secret29 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I've just spoken to my ex of 5 weeks. We have been going round in circles trying to sort out the deposit on our flat and the holiday we had booked for august. I would love to have had no contact with him at all but unfortunately this has been impossible cos he wouldn't pay me the money he owed me. Anyway, during our phone call about an hour ago, he told me that he has a new girlfriend. She works with him and I had suspected that something was going on. He told me the reason he wanted to break up was because he didn't want to be in relationship anymore, yet here he is 5 weeks later, in a relationship. She has even dumped her fiance for my ex. I feel absolutely crushed. All the pain I felt the first few weeks after he dumped me are back. It's heartbreaking - I love him and he is having sex with this girl in my home I made with him. In my bed. I can't stop picturing them together. I know every little detail about him...I know his smell, his inner thoughts, his secrets, his past. She knows nothing and yet she is the one with him. It's just unbearable. I don't know how to cope, where to turn and how to get through this. I'm moving away so I don't have to see them but not for at least another month due to work. It's been hell surviving since the break up and now with this, I just don't know how i'm goin to get through it. How have other peeps here managed? Any thoughts or advice appreciated x
Theideaofme Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 It's ok, i've been through the same thing with my ex, we dated for 3 years, and i loved her more than anything, and about 3 weeks after the breakup she started expressing interest in a new guy and they started to officially date not long after that. They're still together and apparently happy. It looks selfish but in the end when we remove ourselves from the situation, it's just two happy people. (As selfish as they both may be) My point is, that some people require an ego boost. They find this boost from other relationships that they hope/feel will work better than the previous. If someone doesn't mourn the loss of you after a breakup, then their feelings may not have been as deep as they made them out to be. I just learned about this situation yesterday, and i'm pretty torn up about it, but after talking to her and hearing the lack of emotion in her voice, i know that she's gone, completely detached from me emotionally, and that there's nothing i can do about it. It hurts, but it's reality. Unlike her, i plan on working on myself so that in the future when the opportunity presents itself (and it will for everyone) i'll be ready and suitable to take it. Keep your chin up, life is a good thing, and you only get one, please please make the most of it, don't allow your happiness to be dependent on another human being like my ex did. You make your own happinesses. How are things for you lately?
nevertoolate Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I just don't know how i'm goin to get through it. How have other peeps here managed? Any thoughts or advice appreciated x I'm sorry you're going through this! Not that I have the answers...but some things that seem to help me in situations like this are to be sure to get out and be active. If for you that means exercise - then hit the gym or the bike trails or whatever tickles your fancy. If you like to read, go to a coffee shop or a library and read. If you like movies, go see one or ten of them. If you like to shop, treat yourself to some special things! If you have some close friends, do not avoid them at this time - lean on them! Be around people; do not be idle letting your thoughts continue to let you spiral downward. It will definitely help once you have moved. Once you are in your new place, be sure to stay active and not be idle there. Good luck to you!
Ilovecake Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 We've all been through this, you'll be fine. I’ll tell you my story and how I dealt with it. Lived with my boyfriend, he was being a jerk for a couple days but especially on my birthday. I knew something was going on so when he took a nap I looked at his phone. I saw a text between him and his brother about how he can’t do this with a 22 year old girl; they have nothing in common blah, blah. I confronted him, he said it was hypothetical, the girl doesn’t even exist, but it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t love me anyways and was planning on dumping me. Happy birthday to me. 2 months later he’s dating said inexistent 22 year old, a few months later they are engaged. It was like a knife in my stomach, I was absolutely crushed. Then I sat back cleared my head and realized that a guy who not only dumps his longtime girlfriend for someone who is 16 years younger than her but that would actually have enough in common with someone so young is not the guy for me. You have to look at this rationally. You might even want to write your thoughts down since right now they are probably all over the place from the stress and shock. You have to convince yourself that your ex’s actions are a sign that you two are not meant for each other. You can do better than a relationship jumper. I mean if you knew he was capable of doing this before you two started dating would you have ever gone out with him? You literally have to see the bad in him to start getting over it. Forget about how perfect you two were for each other, how you know every one of his secrets, she will know them too really soon and probably some of your secrets as well. Do not put this man on a pedestal, he (just like everyone in this world) has a good side and a bad side, do not concentrate on what you think is the good side. Think about how he hurt you and how one day he will hurt her. Their chances of lasting forever are very slim, most relationships break up and she’ll have to deal with that in the future. Sitting around and thinking this sort of stuff helped me get through it. Don’t be sad, GET PISSED!
Ingenue Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I'm sorry you're going through this. Many of us on this board have experienced similar stories. My ex, whom I dated for 5 years, was already in a new relationship within a week of breaking up with me via email. I actually suspect that he was already cheating on me in the tail end of the relationship with the woman he dated after me. He told me, "not to blame her. She was innocent in all of this". I took that to heart and didn't blame her. I blamed him and harnessed all the rage I felt towards him into centering myself and becoming whole again. I came to realize that he was just the type of personality to do this, regardless of whether it was me or another woman. Try to think of this as a growing experience. It sounds horribly clichéd, but it does help to reframe the relationship in terms that allow you to move on. I pined for him because I was so heartbroken. Then when I realized the truth, I got angry. I was angry at myself for putting a man of such low calibre on such a high pedestal. I was angry at him for wasting my life, for not having the courage to tell me that he (most likely) cheated on me. Instead of stewing in that anger, I changed the way I thought about him and the relationship. This may not work for everybody, but it certainly did me. There's nothing rosy about the relationship I remember anymore. All I see is a man who wasn't good enough for me. If he could do this to you, most likely he'll do it to another person. Do you want someone that easily swayed and whose heart can so easily latch on and throw away what it once treasured? Take some solace in finding out who your ex was now rather than later. At least now you can see him for who he really is, not who you, or any of us, idealize our exes to be.
Theideaofme Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 In partial response to Ingenue's response, as previously expressed I've felt that pain as well, however, the most important thing to do emotionally and mentally right now is to be completely 100% honest with yourself about the past relationship. Do i agree with focusing on the negative so as to paint a picture that wasn't the reality? Certainly not, this isn't healthy, nor is it fair for the other person. But the fact is that he didn't show your feelings the respect that they deserve which speaks for itself. I'm sure that most of our relationships had very good times, which is why we were in them, but at the same time we can't deny that they also had low points, as do ALL relationships. If what they have is TRUE, UNSELFISH love then who are we to take that from them? Yes they used selfish motives to achieve it but maybe the love will be a respectful and endearing one, either that or it's shallow and doomed to fail. I'm sorry that you experienced this. I'm guessing by your lack of response that you don't frequent LS as much as the hearthbroken others like myself. Or maybe you found something better? Here's to hoping
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