OldEurope Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 (edited) On another thread, I described difficulty I was having in reconciling with a long-time friend owing to some trust issues. It has not gone well. Recently I found out something strange...and confusing. Would like any perspective, if possible. Thanks in advance. Earlier in the year, as an initial gesture to start extending olive branches to her, I sent her a catalogue with some artwork of mine that was being featured in a local gallery, plus some photos of the art. There was my picture and some biographical details. I put it in a nice package, and wrote her a brief, kind letter. At the time, my email address had changed. I did not give her the new email address, basically out of a certain shyness and not "expecting" her to resume contact. I didn't want the implied pressure on her---not then. Fast forward to this month, early June, and we are back talking. At first it was going very well. I mentioned the art work and she said that she did not get it, that her apartment building was so large "perhaps someone received it by mistake". I live overseas, so I imagined something got mixed up between oceans, plane schedules, who knows. I asked if I should re-send it and she was very enthusiastic. I then resent the whole package. She also mentioned that she had tried to contact me earlier in the year "just to try to resume things" but that the email bounced back. I quickly added that the address had changed; that I then just kept a low profile not wanting to "assume" any feelings of friendship by getting the e-mails rolling again. In our phone conversation, I believe she understood that. She was once a very good, fun friend, with the same take on life; someone I truly did like. Our friendship has not, alas, survived the attempt to reconcile this last time around. The mood, the tone are just not there in the right way. Yes, I believe she (recently) received the second package (there's been no confirmation, and she does, of course, have the new email address, but I sent it priority and...so on). However, I just found out something quite bewildering: from a mutual friend, I found out that she DID in fact receive that first package of my artwork (back in January). That early, rejected email of hers was apparently a thank-you note for it. I am absolutely STUMPED as to why she would lie about something like this!!!! Why would one lie about not receiving a package? A gift of published artwork? An unassuming letter enclosed? I mean, I can excuse all kinds of white lies to cover one's privacy, details about private life, or professional problems or that nature of thing...But to lie about that? And on top of it all---a wasted 20 euros this last time in priority mail! Do any of you wise minds have any possible insight into the kind of psychology at work here?? OE Edited June 28, 2010 by OldEurope
Ronni_W Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Just ask her. Tell her that you'd really like to keep rebuilding the friendship with her but, before you can wholeheartedly do that, you'd appreciate it if she can confirm a rumour that you've heard. (I wouldn't mention from whom you've heard it.) If she cops to having received the first package, then say that you are open to hearing her reasons for having you resend it. (I wouldn't talk about expense or inconvenience.) At some point, though, you will need to decide for yourself if this relationship is busted beyond repair. (Kind of sounds like your attitude and feelings are leaning in that direction, doesn't it?) In any case, did you send her "a catalogue with some artwork of yours" or "a gift of published artwork"? Maybe it's just me, but there is a world of difference between the two, IMO. Best of luck. If it's what you really want, I do hope you two will be able to sort things out.
Author OldEurope Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Just ask her. Tell her that you'd really like to keep rebuilding the friendship with her but, before you can wholeheartedly do that, you'd appreciate it if she can confirm a rumour that you've heard. (I wouldn't mention from whom you've heard it.) If she cops to having received the first package, then say that you are open to hearing her reasons for having you resend it. (I wouldn't talk about expense or inconvenience.) At some point, though, you will need to decide for yourself if this relationship is busted beyond repair. (Kind of sounds like your attitude and feelings are leaning in that direction, doesn't it?) In any case, did you send her "a catalogue with some artwork of yours" or "a gift of published artwork"? Maybe it's just me, but there is a world of difference between the two, IMO. Best of luck. If it's what you really want, I do hope you two will be able to sort things out. Hello Ronnie Thank you for your reply. It was a really beautiful catalogue (more like a book) with my stuff in it, and I did mean it as a gift--i.e. wrapped nicely, a nice note, etc. It is a difficult friendship she is very touchy; questionable self esteem. Eventually I will ask....In the right way. I am just perplexed as to why she lied about having received the first package. I am inclined to to "read into" something to there... OE
marlena Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 How odd, OE!! Could she be envious of you? Just a thought!
