An update and an ultimatum

[Masoshi]

After several weeks of major emotional turmoil, I have decided to give my MM an ultimatum. The weeks have dragged. There were some miserable ones in there where I felt completely abandoned, and there was one wonderful week, where everything felt as it used to. I felt loved, wanted, needed. But he's too up and down for me during this time while he "works on his marriage". He's too "guilt-ridden" to be open, loving, and warm with me while he's giving his M another shot. He says to me he has to make a bona fide effort with his M or otherwise not bother working on it at all. And he "wants to". He wants to give it another shot to see if he can keep it together, for the kids. I'm not a fool, I've read enough of the other postings on this site to see that he's making excuses for leaving. I'm heartbroken, obviously. I envisioned a future together. I left my M...for myself because it was miserable, but also for him. I could have tried to work on it, but I chose what was supposed to be my future with him instead.

 

He tells me he still wants me, he is struggling with the fact that he feels this is the last try in the M, but he doesn't want to lose me. But while he used to make me feel like number 1 (even though he's married), I have been feeling too much like my feelings are an inconvenience and my hurt over this new emotional abandonment a drag. Whenever I bring up this pain I feel: that he doesn't communicate with me like he used to, that he is much less emotional and loving than he used to be with me, and unavailable with his time than he used to be, he says he knows and these are the problems he knew would ensue when he made this decision to work on the M. But he made this decision. He KNEW how "working on his M" would affect me. Apparently, my feelings were less important than shaking things up at home. Less important to him than having a real, official, public relationship with me, the woman he claimed he loved most. Having the kind of relationship he said over and over again he wanted to have with me. The kind we both wanted.

 

He said he believes that deciding whether to stay in his marriage will take "time". I always said I could wait knowing that he was "getting there". But that was before, now he has made it clear he just "doesn't know" if after working on the M it will be viable, worthwhile staying in. And after more than four years together, after the kind of closeness you don't share with just anyone, the kind of love you don't just have with anyone, what the hell kind of shape was his M in if he could act that way with me? And now it's worth it to see if it's something he can save? I think he's a coward. I love this man with all my heart but I'm furious and I'm devastated and I can't keep living like this. I can't live for an uncertain future. I feel I am being used.

 

So that's what leads me to the ultimatum. I am telling him that I love him, but I can't keep doing this. This hurts me too much. I feel like my heart has been trampled on, my feelings belittled. I know, deep down, that he will never move on and make any kind of decision if he knows I will live with and continue to accept the little pieces he gives me, even when they continue to shrink. Why would he have to do anything, change anything then? So I am telling him I no longer want to be in any kind of relationship with him and will have only limited contact with him. I am giving him to the end of this year for him to tell me his future plans. That is six months, I think that is a long time, enough time to be able to see if he wants to stay in his M (or keep "trying" with his M which will really mean the same thing to me) or if there has been no improvement. If that is the case, there is no improvement, he has to actually move to divorce or we will go NC. I will leave this job and go elsewhere. I cannot continue to do this to myself.

 

So that's it. It is time for him to feel some pain, to stop having his cake and eating it too - as I've come to learn is a common expression tossed about around here. If I'm worth it to him, I'll find out. I felt he lifted me up, made my self esteem soar within the first few years of our relationship, but in the past year, I have felt like a shadow of my former self and I don't want to feel this way about myself anymore - that I am worthless, that I am stupid, that I am a fool, that no one could love me and find me worthwhile to spend their time with (indeed, that was a huge issue with my STBxH - he decided after we got married that spending time with his buddies, gambling, drugs or pretty much anything else was more worthwhile than me, his W). Anyway, I guess there's really nothing more to say. I am at work and I can't shut myself in my office and cry like I really want to. So I'll try and tough it out today and hope that the future isn't as horrible as I'm envisioning it right now.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Owl]

I am giving him to the end of this year for him to tell me his future plans. That is six months, I think that is a long time, enough time to be able to see if he wants to stay in his M (or keep "trying" with his M which will really mean the same thing to me) or if there has been no improvement.

