tells me he was stupid for not seeing me again, that he wants to do something the next day with me,

that he missed me. HE was really being so sweet and lovable and I fell for it, HARD. Of course we end up making love again.

 

The next day comes around he leaves early because he had plans with his parents. I say well let's do something the next day

so the next day comes along and he's "too tired" and "wants to be lazy" at home. I ask him if he wants to get lunch or something

the answer is he "just ate".

 

so I'm kind of ticked off by this but manage to stay somewhat cool-- I don't want to scare him off again.

Well, another weekend goes by no contact so I txt him kind of a mean email. I delete him from facebook.

Then I am so stupid I request him again and he doesn't accept the request.

 

SO--- last weekend he calls me up and we talk. He says he will call me Friday to make plans for Saturday.

I am stoked, here is my chance to win him back again!! Or just be close to him "one last time."

I was all excited Friday, went out and bought a sexy new outfit...Friday night comes and goes with no call.

Saturday morning/midday comes and goes with no call. I get online. He is online. He msgs me something about

some show or something stupid. I act like no big deal but say "thanks for calling me last night."

 

He says..."was I supposed to?" I'm like well you said you were. He says," I said I was going to call today, but I didn't."

This infuriates me, I immediately log off. Several hours later I txt him saying a bunch of crap to him that probably scared him off.

 

So we don't really talk. He msgs me online I just respond, but then last Wed. he msgs me to come over for a movie. I say no.

I call him a couple days later with my new number, he hasn't called or responded.

 

I text him last night that I cannot talk to him anymore if he continues to be like this, nothing mean, just basically pouring

my heart out to this man.

 

He hasn't even bothered to call and see how I am or check on me. I've decided to have NC but it's so hard after having him

in my life (even if just online) for so long. It feels like I lost not only a man but a friend. The saddest part is that

there was a guy who was really into me that I let go because of my feelings for this emotionally unavailable guy.

I secretly still have hope that he will call me or want to get back in touch once he realizes I'm not going online anymore..

thoughts...advice...help?

 

If you've read this far, thank you...

[monkeymaid]

he seems wishy washy, and is jerking you around.

 

ldr, or online realationships are largely in our heads. they are what we imagine them to be and not so much of what actually is. ...when you meet that person in real lifem the fantasy usually only lasts for a little while, then reality sets in. the relationship must withstand the turmoil of the here and now. ..no more dreaming (or daydreaming) of what might be, but the real lif situations that an everyday relationship must endure.

 

if hes not up for it, then you must move on or settle for wht he gives you.

 

 

if you want the opinion of just about everyone here, go nc and forget about him.

 

 

its really up to you. if you let him keep acting that way, then coming back every few weeks, keep responding, if not, then next the guy.

 

my apologies if this isnt what you want to hear. ....its just my take on what youve posted

[BiAxident]

It sounds like he is playing a game, stringing you along with affection and then recoiling. He could be withdrawing from you for many reasons (fear of commitment, another woman, something else entirely). Sufficed to say, eight years is a LONG time to chat with someone on line, so you must share some sort of connection.

 

Guys can be dense. He might have figured that, if you were sticking around, you were happy with the arrangement as it existed. On the other hand, people can be cruel; he may have kept you around for "booty calls" or to stroke his ego.

 

Assuming that you were clear in your recent texts to him, that you really laid it all out there and explained for feelings and the pain that he is causing you, I see no other choice but NC. He might come around again. If he does, make clear your stance that you don't want him as "friends with benefits", you don't want to see him for just one night, but that you want a committed relationship.

 

Still, as has already been mentioned, NC.

[callalilly]

he seems like he's been lukewarm all along--did I read correctly that it took him a MONTH to get together w you after you moved to his city? That seems very odd, given you talked almost every day when you were LD. He's just going to continue to break your heart if you let him...so don't let him...

