A second time around?

[Circular]

I've been reading a lot to stay in NC and its all been very helpful, every time I think I might 'break' I do some reading, go workout, call a friend, etc... and its all been very helpful - sure, I feel that tightness in my chest and there are times like the other night that suddenly NC feels like it was started the day before. I feel though the perspective I'm getting over the last 10 weeks is invaluable and its been great to step back from a situation I was so steeped into for such a long time. Regardless of when it officially started (us both recognizing we had a relationship) we danced around the fire for many years. I think we both secretly hoped the desire/chemistry would fade and avoid the collision but time, even a few years apart didn't seem to mute the forward momentum.

 

And, this is what I'm fearful of, which is why I ask this question. I've seen a few threads allude to where people mention 'a second time around' or multiple times around. I feel right now we are both in a cooling phase, me dealing with my guilt, working to get over her so I can focus on my marriage and though she I know was deep in guilt and worried about her kids had been pulling for distance before I even pulled the plug. Yet at some point I'd love to reconnect with her on a more casual friend level. As literally we could and did always talk for hours about non-relationship oriented things; music, movies, TV shows, food, you name it we were always on the same level and could have interesting conversations about all sorts of topics. I REALLY miss that more than anything. And, I know from the voicemail she left me she feels the same way. But, everything I've read from everyone says that's a bad thing, that I should stay NC permanently and I know I definitely need to for 6-9 months to break the connection down to one I can put boundaries into.

 

I guess I ask this as it seems I might be fooling myself into hopefully believing that we could have that kind of relationship back (the casual friend and talking relationship). As those who have read my posts can tell I'm very introspective when it comes to my life, what I think, etc.. and I base responses based on my experiences and philosophy on it. Thing is, I've never been down this road, and it appears to be fraught with landmines that I'm unfamiliar with in regular relationships.

 

Would like your thoughts on this. What has your experiences been? Did anyone go back to talking to their xAP and find themselves 'back in it' even though much time had passed? Even though the relationship was being strained by all the external factors when you broke and went NC? I need a reality check

[nick.johnstone]

We've gone back 6 times in 8 years....the last round of NC was for 2 years and within five minutes of meeting we had kissed starting a 6 month affair even more intense than anything we'd had before.

 

Its hard losing your best friend...but in my opinion the friendship, the love, the sex are all entwined and come as a package or not at all. Feel free to read about my story. Might put you off going back!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2863795#post2863795

[Circular]

We've gone back 6 times in 8 years....the last round of NC was for 2 years and within five minutes of meeting we had kissed starting a 6 month affair even more intense than anything we'd had before.

 

Its hard losing your best friend...but in my opinion the friendship, the love, the sex are all entwined and come as a package or not at all. Feel free to read about my story. Might put you off going back!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2863795#post2863795

 

Thanks Nick, I just read the full story... wow.... I have to say when I saw your post my jaw dropped, it was like you were typing yours while I was typing mine... how crazy and serendipitous. Definitely food for thought for me.

[nick.johnstone]

Must admit until now I've always felt as you did - and understandably so as its the "music, movies, TV shows, food, you name it we were always on the same level and could have interesting conversations about all sorts of topics" which we miss the most as everything else is easier to find in others. I'd try and remember why you're in a period of NC in the first place....

 

Good luck either way!

[Fallen Angel]

My sweetheart and I had been friends for several years. We had an amazing connection as friends, there was nothing more, at least on my end than that friendship at the time, but the connection was undeniable.

 

He then was deployed overseas for several years during which time we lost track of each other, and had no contact at all. Years later when he instant messaged me out of the blue, it was like we had never lost touch at all. The same all night long conversations, the easy banter, the total connection. Having lost that once, we vowed to not ever let it happen again, and shortly afterwards we were deep in the midst of an emotional affair.

 

I would say that having had that connection with your MOW, you will likely not ever be able to shut down those feelings and be able to be just friends. Because you never were really just friends. That connection that you felt, well, that was always the blossoming of love; and while love can be denied the body, the heart will not allow you to deny it.

 

Attempting to be just friends with someone you are in love with is like an alcoholic attempting to stay sober while drinking "just socially" at a party. (neither is likely to ever happen no matter how much you want it to.)

 

You may be able to deny your body physical intimacy with her, but your heart will fall right back into the affair. Protect your heart, stay NC if you really want to give your marriage 100% effort.

