CMA Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 So say you've been dating someone and the two of you REALLY like each other. It's getting to the point where the 2 of you are ready to get intimate. One day they call because they have something to tell you and it's that they have an std (lets say herpes). What do you honestly think you would do in this case???
pandagirl Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I have herpes, so I can speak from the other end of the experience. I've told four guys I have it, and every single one of them was cool with it. I usually told somewhere around the third date. I'd like to add, it's a scary thing telling someone you like that you have herpes! It's shows good character. I know people who have it and *don't* tell people.
alyssatranswarrior Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I'd say it depends on the girl If she said she had been dating a lot and then you find out she has herpes I'd honestly think 'unsafe slut' behaviour and depending how much I like her decide to continue or not. For sure I'd be comforting about the STD but also firm that I am a little turned off to get intimate right away. Needs to be a cooler off for bedroom antics, probably a week while she gets treatment for any blatant effects. Kissing and cuddling up to her between that time I'd be game for that kind of affection. Overall its just a turn off considering I would want my life partner and I to be able to have non-condom sex, and since I dont have herpes gawd that would make that scenario kind of unwanted!
tman666 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Been there with current gf. It really comes down to a personal decision. You need to educate yourself on the risks. You can contract the disease while using a condom, and without the other person having a breakout (read about asymptomatic viral shedding). The herpes question leads to some other very important questions that NEED to be answered though. First of all, has the other person been tested for other diseases, such as HIV? Herpes won't kill you, but if the person happened to pick up something in addition, you need to make sure that you're not dooming yourself to something far, far worse. How often do they have breakouts, and how severe are they? How concerned do they seem about protecting you from contracting it? Another question I would ask is how this person contracted said STD. Were they highly promiscuous, or was it transmitted by a previous partner showing no symptoms (i.e. unaware that they carried the disease)? If the other person was knowingly leading a reckless lifestyle, that might indicate greater problems. You also need to think about the future. If you contract the disease yourself and you end up breaking up (which is a good possibility, statistically), then you need to ask yourself if you want to explain to future partners your situation and know that having the disease could limit your relationship choices. Personally, I would look at the qualities that make the person a good candidate for the relationship. Is there potential for love? Do you respect each other? Do your lifestyles match? Do you guys have similar spending habits? If you take the STD out of the equation, take a hard look at the person and decide whether the rest of their qualities make them worth the risk of contracting an STD. For the record, I am very sexually active with earlier mentioned girl, and I have not contracted (to my knowledge) anything as of 2.5 years of being together. We don't mess around if she has a breakout (which happens about 2-3 times a year), and we always wash up immediately afterward, every time. Most of the time, it's something that neither of us think about about. Does it suck being reminded a couple of times a year that she has it? Yeah, for multiple reasons. However, her other qualities make her my ideal woman, so it's not an issue for us (anymore). It was hard to get over it when I first learned the fact early in our relationship, but I made my decision, and I reap the rewards and any consequences that may come with it.
Author CMA Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Well i have it. I was with my bf for 3 years before we had sex. I was still a virgin and we were going to get married. He had it and didn't know he had it. Before we started dating, i made him get tested for HIV but thought if you had anything else, surely you would know!! Obviously i was wrong. I was 24 at the time and am 28 now and have only had 1 outbreak since the initial. We broke up 2 years ago. I'm so devastated and heartbroken right now. I've gone out with several guys since then and everyone was always cool about it. I refused to do anything until they knew and of course this was always mortifying for me because i didn't want them to judge me. I finally meet a guy that i'm SO into. He's an RN, very cultural, sweet, thoughtful, all that good stuff. Anyways, after our 4th date i called him and told him what was up. He really appreciated my honesty and was very nice about it but of course was shocked. I get a text from him the next morning that says "i don't know what to do CMA. There are so many things i like about you and enjoy hanging out, i just don't know what to do about the situation. I'm bummed out" I told him that i was bummed out too and that whatever his decision was i'd understand. I told him that we could either continue to hang out and see what happens or just end it. He chose to continue hanging out. Point is, i haven't heard from him since Sat morning which isn't abnormal because we don't talk everyday and when we do it's just to see how the other is doing and to make plans for the next time. I just can't help to assume the worst, i've never been in this situation.........
jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I had something similar happen when I started dating my current GF. She has HPV. I was taken back at first by this but I felt there was something there and wanted to pursue a relationship with her. It is a personal choice and we have been together for almost a year
pandagirl Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 And just for some information, this is from webMD, and it echoes the pretty intensive research I've done: "Let’s say you have an infected male and an uninfected female. If they avoid sex during outbreaks, don’t use condoms regularly, and don’t take antiviral therapy every day, the risk of transmission is about 10% per year. But if you add condoms, it reduces transmission about about 50%, if he takes Valtrex 500 mg once a day, he can reduce transmission also by about 50%. So you can see that the numbers get very low! If it is a woman infected with HSV 2 having sex with an uninfected male, given the circumstances listed above again, then the transmission rate is about 4% prior to the interventions of condoms and Valtrex." I'm a woman who uses condoms, that means condoms are 98% effective in preventing the transmission of herpes, which is the same effectiveness that condoms offer for birth control. I give these facts to whomever I'm dating.
Green Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Its hard to answer a HYPO like this. I thank you for sharing your story. Personaly unless I'm in the situation I couldn't answer the Q. Its probably something I'd like to avoid catch but then again if I met the perfect girl I'd like to think I could overcome the fact she had herpes.
Chicago_Guy Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I had something similar happen when I started dating my current GF. She has HPV. I was taken back at first by this but I felt there was something there and wanted to pursue a relationship with her. It is a personal choice and we have been together for almost a year Be careful because there is a connection between HPV and oral cancer. Something like 25% of oral cancers are caused by HPV. As hard as this may be to believe, I heard a rumor that film critic Roger Ebert used to frequent hookers sometime in the past (probably in the 1980s and 1990s) and would give them oral sex. As you may know, a big chunk of his jaw had to be surgically removed and he can no longer speak as a result of having oral cancer.
cabarc1 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 The fact that you are honest about it says a lot about your character. A lot of people lie about it because they know others can't tell since they show no symptoms, not cool. I have a friend, who is the greatest catch and it breaks my heart seeing her a nervous wreck everytime she has to tell a guy she has it knowing there are jerks that just sit there and lie about it. She never had the luxury of being given an option
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