[HurtZ]

Yes you read correctly..it took him a month...and he realized I was here. He even said he moved away to another city so I didn't realize he was here. He told me he said that because he was a bit freaked out I moved here but then he got over it and that's why he called me up on Valentine's night.

 

I guess I have built him up in my mind from our conversations online and he just really isn't that guy. I don't know why he gave me hope though by acting like he was interested and cared. He should have just kept me in the dark about where he was, maybe then I'd be happy now.

 

Thank you for the responses. I realize NC is my only option, it feels better hearing others confirm it though. Thanks.

[monkeymaid]

I guess I have built him up in my mind from our conversations online and he just really isn't that guy. I don't know why he gave me hope though by acting like he was interested and cared. He should have just kept me in the dark about where he was, maybe then I'd be happy now.

 

 

romantics tend to idealize situations. ...hopeless romantics idealize everything. ...as a hopeless romantic myself, i will admit that i cannot be swayed in my thoughts so easily once i have made the ideal and am convinced that it is filled and real.

 

you sound quite like me, when you imagine somehting you fall in love with it, when it becomes real, you fall more in love with it, when reality changes and it is not the way you pictured it, you fight with yourself and what ever has changed in order to fill your ideals once again.

 

i empathize with you and know this feeling you are going through. my ex never really filled my ideal, but i thought that she did so in essence my blinders were up and my imagination was running wild. now that i must see through real eyes, i fight it and have been for months. you my friend will get through this as i am, and the billions of other people who have ever lived have. you stay nc, love yourself, do for yourself anddont waste another minute on some asshat who led you on in an imaginary worldfor over 8 years. you deserve way more than that. i promise you that when you belive you deserve way morethan that, you will get way way more than that.

[IfiKnewThen]

I have been with someone for 10 years online. I am heart sick because he is acting worse than who you are with. we are 2000 miles apart. but when we got together he was awesome. and shockingly we havent been intimate for years because thats what i chose. long story. but he was still beyond attentive. and now i am longing so for him because we went from what i thought was strong to flat -0-. anyway on to you and your problem. i am going to say something here that may contradict everyone opinion. please let me know you got this post. here it is.

 

dont give up on him yet. have a meeting with him if you can. keep your cool till you meet in person with him. DONT (i REPEAT) DONT have sex with him under any circumstances. tell him hes been your best friend and love of your life. hold his hand if you will and ask him, if there is something troubling him and what you guys have to do to get closer. i had a friend who had a guy like this and it went on for 2 years like this. close..then aloof...on and off. and she just kept at it till she got some answers. you do NOT scream or curse or cry or yell. you speak softly and get him to trust you and meet in person and just merely ask him whats on his mind and how can you move forward. and then take it one day at a time. dont crowd him, but let him know you have boundaries. that you made the move to be closer to him but that he doesnt get to have you till you can relate on another level first. a higher level or trust and communication. my friend got her man to finally stop being afraid and to love and they are now married for 2 years. dont know yoru outcome but we live only once so you can try. if you spook him..or cant give him more than sex and stalking. then kiss this whole idea goodbye.

 

he might just be an a&& and nothing more and you may not be able to get through to him and may have to cut your losses and pray for healing from a higher power to get you feeling joy in your soul again. but you can try that suggestion first....

 

good luck.

[Ilovecake]

I’m sorry that you girls are feeling heartbroken but I have to ask. Why are you totally giving yourself over to complete strangers? How can you even think you are developing a relationship without ever meeting the person? You develop these heightened expectations of romance and these unrealistic attachments. Then the second you meet you jump in bed with this person and you wonder why they treat you like you’re just an easy piece of meat. I have not met a man yet that would respect a woman who so easily loses herself in him. Guys want independent, self assured women with well developed self esteems. When a woman gives too much and expects too little in return there is nothing to build a connection on. People need a little bit of a challenge or they lose interest very quickly. If you are always available and chasing them then what do they have to look forward to?

