Not sure what to think

[Annie123]

Hi I'm new here. Would love to get any insight or advice.

 

I will try to keep it short. My boyfriend and I were together 3 years and the last year was long distance. We were doing great and were even talking about getting married in 2-3 years. I was getting ready to leave to spend the rest of the summer with him. He seemed really excited and was telling me about restaurants he wanted to take me to and little weekend trips he was planning.

 

The week before I was set to leave, he was acting a little distant. Not major, I figured he was stressed at work. I asked him about it and after some prodding on my part, he admitted he wanted to break up. The reasons he gave me didn't make sense. He refused to talk about it any more, said I was making things harder than they had to be and quit responding to my calls and texts.

 

I decided to send him one email asking for an explanation. He responded and, to sum the email up, he said he wasn't ready to get married yet. I wrote back saying that we weren't engaged yet, we weren't planning to be for another 2-3 years, and if that is still too fast we can talk about it. I am willing to slow down. I would rather have him in my life. I am in no rush to get married.

 

He never responded to that. I didn't try to contact him again so I guess we have been No Contact for 1 week now. The exception being I mailed him his stuff back. I included a note that said I was sorry for making things harder than they had to be and that he was probably right that it was for the best. I wished him well. The package isn't supposed to arrive for another week so he hasn't gotten it yet.

 

This has been so hard on me, especially because I don't think there was really anything worth breaking up over. We got along great, loved each other, laughed all the time, were compatible, and the reason for the split could have been fixed with one conversation.

 

Everyone I have talked to seems to think that his friends were talking or someone said something that freaked him out a little. Just one month ago he was telling me he had looked at some rings and a week ago he was telling me how excited he was to see me. Something must have happened to cause him to do a complete 180 on me in such a short amount of time! That is all speculation, of course.

 

I am going out with friends and staying busy, but he is still all I think about...

[sb129]

Annie, I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

 

You sound like a really nice level headed person, and its obviously come as a shock to you.

 

I obviously can't speak for your BF, but it does sound a little as if something has spooked him, but that is his problem, not yours.

Having no contact is hard, but its the best thing right now.

 

I don't have any groundbreaking advice I'm afraid- you are doing all the right things, and you are maintaining your dignity which is admirable given the circumstances.

 

There is a poster on here called StarGazer who recently had a similar story- BF was talking marriage and the week before she was due to move in he dropped a bombshell breakup.

You might get something out of reading her threads.

[Annie123]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.

 

It is really hard for me to move on from this. If it was just something that spooked him, I keep thinking that that will wear off. When that does, will he have a change of heart? Will he realize he left a perfectly good relationship that he was happy in? I try to tell myself that it is over. That I will never see or hear from him again. But it's that little voice in the back of my head that I can't get rid of that keeps wondering.

 

He didn't tell me he was unhappy with me. He didn't say he had fallen out of love with me. He didn't say I was clingy or needy or rude or any other number of reasons people break up. He just wasn't ready to get married, which isn't really a problem for me. That's hard for me to accept.

 

I found her threads. They are quite long, but I'll try to get through it. Thanks again!

[callalilly]

That must be so shocking and frustrating to have a relationship end like that with no real explanation. Do you think it had something to do with the separation that you had because of the long distance relationship? Maybe he had gotten used to the lifestyle & was worried about how you would fit in with that.

[Annie123]

I wasn't moving in permanently. Sorry if that was confusing. I was just coming to visit for a month and a half. Originally we were planning on me moving there after I graduated from college, which was just over a month ago, but he thought he might be getting deployed within the next year (Army). Neither of us wanted me to move across the country away from all my family and friends just for him to leave. So we both agreed that I would wait until he got back from his deployment to make the move. I actually got an internship in Florida that starts in August. I was going to spend the summer with him until then.

 

If the reason for the split had been the distance, I would understand a little better. I HATE the distance. As great as we were handling it, it was HARD. But he didn't say anything about that. All he said was he wasn't ready to get married yet and I'm sitting here thinking, "Ok... So what's the problem?!"

 

Saturday is my birthday. I know that NC is best but I am still hoping he uses it as an excuse to contact me. I really just want to talk to him about it. I felt like I was on that TV show from a few years ago, "You are the weakest link, GOODBYE!" and that is how our 3 years came to an end. With no more than that one short email that basically said he wasn't ready to get married. I wasn't even given the chance for any sort of closure! I spend most of my time scratching my head thinking, "So what just happened?"

[sb129]

What just happened is that the guy you THOUGHT loved and respected you just showed you that he is the one with weak links.

 

Honestly, he just showed a bad side to his personality to just pull the rug out from underneath you with no warning. It was spineless to say the least.

 

What just happened is that maybe you dodged a bullet.....?

 

Just a thought.

 

I hope you have a good birthday- you fully deserve to spoil yourself rotten.

Do you have any nice plans?

 

I would book myself a session at my local beauty parlour, treat myself to chocolate cake and have a nice bottle of champagne chilling in the fridge.

[callalilly]

Well, it really does seem to have come out of left field. It'a hard to believe he's being completely honest with you about the reasons, but even if you knew all the "real" reasons, the end result would be the same. I'm sorry for your pain, and I hope you can distract yourself w friends and family and have a good time on your b-day!

[boltsfan17]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm just as baffled as you are. That really makes no sense to just end a relationship like that with no problems or anything. Did you talk to him often about getting married? Like you said, maybe his friends started talking to him negatively about marriage and it freaked him out thinking about it. Either way though, that's not something you end a 3 year relationship over. He could have at least talked to you if he had any issues so you two could work things out. Maybe there are other things he's not telling you. Either way, I would give him space and not contact him for a while and keep yourself busy. Maybe in 3-4 weeks you can send him a short e-mail just saying you hope he's doing well and see if you get a response.

[spriggig]

Good move, sending back his stuff. Stay in No Contact and wait for it to arrive. IF he's just a little spooked, NC will give him time to settle down and think more clearly. When the box arrives it will be real, he'll think either "Wow, what have I done?" and MAYBE come crawling back or "Cool, there's that CD I thought I lost forever!"

 

Considering he was talking about rings and engagement just a week ago, it's unlikely (but not impossible) he's found someone else. There's a good chance he's just spooked.

 

Good luck.