Is it definitely over or do I still have a chance?

[James_W]

Hi, This is a long one so bare with me, please help answer if you can or please ask any questions if you have any as I may have missed a few things out.

 

Basically I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years now, I was her first love and her first time. She is the nicest and most loyal person I have ever known and also very truthful. At first we saw each other often then after around 10 months it died down as I had constant work. Just over a year into our relationship my girlfriend started university where she studied law for 4 years. We were away from each other for longer periods but we constantly missed each other and tried seeing each other as often as we could and would love spending the long summer holidays together. But then in the last few years arguments started, it was always about small little things. The arguments were started by her but I started to change at first I was very patience and then I started to argue back in the last few years. I started to gain weight in the last few years, become very unsocial just wanting to stay in, I was very very immature and also lazy. She consistently asked me to lose weight, become more social, stop acting immature etc. I made broken promises of fixing these problems with myself. In the last year I lost my job and struggled to find a successful job so started off small. She finally told me that she didn't love me anymore and doesn't feel anything for me, I reacted saying that we could work out, that I could change and make her happy and that I really love her but she said that was not the problem and that she just knew this was the right thing to do. This continued with me contacting her for the next few days explaining how I will change and that I was sorry I didn't listen before etc etc but I received the same answers and she was starting to become fed up. I didn't contact her for over a week where I managed to arrange to meet her as a friend. When I met her I had managed to lose weight and was looking better than I did before. We spent 3-4 hours together and went for dinner where towards the end of the day I started to ask again what had gone wrong and if we could work together to resolve this. She did get very upset but she explained that she's felt this way for the last few years and has been living a lie keeping this relationship going for that long hoping it would work. she explained that she started to use uni as an excuse to spend time away from me as we were arguing at times and she wasn't quite feeling it. She said that the weight situation, laziness, me being unsocial and immature was not the reason for how she is feeling. I dropped her back and we talked for a short period of time before I told her I never want to see her again and left abruptly. She called an hour later and said she wasn't sure what she wanted and that at that moment she felt like she wanted us to work out and wanted me to come back and see her. I saw her and we spoke as friends for a few hours and then as I left I asked if we could give it a chance to work together and when I could next contact or see her. She was busy for the next few days so I gave her some space. She went out clubbing with friends the next few nights and then contacted me two days later saying that she is definitely sure it is over, I tried convincing her and talking to her for a while about it but she did not want to try and work things out, didn't want to see a councellor or do anything and did not want to see me again for 4 months. I called her the next day and I realised as much as I love her and want to be with her I do not want to lose her even as a friend for 3 whole months so have managed to arrange to see her again frequently but only as friends. I truly do love her and care for her so much I am ready to let her go as I just want her to be happy, It will be hard but I can let her move on and I will eventually be ready to move on myself. I just wanted to know that besides from changing my faults she was not happy with is there anything else I can or should do. I don't want to try convince her of giving us another go anymore I just wanted to know if from anyones experience if you think that there is some chance whether it would be after 3 months, a year or even longer that we could be together again.

 

I have always been the nicest person to her and have given her everything she wanted except for the changes in myself, I did start to become a bit too attached to her towards the end of our relationship and would not go out with her friends. It just kills me that she says it's definitely over because although I know this has been brewing in her mind for the last 2 years to me it seemed to have happened over a day. I know I have been an idiot in this relationship and have ruined it myself by not listening to her but I was just looking at some help and advice.

 

James

[James_W]

Just to follow up I am probably seeing her this evening. I can live with being friends and not talking about our relationship or about getting back together or telling her how I still love her so much but I'm guessing that if I see her as a friend frequently that is all she is ever going to see me as (a friend) as she says she already does.

[StarrySkyBlue]

I typed up a long reply for this, but it didn't go through. So, here it goes again:

 

I think you both got together when you were still young (before uni), and people do change over time. Now it seems like she's looking for someone who has the same kind of drive, is independent and confident. She went to law school, there's no doubt she's the smart, independent type, so I think she's looking for the same thing in guys she wants to date.

 

You can try to change, but not for her. Of course, I agree that you should always try to become more secure, more mature, more confident. But you can't change who you are. If you're a laid-back kind of guy, your lifestyle might not be compatible with hers. Right now, I do think that trying to get a secure job and excel at it, getting over your insecurity and finding out what you want and who you are is the best thing to do. Focus on yourself. You might or might not get back together with her, but I think the main thing is you need to know what you want in life first.

 

My advice is to go NC, at least for a while. Being 'friends' is just going to hurt you more in the long run. She lost respect for you, so you need to detach yourself from her and take perhaps a few years off, find yourself and be confident in who you are and what you want again. After that, who knows, you might get back together when she sees you in a completely new light. But don't dwell on that possibility for now. You need to move on and be able to be happy on your own.

 

I wish you all the best!

[James_W]

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I think you may be right about the NC. I think I may still see her today most likely for the last time especially if I find it's going to prolong the break up period, stop me from moving on and make it worse then I will definitely put an end to it. I just really wish we could be very good friends but I'm guessing this just doesn't work out and makes things worse. I forgot to mention that I have already managed to find a very good job and being very successful is something that helps drive me on. I am in much better shape, eating a lot healthier and have already contacted old friends and have arranged to go out. I always thought of love as a physical thing, e.g. Based on personality, looks, how successful you are and how you connect and keep the fire burning but she mentioned before that these things do not and would not ever make a difference and it is something non physical e.g. some sort of supernatural thing that attracts and makes you fall in love with someone and not something you can touch, feel, smell etc. I don't believe in these kind of things so it really makes me wonder what are some girls thinking about.

[Ilovecake]

James unfortunately if somebody doesn't love you there is nothing you can do to make them fall in love with you. I know right now that lack of control feels awful but sooner or later your brain and heart will have to let her go.

 

People change, grow apart and their feelings change. This is not your fault, most likely she's the one that changed. Like you said you were her first, 5 years is a very long time for someone that young to be in a serious relationship. After breaking it off with you she called because she got scared. Even though she does not want to be with you she’s very used to you being these and letting go completely of any habit is scary.

[James_W]

I did see her tonight and we went out for a drink. We spoke for a few hours then I dropped her home and talked for just under an hour. I am happy to be just friends, as she no longer feels anything for me at all this is helping to push me away more and see her just as a friend. It will still take time for me to get over it and maybe this isn't the best way to do things but I do seem to be ok with it and can actually start to picture us meeting other people and being ok with it. I just hope that the next person I do meet is perfect for me and that the love doesn't die down but i think I will concentrate on my career for now. Thanks for all of the help and advice, it really has helped me although I do still believe love is linked to looks, how you connect, security, personality, keeping the excitement going in a relation ship etc and I believe that if you were ever in love with someone for a long period of time and then fell out of love with them then it can always be resolved by fixing these things not necessarily saying that all of these things are always fixable. I agree that people can change their feelings and who they are attracted to and this can cause them to fall out of love with someone but this is probably most likely to happen by causes of outside influences e.g. Celebrities in magazines, TV shows more likely friends and people you meet. Anyway thanks again for your advice and encouragement guys next step as previously mentioned is to get myself in order and concentrate on my career.