 

Can you re-read this, please?

 

Think about this from an external perspective.

 

This isn't truly an ultimatum. It's an extension.

 

This isn't truly forcing him to do anything. He's got SIX MONTHS to maintain the status quo before you'll consider doing anything.

 

And at the end of that six months, all he has to do is to come up with some bull-hockey, half-thought out sorta plan thingy with which to pacify you.

 

He doesn't have to take ACTION at the end of this long time...he just has to tell you that he will...maybe...someday.

 

There's nothing concrete in this. There's no 'boundary'. There's no ACTION tied to it. And no real teeth as well. You didn't say (at least in your post) what you would do, SPECFICALLY, if he failed to deliver.

 

This happens a lot on this site...the threat of a soft, or even non-existing ultimatum.

 

A REAL ultimatum would be..."You have two weeks in which to tell your wife, and file paperwork for divorce. By the end of this two weeks, I expect to see a copy of filed divorce papers and a lease to your new place away from your wife. If you don't have this in hand, we're done...don't bother contacting me again if you can't do this.".

 

See the difference?

[Masoshi]

Owl, I am not going to have any kind of relationship with him for six months. None whatsoever. The only contact will be because he sits around the corner from me at work. But that's it. If he doesn't tell me in six months that he's filing divorce papers, I am leaving my job, so we will not even be in contact through work.

[NoIDidn't]

I agree with Owl.

 

Its another six months wasted while he courts his W. Isn't that offensive to you?

 

My self-respect would never allow me to give a guy six months to figure out another love R vs one he could have with me. I had an ex try something similar. But I gave him that moment to make a choice. And he didn't choose me or our R. He chose to continue dating other people instead of being exclusive with me.

 

I wasn't afraid that he wouldn't choose me. It hurt. No doubt about it. But I wasn't about to hang around hoping he would see me as more dedicated to him than his other "dates".

 

Life is too short to volunteer for limbo. Give him a real ultimatum, or just get out and let him come find you after a divorce.

[HurtinginTexas]

Doesnt matter if he did have the divorce or a lease. Mine had two leases he broke throughout our back and forth to go back to the exW. And she finally divorced him and he still left me and the apartment we were in to go back to the exW even after the D.

 

The more time you invest the worse you will be. Believe me. Run now and cut your losses

[BB07]

I tend to agree with Owl and NoIDidn't. I don't think if you tell him that he has 6 months, that anything will change, other than you will just have your negative feelings about the whole situation magnified and that isn't good.

 

You mentioned in your post about your MM being cowardly, it seems to be a very common trait and I don't mean this to be cruel at all, but a lot of the OW/OM have that trait in common too. I've been in similar shoes such as you and yes I was too afraid to say it too. It's so hard to let go of what you think it could be, but you have to........for your peace of mind.

 

cowardly - adj of or characteristic of a coward; lacking courage

 

 

I hope you rethink your six month ultimatum, or at the least, don't tell him about it, make him think you are walking out the door NOW.

 

 

Hugs.......

[Owl]

My recommendation to you would be:

 

First...walk away if you can. The odds are tremendously against this ending well for you.

 

Second, if you can't/won't follow the first advice...don't give him six months. He doesn't need six months to make a choice. He doesn't need six weeks to make a choice. Six days...maybe.

 

But the bottomline is, it doesn't take that much 'work' to decide what you're going to do. It surely doesn't take weeks or months.

 

Point blank tell him that he's got a week to make up his mind on what he wants, and tell you. He's got a week after that to start moving in that direction...by showing concrete 'proof' of that movement.

 

Find out for yourself what the divorce laws are in that state. Make it clear that you're not stupid, and not going to tolerate being his "option" any longer.

 

Can you see where I'm coming from? He ALREADY KNOWS what he's going to do here...he just doesn't want to have to DO it. (Whichever path "it" is). His personal preference is to keep it the way it is. He's got two women meeting his needs...and no real reason to see it change.

