BF saying negative things about me to another girl

June 28, 2010

I am inexplicably annoyed by a text message convo (he has an iPhone so I saw a chunk of the convo that was up on the screen) I saw on my BF's phone.

(I wasn't intentionally snooping, he left to walk the dog without shutting his alarm off one morning, so I did it and after I put in the code and canceled the alarm this was the screen that was up.)

Basically, he had texted this girl (who is apparently a co-worker but he's never mentioned her and I've never met her) asking what she was up to; she said whatever it was she was doing and asked him the same. He said he and I were having a bunch of people over for a BBQ and she should come, but don't tell her best friend (who is his ex evidently) that he's having a BBQ and don't invite her because "obviously my girl doesn't want my exes here".

Which is retarded, since another ex was invited to the BBQ and came for several hours.

I don't understand this, don't quite get why I'm so annoyed, except that it definitely stems from him putting a negative/jealous/controlling spin on ME when I had nothing to do with this decision about his ex, and because it's to another girl I don't know (I wouldn't be so irritated if it were a guy).

Thoughts?

Oh, I also think it's retarded that he would invite someone that he feels the need to ask her to lie to her best friend about. Seriously, is her presence at our party so important that he should be inviting her if it means he has to ask her to lie??!!

Edited June 28, 2010 by nixa

June 28, 2010

you shouldn't snoop because you may see something you don't want to. that was a private conversation. i'm sure you wouldn't want him to be snooping around in your affairs

June 28, 2010

you shouldn't snoop because you may see something you don't want to. that was a private conversation. i'm sure you wouldn't want him to be snooping around in your affairs

Obviously. If I wanted to snoop, or intended to snoop, I would have read the rest of the conversation, and/or his other texts. The name of his ex-gf caught my eye and I skimmed the page that was up. Right or wrong it's over and done with, I can't un-see it, and I'm annoyed. That message makes me feel like I should be snooping (or breaking up) because he says **** behind my back to other girls. He should be on MY side, not his own side.

On a side note, he knows that I know his code, and if he were trying to hide anything I'm sure he wouldn't leave his phone lying around. I know that he's not trying to be a douche.

June 28, 2010

He should be on MY side, not his own side.

if he was on his own side he'd be invitiing all his ex gfs to the party

June 28, 2010

I'm sorry, but I'm missing the part where he actually said anything negative about you.

June 28, 2010

I'm sorry, but I'm missing the part where he actually said anything negative about you.

Regardless of whether you agree it's negative, I think implying that I won't let him invite his ex-gfs to our party when he really wants to is negative. I feel insulted. Even if that were the truth I wouldn't want him saying that to anyone else. However, especially since it's not true, and he didn't want that ex at our place for reasons of his own (whatever those may be, I have no idea) I think it's even worse. If he doesn't want her there he either shouldn't invite her best friend, or he should own up to it, instead of putting it on me. I can almost guarantee the girl he was texting will be telling her best friend that I am the one who didn't want her there and they will be gossiping about me and our relationship.

June 28, 2010

I'm sorry, but I'm missing the part where he actually said anything negative about you.

I agree.

"obviously my girl doesn't want my exes here".

THIS can be interpreted as him being CONSIDERATE of your feelings and making sure that his exes don't randomly show up.

But, if you want to turn this into a negative and break up with him, go right ahead.

June 28, 2010

Seriously??

If some guy you met 1 year ago through his ex-gf, and you work in the same industry so have contact with maybe once every few months invites you to a party and says "But don't tell your best friend I'm having a party because my gf doesn't want her there" you're not going to go straight to your BEST FRIEND and gossip about what a jealous controlling bitch his current gf is?

His ex doesn't like me and isn't over him, and everyone knows this. Clearly the best friend is loyal to the ex and not my bf who is more of an acquaintance.

June 28, 2010

I know that he's not trying to be a douche.

If you love your bf, this is what you would be focusing on. If you love your bf, you would be giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Thinking about breaking up with him over this is shows that you are not giving him the benefit of the doubt. Why do you care so much what his ex thinks of you?

