Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Discussion in another thread lead me to start this one. For those who have cheated, if you had to narrow it down to one thing that was hurting you the most or was the most damaging aspect of your marriage (i.e. the lack of intimacy, the lack of a connection during lovemaking (or more appropriately the sexual act since there was a lack....), the lack of an emotional connection in general, the dishonesty in the relationship via communication, etc), what would it be? Feel free to list whatever strikes you as the truth for your situation........
pkn06002 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 not being even in the top 3 of my wifes priority list.
spriggig Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 There are very few WS's on this site. Why would there be? Cheating isn't hard, they don't need tips, really. Also, cheaters aren't really into the whole "public acknowledgment" thing. You'll find a lot of innocent people over in the OW/OM forum though.
NoIDidn't Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Discussion in another thread lead me to start this one. For those who have cheated, if you had to narrow it down to one thing that was hurting you the most or was the most damaging aspect of your marriage (i.e. the lack of intimacy, the lack of a connection during lovemaking (or more appropriately the sexual act since there was a lack....), the lack of an emotional connection in general, the dishonesty in the relationship via communication, etc), what would it be? Feel free to list whatever strikes you as the truth for your situation........ I'm surprised at you, D. Blaming the marriage for *making* you cheat?! I can see how the marriage made you want better, but you chose the cheating. It takes two to tango, hon. These things go both ways and it becomes a vicious cycle that begins to feed itself. It would be far more helpful to you to accept that things aren't what you want, and devise a plan from that. Blaming your H via the M is immature, IMO.
U2RockZz Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Discussion in another thread lead me to start this one. For those who have cheated, if you had to narrow it down to one thing that was hurting you the most or was the most damaging aspect of your marriage (i.e. the lack of intimacy, the lack of a connection during lovemaking (or more appropriately the sexual act since there was a lack....), the lack of an emotional connection in general, the dishonesty in the relationship via communication, etc), what would it be? Feel free to list whatever strikes you as the truth for your situation........ why didn't your H cheated then.....????
carhill Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 In the M, abject abandonment. Personally, desperation and low self-esteem. I had other opportunities and, even under those circumstances, could pass them up, but this one was different. It's resolved now, responsibility taken, price paid (in a costly divorce) and time to move forward with the lessons learned. MC was key to regaining the sense of right and wrong which was lost during that time. I heartily recommend it.
anne1707 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Feel free to list whatever strikes you as the truth for your situation........ It wasn't the marriage, it was me. My H was in the same marriage as me and did not cheat yet I did. I should have said something, done something to highlight the need we had to address any problems we were having. Instead I took the selfish option of having an affair.
Spark1111 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 fBS here...but my fWS would have said "My marriage made me do it," 2.5 years ago. Today, he would say dealing with abject self-loathing for his breathtaking selfishness and self-enititlement. He re-wrote his own history and legacy by becoming the very man he despised: a cowardly conflict-avoider.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 The hardest part of all of the cheating I did can be summed up pretty much like this: all of the experiences had expiration dates going into them, and it was often hard to make the other person adhere to that, and understand that when it was time to end - that meant END. I can't really say any of the primary relationships I was in were necessarily 'hard' - just that at that time in my life I was missing something inside myself rather than finding fault with any of the people I was in primary relationships with.
OFGnomore Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Emotional disconnection from my husband. And MY lack of awareness and my inability of how to cope with our problems like an adult.
Hazyhead Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I don't normally post in this 'role' but when I went into the A I was in a relationship of many years. I am the reason I cheated, not the R. One thing that did contribute to the way I checked out of my life was a major life-changing event that happened around that time, which I don't want to go into here, but I didn't deal with it well; in fact, I didn't deal with it at all. Instead, because everybody else seemed to be getting on with things fine, I took the easy way out and found comfort elsewhere. As a result of me disconnecting my primary relationship failed and I ended it. The issues were within me, and I am working through them now. I know I'd never do it again.
