Tres Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Then suddenly I get a random text telling me he is feeling conflicted and that he's scared of failing and is putting so much pressure on himself because he's always messed things up in the past. Then says that he doesn't think he'll be the ideal man that I'm looking for. Whattttt is this??? This guy is either really nervous and not good with women or just really weird and messed up. I think the online dating account is getting cancelled soon. This is getting ridiculous. IMO he politely rejected you because you are not ideal woman for him. He made it clear that the ideal woman for him DOES pay for herself because she wants to prove her independence. He is not nervous, his nerves made from steal.
Art_Critic Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 IMO he politely rejected you because you are not ideal woman for him. So he never even took her on the date with the tickets he bought and rejected her because she wouldn't pay for tickets that she had no idea he was buying... hahaha I wonder if he actually bought them or bought and returned them.. it's possible that the guy shouldn't be dating anyone right now.. Next....
jackson30 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 This is starting to remind me of the scene in "Swingers" where they have a big discussion about how long to wait before calling then Jon Favreau goes home and calls the girl and leaves message after message on her machine until she picks up and tells him to never call again.
D-Lish Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 And IMO that's the point of bringing up how expensive it is -- guilt-tripping. I agree it's just making sure she's aware of how much effort he's putting into it. "Look, I'm doing all this for YOU, so what are you going to do for ME?" My guess (and it's a guess) is that he probably doesn't want to spend a lot of money or pay for things but feels obligated and has no idea how to approach it. He probably thinks he HAS to buy expensive seats at a baseball game to impress her, but likely feels resentful about it. That sounds spot on Jasmine, couldn't agree more. That's great insight.
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 It's not even the paying thing. It's the whole way he handled it. He seems insecure, manipulative, and borderline socially dysfunctional. Then the whole "not the right man for you" thing? Yuck. Consider it a bullet dodged, sister.
BS76 Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6473306077934533867 Pay attention to the different categories he brings up at the 1:50 mark. The guy the OP is describing sounds like type 2.
make me believe Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 And this is the point where you cancelled the date and wished him well, right?
Mimolicious Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 He's simply being straight forward and honest. Your concerns have been all about "who pays" and how he's supposedly mishandled that. There's really nothing about any other aspect of this man that you like about him. It's all about your expectations about him paying for your dates and his ineptitude in rising to those expectations. He's clearly not your ideal man and he's sensed that. He's sensed that the prime measurement that you're judging him on--the rather trivial issue of him paying for your dates--is something that he's been failing at. Even though he's completely correct in his guesswork, you're criticizing him for realizing that he's failing with you. I don't think you're being fair. He is failing, as far as you're concerned. I assume you are "done" with this guy, or he is with you, or you both will soon be done with each other. I just don't get why you believe it's so important for him to pay for the dates rather than going dutch. What's the big deal? I wonder, have you been reading all along? And did you read her thread last week?
bananalaffytaffy Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 (edited) He chose the date, he chose the game, he chose the tickets. He pays. Period. His underhanded passive-aggressive way of asking for money is really creepy. Major turn off for me. I'd cancel the date, personally. Edit: I just read your update. He thinks he's not the guy you are looking for because he is disappointed you didn't want to pay for your ticket. That's what he wants, just like everyone has been telling you: he wants to go dutch forever. Again, it's a underhanded, passive-aggressive way of comminicating. He's saying he's a cheapass and doesn't want to pay, but blaming it on you by having too many expectations. He's not the guy you are looking for really means you're not the girl he's looking for. Dump this guy quick. Waste of time. And not just because he's a cheap a$$, more because he's manipulative and can't be straight with you. Edited June 30, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy
Mimolicious Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 (edited) I can't keep track of all the threads LOL but don't particularly remember looking at a separate thread about this same OP with this same guy. Yes, she did. That is why the subject line has a "Follow up" on it. In the future you might do a lot better to rid yourself of any sense of "entitlement" that people you don't really know have some obligation to spend their money on you. Even on "dates." In the future you might want search for OP's past threads. You are jumping down her throat not knowing half the story. Edited June 30, 2010 by Mimolicious
sweetjasmine Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 He doesn't know you that well, why should he want to spend a lot of money on you? If he doesn't know her that well and doesn't want to spend a lot of money on her, THEN HE SHOULDN'T BE BUYING EXPENSIVE BASEBALL TICKETS AND THEN COMPLAINING ABOUT THE PRICE. It's remarkably douchey to buy something expensive for someone else and then make sure they know just how much money you spent so as to guilt trip them about it and hold it over their heads. How tacky and rude is it to say, "Hey, I bought us these tickets, but they were really expensive...HINT HINT" with the implication that you should chip in and help? What if the other person doesn't have a lot of spending money and can't cover their half? The first person already bought the tickets and is making a big deal out of how much they cost. The first person decided to pick something expensive and spend his money. It's incredibly obnoxious, rude, and manipulative to then turn around and try to guilt trip the second person into paying for something they didn't decide for themselves. What if the second person would have never decided to buy expensive tickets because they don't want to spend a lot of money on the second date? Should the second person be obligated to jump in and go dutch because the first one forced the issue by buying expensive tickets and making a big deal out of the cost?
