getting back on my feet (emotionally)

[soleharmony1123]

It's been about 6 months since my ex asked for space and a break (realistically known as a break-up).

 

It's taken quite some time for me to gain emotional momentum and begin to heal through all the phone calls and text messages from my ex. But I've managed with spiritual guidance. I've forgiven myself for not loving ME enough and I've also forgiven my ex for my own well-being.

 

Then came the phone call on Sunday morning. He has his son from Arizona for the summer, and he called to tell me. He also called to ask me if he could come get my son for a few days so our sons could play ball together and play video games, etc. while he (my ex) is at work. Our children have never met, although they've spoken on the phone together briefly. At first, I said it would be okay (but that was because my son knew it was him on the phone and when he heard something about my ex coming to get him, he was all for it). But I wasn't.

 

I don't want to trust my ex enough to allow my teenaged son to go along with him anymore. He'd be at work and our boys would be unsupervised. Anything could happen and the way I see it, since my ex betrayed me, he might do the same again. If our sons were to get into trouble, he'd be there for his son, and mine would be left to fend for himself...and I'd be left with the consequences of whatever might happen.

 

During the conversation, my ex wanted my opinion about whether he should apply for a credit card or wait awhile. I told him he should do what he feels is best, that it's his choice/decision and I'd rather not advise either way. It wasn't the answer he wanted nor expected. I could tell that. He said he asked me because he wanted my input. For what?

 

During the conversation, he asked me to hold for a minute while he went to answer the door...when he returned to the phone, my mind was somewhere else....he was talking...I really didn't hear him...wasn't listening..."Baby!" he called out. That startled me enough for me to conclude the conversation by telling him I had to go.

 

It took me this long for me to realize - really realize - the entire 6 months we've been apart, he's called, he's texted. He's done everything except try to see me. He's insinuated, hinted, everything except open his mouth and say, I'm sorry, I made a dreadful mistake in ending our relationship, I don't know what got into me, I want you back. I want to work on us, I want to work on the relationship - NONE OF THESE WORDS HAVE BEEN SAID.

 

About a month ago, he called because he was wondering whether he should do a part-time job and a full-time or just stick to the full-time - my response was similar. "I don't know - it's your decision - your life - you have to do what's best for you." There was a hint of disappointment in his tone from my response.

 

I guess I stated all the above to say, the phone calls still go on to this day - the only difference is that....

 

FINALLY, it doesn't matter. Yeah, I get a little emotional some times and want to ask him "what do you want from me." But then I catch myself, and I lovingly and patiently remind myself - It doesn't matter.

[BiAxident]

FINALLY, it doesn't matter. Yeah, I get a little emotional some times and want to ask him "what do you want from me." But then I catch myself, and I lovingly and patiently remind myself - It doesn't matter.

 

Congratulations on that note! It sounds like he is putting out feelers, dense and obtuse, but feelers none the less, about your attitude toward him.

 

Given that you have reached this point of certitude, you might lend some of your time to helping other people on here reach your level of comfort?

[soleharmony1123]

Thanks, BiAxident.

 

I got tired of the rollercoaster of emotions. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control in some areas because I just didn't feel like doing follow-up, networking and doing what I needed to take care of home. That's when I realized something was wrong with me - that I'm codependent - for a number of reasons...ouch! that complicates things a bit. (I'm a victim of domestic violence (rape included) and consistent unhealthy relationships throughout my adult life.

 

I have benefited greatly from the sound, direct advice I've received from many established members here on Loveshack.org (some new ones as well).

 

Thanks to my tenacious attitude, I started digging and doing research, trying to find help for myself. That was a few months ago when I re-discovered the Robin Norwood book "Women Who Love too Much." I had purchased this book over 10 years ago after I separated from my ex-husband who was then addicted to crack cocaine. Thankfully, although we are no longer married, he managed to get help for himself and I pray that he is still in recovery. Back to the book -- I don't know what happened to my previous copy, but I knew I had to get another copy so I ordered it sometime ago. When I finished reat ding, it seemed as if a lightbulb lit up in my head. The book is fantastic! It is part of my recovery process. I have also joined an online support group and will soon be finding a local group as well.

 

I'm determined to beat this illness called codependency. I don't do labels well, but I'll wear this one with pride knowing I can beat the illness and I'm more than willing to encourage others on this site, especially any who realize they, too are codependent. Purchase the book, google the word "codependency." Do whatever you must do to educate yourself and get on the path to wellness.

 

It's not about hating the ex or male-bashing them, it's more about self-acceptance, and redirecting all that love and attention we lavish on them back onto ourselves. Eric Fromm said "if an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can love only others, he cannot love at all" (The Art of Loving).

 

For me, it feels awkward, to say the least, when I deliberately and specifically direct special attention to myself. I've always been taught to be self-sacrificing. But even that term does not mean deny self which is basically what I've done for years.

 

P.S. I hope nothing I have said in this post violates our policy here at LoveShack.

Edited June 30, 2010 by soleharmony1123

[soleharmony1123]

Soleharmony wrote: "(I'm a victim of domestic violence (rape included) and consistent unhealthy relationships throughout my adult life."

 

Correction: I'm a SURVIVOR of domestic violence...not a victim.