June 28, 2010

I understand why you are annoyed, but I do not think the message makes you look bad in any way.

Oh, I also think it's retarded that he would invite someone that he feels the need to ask her to lie to her best friend about. Seriously, is her presence at our party so important that he should be inviting her if it means he has to ask her to lie??!!

It's good that he is inviting her...

he might have never mentioned her, but he clearly is fine with her meeting you and seeing both of you as a couple, which I would find very reassuring.

Also...I do not think he asked her to lie. I see it more like a "let's avoid to make an embarassing blunder" thing. He informed her that if he did not invite the ex it is not a personal thing, it's just that he is in a relationship.

"my partner does not want exes around" is just much easier to grasp (probably because it is so common that it's almost given for granted in any relationship) than "I do not want to see my ex and i also am in a relationship and I'm unsure whether my partner would be happy with this". I think he meant well, really.

June 28, 2010

Seriously??

If some guy you met 1 year ago through his ex-gf, and you work in the same industry so have contact with maybe once every few months invites you to a party and says "But don't tell your best friend I'm having a party because my gf doesn't want her there" you're not going to go straight to your BEST FRIEND and gossip about what a jealous controlling bitch his current gf is?

His ex doesn't like me and isn't over him, and everyone knows this. Clearly the best friend is loyal to the ex and not my bf who is more of an acquaintance.

Don't ask for advice and then challenge comments because they aren't what you expect them to be.

I am NOT going to tell you what you want to hear.

He said to keep the ex's away. That's being CONSIDERATE. But you are so blinded by emotion that you aren't SEEING IT THAT WAY.

Who cares WHY he said it, the point is he said it and he is trying to be considerate of how you would feel if they went.

Jesus christ, this guy is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

You're worried about how those people will think of you??? You should be more worried about why your self-image is so important to other people that AREN'T your boyfriend.

I sit here and read other posts from people who catch their boyfriend CHEATING ON THEM. THEY have a right to complain.

I saw your post and saw NOTHING that would indicate foul play. Stop getting caught up on the specific wording and just be happy that he didn't want them there.

Now if he would have said something like: Don't invite her, even though I'd love to see her and hang out with her...

THEN you have a REAL problem

July 2, 2010

I was able to put my finger on the reason this situation bothered me so much. Partially it was as already stated, that I felt he was saying something negative about me to another girl. It also had to do with him lying about why the ex wasn't invited to the party, and the fact that he was such an idiot as to invite the ex's best friend and tell her not to the ex about it.

As a result of this situation BF's ex un-friended him on Facebook, and flipped out on him via email, where they went back and forth on this issue. As any normal person would have predicted, the best friend told the ex about the party and that she wasn't invited because the current girlfriend didn't want her there. Ex is furious that not only was she not invited, but her friends were, and they were told to lie to her about it.

BF insisted to her that he never told her friends not to tell her (a bold face lie), but it was more the tone of his responses to her that got under my skin, because it is exactly how he "handles" me, and it is by lying and misdirection.

July 2, 2010

I agree with nixa and would be upset, too.

Something is a little fishy, here.

He seems to be somewhat manipulative.

He seems to be someone who is not necessarily a loyal partner. I would put it out there and ask him what he expects to gain from his manipulative behavior.

July 2, 2010

flipped out on him via email, where they went back and forth on this issue.

LOL how old are all of you 15 ? You are dating a guy that argues with girls back n forth on email ?

NIXA take a poll and ask every female in the country if they would want their mans ex gf's at their bbq.

How many said "No I wouldn't want my mans ex at the bbq ?"

There you go, that's why your man said "obviously she wont want her here"

As a result of this situation BF's ex un-friended him on Facebook

How is that a bad thing ?

This cracks me up, this girl is flipping out because her mans ex gf doesnt wanna talk to him anymore

I understand that you dont want the blame on you, you dont want all the girls thinking you are the bitch thats behind this, but who cares ? Do you think you can really solve anything by freaking out over it ?