[BB07]

Circular, Congrats on the 10 weeks.

 

I get that you miss aspects of the relationship with the OW, the friendship, but you can't really focus on your marriage if you are having a friendship with someone that you are keeping a secret about from your wife.......right?

 

Also.....it's my personal belief that once you have had an intimate relationship with someone that you can't go back to just being friends. I suppose it does happen once in a blue moon, but you have to ask yourself if you really want to focus on your marriage or not? Secrets hidden......aren't conductive to working on a marriage, you know.

 

I wish you all the best!

[NoIDidn't]

Also.....it's my personal belief that once you have had an intimate relationship with someone that you can't go back to just being friends. I suppose it does happen once in a blue moon...

 

 

I agree.

 

If my H thought he was going to have a friendship with a woman that clearly is an enemy to our marriage, he'll find out just how many lawyers I've had on speed dial.

 

It does happen once in a blue moon, but usually after a LOT longer than just 10 months to two years. Often it takes at least 10 YEARS to have a platonic friendship with a former lover. I have to look this up now.

[MizFit]

MM and I are like you in that our relationship is 'everything' and the sex is a byproduct of it. The intimacy creates the sex, not the other way around...in my instance I can say I see no way of ever going backwards. When it ends it will be over and that will be it. I have to say I've never been one to stay friends with an ex...how do you take that love and passion and accept something less? I know we're all different...that's my 2p!

[Circular]

Must admit until now I've always felt as you did - and understandably so as its the "music, movies, TV shows, food, you name it we were always on the same level and could have interesting conversations about all sorts of topics" which we miss the most as everything else is easier to find in others. I'd try and remember why you're in a period of NC in the first place....

 

Good luck either way!

 

 

Thanks Nick, yea I think now that I've been in NC nearly 10 weeks it's starting to dawn on me that it's not just the love and the passion and all that goes with that BUT I'm really starting to realize I'm losing something that took me a long long time to find in the first place; someone that I enjoy just the "friendship" with entirely. I guess this is all part of the letting go process, first its all the immediate emotional things, that 'hello' everyday. Then it meanders into reminiscing, then it goes to the 'oh wow, whose going to replace that incredible conversational moments we had.' Like you said, there are people can fit pieces of the puzzle, but nobody I've met yet that its on so many levels.

 

I actually really don't want to go around in a loop, I don't know how well I'd stomach this over and over again... not sure how you are actually.

 

I think this is going to be on of those things where I wait quite a long time, need to forget about her to the point where she's a faded memory and then revisit slowly - we have a few mutual friends that make it pretty hard for our paths not to cross occasionally.

[Circular]

My sweetheart and I had been friends for several years. We had an amazing connection as friends, there was nothing more, at least on my end than that friendship at the time, but the connection was undeniable.

 

He then was deployed overseas for several years during which time we lost track of each other, and had no contact at all. Years later when he instant messaged me out of the blue, it was like we had never lost touch at all. The same all night long conversations, the easy banter, the total connection. Having lost that once, we vowed to not ever let it happen again, and shortly afterwards we were deep in the midst of an emotional affair.

 

I would say that having had that connection with your MOW, you will likely not ever be able to shut down those feelings and be able to be just friends. Because you never were really just friends. That connection that you felt, well, that was always the blossoming of love; and while love can be denied the body, the heart will not allow you to deny it.

 

Attempting to be just friends with someone you are in love with is like an alcoholic attempting to stay sober while drinking "just socially" at a party. (neither is likely to ever happen no matter how much you want it to.)

 

You may be able to deny your body physical intimacy with her, but your heart will fall right back into the affair. Protect your heart, stay NC if you really want to give your marriage 100% effort.

 

Yea, oddly in some ways the story is very similar as we seemed to always pick up right where we left off no matter how much time transpired between us seeing or talking.

 

I have to keep on NC, get back centered and work on my marriage, hopefully not fall off the wagon so to speak. It's just that I'm realizing I'm losing a lot more than I originally thought and I think its starting to hit me that I will have to let go of it.

[Circular]

MM and I are like you in that our relationship is 'everything' and the sex is a byproduct of it. The intimacy creates the sex, not the other way around...in my instance I can say I see no way of ever going backwards. When it ends it will be over and that will be it. I have to say I've never been one to stay friends with an ex...how do you take that love and passion and accept something less? I know we're all different...that's my 2p!