 

He won't change, until its thrown into conflict. Postponing that conflict for six months isn't going to help you at all.

 

Take a stand. Tell him to choose...now. And make it happen.

[cavedweller]

Masoshi,

 

1..Don't walk off of your job..Let him walk off of his.

 

2..Don't give him 6 months to file for a divorce..Give him 6 days. (or better yet give him 6 hours to pack up his **** and start moving out)..That will wake him up.

 

3..I don't believe he will ever leave his wife for you. But, what do I know?

[Masoshi]

So I told him. At lunch. Probably a crappy time to do it but I couldn't hold it in any longer. I am not able to work today anyway. I know everyone here is telling me I am doing the wrong thing giving him this time, too much time. Probably everyone is right, but to me it does feel like the relationship has ended, even though that window was left open a crack. I gave him that long time because I'm hopeful and foolish, most likely. I know he just recently told his wife he wanted things to change with her, I guess I am trying to let him have that time to go through those motions, let him stay true to his word. Really stupid when I think about it since he wasn't true to his word with me - that he would leave her. Anyway, maybe they will be successful, maybe not. Like I said, this feels like the end to me anyway.

 

It didn't go exactly as I'd expected it to. It was clear he was visibly upset, he said he was somewhat "relieved" as he knew how much I was suffering while he went through this whole thing. If he thinks this will relieve my suffering he is totally wrong. I just feel worse. And also, that provides me with very little comfort, and if anything, makes me feel worse as a part of me would have liked him to fight to "keep" me. Telling him I planned to leave this office at the end of this and have no contact with him anymore if he stayed in his marriage did affect him, I could see it. I don't think he's really thought about me actually being out of his sight and out of his reach, no longer "available" to him. But I said I can't keep walking around this office, seeing him here every day, watching him interact with everyone, while my heart breaks into smaller and smaller pieces every time. How can I keep doing that to myself? And when I said I think I needed to speak to someone, maybe a therapist or something as I am dealing with all this pain alone (as I don't have him anymore - and no one knows about us) it was the reaction to that I did not expect. Suddenly, all he cared about was protecting himself. He was upset, worried, that I would do something to "reveal" us and him. I asked if it was all he cared about, because it seemed that way. I said I felt like all I was was his dirty little secret. I told him my heart was breaking in front of him, I was crying, and all he was worried about was covering his own ass? I was furious. I said I didn't come in here to threaten him that I would tell on him. He told me he would do anything I wanted if I didn't expose him, even leave her for me. Which means I get an angry man to spend my life with, one who hates and resents me. What a prize.

 

But I can't lie, I have fantasized about telling his W before. I know if he never leaves I will be upset enough to do it. Whether I will or not is a different story. That he could just jump right back into his "happy" little family like I and the years we spent together were just some kind of blight on his life is what drives me to feel that way. I mean, I feel broken, used, betrayed. Why is he allowed to get away with avoiding feeling that way? The thoughts go round and round.

 

What surprised me was that he said he wanted to "respond" to what I had to say to him. I asked him what that was supposed to mean, and he said he wasn't sure yet. I don't know what to think about that. I told him our romantic relationship was not continuing, our contact with each other was over. Unless he decided to get divorced, of course. So I don't know why he thinks it right to have anything to say to me about this, anything he couldn't say at that moment.

[torranceshipman]

I can't believe you re giving him another 6 months. You have said yourself that he is making you feel belittled and treats your hurt feelings as an inconvenience, and has chosen to stay in his M, which means he has chosen his W over you. He doesn't even sound particularly apologetic about any of this. Why would you stay around for 6 more months of punishment?

 

Also, why would you give him this ultimatum when you have no buy in from him? He hasn't given you any indication that he will even consider your ultimatum, so it seems like a waste of time. If you come up with a demand on your own and issue a time frame, then the won't take it seriously, and the deadline will just come and go with little thought from him and in the meantime you will work yourself up into a real state anticipating what might happen by Christmas.

