Engadget Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 (edited) I have to make a change, because I must be attracted to the crazy in the beginning until everything falls apart due to their craziness. I had misgivings about this girl from the start, but as it had been a while since I was involved with anyone I went with it. Bad idea. To recap: Girl I was seeing pursued me, wanted sex I gave in and that's all it was really about. We held hands, kissed and she talked about dating but I honestly wouldn't have dated her. She was a bit nutty and was nagging me about things a week into meeting her and talking about having kids (!). Yes, red flags abound I know. However I kept going back for the sex and we talked and said if either of us met someone, it would stop. Well today she says she hung out with some guy, I asked if they were getting involved and she said maybe. So I basically said that would probably be it, I'm still dealing with my own issues with my ex of 6 years and don't want to become jealous or anything like that. She seemed to agree and everything was okay until I said I wouldn't talk about anything we spoke of in confidence to each other since we have mutual friends. She said "Maybe I will...you scared I'll tell everyone everything?" out of nowhere. Now, SHE'S seeing someone else and agreed not to see me. The stuff we talked about was stuff neither of us really want a lot of people knowing on both sides, so I have no idea why she'd do this. I'm not that type of person, and the stuff she told me is pretty serious, and it would never be my place to tell anyone what she said. I guess I don't understand why she'd act vindictive like this out of the blue when I did nothing but suggest we shouldn't have sex because she's starting to see someone. Edited June 28, 2010 by Engadget
Ronni_W Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Well. She hasn't acted vindictively (yet). You exposed your own 'hot button' and she pushed it, is all that's happened (so far.) I'd suggest just leave it and hopefully it will die its own natural death. If she brings it up again, just go, "Nah...I don't give a crap about my crap. It was YOU I was thinking about protecting. But I get that you don't care about that, so it's cool." And just stick with that. (Do NOT confirm for her that this really is a hot-button issue for you.) As for your pattern of "always attracting crazy" -- maybe the lesson is to start listening more closely to your own 'inner voice' or 'higher mind' or whatever you call that part of you that warns you and causes you to have misgivings? In this case, it sounds like you let yourself talk yourself out of your misgivings and into a bad situation by using some bogus "rationale" about not having been involved with someone -- you ignored your own wise counsel and good advice, and shut-down your discernment faculty. If you can trace a similar pattern with any/all other "crazies"...then maybe this is what it's all about; what they've all been 'attracted' to help you learn about yourself?
Author Engadget Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 All good advice Ronni. We talked tonight and she explained how she was looking for other people and we were only a fling, which is fine. Thing is, even though I knew this it still bothers me and I can't quite figure out why. Maybe it's because she's the only girl I allowed myself to get close to at all since my breakup besides a couple one night stands, I don't know. So I guess taking that away sucks, and it bothers me and I let myself open up too much which isn't like me. Perhaps the loneliness got the better of me and I let my guard down, it won't happen again though.
Ronni_W Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 E, You're making total sense to me. It's reminding me of something someone said to me, not that long ago. "There's a HUGE difference between making yourself emotionally vulnerable and allowing yourself to be emotionally intimate." With hindsight, I must have been expressing similar sentiments as to those being expressed by you. I think we need to look at our own choices of who we "open up" to and "let our guard down" with. You knew it wasn't a good idea to do that with this girl before you did it. That is, you chose to make yourself vulnerable rather than the alternative: learn how to 'be with' your feelings of loneliness. Nothing "wrong" with the choice, in and of itself. But then we're still left with the self-responsibility to also use our discernment/best judgment when selecting the people with whom we do decide to get close -- if we do have misgivings from the get-go, it's highly unlikely that we are going to have positive-happy outcomes with them. It's tough to, on our own, "fill up" that void, that pit of inner emptiness that we call 'loneliness' or 'disconnectedness' or 'a sense of not belonging' or 'feeling alienated'. (To me, the words all speak to the same or a very similar internal state.) We try to do it with alcohol, or drugs, or shopping, or praying/meditating, or going to the gym...or by consistently choosing mates that just are not best-suited for us. Regardless of how we try to do it, it's that our own addictive pattern of behaviour ("maladaptive coping strategy") just causes us to feel emptier and emptier over time, which causes us to become more and more jaded, and more and more fearful of genuine emotional intimacy. I've been caught up in the same unrewarding, unfulfilling cycle. I don't particularly have answers or solutions. For myself, I've decided that I might as well start working through my feelings of disconnectedness/alienation...and hopefully start to generate some better outcomes for myself that way. I do wish for you that your own answers and solutions will start to reveal themselves to you. Hugs and best.