.

Edited July 2, 2010 by Serenitynow

July 2, 2010

LOL how old are all of you 15 ? You are dating a guy that argues with girls back n forth on email ?

NIXA take a poll and ask every female in the country if they would want their mans ex gf's at their bbq.

How many said "No I wouldn't want my mans ex at the bbq ?"

There you go, that's why your man said "obviously she wont want her here"

How is that a bad thing ?

This cracks me up, this girl is flipping out because her mans ex gf doesnt wanna talk to him anymore

I understand that you dont want the blame on you, you dont want all the girls thinking you are the bitch thats behind this, but who cares ? Do you think you can really solve anything by freaking out over it ?

.

Unfortunately, a lot of people are "friends" with their exes now. I think you missed several of the points made in her posts, such as where she said another ex was invited and in attendance.

OP I get what your problem is. He's manipulative, and he lies for no apparent reason, or to make himself look better or feel better. What are you going to do about it? It sounds like he's one of those people who desperately needs to be liked by everyone.

July 2, 2010

he's one of those people who desperately needs to be liked by everyone

I can safely say, and very glad, that I am not one of them

People like that really annoy me, and I usually call them out on it when I see it

But I understand what you mean. Some people play both sides of the fence with everything they do

.

July 2, 2010

you shouldn't snoop because you may see something you don't want to. that was a private conversation. i'm sure you wouldn't want him to be snooping around in your affairs

That's about the size of it. All this texting and Facebook and what have you has opened a world of "sneakery". This is usually followed by "find-outery". Oh for the days when people just kept their virtual mouths shut and didn't get into channels that cause mistrust.

July 2, 2010

I was able to put my finger on the reason this situation bothered me so much. Partially it was as already stated, that I felt he was saying something negative about me to another girl. It also had to do with him lying about why the ex wasn't invited to the party, and the fact that he was such an idiot as to invite the ex's best friend and tell her not to the ex about it.

As a result of this situation BF's ex un-friended him on Facebook, and flipped out on him via email, where they went back and forth on this issue. As any normal person would have predicted, the best friend told the ex about the party and that she wasn't invited because the current girlfriend didn't want her there. Ex is furious that not only was she not invited, but her friends were, and they were told to lie to her about it.

BF insisted to her that he never told her friends not to tell her (a bold face lie), but it was more the tone of his responses to her that got under my skin, because it is exactly how he "handles" me, and it is by lying and misdirection.

Im guessing your all in your early 20s? I sort of see your original point bf said something you felt was unrespectful fair enough but best way to deal with that ive learned is to confront him not let it stew until your really pissed off!

That said I think theres just to much drama all around here who cares about exes? he dident invite her bonus! You honestly want the ex around anyways?

Yea to much drama seams people feed on it now a days must be all the reality tv lol..

July 2, 2010

I think some people are really missing the point Nixa is trying to make.

Nixa, IMO it's understandable that you would be a little shaken by the initial txt you saw. A lot of it was gray area, and as others have pointed out, could have gone either way, could have been interpreted as him attempting to be considerate of your feelings.

However, since an entirely different ex was going to be at the BBQ anyway and you apparently had no issue with that, it does seem odd that he cast this second ex in a different role and got secretive about her when he was not secretive about the other. My guess is that yes, he didn't want to see her, and blamed it on you. I could dismiss that as a white lie, he took the easy way out...but yes, it got shady when he asked her best friend to hide things from her, IMO. Who asks other people to lie for them, as a matter of course? It's a red flag.

It seems to me that Nixa is just direct, a quality a lot of men say they wish they found in more women. I am direct too, and I would much rather have two of my husband's exes at our barbecue with everyone on the up-and-up than find out he'd been working behind my back at some arrangement trying to keep everything smooth for himself while keeping multiple people half in the dark (his current, his ex). She wants a guy who'll say "Hey babe I'm planning to invite this girl I'm friends with from work, and she might end up bringing along X, is that okay with you?" rather than a guy who engages in subterfuge. I really fail to see why this is something some posters see as worthing of berating.