Author Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 I'm surprised at you, D. Blaming the marriage for *making* you cheat?! I can see how the marriage made you want better, but you chose the cheating. It takes two to tango, hon. These things go both ways and it becomes a vicious cycle that begins to feed itself. It would be far more helpful to you to accept that things aren't what you want, and devise a plan from that. Blaming your H via the M is immature, IMO. I'm not blaming the marriage. Silliness. I'm saying it's painfully obvious on this forum that WS are not allowed to say how they feel without being bombarded with "shame" messages. Why is it such a taboo subject -- the WS's feelings? I in no way blamed my husband. I asked a question. I've also noticed people read into things what they choose. No offense meant. I didn't say I blame my husband. I asked what was going on in the marriage at the time. It wasn't the marriage, it was me. My H was in the same marriage as me and did not cheat yet I did. I should have said something, done something to highlight the need we had to address any problems we were having. Instead I took the selfish option of having an affair. Yes, he was -- but perhaps he wasn't feeling the same voids as you apparently were? Possibly. I'm making an assumption there as I don't know what was going on in your situation. I do agree having an affair is a selfish option. Emotional disconnection from my husband. And MY lack of awareness and my inability of how to cope with our problems like an adult. That I can certainly relate to. I felt a huge emotional disconnection. I think in our situation both of us had a lack of awareness and an inability to cope with problems like an adult. It may be because we met so young and didn't mature in some ways -- communication, intimacy, healthy sexual relations, etc.
jennie-jennie Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Lack of intimacy and love on my exSO's behalf. I believe he is incapable of having a really intimate relationship. He has a very addictive personality and a lot of issues he is struggling with. He only ever wanted to come that close to me. He only ever wanted to commit that much to me. Our relationship only satisfied my needs to a certain degree. Unfortunately I discovered pretty soon that the OM was even less of an alternative, so I returned to being faithful to my exSO, until the day that my MM came back into my life. This time I played with open cards to my now exSO. I told him before MM contacted me that I was looking outside the relationship for someone who could satisfy my needs better. Still my exSO questions to this day why I left him when things were better than ever.
jennie-jennie Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Another word for what I described above would be rejection. By only letting me come close to a certain degree my exSO actually rejected me and my attempts to more intimacy, love and closeness. Rejection hurts.
Author Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 I don't normally post in this 'role' but when I went into the A I was in a relationship of many years. I am the reason I cheated, not the R. One thing that did contribute to the way I checked out of my life was a major life-changing event that happened around that time, which I don't want to go into here, but I didn't deal with it well; in fact, I didn't deal with it at all. Instead, because everybody else seemed to be getting on with things fine, I took the easy way out and found comfort elsewhere. As a result of me disconnecting my primary relationship failed and I ended it. The issues were within me, and I am working through them now. I know I'd never do it again. I can relate to your post also Hazyhead. I think mine were a combination of issues/life events I was dealing with very poorly -- or not at all. In any event -- this was not an attempt to "blame" the marriage. I also think choosing to have an affair is a selfish choice. I don't, however, think the action happens in a vacuum and there are all sorts of things going on in life at the time that may have effected the WS in a different manner than the BS. I also think members here should be more cognizant of the fact that WS are people also -- and even if they made a bad decision they still have a right to have feelings. I don't believe they should put themselves in a position to be flogged for life for their wrong choice(s). I also don't think it should be taboo for a WS to post how they feel even if they aren't 100% self-flogging for the rest of their lives. I accept and acknowledge I made the wrong choice by having the affair. I also fully acknowledge the marriage had (still has) some issues in the intimacy and communication area. I know the better choice would have been NOT to have an affair. I got it. I made the wrong choice. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings and I'm not curious as to what others were going through psychologically and what was happening in the marriage at the time that made them feel a void. I think if we address the feelings of the BS, the OM, the OW we should also address the feelings of the WS.
Author Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Another word for what I described above would be rejection. By only letting me come close to a certain degree my exSO actually rejected me and my attempts to more intimacy, love and closeness. Rejection hurts. Yes, it does -- all the way around. I suppose we all have to face it in life. I think some people face it better than others. I know I'm not good at dealing with rejection. I immediately begin to wonder what is wrong with me, what I did wrong, etc. My daughter and sister are pros. They immediately wonder what is wrong with the other person....
Author Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 not being even in the top 3 of my wifes priority list. That's difficult.
Snowflower Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 not being even in the top 3 of my wifes priority list. pkn, if she had made you a top priority, would it have made a difference in your decision to have an A?
Author Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 There are very few WS's on this site. Why would there be? Cheating isn't hard, they don't need tips, really. Also, cheaters aren't really into the whole "public acknowledgment" thing. You'll find a lot of innocent people over in the OW/OM forum though. Why would they be? Well perhaps they aren't wayward any longer or perhaps they are and are seeking answers. Why shouldn't they be? Cheating is very difficult. It was for me.
