Mary3 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Oh, please. So if your boyfriend sleeps with your best friend, you'll be totally calm and willing to discuss it without ever raising your voice, right? Or is it a one way street and a woman can yell and it's not abuse? So unbelievably full of crap. Signs of abuse : feel afraid of your partner ? humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? blame you for his own abusive behavior?
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 And for the record, I've never yelled at a girlfriend. If a gf had so little respect for me as to flirt/touch someone else in front of me and didn't even apologize, I would've just dumped her then and there. That's so intensely disrespectful. Its not about what YOU want. This girl is in danger of being sucked into an abusive cycle. Give better life saving advice.
TaurusTerp Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Look, take it or leave it. I've dated bi women before, and know from experience that they can't change who they are. So have I. And I can tell you that bisexuality and monogamy are not somehwo mutually exclusive. You've been had.
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Ok, everyone. I went for my evaluation and the Dr. explained to me the effects of anger on myself and those around me and how it is such a powerful emotion that must be controlled. He did not recommend me for counseling but did give me a self help book for anger management. I also asked if I could come back and speak with him on Friday for an appointment and he said that was fine. I texted my gf and told her what happened. She said "Ok". I then asked if she wanted to talk...maybe I can at least apologize again. She said "Maybe a little later....I was going to try and take a nap before my conference call". I then said "I just hope you know how serious I am about thish and hope you can forgive me." She said "We'll talk later" Guess time will tell. My actions are inexcusable but what more can I truly and honestly do besides better myself as I have? And to do it so quickly should show that I am taking this and our relationship seriously. The girl means the world to me
TaurusTerp Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Signs of abuse : feel afraid of your partner ? humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? blame you for his own abusive behavior? Mary, I think the bone of contention here is that people are absolving her of all responsibility, which I think is incredibly unfair to the OP. Some of your "signs" are also rather specious....criticizing your partner is now abuse? If you feel humiliated or embarrassed from your partners actions, it's not necessarily his or her fault. And I don't think that OP was putting her down, do you see that? I personally don't see abuse here. He wants to talk about it, she withdraws and sulks, and he gets frustrated and starts yelling. And "blaming YOU for his own abusive behavior"? Well, yeah, I think it's okay to blame her because her flirting and touching another woman caused it. It's akin to taking away your kid's credit card when he makes 5000 dollars worth of phone sex calls. SHE DID SOMETHING VERY WRONG! He's not an alcoholic blaming his drinking on her, he's jealous because his girlfriend is flirting with other people! Come on! PS I realize this was kind of disjointed, Im running out the door and just typing thoughts as I go.
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Ok, everyone. I went for my evaluation and the Dr. explained to me the effects of anger on myself and those around me and how it is such a powerful emotion that must be controlled. He did not recommend me for counseling but did give me a self help book for anger management. I also asked if I could come back and speak with him on Friday for an appointment and he said that was fine. I texted my gf and told her what happened. She said "Ok". I then asked if she wanted to talk...maybe I can at least apologize again. She said "Maybe a little later....I was going to try and take a nap before my conference call". I then said "I just hope you know how serious I am about thish and hope you can forgive me." She said "We'll talk later" Guess time will tell. My actions are inexcusable but what more can I truly and honestly do besides better myself as I have? And to do it so quickly should show that I am taking this and our relationship seriously. The girl means the world to me I can see you are trying 100%. If she is truly afraid of you, her family may dissuade her seeing you again. Controlling your anger will take some work. Can you get better ? I think so if you continue your therapy. You can't erase her memory of the event , fear only that it's ( yelling ) is going to be behind you for the most part.