 

Ultimatums are an act of desparation - healthy R's between people that love each other don't include ultimatums. Compromises - yes - but those require 100% buy in from both people in the R, and your situation is just you demanding things. Given that he has a history of putting you 2nd and ignoring your emotional needs - you can't for a second expect that he will fall in with your plan.

 

Why don't you just leave him? The R is over, pretty much - at least any part of it that had value is over - save the pain of letting it limp on one-sidedly forever and instead be single, get out there and date, and then by christmas you might be spending it with that cute new guy who adores you and loves being romantic. Stay as you are and you are going to have one hell of a lonely miserable Christmas!

[Fieldsofgold]

I can't believe you re giving him another 6 months. You have said yourself that he is making you feel belittled and treats your hurt feelings as an inconvenience, and has chosen to stay in his M, which means he has chosen his W over you. He doesn't even sound particularly apologetic about any of this. Why would you stay around for 6 more months of punishment?

 

Also, why would you give him this ultimatum when you have no buy in from him? He hasn't given you any indication that he will even consider your ultimatum, so it seems like a waste of time. If you come up with a demand on your own and issue a time frame, then the won't take it seriously, and the deadline will just come and go with little thought from him and in the meantime you will work yourself up into a real state anticipating what might happen by Christmas.

 

Ultimatums are an act of desparation - healthy R's between people that love each other don't include ultimatums. Compromises - yes - but those require 100% buy in from both people in the R, and your situation is just you demanding things. Given that he has a history of putting you 2nd and ignoring your emotional needs - you can't for a second expect that he will fall in with your plan.

 

Why don't you just leave him? The R is over, pretty much - at least any part of it that had value is over - save the pain of letting it limp on one-sidedly forever and instead be single, get out there and date, and then by christmas you might be spending it with that cute new guy who adores you and loves being romantic. Stay as you are and you are going to have one hell of a lonely miserable Christmas!

 

This is good advice. Everyone's advice on this has been very good.

 

The REALLY telling moment, IMO, was when you mentioned therapy to deal with your pain, and HIS concern was that he would be outed. That, right there, says more about his attitude toward you, IMO, than anything else he could say or do. You do not deserve that kind of uncaring treatment.

 

Besides, IF he really wants to work on his marriage 100% - which I seriously doubt - he should do that.

 

As for telling his wife - just imagine how betrayed and hurt she would feel if she knew. She has done nothing to harm you. She is his wife. She is the main, #1 victim. I am assuming you knew he was married when you started the affair. Why would you want to hurt her, his innocent wife? I'm sure that living with him, unknowingly sharing him with you, she has suffered enough.

 

Not trying to be ugly here, but if he's been with you for four years - if she's spent four years unknowingly sharing him with you, I am sure she has had some sad and lonely times. Maybe the hurt you are going through now is that karma coming back on you?

 

I am very sorry you are hurting. I think you have been a victim of his lies, too. Please take care of yourself FIRST, for a change, and give him the boot. Demand respect for you, because YOU deserve it. Don't wait six months. Six minutes would be more appropriate. If you need help being strong to leave him, we are here for you.

[fooled once]

After several weeks of major emotional turmoil, I have decided to give my MM an ultimatum. The weeks have dragged. There were some miserable ones in there where I felt completely abandoned, and there was one wonderful week, where everything felt as it used to. I felt loved, wanted, needed. But he's too up and down for me during this time while he "works on his marriage". He's too "guilt-ridden" to be open, loving, and warm with me while he's giving his M another shot. He says to me he has to make a bona fide effort with his M or otherwise not bother working on it at all. And he "wants to". He wants to give it another shot to see if he can keep it together, for the kids. I'm not a fool, I've read enough of the other postings on this site to see that he's making excuses for leaving. I'm heartbroken, obviously. I envisioned a future together. I left my M...for myself because it was miserable, but also for him. I could have tried to work on it, but I chose what was supposed to be my future with him instead.

