KafkasLastWords Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 My ex broke up with me 2 and a half months ago. We've been NC pretty much ever since and I was doing really well. The first month was brutal but then it got better... so what's the problem? The last few weeks have been FILLED with triggers. His mutual friends have contacted me, what would have been our 5 year anniversary passed, and today is his birthday. Frankly, I've gotten to a place where I realize I really ignored a lot of his flaws and am better off without him... I'm excited for what else is out there for me. However a few days ago he invited one of MY best guy friends to his birthday party. If they had any sort of relationship for the entire 4.5 years we were together, that'd be one thing but they only hung out through me, never spoke on the phone, immed or even facebooked with eachother. All of a sudden he wants to be friends with him? I am really angry for a couple of reasons: A) Why does he want to be friends with him now, and not while we were together? B) I don't want him to have ANY access to me and C) the idea that I may have to cut my friend out of my life makes me really sad Any insights?
cdt76 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 If your friend really is your friend, he will not have any contact with him as well. I have the same problem. My best friend still hangs out with my co-worker who my ex left me for...How do I deal with it? I get angry everytime. Do I say anything no. But I probably should. I just don't want to risk losing the only other friend I have here.
Ronni_W Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 KLW, You obviously can't force your friend to not hang-out with your ex...but it most certainly is within your power, control and authority to express to him your feelings and preferences about it. Calmly and lovingly just tell him your concerns. Also ask that, if he does want to continue being friends with your ex, he please not refer to you or respond to any queries about you, under any circumstances. You do have a right to ask that your privacy be respected, and you do need to know that you can trust your friend to not leak your personal information that you entrust to him. If you don't want to hear anything about your ex, or when the two of them get together, or what they get up to...then ask him to respect your wishes about that, too. If your friend minimizes your concerns or ignores your reasonable requests for respect and privacy, then you will need to make new decisions about this friendship. Best of luck.
BiAxident Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 A) Why does he want to be friends with him now, and not while we were together? B) I don't want him to have ANY access to me and C) the idea that I may have to cut my friend out of my life makes me really sad Any insights? As a guy, I can vouch for the possibility that, even though they never spoke with each other on the phone/facebooked/etc together, your ex may still enjoy the company of your friend and figured since it was an occassion, why not contact him? Or, it could be that he is attempting to open channels of communication to find out things about/relay messages to you. Beyond that, I second what Ronnie already wrote. Your friend is an autonomous adult who is free to make his own decisions. Express your concerns, but do not make demands. Does he know that you are still grieving over the loss of the relationship? If not, bringing up that fact could be a good start.
Author KafkasLastWords Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 Thanks for your responses guys! I agree completely that my friend is his own person and can do what he wants. I would never bark demands at anyone. My problem is I think I am angry at myself for caring so much. Just knowing that he sees him makes it harder for me to move forward because it feels like a door to my life that could potentially be pushed open... and I don't think I want that. For whatever reason, it's just hard for me
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 (Kill me, or else you are a murderer.) KafkasLastWords, we get offended and hurt by things and these are a reflection of our own choices and decision to remain vulnerable. if this has unsettled you, it is because you have permitted it to do so. let your friend make his own choice, and be content that life is moving on for you, as it should.....
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