 

Yes, this is the nail on the head and at the core of why I asked. I actually have an old ex (prior to me being M) that I'm still friends with, but it was a long time between our break and when our friendship started, a long long time.

 

I agree I thing going backwards, well especially any time in the near future will be difficult - just the thought of it makes my mind go one direction (oh sure, just friends) but I can feel the hope in my heart and until that's gone I shouldn't even really ask the question.

[jj33]

Circular I do believe it is possible in some circumstances but only after sufficient time has passed that you are at peace with the idea that you no longer want a romance with this person.

 

So long as you have the tightness in your chest and a "need" to be in contact, its too soon and the "friendship" would be a kind of an EA.

 

After that passes it is possible but I suspect it will be less important to you then.

 

There were periods of time (about a year or so after it ended) when we were friendly and did get along. Had he not been the obsessively troubled person he has shown himself to be (it would be insulting to dickheads everywhere if I labelled him as such) and not felt the need to control and provoke and undermine me, I think we would still be friends.

[nick.johnstone]

How do I feel? I have grown out of the situation...to be honest I never found much enjoyment in the thrill of sneaking around and living a half life. I suppose like you are doing I focussed on the positive - the enjoyment of her company (someone who gets you) and perhaps the hope of a future together.

 

I haven't however grown out of her - I'm not a romantic or desperately loyal as previous girlfriends, friends and family would testify my having severed ties with countless people for less. However it doesn't matter what she does, how inconsistent she is, how much of a bitch she can become when suffering turmoil, or how much time we spend apart (two years NC?) nothing seems to change what I feel about her. She's still the person I want to talk to in the morning, last thing at night and the first person I want to share aspects of my life with.

 

I know I'll never be able to move on unless we sever ties forever...especially as "platonic friendship with slip ups" just keeps us both here. But how do you ensure its forever? We managed it for two years in which we both had happy lives and separate relationships and it took one email to start the cycle again.

 

What I don't want to do....what I can't do (to myself) is go through this cycle again. But the reality is if she ever broke NC and asked to meet etc I know I'd never be able to say no. How can you say no to someone you love?

 

I guess in answer to your question - how do I feel? Confused!

[HurtinginTexas]

Read my posts from HurtinginTexas if you think YOU have it bad. Back and forth 10 times in 3.5 years. She divorced him finally after 25 years marriage. He stayed with me 11 months, then disappeared and I havent heard from him in 33 days. I saw in his emails he was begging her back. Im a mess too

[Circular]

My sweetheart and I had been friends for several years. We had an amazing connection as friends, there was nothing more, at least on my end than that friendship at the time, but the connection was undeniable.

 

He then was deployed overseas for several years during which time we lost track of each other, and had no contact at all. Years later when he instant messaged me out of the blue, it was like we had never lost touch at all. The same all night long conversations, the easy banter, the total connection. Having lost that once, we vowed to not ever let it happen again, and shortly afterwards we were deep in the midst of an emotional affair.

 

I would say that having had that connection with your MOW, you will likely not ever be able to shut down those feelings and be able to be just friends. Because you never were really just friends. That connection that you felt, well, that was always the blossoming of love; and while love can be denied the body, the heart will not allow you to deny it.

 

Attempting to be just friends with someone you are in love with is like an alcoholic attempting to stay sober while drinking "just socially" at a party. (neither is likely to ever happen no matter how much you want it to.)

 

You may be able to deny your body physical intimacy with her, but your heart will fall right back into the affair. Protect your heart, stay NC if you really want to give your marriage 100% effort.

 

FA, I really liked your post and I had to think about what you wrote for awhile which is why I didn't respond right away.

 

I don't think I've ever thought about it exactly this way. The question I've usually asked is 'Can we go back to just friends', but you're comment hit me in a way that I hadn't really thought. Were we ever friends to begin with? I'd like to think we were, but maybe that was for a very short while. Our relationship lasted many years and I would say we were 'friends' for a year or so of it, but I'd be in serious denial if I didn't admit that all that time I was asking 'whats happening here? why does this feel its going somewhere?' - I once responded to another post on LS saying that we "Choose our friends using different requirements than we choose our lovers". I have a couple of close woman friends, but they are friends, no pretense and those relationships have always felt different than this one.