[brokenamy]

I’m sorry that you girls are feeling heartbroken but I have to ask. Why are you totally giving yourself over to complete strangers? How can you even think you are developing a relationship without ever meeting the person? You develop these heightened expectations of romance and these unrealistic attachments. Then the second you meet you jump in bed with this person and you wonder why they treat you like you’re just an easy piece of meat. I have not met a man yet that would respect a woman who so easily loses herself in him. Guys want independent, self assured women with well developed self esteems. When a woman gives too much and expects too little in return there is nothing to build a connection on. People need a little bit of a challenge or they lose interest very quickly. If you are always available and chasing them then what do they have to look forward to?

^^^ agreed^^^

[IfiKnewThen]

i agree i love cake with what you are saying. i met my man the first year of communicating online. we saw each other a few times a year after that for 10 years. he want a stranger. he became my best friend and was even there when my mom (who met him) was dying of cancer. sadly i was the one doing wrong by him. i was in a bad..practically loveless marriage. and yes i am ashamed of that fact. he accepted me for me and i got very sick along the way with a real bad disability and got very cranky and irritable and took the fact out on him (Gosh i sound horrid) that i was with a very nerve wracking practically ex in my own house. anyway, you are correct because he got tired (who wouldn't) after 10 years..not for the lack of intimacy...and not for the distance and disability...he got tired of me because of my poor defeatist attitude, and my lack of faith in him (which was really in my lack of self esteem in myself) and being a target for all my stress. i am losing the greatest guy ever. he was near a st. till i tainted it with my selfishness from feeling like i was sinking in my personal muck at home with disability and truly ended marriage. it was like i was drowning and he was my life raft and then i started trashing around and drowning him too. now all the things that seemed so insurmountable to me fade in comparison to him not being in my life. i was a fool plus had no real skills with the outside world anymore..and it showed. i love him dearly and i know we were a good match ..i just was allowing myself to stay in a bad place mentally even though my sweetheart was there to the rescue. i am so sad now i can hardly bare it and cant even express...how deep the sadness and pain goes. i keep praying to God to save me now because i feel so limp from my stupidity and losing him. i cant even jump on a plane and run to him because of my health issue. i cant fly or take a train and i dont drive. so i am soooooooooo lost. i was with a disabilioty when i met him then got hit with a worse disability wammy.

 

he always showed me love and then just 4 weeks ago...has been barely calling me. he just gives me mere reports of what he is doing..in his sudden busy life. i know he was a blessing from God in his own right, though we sinned. wow i am so ashamed just writing this. no one knows this story i have been keeping it in so long. but i was writing back to the original author of this post..to let them know...to try to not let it go till they fight for the relationship with a sane head...and heart and don't stalk and have sex. to try to make friends again and let things unfold. i do know someone who did this in a LDR and it saved them and they are married today. but it takes all the right circumstances and attitude. i wish i was more of a self assured person with my man. i let my won insecurity and madness get away with me and am paying the price with my heart and health dearly now. please keep me in your prayers..whoever prays out there.

[Ilovecake]

I'm very sorry that you are ill but I know people with disabilities so bad they couldn't even type on a message board yet their attitude is not half as bad as yours. The above post was one of the most self deprecating things I have read on this site. There is no way that your disability is stopping you from living the best life possible but if you choose to use it as an excuse not to build yourself up as a person then you will shrink like a wall flower.

 

Secondly you are telling a woman who has already wasted a decade of her life on a fantasy (no not even a fantasy because this guy made it more than clear that he had no desire to meet her) that she should give it more time. Not only did he not want to meet her and despite that she MOVES TO HIS TOWN but he also lied to her about living there because I’m sure he was completely freaked out, who wouldn’t be. No way in hell should she give it any more of her precious time on this planet. She should forget all about this person and make her own happiness. You know if you feel good about who you are then you can be perfectly happy in or out of a relationship and people will want to be around you more. However if you are a broken person who is constantly waiting for someone to save them then you will never be happy because nobody else can save you. You girls really need to do some serious counseling, whether with a therapist, through self help or talking to friends and family, because there are a lot of issues there that are leading you into these situations due to lack of self esteem. You girls are so afraid of being unlovable that you’re actually making yourselves unlovable. If you act like a victim people will victimize you. It’s not fair but that’s how it works.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again. i agree with you. hence the name if i knew then...

