jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 (edited) My GF and I have been together for almost a year now. We broke up for two months around January when we got into a fight over a silly thing that just escalated. We were both drinking and I started yelling when she wouldn't discuss it with me and simply wanted to leave. Not the best way to handle it but I blame it on the alcohol I guess. She said she was afraid of me after that. We got back together in less than two months after the fight and worked through everything. I promised her it would never happen again. But ultimately that fight was about a lot of underlying issues of her moving away potentially, being unsure of her feelings, etc, etc, etc.... Yesterday we had a great day in Chicago watching the Sox/Cubs game. My GF is bi and the gay pride parade was yesterday as well. A girl was hitting on my GF on the train and she moved away from me, put her arm around the girl, and seemed serious about actually giving the girl her phone number. My GF insisted she would never do this but seemed genuine. We had been drinking literally all day long. I tried talking about this with my GF in the car but she defended her actions and said this is part of who she is and asked why I am even with her if I can't accept it. She wouldn't talk to me at all and just kept repeating this until she started crying and said to just take her home. We had just talked a couple days ago about communicating better and I felt like she was ignoring that conversation. I lost it, yelled in the car, and she ran into her parents house bawling. She claims she's afraid of me yet again and says I need anger management help. Maybe I do. We were both in the wrong but she is placing a lot of blame simply on me yelling. This is twice now in one year and she claims I have a serious problem. I'm looking online right now to understand anger better because I don't ever want that to occur again. But am also trying to explain to her that her lack of communication does not help either. We are 27 and 24 (I'm older) and relationships aren't new to us but at the same time I know she has some growing up to do also Edited June 28, 2010 by jason83
Sivok Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Uhh the whole 'this is part of who I am' is bull****. I have a number of bi friends. Just because they're attracted to both sexes, it doesn't entitle them to be allowed to date a guy and a girl at the same time. There's no difference than her dating another guy... Unless all parties involved agree to 3somes . But yeah, she needs to grow up, and you need to control your alcohol consumption around her
TaurusTerp Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Yesterday we had a great day in Chicago watching the Sox/Cubs game. My GF is bi and the gay pride parade was yesterday as well. A girl was hitting on my GF on the train and she moved away from me, put her arm around the girl, and seemed serious about actually giving the girl her phone number. My GF insisted she would never do this but seemed genuine. We had been drinking literally all day long. I tried talking about this with my GF in the car but she defended her actions and said this is part of who she is and asked why I am even with her if I can't accept it. She wouldn't talk to me at all and just kept repeating this until she started crying and said to just take her home. We had just talked a couple days ago about communicating better and I felt like she was ignoring that conversation. I lost it, yelled in the car, and she ran into her parents house bawling. She claims she's afraid of me yet again and says I need anger management help. Maybe I do. Unless you're hiding details, it sounds like you're perfectly justified in getting pissed.
carhill Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Love more, consume less alcohol, have more sex. Both of you. Enjoy BTW, it wasn't the alcohol talking; it was you....
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 That was my point to her....that if you're with me, you're with me. Period. She says today that she was never going to give her number to her but she isn't looking at her full actions. She would have been upset if I had done that to her. And when we discussed her being bi, she told me that she was either fully with a guy or fully with a girl...no compromising the relationship. She still says she loves me, just needs time to reflect on this and figure this out. I have taken a few online quizzes and nothing says I have anger issues. It takes a lot for me to get mad and I contribute it to the alcohol intake as well as her not taking time to talk through this situation with me. Still, I should have remained in control of myself and I did lose it. It's not like I was throwing stuff, hitting stuff, etc....but yelling is never a positive thing
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Ok so I have taken several online quizzes now and it keeps saying that I have a pretty solid grasp on things but there is room for improvement. I found some local places and I am going to talk to a professional later today for an evaluation. I want to take this seriously to show her that I'm serious about this and about us. I seriously doubt they will recommend me for counseling but at least this shows I'm sincere about me promising to control myself and who knows maybe I will be given a few techniques that will help. I told her I have an appointment later today and she said "Ok" followed with me telling her that i hope this shows you how serious I am about resolving this issue for myself and also for us. I got another "Ok" back. Yes I still feel this is being blown way out of proportion but do you guys and gals feel I'm handling this the right way? I'm not really sure what more I can do. Obviously I'm committed to the success of this relationship
Arasae Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Okay. Back up. You yelled at her??? Look, I'm not excusing her behavior. Flirting with another woman, putting her arm around her, acting like she wanted her phone number--these are all not okay. These are definitely things you need to TALK with her about. Talk. Not yell. Maybe you could have waited, taken a breather, until you were calm. But yelling? That's not even borderline abuse. That IS abuse. There is never, EVER a good reason to yell at someone unless it's, "Look out for that bus!" That's a slippery slope you're on, and I think she has every reason to be afraid of you. I also don't think she's blowing it out of proportion. I think she's minimalizing her own faults, yes, but what you did is a deal-breaker in my book. If you're having this much trouble communicating, I'd suggest some couple's counseling. It sounds like you both have stuff you need to work through.
