Fight with close friend

[Ashbash11]

So.. I normally post on the long distance relationship board, but I am moving to be with my SO (yay!!) Speaking of my moving.... I am in a pretty big fight with one of my supposed "best friends" and it's related to my moving. I feel like I am too absorbed in it to see the big picture.. I need some outside views on this situation.

 

In a month, I will be moving 3,000 miles away to California, to be with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. We are very much in love, and I've been planning this move for a long time. This particular friend has never seemed to approve of my moving. She's young (only 21) and she's never had a boyfriend or any kind of romantic relationship. Recently, we talked about me moving, and she had a very negative reaction. She basically told me that I really need to "think" about this, and that I am making a "mistake" by moving to CA. She is the ONLY one of all of my friends to have this reaction. She never once said, "oh, I am so happy for you! I'm sure you'll love it." She never said ANYTHING positive..... It really hurt me.

 

So then.. I get an email from her today that says this:

 

"I think that the issue is that you, in your heart, know that you are

making a mistake, and although you may have thought about it

"carefully," as you try to reassure me (but are really trying to

reassure yourself), you are projecting your self-doubt on me. I do not

appreciate this, especially since I have been very supportive to you

over the years, especially when you were going through your difficult

grad school years. Particularly during the past year, I have listened

to you, I have endured your endless complaining about Boston, and I

have been a reliable person to whom you have voiced these concerns.

There was often an extremely unequal dynamic between us; that is, I

felt that at times you were sort of using me as a sounding board to

voice your miseries and taking very little effort actually to be my

friend. At times, it did not feel like a friendship.

 

I am sorry that you believe that I was "judgmental", and "mean," but

the fact of the matter is, if you were so sure of yourself and have

gotten behind your own choice, my supposed "reaction" (which was NOT

what you have described, since again, I said NOTHING of the sort when

you announced you were moving) would not bother you. What I suggest

you do, is do some thinking...why are you angry at me? Is it

really because of me, or because of the choices you have made? I

really, really suggest that you work out your OWN feelings of

self-doubt, and I am telling you this not to be mean, but as a friend.

It's self-destructive to go through life blaming other people for your

own choices issues; all this does is alienate the people around you,

thereby making you a more isolated and doubtful person. It's a vicious

cycle, and needs to be addressed before it gets worse. You may be

moving to a new place, but I really advise you to get some help once

you get out there...it may help you with this huge transition. The

sooner your stop relying on other people for external approval, the

better."

 

I can't figure out if there is actual TRUTH to what she's saying, or if she is just angry that I am moving away and lashing out? I think part of it stems from the fact that she will miss me, and she doesn't know how to express it. But.. I really don't know. What do you all think? Should I remain friends with this girl after I move?

 

Sorry so long.

AB

[Taramere]

If she wasn't happy about the times she's acted as your sounding board, that would be something for her to let you know about in a different context. As it is, the inordinate input she's attempting to have in this decision you make suggests to me that she's actually more than happy to be your sounding board....provided you take her advice.

 

Who knows how this friendship will pan out? I would suggest, however, that you might want to think carefully about taking advice from her in the future. The combination of rebukes and psychoanalysis in the email suggests that she would like to be counsellor extraordinaire, but that at this point she lacks the emotional maturity to be taking on such a role.

 

I don't think you should tell her that, however, as it would achieve nothing positive. Probably better just to be a bit on your guard with her in future, if you're going to stay in touch.

[vintagecat]

Possibly a little truth to both points of view but in my years on this planet I have observed that people often either distance themselves from or actually pick fights with people that they know that they will part from in order to deal with the separation issues beforehand. Looks like this may be the case here.

 

Just go with your gut. Do what it is that you feel you need to do and ask her to please withhold judgement for the sake of the friendship down the road, however it may evolve with the distance.

 

It sounds like she is fairly dependent on you (as you were apparently once on her) and she is having a hard time with the the thought of you leaving her for good, having few other suitable alternatives (no boyfriend etc.) for herself.

 

Good luck to you on your move. Personally I love California, northern CA especially.