 

He tells me he still wants me, he is struggling with the fact that he feels this is the last try in the M, but he doesn't want to lose me. But while he used to make me feel like number 1 (even though he's married), I have been feeling too much like my feelings are an inconvenience and my hurt over this new emotional abandonment a drag. Whenever I bring up this pain I feel: that he doesn't communicate with me like he used to, that he is much less emotional and loving than he used to be with me, and unavailable with his time than he used to be, he says he knows and these are the problems he knew would ensue when he made this decision to work on the M. But he made this decision. He KNEW how "working on his M" would affect me. Apparently, my feelings were less important than shaking things up at home. Less important to him than having a real, official, public relationship with me, the woman he claimed he loved most. Having the kind of relationship he said over and over again he wanted to have with me. The kind we both wanted.

 

He said he believes that deciding whether to stay in his marriage will take "time". I always said I could wait knowing that he was "getting there". But that was before, now he has made it clear he just "doesn't know" if after working on the M it will be viable, worthwhile staying in. And after more than four years together, after the kind of closeness you don't share with just anyone, the kind of love you don't just have with anyone, what the hell kind of shape was his M in if he could act that way with me? And now it's worth it to see if it's something he can save? I think he's a coward. I love this man with all my heart but I'm furious and I'm devastated and I can't keep living like this. I can't live for an uncertain future. I feel I am being used.

 

So that's what leads me to the ultimatum. I am telling him that I love him, but I can't keep doing this. This hurts me too much. I feel like my heart has been trampled on, my feelings belittled. I know, deep down, that he will never move on and make any kind of decision if he knows I will live with and continue to accept the little pieces he gives me, even when they continue to shrink. Why would he have to do anything, change anything then? So I am telling him I no longer want to be in any kind of relationship with him and will have only limited contact with him. I am giving him to the end of this year for him to tell me his future plans. That is six months, I think that is a long time, enough time to be able to see if he wants to stay in his M (or keep "trying" with his M which will really mean the same thing to me) or if there has been no improvement. If that is the case, there is no improvement, he has to actually move to divorce or we will go NC. I will leave this job and go elsewhere. I cannot continue to do this to myself.

 

So that's it. It is time for him to feel some pain, to stop having his cake and eating it too - as I've come to learn is a common expression tossed about around here. If I'm worth it to him, I'll find out. I felt he lifted me up, made my self esteem soar within the first few years of our relationship, but in the past year, I have felt like a shadow of my former self and I don't want to feel this way about myself anymore - that I am worthless, that I am stupid, that I am a fool, that no one could love me and find me worthwhile to spend their time with (indeed, that was a huge issue with my STBxH - he decided after we got married that spending time with his buddies, gambling, drugs or pretty much anything else was more worthwhile than me, his W). Anyway, I guess there's really nothing more to say. I am at work and I can't shut myself in my office and cry like I really want to. So I'll try and tough it out today and hope that the future isn't as horrible as I'm envisioning it right now.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Six MONTHS? Which will put you right at the holidays. Do you really think he is going to leave his family during the holidays?

 

Can you re-read this, please?

 

Think about this from an external perspective.

 

This isn't truly an ultimatum. It's an extension.

 

This isn't truly forcing him to do anything. He's got SIX MONTHS to maintain the status quo before you'll consider doing anything.

 

And at the end of that six months, all he has to do is to come up with some bull-hockey, half-thought out sorta plan thingy with which to pacify you.

 

He doesn't have to take ACTION at the end of this long time...he just has to tell you that he will...maybe...someday.

 

There's nothing concrete in this. There's no 'boundary'. There's no ACTION tied to it. And no real teeth as well. You didn't say (at least in your post) what you would do, SPECFICALLY, if he failed to deliver.

 

This happens a lot on this site...the threat of a soft, or even non-existing ultimatum.