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Mary, I think the bone of contention here is that people are absolving her of all responsibility, which I think is incredibly unfair to the OP. Some of your "signs" are also rather specious....criticizing your partner is now abuse? If you feel humiliated or embarrassed from your partners actions, it's not necessarily his or her fault. And I don't think that OP was putting her down, do you see that? I personally don't see abuse here. He wants to talk about it, she withdraws and sulks, and he gets frustrated and starts yelling. And "blaming YOU for his own abusive behavior"? Well, yeah, I think it's okay to blame her because her flirting and touching another woman caused it. It's akin to taking away your kid's credit card when he makes 5000 dollars worth of phone sex calls. SHE DID SOMETHING VERY WRONG! He's not an alcoholic blaming his drinking on her, he's jealous because his girlfriend is flirting with other people! Come on! PS I realize this was kind of disjointed, Im running out the door and just typing thoughts as I go. You are completely blowing off the point of the posting. What if he yelled and threw boiling water at her ? ( I realize OP is getting help so this is purely hypothetical ) What if he lost control and slapped her ? The point OP is trying to make is that he sees that he is out of control at times and does NOT want to have the yelling escalate to something above. Now he is seeing someone and getting help. It really has very little to do with the other bi sexual girl. Although it was a trigger to set him off , its really about ANYTHING that could set him off . The girl may be the trigger that set him off but as a MAN he has to learn to walk away. I can think of 156 things that might piss most people but its HOW they handle their anger that matters in the end. You don't know if OP is an alcoholic or NOT. Blaming for abuse behavior examples : " You really piss me off thats why I am yelling at you. " " You really piss me off and I am getting even more angry so I slapped you , Its your fault for pissing me off " " You have pissed me off so many times I just want to strangle your fragile neck " Oh wait , oh crap I guess I should have taken Anger Management classes.....
TaurusTerp Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 You are completely blowing off the point of the posting. What if he yelled and threw boiling water at her ? ( I realize OP is getting help so this is purely hypothetical ) What if he lost control and slapped her ? The point OP is trying to make is that he sees that he is out of control at times and does NOT want to have the yelling escalate to something above. Now he is seeing someone and getting help. It really has very little to do with the other bi sexual girl. Although it was a trigger to set him off , its really about ANYTHING that could set him off . The girl may be the trigger that set him off but as a MAN he has to learn to walk away. I can think of 156 things that might piss most people but its HOW they handle their anger that matters in the end. You don't know if OP is an alcoholic or NOT. Blaming for abuse behavior examples : " You really piss me off thats why I am yelling at you. " " You really piss me off and I am getting even more angry so I slapped you , Its your fault for pissing me off " " You have pissed me off so many times I just want to strangle your fragile neck " Oh wait , oh crap I guess I should have taken Anger Management classes..... Do you actually think there is a chance he will escalate it to physical violence? I honestly don't see that at all. I agree how someone handles anger is important. I think showing your emotion, even yelling, is MUCH healthier than simply repressing it. I think it would be incredibly unrealistic and frankly pathetic to just walk away WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS FLIRTING WITH OTHER PEOPLE! Your arguments are all that yelling will lead to physical violence, and I honest to god do not see the the OP ever crossing that line from what I've read so far. I dont see this as some slippery slope. Do you disagree?
Hop_prophet Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Wow people are really jumping to conclusions here. Everyone breaks down and gets angry and does a little bit of yelling. The OP does not sound unstable or threatening to me at all. Threats and yelling on a regular basis for minor things constitutes abuse. Yelling in anger after seeing your gf actively flirt with someone right in front of you does not constitute abuse. This definitely seems like an isolated incident to me. If you cannot tolerate a little bit of yelling in a relationship then it is doomed from the start. Everyone looses their cool at times and I would venture that most of the posters jumping on this guy for abuse have done it many times. I know I have. I am not condoning the yelling, but the OP realized it was wrong and went out of his way to reassure her. Really above and beyond what this situation calls for IMO. I would have apologized and left it at that.