[blueyedgrl85]

Your friend sounds overly critical and quite the "Negative Nancy." I also think she's being self-absorbed by making it seem like she was there for you and now that you're moving, you won't be there for her. (ie: She's trying to guilt trip you in to staying.) Dig a little deeper and it comes down to her being worried about losing you and love can be a selfish thing. (Even if it's between friends.)

 

Focus on yourself now and your move. If it's meant to be, you two will find ways to keep in touch. (E-mails, webcam, snail mail, etc.) Otherwise you'll meet new people in Cali and will have a wonderful new chapter to start in your life! All the best!

[Ashbash11]

Thank you for taking the time to read this and responding, guys. Taramere: I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that she is attempting to be my "counselor", but she lacks the emotional maturity to do so.. I wholeheartedly agree with this. She is very young, and naive, in my opinion. She has not experienced life to a point where she can give valuable advice to someone... Her email was very hurtful though, because I feel that I have been an equally good friend to her. eg, been her "sounding board" when she was having problems with her roommate, etc.

 

It all seemed very unfair to me. I think there is some underlying issue underneath all of this. I know for sure that she does not condone my decision to move to be with my boyfriend. She never has, and continues not to. I am still at a loss for what to do.. I am considering ending the friendship.

[MichaelHerry]

There is a saying that if you want to destroy yourself then tell each and every thing about yourself to another person.Same is here that a close friend knows all the things that you have shared with him because he can never tell a lie so all the things are truth so its easy for him to destroy you.That's why avoid from fight otherwise it will be dangerous.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I can't figure out if there is actual TRUTH to what she's saying

 

 

...... I can

[Ashbash11]

...... I can

 

 

Please, SincereOnlineGuy, enlighten me!

[Ashbash11]

Thank you to the first few posters for taking the time to thoughtfully respond.

 

The "life is a mirror" phrase is very creative. However, what I was really asking was how to handle this situation, more than "do you think that I am at fault here, and I need to work on my issues?" I admit that I am not a perfect friend, but neither is this girl I was referring to in my post... things are at a standstill with her at the moment. I suggested speaking on the phone, rather than in emails, but she's been "stressed out" with a new job, and we haven't been able to find the time to talk.. I guess I'm just wondering if I should l leave it alone and move on, or keep trying.... We have been friends for about 4 years, and we've been pretty close... However, I feel that we have both changed as people, and maybe we have been growing apart without realizing it.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

To much drama move on you have a new relashionship and life to look foward to who knows maybe shes even a bit jealous she sounds a little flaky and preachy anyways.

[Lipsy10]

'there are three sides to every story. Your side, my side and the truth.'

 

Your friend probably believes everything she's saying is true. Thats just her point of view. You have your own point of view and thats the only one that matters. She's obviously angry that your leaving her but you've got to live your life. Send her an email saying you've valued her friendship over the years and just because your moving doesn't mean you can't keep in touch - email, facebook, phone etc. Then leave it at that don't let her drag you into a big fight.

 

Just curious when you were "using her as a soundboard" did you discuss any fights or problems you were having with you SO??

 

I have an imature friend who's never had a long term relationship so she doesn't understand how they work. For example my man and I had a fight while she was there one day and she was convinced we were breaking up. She couldn't understand that sometimes couples fight but they get over it and are still happier then ever together.

 

If you've told her some negative stuff about your SO/relationship she probably thinks these things are a much bigger deal than you do and thats why she thinks its a big mistake, like - How can she move to cali when they are always fighting, it'll never work!?! Maybe she doesn't understand adult relationships, maybe:confused:

[qtegirl]

I think it's a little of both. You are both right. OF COURSE shes upset you're moving. Who wouldn't be. Maybe she thinks your making a mistake. She just might know you better than you know yourself. I know that's how it can be with my friends. You just have to tell her you understand and appreciate her opinion...and she should do the same for you. She seems like a friend that really cares about you. I would definitely be friends with her after you move. ..but you guys should fix things before you go.

 

Good Luck!