 

A REAL ultimatum would be..."You have two weeks in which to tell your wife, and file paperwork for divorce. By the end of this two weeks, I expect to see a copy of filed divorce papers and a lease to your new place away from your wife. If you don't have this in hand, we're done...don't bother contacting me again if you can't do this.".

 

See the difference?

 

Excellent advice.

 

I see you have already given him his extension and he will continue this game with you for 6 months...and I have a big feeling, because you want so badly for him to pick you, that you will end up giving in during the six months and either sleeping with him again, just to show him what he is missing, or at least call him, talk to him...etc. You said yourself that you wanted him to at least fight for you / the relationship. You have allowed him to use your for 4 years. If you were really serious about this, you would have cut him off completely, and told him to look you up when he is divorced.

[jthorne]

No disrespect, but you are fooling yourself if you think that:

1- He is going to leave his wife and family around the holidays.

2- He is going to leave his wife at all if he's more worried about you exposing him, and he's relieved you've made a decision of NC.

3- You are going to be able to find alternative employment in this economy especially around the holidays when no one hires for full time positions.

 

Your best bet would be to start looking for another job now.

[2sure]

Crap. I'm sorry. I am going to share the one thing I know for sure about being an OW and leave others to guess about the rest:

 

Never ever become an obligation. Thats the way he feels about his wife and family. When you have reached the point that he is pulling away because he cant handle your feelings, cant stand and deliver the promises he made, is telling you he loves you , doesnt want to hurt you, doesnt want to leave his kids, doesnt want you to be gone...

 

Boom. Your an obligation. To MM who want both wife and OW...thats way too much redundancy. Not to mention the fact that making him feel obligated emotionally to you, is the very same way he feels about his current situation .

 

It happens. Its crap. I'm sorry. As to your ultimatum - do it for you if it gives you something but he will never "get it".

[torranceshipman]

And see how he will do anything to protect his life with his W and kids? How he panics when he gets paranoid that you'll expose him, and his W and family might leave him? His W and kids are the people that he instinctively reacts to protect (in his own screwed up way). His knee jerk reaction is to protect what he has with them and to do what he can to placate you or remove you as a threat in some way. He has no instincive need to protect you. He sucks - he is a selfish low life!! You need to be rid of him.

[cavedweller]

Young lady, I would put my foot down and give him 6 days to leave his wife..Period!..Not one day more.

 

BTW, I really feel you are wasting your time with him, because, he is not going to leave her...my 2 cents

[sadintexas]

He's not going anywhere. But the funny thing is, while the six month ultimatum means nothing in terms of getting him to leave, it has given him six months to be worried about what she's going to do at the end of this when she realizes she will not be chosen.

[2sure]

So he told you he was RELIEVED.

And his main concern when you mention your depressed emotional state is that YOU WILL TELL.

 

Seriously, this man is crapping all over you and will continue to do so because you are not only allowing it but coming back for more.

 

Even if you are confused, even if you love him, no matter how hard it is..you have to cut him out of your life. Right now. Today.

[jj33]

I have nothing to add and can only echo what the others said.

 

Hes not leaving.

 

DO NOT tell him anything more about your mental state or who you may or may not discuss it with. You have every right to tell whoever you wish.

 

Dont tell him because you dont want him to use it against you. He is a desparate man looking to cover his azz and he doesnt need ammunition.

 

DO go to a therapist ASAP.

 

And when you have calmed down, dont tell his wife. hes married. You knew that at the outset. The fact that he didnt leave is not a surprise. Read the stories on here. Whatever their marrriage is or isnt, its their marriage.

 

If you tell you can be sure SHE will tell people what a horrible person you are and you dont need that.

 

Take good care

 

jj

[piscis]

Masoshi.

Your thread moves me on a very particular way.

My history is very similar.

And as I am reading you I can relate in some many ways.

Everyone here is telling you what have told me.

I haven't heard the advice.

And I am regretting it as hell.

Please do not do the same thing.

I gave a 4 months ultimatum and it is killing me (due september the 1st)

 

I know in my heart he is not moving out.

I am waiting for the little possibility that he would do.

