NoIDidn't Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I'm not blaming the marriage. Silliness. I'm saying it's painfully obvious on this forum that WS are not allowed to say how they feel without being bombarded with "shame" messages. Why is it such a taboo subject -- the WS's feelings? I in no way blamed my husband. I asked a question. I've also noticed people read into things what they choose. No offense meant. I didn't say I blame my husband. I asked what was going on in the marriage at the time. I apologize for the assumption. I think your wanting to have the WS present their feelings is valid, but not in the context your OP states. The BSs here are mostly complaining about the fallout post-affair and the lies and hurtful things told and done to them during the A. Why didn't you ask the WSs about that? I know this isn't my thread, but I think a better way of asking the question would be why did the WS feel that circumstances in the marriage led to the affair. Why did they do it? Not, what made them do it. There is a difference.
bullhunter Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I was depressed. Meanwhile my wife became overstressed due to career issues. Neither of us dealt well with the issues in our lives and both of us tended to internally blame the other for problems. We grew more distant. Our sex life though still active became less fun. In retrospect, my wife attempted to make me feel good about myself, but was unable to do so because she felt so bad about herself. We were circling the drain. A woman I had contact with made me feel both important and intelligent, something I hadn't felt for far too long. It made me feel good to be around her, so I found reasons to be around her as close to everyday as possible. When she moved to a different state we decided to keep in contact. With distance and imagination she became something special to me. We visited each other. I made reasons to visit her state, she mine. It didn't take too many visits before I realized she wasn't the person my imagination had made her, but I had already damaged my marriage. Overall, it was the stupidest and most painful thing I've ever done.
wheelwright Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I was very distressed for 3 years prior to A because my M felt dead to me and I didn't know what to do about it. I raised concerns very cagily with H, and he brushed over it. I didn't push it. He kept saying he thought everything was fine. I ceased to expect my needs being met by H a few months before A. I think this is what did it - was the turning point. I had explained so many times, and nothing changed. But I didn't do what perhaps I should, which was bring us to crisis point then, prior to A. Been more honest about how broken inside I felt because of it.
Author Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 I know my MM too felt sexually rejected by his wife. So once we reconnected and the passion between us became obvious, it was such a relief for both of us to have someone truly desire us. To finally have this need met was incredibly satisfying and fulfilling. I can imagine that is the case. Although my husband hasn't approached much for sex -- only the one discussion since I've been back -- I do think he feels rejected sexually. I've had a recent surgical procedure, but I'm going to try to start remedying that situation once I recuperate. We're going on a trip to the mountains soon. We had an "open marriage" at his insistance, but I still cheated in that I lied to him and developed an emotional connection which was not the arrangement. He was really more interested in benefits to him than me taking advantage, and I knew he'd say no until he saw an option for him again, because his well had temporarily ran dry. My husband was abusive. He called me names, he did other stuff, don't want to rehash anymore. I was afraid to leave but I felt so damn lonely. I thought I was unlovable anyhow and worried some that was how all men acted because it was recurring. That thought pattern is very common in abusive situations. The abused feels like they "deserve" it. It's a product of all the emotional abuse. He insisted I not go to counselling and he wouldn't go... even when I brought up divorce in the past or said we really need marriage counselling. He wouldn't give me access to money so I could go to counselling. (Stay at home mom) Yes, that's definitely abuse. He told me that if we got a divorce he would disappear and never give child support. He played on my emotions about growing up extremely poor myself and told me that I'd be putting my son through the same thing for my selfishness. I never, ever, ever would have had the courage to leave without the affair and seeing that it was different, and the counselling I was able to get into... I regret that in the sense I wish I was stronger, but not given the circumstances and who I was as it were, I don't regret the affair.I don't think I would either if I were you. I agree affairs don't happen in a vacuum. I've been cheated on before, too, and it wasn't because our relationship was great. It was because there were things we, and yes, I needed to work on. And those were in relationships, with much less tying one there and making one feel "trapped" even if unhappy, like children. I know a man (friend, not someone I was ever involved with) that cheated on his wife, stopped, and stayed who is unhappy to this day but when he looked at divorce saw how little