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 You bring up some very good points. Yelling is not acceptable and I lost it. I have an evaluation today and she wants me to call her afterwards which I will do. She also says I owe her mom and sisters an explanation/apology because they didn't believe I did it. Her mom is concerned this isn't a healthy relationship. I told her I would speak with her mom and do whatever it takes to show her I'm serious about this. I asked her if I take these steps, does she feel that we are building towards a healthy relationship. She says it's a step in the right direction but not a quick fix. Again I told her what I am going to do to ensure this doesn't happen again. She says I am already this way....I just need to find constructive ways to release those emotions. And then said "I really hope you are serious because the next time I won't be able to continue..." Thoughts? I'm trying my best to redeem myself here and honestly fix this
Chocolat Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 What does "yelling" entail exactly? Is it just a matter of raising your voice? Based on what you've presented here, my take is that your gf is doing a really good job of putting you on the defensive when it is her actions that are problematic. Would it have been ok if you had put your arm around another girl while you were on the train? After all, you're straight and she knows this is a part of you, right? Your gf behaved badly and if anyone has a right to be scared here, I would say it is you -- sounds like your gf thinks it is ok to cheat under the guide of her being "bi." That said, I think less drinking and finding a way to express your displeasure without yelling are also good goals. I just disagree with the notion that you are the villain of the piece.
Crazy Magnet Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 So you were drinking all day and then got in the car and drove home? First off, how is that ever a good idea?? Second, there is never any excuse in this world to justify yelling or losing your temper to such an extreme that another human being is scared of you. To me it looks like this relationship is one big ball of unhealthy. She's flirting with other people, you guys aren't communicating, you're yelling, and now she's making you jump through hoops like a circus dog to "fix" it. Yeah...this one is doomed unless you both take some drastic actions. As someone else mentioned, couples counseling can help you learn to communicate better but you both have to be willing to address the real issues to fix anything.
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 When she started crying and wouldn't discuss any of this, she said just to take her home. I tried a few times and she refused to talk further. I don't know why but I lost it at that point and started yelling (raised my voice a LOT) and said things along the lines of "You know, we talked about communicating and working through these types of things and now you're not even trying! All you want is for me to take you home when you know this could've been easily resolved if you'd just open up and talk to me" The yelling was wrong no matter what. I do think it's a shame that ALL of the blame is being put on me but I will take responsibility for my actions and apologize to her mom and sisters since I've already told her I'm sorry 100 times....and I will tell her again face to face how sorry I am.
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 The drinking started on our way to Chicago on the train. Then we had drinks at the game (from 11:30-3:00 maybe?) We took a cab to the train station, got some food from Taco Bell, boarded the train around 4:30, then had an hour train ride home where we both fell asleep for part of it. I was fine to drive by the time we made it to the car (I know my limits) but do realize the drinking only contributed negatively to this whole equation
make me believe Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Your girlfriend's behavior was inappropriate and definitely needs to be talked about because it was wrong. But your yelling is TOTALLY unacceptable and I don't blame her for being upset about it and scared of you! I don't think it is ever ok to yell at your SO, unless you just found out they cheated on you or something. You lost control, and now she is wondering what else will make you lose control or how far it will go the next time. Those are valid concerns! I would be completely freaked out if my boyfriend yelled at me. It would probably be a deal-breaker if it happened more than once. I think it's strange that she's involving her mom & sister in your problems, though. You shouldn't need to apologize to them... this issue is between you and your girlfriend. I do think it's great that you're being really proactive in fixing this. I doubt that you have some sort of anger management problem or anything, you just need to recognize boundaries and lines that shouldn't be crossed. Yelling at your girlfriend is one of them. Make a promise to yourself that it will never happen again, and when you feel yourself getting to the point where you want to yell, remove yourself from the situation and come back to talk about it later when you're more calm.