I know he wont.

I know you would want it to be different, it is and wont be.

 

My therapist told me something that I belive is true: she told me I had 3 choices to remain in the R and pretend I am Ok if I choose this I will suffer ( I know for sure I will), to end it if I choose this I will suffer he will be out of my life and I will be really sad, or give time and give him the power to end it (by he doesn't moving out of the martital home) if I choose this I will suffer.

So for me I have to choose the one I will suffer the less, I know that if I remain I will slowly die day by day when I know he is going back every night to her, I know that if he chooses her agoin (by not leaving at september the first) I will feel horrible and devastated.

so I think me ending it will give me in some way tghe sterenght to pull myself back together sooner.

 

Please keep posting and take good care of yourself

[2sunny]

I was crying, and all he was worried about was covering his own ass?

 

and this is it in a nutshell.

 

it should be obvious to you - please see it for what it is.

 

quit tomorrow if you need to... move forward - it's best for you. no one is going to look out for your best interest except for YOU... now get busy doing just that.

 

any opportunity for him to say anything will only be for him to keep you in the same place for as long as he can - getting exactly what HE wants and covering HIS own a$$.

 

time to start taking care of YOUR best interest - it's obvious he's not going to do any of that for you. that is the brutal reality of how selfish this MM actually is.

 

new job = new life. no contact starting now. no need to wait to start living again! get going! you can live again!

[AlexaBlue]

You do not need to give him an ultimatum - not for six months or even six days.

 

Because he has already made his choice and given you his answer.

 

His choice is to work on his M with his W.

He is not making plans to be with you.

He is making plans with her.

He is not emotionally done with the M.

 

I know this hurts and I'm sorry if I sound at all harsh. I have been there and I feel for you. I was in a similar situation and I delivered the ultimatums. They accomplished nothing but they did prolong my pain.

 

Don't let this happen to you. You've been through enough.

Accept his decision. Let go. Walk away.

[2sunny]

i agree that him telling you that he's working on his M tells you that you are not his priority and never will be. he has said this loud and clear - why are you not listening?

 

even if his wife found out about you he would still be trying to make the M work even more. meanwhile you are standing there wasting your time on a man that has his priorities with his family. second choice should not be your option - you deserve more than what he's not offering you.

[cavedweller]

I agree with 2sunny. You are wasting your time.

 

But, if you must give it one last shot I would give him six days to move out and file for a divorce or I would move on. Six months is tooooo long..

[Ellin]

i agree that him telling you that he's working on his M tells you that you are not his priority and never will be. he has said this loud and clear - why are you not listening?

 

.

 

I disagree. He's been giving her mixed messages, that's why she's "not listening". It's hard to "listen" when someone's deeply in love and in pain.

 

Masoshi, I feel for you and I wish we could meet and have a chat about thing over a coffee. You need help and support and it would be good for you to get counselling.

 

I think it is awful of your MM to have promised you future and encouraged to leave your H, only to run back to his W after all this. It makes me really angry when I think about it.

 

But maybe he's one of those people who actually believe what they say, believe that they want something and will go for it, but then the reality smacks them in the face and they back off, as they had not envisioned how hard it was going to be.

 

If you don't end up together, think of him as a catalyst, which gave you the courage to make the decision to get out of your unhappy M, so that you can start a new life. You will have learned something from this experience and become stronger, now you know what you really need and want and you will find it. You're so young, great happiness is still awaiting you.

 

Give him an ultimatum of any length, but don't hang around waiting, live your life and get busy doing things that have nothing to do with him and will give you a distraction. Being distressed is obviously not doing any good to you, but also it is making the whole situation worse, as it might make him withdraw further and generally things work out better when some emotional balance is achieved. I know that it's so much easier said than done, but please keep trying, do anything you can to make yourself feel better (apart from things that are related to HIM), like spend time doing activities you like and seeing people you like.

 

Find your strength under the pile of this hurt and you will feel better.

 

Lots of hugs.