time he'd get with his children and so puts on a happy face to his wife. I don't agree with him on that decision, and I've told him so, but I definitely *understand* where he's coming from. It's tough. Yeah, affairs might not be the best option, but in my situation and thinking of others, I see why they happen and don't think it's all just a chance for something new (outside of serial cheaters).I agree. I apologize for the assumption. I think your wanting to have the WS present their feelings is valid, but not in the context your OP states. The BSs here are mostly complaining about the fallout post-affair and the lies and hurtful things told and done to them during the A. Why didn't you ask the WSs about that? I know this isn't my thread, but I think a better way of asking the question would be why did the WS feel that circumstances in the marriage led to the affair. Why did they do it? Not, what made them do it. There is a difference. Where in this post: "Discussion in another thread lead me to start this one. For those who have cheated, if you had to narrow it down to one thing that was hurting you the most or was the most damaging aspect of your marriage (i.e. the lack of intimacy, the lack of a connection during lovemaking (or more appropriately the sexual act since there was a lack....), the lack of an emotional connection in general, the dishonesty in the relationship via communication, etc), what would it be? Feel free to list whatever strikes you as the truth for your situation........ " did I ask "What did your spouse do to make you have an affair?" I was asking what I asked in the vein of wondering what the WS felt was happening in their marriage that had the result of making them particularly vulnerable. What hurt them the most? It's actually not even my wording -- I saw a thread started for the BS asking them a similar question and I cut and pasted it -- altered it to speak to WS -- and started a thread for them. I often think what is going on with the WS as far as feelings are concerned is taboo -- and I'm interested. Plus, I think it's therapeutic for the WS to feel they can express themselves also. I'm not bashing anyone because we're all entitled to our feelings...just providing a comment and perspective based on some of the answers here. When I was M, I felt rejected (H frequently rejected me sexually and we had sex at most once a month for the duration of our ten year M, except about a month of HB after dday). I was ignored on birthdays, holidays, Mondays, most days...I was more lonely in my M than I had ever been on my own. There was more to the story (he's disordered, was verbally abusive most days, physically abusive on occassion, etc) but the bottom line is that I chose to try work on the M to fix these problems and then D'd when I realized I couldn't do anymore by myself to fix it. It would take both of us to make the M work. He chose to cheat in his words because it was "good to feel wanted". Yeah. I'd have liked to have felt wanted too So for those who have felt the way I did in their M's and this is what led them to cheat...I can totally understand what a bad feeling that is. For those that have stated that the cheating was them and not the M, I can totally relate to that too. I wanted to be wanted and loved so bad but turning to another man was not a consideration for me. I'm sorry for what you experienced. I felt lonely also and handled feeling that way very poorly. I was depressed. Meanwhile my wife became overstressed due to career issues. Neither of us dealt well with the issues in our lives and both of us tended to internally blame the other for problems. We grew more distant. Our sex life though still active became less fun. In retrospect, my wife attempted to make me feel good about myself, but was unable to do so because she felt so bad about herself. We were circling the drain. A woman I had contact with made me feel both important and intelligent, something I hadn't felt for far too long. It made me feel good to be around her, so I found reasons to be around her as close to everyday as possible. When she moved to a different state we decided to keep in contact. With distance and imagination she became something special to me. We visited each other. I made reasons to visit her state, she mine. It didn't take too many visits before I realized she wasn't the person my imagination had made her, but I had already damaged my marriage. Overall, it was the stupidest and most painful thing I've ever done. I agree -- I feel it was one of the most stupid things I've done also. I do think imagination plays into a lot of it also. It's almost like the AP becomes a fairy tale like character. It's impossible to compare brief and passionate interludes with a marriage relationship. I was very distressed for 3 years prior to A because my M felt dead to me and I didn't know what to do about it. I raised concerns very cagily with H, and he brushed over it. I didn't push it. He kept saying he thought everything was fine. I ceased to expect my needs being met by H a few months before A. I think this is what did it - was the turning point. I had explained so many times, and nothing changed. But I didn't do what perhaps I should, which was bring us to crisis point then, prior to A. Been more honest about how broken inside I felt because of it. I think it's easier said than done wheelwright and we all know hindsight is 20/20 vision.
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