 

So, maybe you're right - maybe saying 'just friends' is an illusion, an illusion we both are under. As what we'd be really saying is 'lets deny we have feelings for each other, that we were ever intimate, that what this really is is love that cant be recognized as such' and lets just live with it so we can stay connected -- but I know from what I've read that this could lead to a rekindling of the relationship as well.

 

I know for myself, at this point, when I say 'just friends' it's to hold on to that unique connection that nobody else can fill, even if it means a serious downgrade in closeness.

 

Thanks for pointing this out, am going to have to chew on that for a bit.

Edited June 28, 2010 by Circular

[hopeless4u]

FA, I really liked your post and I had to think about what you wrote for awhile which is why I didn't respond right away.

 

I don't think I've ever thought about it exactly this way. The question I've usually asked is 'Can we go back to just friends', but you're comment hit me in a way that I hadn't really thought. Were we ever friends to begin with? I'd like to think we were, but maybe that was for a very short while. Our relationship lasted many years and I would say we were 'friends' for a year or so of it, but I'd be in serious denial if I didn't admit that all that time I was asking 'whats happening here? why does this feel its going somewhere?' - I once responded to another post on LS saying that we "Choose our friends using different requirements than we choose our lovers". I have a couple of close woman friends, but they are friends, no pretense and those relationships have always felt different than this one.

 

So, maybe you're right - maybe saying 'just friends' is an illusion, an illusion we both are under. As what we'd be really saying is 'lets deny we have feelings for each other, that we were ever intimate, that what this really is is love that cant be recognized as such' and lets just live with it so we can stay connected -- but I know from what I've read that this could lead to a rekindling of the relationship as well.

 

I know for myself, at this point, when I say 'just friends' it's to hold on to that unique connection that nobody else can fill, even if it means a serious downgrade in closeness.

 

Thanks for pointing this out, am going to have to chew on that for a bit.

 

I also thought/hoped xMM and I could keep our friendship but after seeing him last week I now know I could never be 'just' friends, I love him and no matter how he has treated me as soon as I looked into his eyes all I could see was 'the man he was', the man that loved me and wanted to protect me but he isn't 'that man' anymore, he is his W's H and he always will be and thats what I have to keep telling myself.

 

You can never be 'just' friends if you still love someone or they still love you....to much pain.

[nick.johnstone]

Hows it going....have you broken NC?

[Circular]

Hows it going....have you broken NC?

 

Nope, but I will admit that it is eating me away inside. It would be a lot easier if SHE wasn't breaking NC, now for the 3rd time. I haven't called her back, or replied back and her messages are very simple 'hi, can you call me please?' *click*. This makes it really hard because, and there's no sense of urgency, but as time has been going by her reaching-out is becoming more frequent and I do really miss her and I know now for sure that I love her.

 

I just keep reminding myself that things can never be my "dream", not without a lot of pain for everyone, disrupting/messing up her childrens lives, time and work. And, truthfully there is no going back to where it once was. I think if we started up again the odds of a Dday would be much higher.

 

My dilemma is I feel like breaking NC to reinforce that we agreed to NC and it needs to be that way for everyones benefit and mental health.

[nick.johnstone]

I suppose that sounds reasonable - though depends on how you "break NC to reinforce NC" - an uninteractive email would be fine; a telephone call if you can handle hearing her voice. Meeting alone in a hotel room to "talk" might be a bit dangerous...

 

Have a read of the thread I started - I received some truly fantastic advice especially see the posts from Silly Girl, Wheelwright, Silverplanets (Chris), 2Sure, and Morning Coffee....I woke up dying to contact Sarah today but after the advice I was given I know more than ever NC is the only option.

 

Good luck!

 

Nick

[ComputerJock]

Circular - does you're wife know your cheating. She may want to set you free and find herself a faithful mate who gives her 100%. Does her husband know she is seeing/was seeing you? He may want to set her free if he found out she was cheating on him. Why don't you tell both your wife and married woman's husband, then you wouldn't have to go NC and you two lovebirds could be together.

Edited June 30, 2010 by ComputerJock

[Owl]

Have you considered blocking her numbers, changing your numbers/email/etc...?

 

Rather than sit in pain because she violates NC and completely disregards your feelings in this, why not 'step up' and prevent contact completely?

 

Give yourself an actual chance to maintain NC?