As Nixa mentioned in the follow-up he is a handler, further evidenced as he continues to lie to all the women involved in the needless little drama he himself created. He handles things to try to keep everything optimal for himself, keeping his relationships smooth by half-truthing anywhere he anticipates trouble. It's subtle manipulation. A lot of people are like this, and it doesn't mean he's a horrible person at his core, but it could definitely mean he's incompatible with a woman who prefers bare-bones honesty and the ugly truth at all times.

That being said if Nixa really wants total disclosure, she has to give it back. Nixa, did you tell him you saw the text message? How exactly are you privy to this email fight?

Edited July 2, 2010 by Stung

July 2, 2010

further evidenced as he continues to lie to all the women involved in the needless little drama he himself created. He handles things to try to keep everything optimal for himself, keeping his relationships smooth by half-truthing anywhere he anticipates trouble. It's subtle manipulation.

Thats a good way to put it

And Im sure thats why he has no problems meeting women,

unfortunately its also the reason he has multiple ex gf's

But at the same time, this type of personality he has, is what initially attracts the women to him, until they realize that its all a facade.

.

July 2, 2010

WOW, so much drama!! His ex got pissed because she wasn't invited over for a bbq? Seriously?? Why WOULD she be invited? She's his ex for heaven's sake! Why is she even still in his life?

If some guy you met 1 year ago through his ex-gf, and you work in the same industry so have contact with maybe once every few months invites you to a party and says "But don't tell your best friend I'm having a party because my gf doesn't want her there" you're not going to go straight to your BEST FRIEND and gossip about what a jealous controlling bitch his current gf is?

If I wanted to stir up unnecessary trouble & drama, that's exactly what I'd do. But as an adult, I would think to myself "well, duh, of course his new GF doesn't want his ex there. Who would?" and I would understand and not say anything.

Also, I don't think that your BF's message to her was negative about you. It's not like he said "Man, I really want my ex to come, but i know that my psycho GF will freak out if she shows up!! So just don't mention it to her. I don't want my GF to get all crazy and bitch me out.." He just said "obviously my GF doesn't want my ex there," which sounds like common sense & common courtesy to me.

But I do agree with Stung that he should have just gone to you, and not had any part in all of this ridiculous drama himself. (Seriously, he and his ex fight with each other over email?? Come on!)

July 8, 2010

That being said if Nixa really wants total disclosure, she has to give it back. Nixa, did you tell him you saw the text message? How exactly are you privy to this email fight?

Stung, your post pretty much summed it all up very nicely - thanks. It helped clarify things for me a little bit also.

I didn't initially tell him that I had seen the text message. I wasn't really clear on exactly why it bothered me, and I didn't want to get caught up in a discussion about me being jealous about the other girl or anything like that, as that isn't/wasn't my issue.

One day I was on Facebook and noticed that my BF was no longer "friends" with this particular ex, so I asked him if they had a fight or something (since I know that they are "friends" and talk, and it wasn't possible for one of them to randomly decide to delete the other person because they don't have contact any longer). He said that she was mad and had created drama over the party. I kind of insisted that I wanted to see the emails, so he showed me. I told him that I had seen the text and knew he lied to her...he changed the password on his cell phone, and that's about the end of it as far as he is concerned.

July 8, 2010

he changed the password on his cell phone, and that's about the end of it as far as he is concerned.

Good for him.

July 8, 2010

Good for him.

I don't understand why you're such a nasty person. Your comment has nothing to do with anything. If the issue was that I knew his code and checked his phone I could've seen ALL his texts ALL his phone calls and ALL his emails and Facebook messages without asking him to show me anything.

July 8, 2010

I don't understand why you're such a nasty person. Your comment has nothing to do with anything. If the issue was that I knew his code and checked his phone I could've seen ALL his texts ALL his phone calls and ALL his emails and Facebook messages without asking him to show me anything.

Just like the advice and POV we'd given you days ago, my comment clearly went over your head.

Keep your insults to yourself, sweetie.

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