Author Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 why didn't your H cheated then.....???? To my knowledge he didn't and I don't think he was nearly as unhappy as I was in the marriage at the time. I don't think cheating is the way to handle issues in an unhappy marriage, but apparently I'm not perfect.
Author Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 In the M, abject abandonment. Personally, desperation and low self-esteem. I had other opportunities and, even under those circumstances, could pass them up, but this one was different. It's resolved now, responsibility taken, price paid (in a costly divorce) and time to move forward with the lessons learned. MC was key to regaining the sense of right and wrong which was lost during that time. I heartily recommend it. I haven't had very good counseling experiences so far -- MC after 10 years of marriage and IC recently. I'm glad it helped you. I think desperation rings true here as one of the elements present when I chose to have an affair.
Author Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 fBS here...but my fWS would have said "My marriage made me do it," 2.5 years ago. Today, he would say dealing with abject self-loathing for his breathtaking selfishness and self-enititlement. He re-wrote his own history and legacy by becoming the very man he despised: a cowardly conflict-avoider. Wow. Do you like him? I think we can all be cowardly at times....
Author Samantha0905 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 The hardest part of all of the cheating I did can be summed up pretty much like this: all of the experiences had expiration dates going into them, and it was often hard to make the other person adhere to that, and understand that when it was time to end - that meant END. I can't really say any of the primary relationships I was in were necessarily 'hard' - just that at that time in my life I was missing something inside myself rather than finding fault with any of the people I was in primary relationships with. I can see where that could be the case also. I mean something missing inside. I know someone who thinks every single time something goes wrong in his marriage it justifies him going out to be "treated better." He always felt rejected by his mother and I think there are some psychological issues going on. In a way, it's like he's getting back at women in general -- or his mother.
jennie-jennie Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I know my MM too felt sexually rejected by his wife. So once we reconnected and the passion between us became obvious, it was such a relief for both of us to have someone truly desire us. To finally have this need met was incredibly satisfying and fulfilling.
TinaniT Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Discussion in another thread lead me to start this one. For those who have cheated, if you had to narrow it down to one thing that was hurting you the most or was the most damaging aspect of your marriage (i.e. the lack of intimacy, the lack of a connection during lovemaking (or more appropriately the sexual act since there was a lack....), the lack of an emotional connection in general, the dishonesty in the relationship via communication, etc), what would it be? Feel free to list whatever strikes you as the truth for your situation........ We had an "open marriage" at his insistance, but I still cheated in that I lied to him and developed an emotional connection which was not the arrangement. He was really more interested in benefits to him than me taking advantage, and I knew he'd say no until he saw an option for him again, because his well had temporarily ran dry. My husband was abusive. He called me names, he did other stuff, don't want to rehash anymore. I was afraid to leave but I felt so damn lonely. I thought I was unlovable anyhow and worried some that was how all men acted because it was recurring. He insisted I not go to counselling and he wouldn't go... even when I brought up divorce in the past or said we really need marriage counselling. He wouldn't give me access to money so I could go to counselling. (Stay at home mom) He told me that if we got a divorce he would disappear and never give child support. He played on my emotions about growing up extremely poor myself and told me that I'd be putting my son through the same thing for my selfishness. I never, ever, ever would have had the courage to leave without the affair and seeing that it was different, and the counselling I was able to get into... I regret that in the sense I wish I was stronger, but not given the circumstances and who I was as it were, I don't regret the affair. I agree affairs don't happen in a vacuum. I've been cheated on before, too, and it wasn't because our relationship was great. It was because there were things we, and yes, I needed to work on. And those were in relationships, with much less tying one there and making one feel "trapped" even if unhappy, like children. I know a man (friend, not someone I was ever involved with) that cheated on his wife, stopped, and stayed who is unhappy to this day but when he looked at divorce saw how little time he'd get with his children and so puts on a happy face to his wife. I don't agree with him on that decision, and I've told him so, but I definitely *understand* where he's coming from. It's tough. Yeah, affairs might not be the best option, but in my situation and thinking of others, I see why they happen and don't think it's all just a chance for something new (outside of serial cheaters).
Recommended Posts