Crazy Magnet Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Your girlfriend's behavior was inappropriate and definitely needs to be talked about because it was wrong. But your yelling is TOTALLY unacceptable and I don't blame her for being upset about it and scared of you! I don't think it is ever ok to yell at your SO, unless you just found out they cheated on you or something. You lost control, and now she is wondering what else will make you lose control or how far it will go the next time. Those are valid concerns! I would be completely freaked out if my boyfriend yelled at me. It would probably be a deal-breaker if it happened more than once. I think it's strange that she's involving her mom & sister in your problems, though. You shouldn't need to apologize to them... this issue is between you and your girlfriend. I do think it's great that you're being really proactive in fixing this. I doubt that you have some sort of anger management problem or anything, you just need to recognize boundaries and lines that shouldn't be crossed. Yelling at your girlfriend is one of them. Make a promise to yourself that it will never happen again, and when you feel yourself getting to the point where you want to yell, remove yourself from the situation and come back to talk about it later when you're more calm. Yes, I have no idea why you have to apologize to her sister or Mom. That makes no sense at all. You have done nothing to either one of them. Methinks this gf of yours is just trying to make you run around like a puppet to make herself feel better after being hurt. This needs to stay between the two of you. If you were fine to drive, then the alcohol cannot be contributed to your yelling problem as it would have been out of your system.
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Her mom and I are fairly close and her mom is fully aware of how my GF has been through a lot of our relationship....and how she can be a handful at times. I think it's because she was so upset and obviously went inside. Her mom was home and was the one who talked to her after this all happened. I think her mom is more concerned than anything which I can't say that I blame her Again I don't know what more I can do
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Big Red Flag here regarding YOU She said she is AFRAID of you ! You YELL and you drink . We are not sitting with her right now and getting her side. I think you are in denial. Please stop the drinking , get help for your anger management and your drinking. Mark my words that this girl is not here to defend herself and is SCARED of you ! The part about her being bi and the girl on the train. That was YOUR interpretation WHILE DRUNK that your girl was sitting too close , talking too much to the girl. Whether they changed numbers or anything else was likely twisted by you in your drunken state. I say you DO have issues with her bisexuality . Her also drinking maybe made her more friendly to the girl and thats why she put her arm around her. YOU have issues. She is going to dump you if you don't get AHOLD of your anger.
Author jason83 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 And I am trying my best to figure out MY problematic areas. I have quoted some of my gf's text messages today. If she were not interested in working past this, she would have already broken up with me and she has not. I have to do what I can for myself and hope that we are able to work past this
TaurusTerp Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I must be old fashioned. If my girlfriend is flirting with someone else, I'd probably yell at her too. I dont know how you would expect someone to just sit there and calmly and rationally discuss the issue. Screw that. I'd make it clear that it's not ****ING ACCEPTABLE FOR YOU TO ****ING FLIRT WITH ANYONE I DONT GIVE A **** WHAT THEIR GENDER IS! I think it's absurd for you to be the bad guy here. You didn't hit her, push her, whatever. You did nothing wrong. Yelling is NOT abuse. I don't know what goddamn fairy tale you people have been living in.
Arasae Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Yelling is NOT abuse. I don't know what goddamn fairy tale you people have been living in. Um, yes, yes it is abuse. I pity any woman who winds up with you if you think that it's a "fairy tale" where people don't yell at each other. It's called mutual respect, open communication, and kindness. If these are "fairy tale" qualities in your mind, I hate to think what else is acceptable for you!
TaurusTerp Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Um, yes, yes it is abuse. I pity any woman who winds up with you if you think that it's a "fairy tale" where people don't yell at each other. It's called mutual respect, open communication, and kindness. If these are "fairy tale" qualities in your mind, I hate to think what else is acceptable for you! Oh, please. So if your boyfriend sleeps with your best friend, you'll be totally calm and willing to discuss it without ever raising your voice, right? Or is it a one way street and a woman can yell and it's not abuse? So unbelievably full of crap.
TaurusTerp Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 And for the record, I've never yelled at a girlfriend. If a gf had so little respect for me as to flirt/touch someone else in front of me and didn't even apologize, I would've just dumped her then and there. That's so intensely disrespectful.
TaurusTerp Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 You should keep in mind that men are physically menacing to women in a way women are usually not to men. A lot of women make no distinction between male anger and male aggression. She probably got upset because she felt threatened. As an aside, if your GF is bi, you're going to have to open your relationship up just enough for her to get those needs met. Either that, or break up with her. Also, maybe you two could drink less? Lolwut? I'm a horny bastard, I guess all my future relationships will need to be opened up just enough to get my needs met.
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 you should keep in mind that men are physically menacing to women in a way women are usually not to men. a lot of women make no distinction between male anger and male aggression. She probably got upset because she felt threatened. as an aside, if your gf is bi, you're going to have to open your relationship up just enough for her to get those needs met. Either that, or break up with her. Also, maybe you two could drink less? bingo !............
Mary3 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Um, yes, yes it is abuse. I pity any woman who winds up with you if you think that it's a "fairy tale" where people don't yell at each other. It's called mutual respect, open communication, and kindness. If these are "fairy tale" qualities in your mind, I hate to think what else is acceptable for you! Exactly ! ..............
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