Author Engadget Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 I wish I knew how to separate being vulnerable and being intimate. To me those two things have always been the same, so perhaps that's the root of the problem. Choosing mates that aren't suited for us, yeah that's me for sure! I need a well-adjusted, smart woman and I seem to always run into the ones that just seem like they operate on a different mental wavelength or are downright batty. It's tough for me to take a vow of not dating/celibacy because the loneliness or the sexual urges usually seem to take hold and push me towards someone, and I go with it. The best thing for me at this point in my life is to remain utterly single and not bother at all, because I have tons of things to work on in my personal life before I'm in a position to truly date someone.
Ronni_W Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 It's tough for me to take a vow of not dating/celibacy because the loneliness or the sexual urges usually seem to take hold and push me towards someone, and I go with it. The best thing for me at this point in my life is to remain utterly single Or you can just make a commitment to yourself to exercise more self-control over what and to whom you reveal, about your 'deeper self' -- past experiences, fears, weaknesses, outrageous dreams, etc. And yes...keep doing the self-examinations, and growth and development work. Pretty much where I am, too.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 The thing is you went about getting intimacy in all the wrong ways. If you had avoided someone whom you had similar friends with, it would have saved you any disruption in your social life. You already knew this girl was a little crazy especially when she started pushing kids on ya. Sometimes you just have to say no to sex to avoid the drama. E, given your avoidance to pursue a healthier relationship, maybe you could just settle for a complete stranger that comes in for the sex and leaves right afterwards.
Author Engadget Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 Perhaps she was gauging your response to her revelation about "seeing someone" and was hoping you wouldn't like it and THAT is what pissed her off. You really have to avoid the crazies. They can make your life miserable. You need to find a gal who isn't uptight and knows how to have a good time but also maintains stable emotions and a stable life. I thought about her using it as a test, and while it's possible I don't think that was her aim, but it could be. I told her I wasn't cool with it because it spelled the end of us being more than friends and she said "Well we were just hooking up, you shouldn't be bothered". I couldn't really explain what I was getting at though.
Green Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Its called date women you LIKE... Seems like you just date who ever seems willing. Oh and don't feel sorry for yourself in this manner... this is what women say. (because women have to date or turn down who ever asks them out... U AS A MAN can go after who ever u want)
Joe Normal Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 If you had avoided someone whom you had similar friends with, it would have saved you any disruption in your social life. You already knew this girl was a little crazy especially when she started pushing kids on ya. Sometimes you just have to say no to sex to avoid the drama. Exactly. If you want no strings sex, find a stranger, not someone in your social circle. Because really, there is no such thing as no strings sex. Don't poop where you eat. Don't sleep with people you don't trust - or can't get rid of in a hurry.
jenifer1972 Posted July 3, 2010 Posted July 3, 2010 Half the people in this world are unstable and nutty. You have to ferret this out before you sleep with them and spill your secrets... Told ya she'd act like a bunny boiler...
Author Engadget Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 As an update, she's contacting me again and is seeing someone although they're not dating. Apparently I made an impression because she has vowed not to have sex with the guy she's seeing for a while, since she did with me on day one (because she wanted to) and feels like ruined things between us. She's pretty much right too, as I made my feelings known on that sort of thing. She wants to see me again and we talked, she wants to have sex with me but doesn't want to ruin things with the new guy. Since I'm stupid I'm actually debating hanging out with her again, mostly because I'm lonely and not willing to try and meet anyone else at this point. She even said she doesn't know if she could hold back from pouncing on me, so she's not sure if hanging out is the best idea. I love the situations I get myself involved in. They baffle even me.
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 As an update, she's contacting me again and is seeing someone although they're not dating. Apparently I made an impression because she has vowed not to have sex with the guy she's seeing for a while, since she did with me on day one (because she wanted to) and feels like ruined things between us. She's pretty much right too, as I made my feelings known on that sort of thing. For sure, I'd totally take her word for it that she's not banging the new guy... You have sure spent a lot of time and energy posting about a girl that doesn't mean anything to you.
Author Engadget Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 For sure, I'd totally take her word for it that she's not banging the new guy... You have sure spent a lot of time and energy posting about a girl that doesn't mean anything to you. I'm bored and have nothing else to do, and I do believe her because she would just tell me straight out if she did. She's pretty brutally honest, for better or worse.
jenifer1972 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 Yeah,,,..this is kind of like watching an accident about to happen in slow motion... What...you still have more secrets you want your friends to know about? Essentially she was kinda blackmailing you - "watch out, I know your secrets" kind of thing... Perhaps you grew up with drama and so tend to seek it because it feels familiar? You definitely are drawn to these dramas like a moth to flames..
Rifareal Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 wow what a thread! the title caught my attention. seems you are not the only one running into crazy women. i had my share some 2 years ago. she asked me to go to her since she was living in asia. so stupid me, i dropped everything, sold some of my stuff and decided to go to here. what i did not know was that she was a mental case. good thing i had the resources to come back and that was a harrowing experience!
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