sweetjasmine Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Excuse me--but why "shouldn't" he behave the way he feels is appropriate, i.e. why shouldn't he act naturally from his perspective? Oy. Because it doesn't make any sense. Okay, let me put it this way: - I don't want to spend money on someone I hardly know. - I don't want to spend a lot of money on a second date. - I feel kind of uncomfortable paying for everything myself. Why on earth would I then take the initiative to buy two expensive baseball tickets, by myself? No one is holding a gun to my head and ordering me to spend a lot of money. I don't need to buy expensive tickets to a baseball game in order to impress someone. I don't need to do something I'm uncomfortable with. Why? It's stupid to deliberately choose to do something expensive, when there are dozens of cheap but good options available, and then complain about the cost. Why is it tacky and rude to ask a date to chip in for expensive event tickets? Did the date know how much the tickets cost beforehand? Did the guy ask her if she wanted to go? Did she agree to go and spend money on the tickets? Did she agree to pay for half of them? No. He bought them himself and told her after the fact. It's very presumptuous and rude to buy something expensive and then hint that you want someone to chip in and pay for it when they had no say in buying it in the first place. Like I said in the other thread, I wouldn't feel comfortable with a guy taking me to a very expensive restaurant on the first date, even if he was paying for everything. Buying expensive things for people and spending a lot of money on them when you hardly know them puts them in an awkward position where they feel indebted to you, like they owe you a favor. All it does is create an awkward, imbalanced situation. And what makes it even worse is if someone subtly tries to tell you that they actually don't want to pay for it and that you should chip in. After everything's already been said and done. No--she was perfectly happy to have him go out and buy expensive tickets for her, UNTIL she realized he might have an expectation that she would "chip in" for them. No, the way I read it, it sounded like he said he bought two tickets and then mentioned they were expensive, at which point she felt GUILTY that he was spending so much money and felt obligated to suggest she chip in. Is this unattractive behavior for a man to exhibit to a woman? It's unattractive behavior for any person to spend money on another when you don't really want to and then make sure the other person knows how much money they spent and how big a deal it is to you. I've been with my SO for two years, and when I buy him gifts, I don't tell him how much I spent or comment on how expensive XYZ was because I don't want him to even think about it. I want him to enjoy the gift without feeling like he owes me something. It's a gift, not a tit-for-tat power play.
Author IceIceBaby Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 jumboyojimbo - You are absolutely jumping down my throat. I came here asking what I should do because I was torn about the whole "should a guy pay" issue. I never once stated that was my expectation and I certainly don't feel I am entitled to anything. I have stated time and time again that more than the money factor, it was the things he said and the way in which he said them. If you look back at my previous posts, you will see the majority of what I am saying is in regard to the awkwardness he is causing, not about what I think I deserve money-wise. Please do tell me where I sounded like I felt I was entitled. My original thread said that he grabbed the bill on our first date and then asked me if I wanted to chip in or if he should get it. I'm sorry, but I don't know many people that would say "yes please pay for this meal for me." In regards to the tickets, he asked what day worked for me. I told him and within two hours (without any confirmation from him) he had the tickets bought. I was not asked what price range worked for me and I did not request expensive seats. Apparently you seem to think I should have said "yes I can go, but please get cheap seats." Regardless, you don't seem to really understand the situation nor did you take the time to read what I wrote in all of my posts. You're making me sound like the kind of person I really am not and you would know that had you read my statements. And please don't advise me on what I should do in my future relationships.