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 I love this girl more than anything and that's what kills me right now--is how I hurt her through this. I would definitely never lay a hand on her by any means. What I am learning through this is that I have to respond to my anger rather than react to it. I can learn how to manage my emotions of anger and refocus it in a positive way I just hope my gf sees that I really am trying. She hasn't talked about us breaking up and again made mention via text earlier that she can't continue if this happens again
TaurusTerp Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I love this girl more than anything and that's what kills me right now--is how I hurt her through this. I would definitely never lay a hand on her by any means. What I am learning through this is that I have to respond to my anger rather than react to it. I can learn how to manage my emotions of anger and refocus it in a positive way I just hope my gf sees that I really am trying. She hasn't talked about us breaking up and again made mention via text earlier that she can't continue if this happens again I hope you'll eventually also talk about her flirting with others, which is what set you off in the first place. That can't be brushed under the carpet, because you'll just get angry if it happens again... I wish you the best of luck.
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Thank you to all who gave advice. We just got done talking. I spoke with her about the day and what was said about counseling. I also told her how I am reading my self help book and explained to her the ways that this can be damaging as well as how I can control this and not yell. She said to put everything I've learned into practice now and that she wants to help me but can only do so much We also talked about her actions and she said she was sorry that she made me feel that way. She apologized for her actions and insists she was joking with the girl and would not do anything to jeapordize our relationship....she thought I knew she was only having fun but understands how it would have angered me. She invited me over tomorrow to help watch after a kid she babysits for and said she can forgive me, it will just take time
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Wow people are really jumping to conclusions here. Everyone breaks down and gets angry and does a little bit of yelling. The OP does not sound unstable or threatening to me at all. Threats and yelling on a regular basis for minor things constitutes abuse. Yelling in anger after seeing your gf actively flirt with someone right in front of you does not constitute abuse. This definitely seems like an isolated incident to me. If you cannot tolerate a little bit of yelling in a relationship then it is doomed from the start. Everyone looses their cool at times and I would venture that most of the posters jumping on this guy for abuse have done it many times. I know I have. I am not condoning the yelling, but the OP realized it was wrong and went out of his way to reassure her. Really above and beyond what this situation calls for IMO. I would have apologized and left it at that. Okay explain 3 things : Her Fear . This was not his first yelling match with her. Alcohol is involved with this each time.
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I love this girl more than anything and that's what kills me right now--is how I hurt her through this. I would definitely never lay a hand on her by any means. What I am learning through this is that I have to respond to my anger rather than react to it. I can learn how to manage my emotions of anger and refocus it in a positive way I just hope my gf sees that I really am trying. She hasn't talked about us breaking up and again made mention via text earlier that she can't continue if this happens again It's likely she loves you too. I am sure she is playing Tug-a-War with her heart versus her friends and family. They are likely telling her to watch out. Do you agree ?
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 If I were her family, of course I would tell her to simply be careful. But again her family does know me VERY well. I'm practically their son and they know this is not typical of me. Frequency still does not excuse my actions and I can see where they would want the best for their daughter. The fact that she is willing to work past this and has invited me over tomorrow to be with her makes me feel more optimistic. I simply have to learn from my mistakes and better myself through them. What more can I do? Again I hope that me doing all of this shows her and her family how much she means to me as well as how serious I am about this situation
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Thank you to all who gave advice. We just got done talking. I spoke with her about the day and what was said about counseling. I also told her how I am reading my self help book and explained to her the ways that this can be damaging as well as how I can control this and not yell. She said to put everything I've learned into practice now and that she wants to help me but can only do so much We also talked about her actions and she said she was sorry that she made me feel that way. She apologized for her actions and insists she was joking with the girl and would not do anything to jeapordize our relationship....she thought I knew she was only having fun but understands how it would have angered me. She invited me over tomorrow to help watch after a kid she babysits for and said she can forgive me, it will just take time Good Jason You have the motivation to make this a good relationship. Would you consider the possibility that the drinking caused you to be super sensitive that night and she admitted she was just kidding about the girl , although anyone would be upset that your gf should have thought better. She too was drinking...( hugging or trying to kiss the girl ) judgement is off...agreed ?