 

yes i lost it along the way. i took advantage of this guy. i am paying the price. i am no young person and i was in a bad state of mind hen imet him. i was transitioning and had unfinished business and let it bleed into my time with him. but you are correct. the only reason why i told her to ry is that he did come around a bit once...but maybe for all the wrong reasons. and she spooked him, moving there. but if she is sincere after talking with him for 8 years..(he had to know she was interested) and can step back now and approach him..or should i say let him approach her....then maybe if she communicates in a different manner this time...she can get some answers to move forward or have closure. but i was telling her not to demand, stalk, freakout....or have sex. and i still say its possible. but she might not even want him if she really got to communicate with him in person. but that now that shes there take another shot at it from another perspective and if that fails miserably like it possible could or not..then move on. move period

[HurtZ]

Just an update - I was reading this and thinking of this for awhile. It didn't turn out so well though. He ended up doing the same things, coming to see me, then recoiling his time and affection. This lasted for about another 2 months.

 

I'm not going to go into details but this is the gist of it - I ended up calling him on his **** of constantly putting me off and not wanting to do anything outside of watching tv at each others house and ****ing....he ended up taking a close "girl" friend to a wedding when he knew that I would have loved to went.

 

Last time I talked to him, I called him kind of emotional...he of course didn't really want to hear it. After we got off the phone I sent him a very nice email explaining my love for him for all these years and how much I expected things between us to be different. I certainly expressed in the nicest way possible at the time that I was unhappy with how he treated me.

 

I am now on vacation in California where I'm spending time with close friends...I guess you can say I'm on kind of a Sabattical. After all that happened, I was pissed. I had to get away from there. Far Far away. I quit talking to him completely and just relocated here temporarialy, but I have to go back soon because of school. He hasn't contacted me at all. I haven't contacted him at all. Except, I sent him a text message on his birthday which just said "Happy Birthday"

 

He texted back a very unresponsive "Thanks"

 

Then two weeks later I get a text from him saying maybe we should say hey every now and then. I texted back "I'd like that...Hey:)"

 

Then we didn't text for a week. I sent him a message, hey how are you...he texted me back very briefly and haven't heard from him in a week.

 

We never talk online anymore. It breaks my heart.

 

However, I am slowly starting to feel better about it. He must not hate me completely for sending him uncalled for emotional emails...so that makes me happy. I'll always love him, the heart wants what it wants. I miss those few moments we spent with each other but realize that we will never be together again. That makes my heartache, but I'm happy I got a chance to know him instead of wasting more time talking online. I miss him and probably always will for some reason. it's not anything I can explain really, especially considering how he has acted towards me I shouldn't feel this way. However, I feel smarter now and realize my mistakes along the way (rushing in too soon, being clingy and needy, etc.) I just loved him (and still love him) too ****ing much! if it's not love, i honestly don't know what love is then because my heart has never ached for someone so much in my life before...and yet, everything I did and how I handled everything has turned out all wrong. I wish I could get a "do over" of that time when we first met. But I cannot. There is perhaps someone out there for me, but if there isn't at least I did get to meet and hold the object of my affection for one brief moment in time.

 

I read once that unrequited love is never in vain, if the love is unreturned, it comes back to the sender and purifies their heart. I'll never apologize for loving. Take care.

[Bluebelle38]

Hi OP, I havent read all the replies because as soon as I read your thread I just had to post: Go out and get a book called Men who can't love. It saved my sanity.

 

In fact, google the title and Amazon and start reading the comments by readers.

 

I am three weeks no contact now and that book was my turning point.

 

This was never about you... I see that now and am well on the way to recovery.

 

xx