vintagecat Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Like Ronni, there is a world of difference to me between a catalog, gallery manual, brochure, whatnot than actual artwork itself. Perhaps your friend pitched it out after her aborted attempt at contact, thinking that it was completely over but wished she hadn't after the two of you re-established contact. Perhaps the lie was in hope to get another one so that you could talk about the art and a cover for tossing away something that you intended as a gift. She probably wouldn't have thrown away actual art, but a catalog? Quite possibly. I might have thrown something mass produced away after looking through it unless it really spoke to me or unless the friendship was active and important. Maybe she thought that you were trying to sell her something? Who knows. Anyway, the loose change in terminology from catalog to art in your posts suggests that you might want to tighten up your communication as well to avoid simple misunderstandings which could in fact also be a source of trust issues between yourself and your friend. Like Ronni says, ask her, but it seems (given the other thread) that the the move/counter move jostling for position between yourself and this friend have killed whatever spontaneity and joy that your friendship might have once contained. Perhaps this is a learning experience with a one-time friendship that can't be revived but can be used to avoid repeating a pattern in the future. If that's the case, let this go. It's water under the bridge. Good luck with this issue. Cat
Author OldEurope Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Like Ronni, there is a world of difference to me between a catalog, gallery manual, brochure, whatnot than actual artwork itself. Perhaps your friend pitched it out after her aborted attempt at contact, thinking that it was completely over but wished she hadn't after the two of you re-established contact. Perhaps the lie was in hope to get another one so that you could talk about the art and a cover for tossing away something that you intended as a gift. She probably wouldn't have thrown away actual art, but a catalog? Quite possibly. I might have thrown something mass produced away after looking through it unless it really spoke to me or unless the friendship was active and important. Maybe she thought that you were trying to sell her something? Who knows. Anyway, the loose change in terminology from catalog to art in your posts suggests that you might want to tighten up your communication as well to avoid simple misunderstandings which could in fact also be a source of trust issues between yourself and your friend. Like Ronni says, ask her, but it seems (given the other thread) that the the move/counter move jostling for position between yourself and this friend have killed whatever spontaneity and joy that your friendship might have once contained. Perhaps this is a learning experience with a one-time friendship that can't be revived but can be used to avoid repeating a pattern in the future. If that's the case, let this go. It's water under the bridge. Good luck with this issue. Cat Hi Cat, many thanks for your reply. I appreciate it (an on the other thread as well).... I should be more clear here (apologies): here in Italy, a "catalogue" in this case is an art book--and a nice one. The word-equivalent in many European languages could stand for something "throwaway" or a real keepsake. In this case, it was is beautiful, dense coffee-table book, high-quality production, and my work was in it. A real showpiece for me. The retail for this "catalogue" (book) was about 25 euros...(So in other words, definately not something mass produced.) So we are talking about something "substantial" and beautifully made, in addition to which there were some nice professional photos done (of my art--sculpture) that too were not just, you know, throw-away polaroids. I should have made this more clear above, indeed. I am "thinking" in Italian vocabularies sometimes. As for the "jostling of positions" as you call it, I am afraid it DOES look like that from the outside (from these threads of mine), though I truly did go into our reconciliation earlier this month whole-heartedly. I also sent an apology last week for any misunderstanding that came between us, to which she did not reply. OE
Author OldEurope Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 (edited) How odd, OE!! Could she be envious of you? Just a thought! Kalispera, Persephone....Back yet from the underworld of hiding out from what's-his-face? I'm afraid that you are touching on a "sinking feeling" of mine---that she threw it out. Out of envy, malice or who knows what. It is too odd. As I just wrote to "Vintagecat" above (meow), this "catalogue" is indeed a beautiful art-book from a very nice gallery. This was definately a showy gift, if I may just add that. I think that in Greece, as in Italy (as in all over Europe), this kind of catalogue is not the mail-order version one thinks of in the usual English language sense of the word, but a high-quality publication. Was thinking in the local tongue again... I just think it weird that she would simply not say, at the very least, "I gave away my copy" or something of that nature, than to deny ever having received it. Bummed, and confused. OE Edited June 28, 2010 by OldEurope