Author IceIceBaby Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Sorry for such an angst filled reply.
VertexSquared Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 I am surprised this thread got to be so long. It is obvious that the guy handled this poorly. You don't buy expensive things on your own accord for a date-night and then guilt-trip your date or coerce/manipulate her kindness into an offering to split that large cost. It's tacky, underhanded, and not very sexy/gentlemanly. You can do better -- I am not finding his excuses to be plausible.
Mimolicious Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Please do tell me where I sounded like I felt I was entitled I was trying to clear this up, but Jumbo decided to talk out his a$$ without knowing. lol! Ice- You were actually far too kind. You were in fact digging the dude and trying to see past the bill splitting incident, we warned you and he did it again. This time not even knowing what your face value cap for tickets is. That's kind of ballsy. At the same time, puts you in an awkward embarrassing position. What about if you really couldn't afford the ticket price? This is kind of fresh coming from someone that you don't even know and to go buy tickets before actually confirming and discussing payment options... suspect! People sometimes lack common sense.
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Oh and it gets worse folks. He texted me last night, just casual talk, said goodnight, etc. Then suddenly I get a random text telling me he is feeling conflicted and that he's scared of failing and is putting so much pressure on himself because he's always messed things up in the past. Then says that he doesn't think he'll be the ideal man that I'm looking for. So this text was a cancellation of the date?
Author IceIceBaby Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Really? I mean really? Do you really think someone should say on a first date "oh and please don't take me on expensive dates." If a girl just said that to you wouldn't you think she's a little weird?
harmfulsweetz Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Jumbo-when did OP say she offered to chip in for the first date? She didn't, he asked her and left her with little option but to agree. Honestly, if you actually took the time to read through her posts, you may understand a bit more of where she is coming from. It's not about money, but if he wanted so desperately to impress her, why act like a cheapskate? You can impress someone by taking them to the park with a picnic or something, you don't have to be expensive. At the end of it all, he made assumptions about her before getting to know her, he assumed she was the kind of girl who likes to pay her own way (and as she has stated, she does) but his awkwardness and lack of gentlemanliness (is that even a word?) is a huge turn off for all women. No woman wants to feel awkward on a date, no person wants to feel awkward. I always say to men assume you're paying, unless the woman otherwise states on early dates. The whole line of 'he wants to impress her but is conflicted with being a tight a$$' doesn't wash with me. He's a grown man, he knows what he can and cannot afford, and so should be able to work around that. And no, as a woman, I only spend what I can afford to spend. I wouldn't ever say to someone I bought tickets to somewhere, that they should go halfers because they were expensive. I took on that expense, not them.
Art_Critic Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Do you really think someone should say on a first date "oh and please don't take me on expensive dates." If a girl just said that to you wouldn't you think she's a little weird? I don't think JBJ would think that was weird IIB.. he would probably say.. great.. McDonald's and you pay for your own Big Mac.. .... oh and you can have my Monopoly Game Piece.. since it is a first date and all but if you win big we split it ..
melodymatters Posted June 30, 2010 Posted June 30, 2010 Just so you know Ice, I've followed BOTH threads and think you sound like a kind and sensible woman. Your actions and reactions have been just fine !!!!
Author IceIceBaby Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 I don't think JBJ would think that was weird IIB.. he would probably say.. great.. McDonald's and you pay for your own Big Mac.. .... oh and you can have my Monopoly Game Piece.. since it is a first date and all but if you win big we split it .. LOL...seriously! txsilkysmoothe - Yes, I cancelled the date. This all was enough for me haha.
Author IceIceBaby Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 Just so you know Ice, I've followed BOTH threads and think you sound like a kind and sensible woman. Your actions and reactions have been just fine !!!! Thank you! I appreciate that.
Author IceIceBaby Posted June 30, 2010 Author Posted June 30, 2010 LOL. Are you saying you cancelled the ballgame date after you agreed to pay for your ticket? I never agreed to pay for my ticket. Stated that in a previous post.
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