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Thank you. I honestly cannot tell you how much this woman means to me. Agreed. Alcohol plays a key role in judgement and can also make one more sensitive in times when they typically would not be. This is something I need to be aware of and prevent from happening
Bangle Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I'd break up with her, she is manipulative and deceitful and if she was in Saudi Arabia now, she'd have no hands or feet.
seekandfind Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I think everyone is not paying enough attention to the girlfriend's actions here. Yes Jason was wrong to yell at her, and this has been discussed in great detail by many posters before me. I acknowledge this and wish to look in particular at a different aspect of the situation. For the gf to just brush off her hugging and flirting with that other girl as "just kidding around" is unacceptable in my opinion. She needs to understand that those behaviors are completely wrong and inappropriate in a committed relationship, and that she can't act way in the future. I don't think she would be very happy if you were acting that way around other girls. Because she is bi, her sexual/romantic actions toward other girls should be evaluated on the same level as her actions toward other guys. I am glad you guys are working together to remove any unhealthy anger and fighting from the relationship. However, don't overlook her interactions with other girls that initially sparked your anger.
D-Lish Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I think it depends on how you yell. Is it a matter of raising your voice, or are you swearing and frothing at the mouth (as in rage?) I would yell at my bf if we were in public and he hit on another woman in front of me. It has nothing to do with being bi. You don't get a free pass to flirt and cheat simply because you like both sexes. Your gf is being unrealistic if she thinks being with another woman isn't cheating- because it is. I yell sometimes, but I don't lose control when I yell, and I don't scream (I did when I was younger).
Mary3 Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I think everyone is not paying enough attention to the girlfriend's actions here. Yes Jason was wrong to yell at her, and this has been discussed in great detail by many posters before me. I acknowledge this and wish to look in particular at a different aspect of the situation. For the gf to just brush off her hugging and flirting with that other girl as "just kidding around" is unacceptable in my opinion. She needs to understand that those behaviors are completely wrong and inappropriate in a committed relationship, and that she can't act way in the future. I don't think she would be very happy if you were acting that way around other girls. Because she is bi, her sexual/romantic actions toward other girls should be evaluated on the same level as her actions toward other guys. I am glad you guys are working together to remove any unhealthy anger and fighting from the relationship. However, don't overlook her interactions with other girls that initially sparked your anger. You are right . The gf should not get a green light to act that way , bi or not. But I think both of them having alcohol in their system made the situation fueled. She has apologized to him and he has to her. They are now working on trying to make a better relationship . She has to trust that he will not scare her with his actions. He has to trust her when she says she only wants to be with him.
Citizen Erased Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 She's avoiding the issue at hand by making the focus on the OP "yelling" at her. I mean really, she is scared of him for raising his voice? If he'd been swearing at her and calling her names I'd see why but this is overreacting in my opinion. People get frustrated, they raise their voice. It's not an uncommon occurence. Her actions are unacceptable, bi or not. If my bf went and put his arm around some complete stranger and was flirting he'd be facing one pissed off Aussie.
BlueRidgeMTs Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) You should keep in mind that men are physically menacing to women in a way women are usually not to men. A lot of women make no distinction between male anger and male aggression. She probably got upset because she felt threatened. As an aside, if your GF is bi, you're going to have to open your relationship up just enough for her to get those needs met. Either that, or break up with her. Also, maybe you two could drink less? Just because she feels threatened, does not mean that he is really being abusive. See that is a fine line because she could say that she felt threatened just because he gave her an angry look. If she went down to court to get a restraining order against him, and all she could say was "well he yelled during an argument" (ESPESCIALLY once she tells what that last argument was about..) she would most likely be denied it, because she would have to show more than that. Believe me, i work within the system. There has to be a line drawn, or anything anybody says or does could get them in trouble. Guys cant help that they are bigger than we are, etc. I look for more things to be going on than just plain ol' yelling during an argument. Hell, ive yelled during an argument. Who gets into a heated argument and keeps the level of their voice low and normal?? Who??? Plus he said he wasnt throwing things around, wasnt hitting anything, etc. If he made threatening gestures to her...said threatening things to her (example..Im gonna beat the crap outta you..or.. next time you do that your gonna get hurt..etc.)..something else to go along with the yelling..then i would say he is being abusive. But just yelling during an argument? Not so much.. Edited June 29, 2010 by BlueRidgeMTs
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