padparadscha Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I am back again with a new situation that I need advice from. I have been dating a man for a year now. We are very different on many levels. Raised in two different countries and facing completely different trials in our life. On no level are we alike at all down to the food we eat. But the attraction has been so strong. Not physical attraction were we are so high on making love it defines us. Nope, we actually waited over 5 months into the relationship before that came about. We are so drawn to each other as though our souls are connected. Soul mates. We argue, we compromise, we love STRONG. So where's the problem:bunny:???? He is a 7th day Adventist and I am not religious. I am spiritual but I do not believe in religion. He is in church all day on Saturday. As a girlfriend I tried not to make this an issue. I wanted to simply work on our relationship. Iron out some of our differences and then if we ever got closer...NOW WE ARE THAT CLOSE. We have been dating for what is going on one year now. He gave me the keys to his apartment. What a HUGE thing. What a level of trust. I never lived with a man or married one before, but I can tell you that "keys" is FULL access to him. That is trust on a strong level. We don't live together or spend nights with each other; but the key was symbolic of a shift in trust between us. Recently we discussed marriage. But again the religion is an issue. He is an Adventist and must worship from sunrise to sunset. I am a woman who has been emotionally scared since youth who honestly can not commit to a life time of more rejection. For so long I have been considered "Weird, odd, not normal, a screw up, ignorant, too fat, too dumb." I aimed for a degree in Physics just to prove to the world I was not so stupid. I got the degree as well as one in math and British literature. Yet still I was considered "Dumb" by all those who judged me including my family. My entire life I have never been "Good enough not even for my parents." Always unworthy and rejected. Now here comes my soul mate offering me a marriage of inequality. This will never work for me for two reasons: A. I am a world traveler. A Sagittarius who loves to go, go, go. Saturday is my only full day off. Sunday is not a day convient for overnight trips because I must go to work the next morning. Its not convient also because most things close at 5pm. So Sunday is important to me. As a girlfriend I never really complained because I did not know if we would make it this far. So far we want to be together. I never knew I would love him this way. So I made it work even though it was hard. However as a wife I can not commit to a life time of never, ever seeing my husband on a Saturday because he is in church. I am too insecure from so many past mental abuses to be that alone FOREVER. B I have been rejected my whole life. I have been alone my whole life. I may have money and education and all the things people desire. Maybe everyone wants a Jaguar fully paid for. Maybe everyone wants to have no dept. Maybe everyone wants a masters degree. To have written my first novel and was published recently. Yet those who claim to love me have even scrutinized the color choice of my car, the novel I published and the degree I earned. I can't be rejected even in marriage. I just want to be accepted. I just want to be important to somebody. I cant marry a man who is seperate from me even in marriage. Someone who still even in marriage sees me as unequal and unworthy. I hurt on so many levels. I wish I don’t feel like this but I have my entire life. I asked him if we could bend. If he takes two Saturday's and goes to church and gives me two Saturdays a month to travel with me. I asked him if we could compromise. I would go to his church, learn his religion. I just need a compromise on the Saturday. He said no. It is not God’s will. The Sabbath is too important.
bentnotbroken Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Honey, being married or even more involved than you already are isn't a good idea. You have some deep seeded issues that have to be addressed. You feeling of not being worthy...makes you not worthy. You are only as valuable as you consider yourself to be. Childhoood ills and the things that our families put on us can only be overcome with a lot of hard work and determination. Your post looks like you are giving in to their thoughts. This keeps you in a mindset of trying to so hard to be accepted is draining your life from you. I am not religious either...but I am a Christian and I would not marry someone who isn't a Christian also. My faith is a part of who I am and I couldn't be with someone who is unwilling to share that with me. Sweetie, have you considered counseling to help you deal with some of your esteem issues? Because the truth is you can't be accpeted if you don't accept yourself.
Ronni_W Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 pad, You are talking about a fundamental difference in values, which are non-negotiable. Your desire for Saturday travel with him is not more important than his desire for Saturday worship with his God. The two desires are simply incompatible. There is nothing on which to compromise. It is no more fair or appropriate for you to ask him to change his values, than it would be for him to ask you to change yours. You ARE being accepted by him; he is not being accepted by you. Lack of acceptance does not demonstrate "strong love". Him practicing his faith how and when he believes is appropriate for him is NOT about you in any way, shape or form; it is NOT him rejecting you. Your belief about this, and attitude of taking it personally, need to be adjusted. He ALSO "just" wants to be accepted for exactly who and what he actually is...and was the day you met him. You may have held secret notions that, once he got close enough to you, you'd be able to control/manipulate him into doing what you wanted him to do about how he spends is Saturdays. Again, it's the belief that has always been misguided and inaccurate. Your ideal mate is one who has not committed all of his Saturdays to worshiping his God. It is not this guy.
MalachiX Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Sounds like you've got some real issues and you may want to take care of them before you get closer to anyone. From your post, I havn't seen this guy rejecting you or telling you that you aren't good enough. Furthermore, I can't believe that if you really believe this guy is your soul-mate, you'd decide that him being inaccecable on Saturdays was a deal breaker. Honestly, Muslims have to pray five times a day and I know plenty who manage to make a marriage work with a non-Muslim. It really seems like you've grown comfortable with feeling rejected. I'm sure you don't like to feel unwanted but it seems like it's become a part of your identity and you're not willing to let it go. Rather than deal with that, you're finding silly excuses to ditch the relationship even though you keep saying it's the most fullfilling you've ever had.
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