hoopdedoo Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I'm not here to get preached at or told about my mistakes. I dwell on this day and night so save the condescending attitude. I need direction and help, please. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for over 5. We're very normal with good education and jobs and we honestly get along pretty well. I can't look at our marriage and place blame on him or I for any specific thing. We've had ups and downs, but all people do. However, we have both had affairs. He says his was limited to sexting and emotions and I did see an email he left open where she said she loved him. Mine has been limited to being physical until the past 3 months and he and I have grown very close. I'm living a lie. I feel like I have no integrity anymore. I don't know what to do. The idea of divorce kills me and yet I don't know what the point is in working on my marriage when my husband acted exactly the same prior, during, and after his affair. He knows something is up with me... I'm really struggling. I never wanted to be this person and yet I justified my outside relationship a dozen different ways. I don't know what I want for the future. I don't know what I don't want for the future. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to work on my marriage just to feel like we've reached a place of awesome and then find out my husband was seeing someone else. He probably feels the same way. I'm exhausted. I think about suicide a lot. I told my husband I'd be faithful, no matter what, and now I'm telling this other guy I might leave, but I dread the drama and divorce. I know, I'm an idiot, I'm the queen of bad judgment, but I need help for here on out. I'll take all the blame. Can someone who has been IN this situation help me? Please??
lolapalooza Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 For what it's worth, I like your user name. I will spare you the condescension, but I will give you some tough love. You really need some help. Any time suicide looks like a better alternative to divorce, means it's time for professional help. I mean this with all sincerity. Now, in the meantime... you owe it to yourself and your husband to divorce. Neither of you are happy, and you are wasting each other's time. Sure, divorce is terrifying, but how do you know you won't be much happier? You have the opportunity to began anew, and you waste it with thoughts of suicide, which to me, is much much much more cowardly than the infidelity. You haven't mentioned whether you have children; I will assume you do not. All the more reason to cut your ties, learn your lessons, and try to be a better person. What specifically, terrifies you about divorce?
MizFit Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I agree with Lola...welcome by the way. My take is that you're scared of the unknown...you're simply afraid of what life would be like after a divorce. Guess what...the sun will come up and the sun will go down. You'll have great days and horrible ones. The difference is you'll be rid of the drama and all of the mistrust that you've built up in this relationship. You've said you don't want to work on your M...if you're sure of that then don't. The DNR sign is up...say goodbye, pull the plug, walk away and cry. Then get on with life. Good luck to you.
lkjh Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 There is no easy way out. You have to be honest, all of this guilt and turmoil isn't over nothing. You will never be able to just live with it and get over it. Just come clean and see where everything goes. Don't even think about suicide, that is just your way of trying to escape all of this. I doubt you really want to leave your H, you are just ashamed. Just come clean, otherwise you will have to live with this forever and that is impossible to get over
silktricks Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 For both of you to have had affairs when only married for 5 years seems strongly to indicate that you are both unhappy. Sit down with your husband tell him the truth about how you feel. Divorce is not that big of a deal and is certainly a better choice than suicide. Also, see if you can get some counseling
2sure Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Married 5 years. divorce is final in 2 months. Crisis: Infidelity, repeatedly. BUT. You and your H have not yet tried to recover, repair , rebuild your marriage. Its not the kind of thing you can say OK, that was a mistake and move on from without real dedication, committment and WORK. You dont trust each other , you dont feel you have a secure future with each other. And thats natural. You have not been married long enough to have built up much solid and good history, foundation. Neither had we. We did go to MC, and I learned so much about communication, relationships, expectations, etc. I thought I knew it all, but I was pleased and surprised to learn more. My H is a serial cheater - he isnt going to change. So, we are diviorcing. But I can honestly and without regret say - I gave it a hell of a shot. I think its possible to move on to the bright future you once envisioned..but it doesnt just happen.
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