vintagecat Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Given (with added explanation) that this wasn't cheap, widely proliferated promotional type literature but rather a nice commemorative gift book and given that she has not responded to your apology, I'd say that you are done and won't likely ever get a satisfactory answer to your question. If I had to guess, I'd say that your gift probably went into the trash or charity box and that she subsequently regretted it's absence when it seemed that things were on the mend. That's the only logical explanation that I can reach, but when dealing with people, logical can sometimes be too restrictive of a mode. If there is (and has in the past been) so much angst and miscommunication, this is probably not a very healthy relationship to continue should an avenue suddenly reappear. I'd let it die a natural death. Other, more friendly fish in the sea, ya know? Again, good luck to you. BTW, your gift sounded lovely based upon the apparent differences in the quality and intent of "catalogs" of various nations. Cat
marlena Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) OldEurope;2864905]Kalispera, Persephone....Back yet from the underworld of hiding out from what's-his-face? Haha!! Is that why it is so dark around here!! I'm afraid that you are touching on a "sinking feeling" of mine---that she threw it out. Out of envy, malice or who knows what. It is too odd. Yes, somehow, this is the vibe I get. It is possible that she is envious of your accomplishments, your looks, your husband or that you live in Italy. Who knows? It could be anything. I sense this sort of thing with some of my friends and I don't like it one bit. If a friend can't take joy in my accomplishments or my good fortune, as it were, I seriously have to question the quality and authenticity of said friendship. Women are renowned for their competiveness with other woman, so, I would think about this and see if it may be the case, an explanation for her odd behaviour. Of course, I could be way off as I don't know her. But you do. So, give it some consideration. As I just wrote to "Vintagecat" above (meow), this "catalogue" is indeed a beautiful art-book from a very nice gallery. This was definately a showy gift, if I may just add that. I think that in Greece, as in Italy (as in all over Europe), this kind of catalogue is not the mail-order version one thinks of in the usual English language sense of the word, but a high-quality publication. Was thinking in the local tongue again... I knew right away what kind of art-book you were referring to so that is why I did not question it all. Yes, a local peculiarity. Tres European. I just think it weird that she would simply not say, at the very least, "I gave away my copy" or something of that nature, than to deny ever having received it. Bummed, and confused. OEShe probably thought that it was easier to just deny having received it. That way no other questions would ensue. No need to explain further. I understand that you are bummed and confused. She must have meant a lot to you once. But, c' est la vie as the saying goes. Friends go and come in our lives and we just have to let them go sometimes. Edited June 29, 2010 by marlena
Author OldEurope Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 Haha!! Is that why it is so dark around here!! Yes, somehow, this is the vibe I get. It is possible that she is envious of your accomplishments, your looks, your husband or that you live in Italy. Who knows? It could be anything. I sense this sort of thing with some of my friends and I don't like it one bit. If a friend can't take joy in my accomplishments or my good fortune, as it were, I seriously have to question the quality and authenticity of said friendship. Women are renowned for their competiveness with other woman, so, I would think about this and see if it may be the case, an explanation for her odd behaviour. Of course, I could be way off as I don't know her. But you do. So, give it some consideration. I knew right away what kind of art-book you were referring to so that is why I did not question it all. Yes, a local peculiarity. Tres European. She probably thought that it was easier to just deny having received it. That way no other questions would ensue. No need to explain further. I understand that you are bummed and confused. She must have meant a lot to you once. But, c' est la vie as the saying goes. Friends go and come in our lives and we just have to let them go sometimes. The most beautiful CD I ever bought was one of the music of Haris Alexiou...It was a like an art book just for the disk itself.... As to the rest,....As usual, wise words from you....I would have to agree.........Thank you for your patient counsel! Tres sad! .... Now, I am going to go check-up on you over on your Stalker thread...Too funny...(but no joke!) OE
marlena Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 The most beautiful CD I ever bought was one of the music of Haris Alexiou...It was a like an art book just for the disk itself.... As to the rest,....As usual, wise words from you....I would have to agree.........Thank you for your patient counsel! Tres sad! .... Now, I am going to go check-up on you over on your Stalker thread...Too funny...(but no joke!) OE Always glad to help!
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