Nikki Sahagin Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 With regard to my ex...I think i'm finally, pretty much, over him. There are still niggling things; sometimes people will mention something about him, or I will remember a moment or a time when he was different and lovable and when I seemed to know where life was going. Those moments are pretty rare and pretty fleeting. I still think of him quite a lot, sometimes attached to those thoughts are emotions are some pain, confusion...a LOT of nostalgia. I think thats the key thing. Its not that they were so great or amazing, but its that they were part of your past, you see them through rose-tinted glasses...and i'm such a sentimental sucker! I still feel...a weird kind of feeling. Like an emptiness....because there's no-one there to share things with in THAT way. I don't even know that I WANT a relationship, I just feel that slight something missing. I find myself 'missing him' because he offered that...but I don't know that I really miss him as a person...that i'd actually WANT to see or talk to him. Its very confusing. Its weird when theres so much unresolved conflict/confusion around two people...because of that I never really know what to think of him. He is split into the good guy/best friend I loved...and the a-hole/jerk that broke my heart and wasn't all that nice to me. It really is like a Jekyl and Hyde and depending on which 1 you think about, you get a complicated mixture of positive or negative thoughts. Also, i've found my attitude to love very blah and dull now. I know its probably good to lose a lot of my idealism, because I don't have a realistic view of love, but i'm kind of saddened by that. I really liked the idea of him being my first and last and vice versa, of proving to myself and to people, that first love could make it through. I know I might love someone more one day, and that i'd never have learnt so much if not for this, I know as much as it killed me, it has changed me in ways i'd never expected, but still...I wish love could work out. I think as you fall in love more than once, twice, three times, or sleep with more and more people...you move away from that unique, special feeling of love. You kind of cheapen it. This may only be my view...but for example, if a guy/girl is sleeping with a different person every day, how is sex really special? It becomes just sex...which is why to keep things like this special for me, I try to avoid making them habitual or commonplace and I maintain my standards and 'morals' - but I also realise many other people DON'T and so I may be struggling a little when it comes to going back to dating and relationships! Just a rant really to share my current 'preoccupations.'
LoveTruthChaos Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 All of this is where I feel that I am now too, the first love thing and all. But this really struck me: Also, i've found my attitude to love very blah and dull now. I know its probably good to lose a lot of my idealism, because I don't have a realistic view of love, but i'm kind of saddened by that. It's been almost 3 months since mine left me, but you know? I am going to work hard not to lose my idealism about love. At the start, I very nearly did. But I do believe that those Disney moments still exist - I have to believe it, or else I have nothing to hope for. Call me naive (as many people have before), but I chose to remain naive and idealistic. Screw the consequences. Thsi is who I am and that's who I want to remain! Don't give up on it. We're just in a bad place right now. Hope will return!
AlwaysConflicted Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I've always been pretty idealistic about love as well, but with every breakup I pull farther and farther away. Some of the threads I read in the divorced section of this website are truly sad. However, I also realize that the majority of happy couples aren't posting about being happy. My most recent breakup left me with the realization that life is messy. Very messy. Each person has their own insecurities, baggage, views, issues, etc. I'm guessing that in order for a relationship to work, you have to fully accept the other person for who they are now and who they will be 30 years from now.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 To the second poster (sorry I couldn't remember your name!), I think for me its 'safer' to not be idealistic. I am deep down; that would be my dreams and hopes for a relationship so its always at the centre of my emotions. In that sense I still believe in it as its what I hope for. But mentally I have to 'talk myself down' as I sometimes think i'm building castles in the sky. Maybe there will be a guy who can show me that type of reality that I only see in my fantasy's but I also know that real relationships can unfortunately come with many negatives as well as positives such as boredom, arguments, doubt, frustration, sacrifice, pain, lies, cheating etc. I'm not saying that negatively but just with a sense of realism to counteract all the positive and amazing 'expectations' I have, that may not necessarily be met. Its great that you can keep your idealism, but make sure that you don't ever let yourself get too carried away, or you'll end up like I have at times, in fairy tale land and 'real' relationships will always fall short of the pictures you paint in your head. Second poster...i'm worried thats what will happen to me. I see the first as important because they were our first, but also if your first experience of love was intense and powerful, its hard to ever beat that. Its like a child actor who reaches the pinnacal of their fame at 10 years old...the rest of their career peters out. I hope i'll meet someone I can feel the same as I did for my ex one day, but I think that idealistic, new, unique, powerful and intense experience can only be that strong ONCE, and from now on it will be almost normal, ordinary, i'll know what to expect in ways I didn't when my first love affair began. I mourn the loss of that 'newness', I don't really want to do it all over again with someone else, I was happy building that with just one person.
AlwaysConflicted Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I always think of my first love. I met her when I was 19 and we dated until I was 23. It was amazing, but I was such an arrogant little kid that I took her for granted. She left me and never looked back. I'm still stunned that someone is capable of doing that. 5 years and no 2nd chance? That's kind of harsh. She was one of those people that makes a decision and follows through no matter what. Even though I'm crying my eyes out about my most recent breakup, I still know that my 1st love was somehow better in every way. She was smarter, more generous, more caring, more loyal, prettier, funnier...just overall better in every way. It's been 10 years...no one has met her match yet.
bluebird25 Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Such wonderful posts. And I empathize with every single word you guys wrote. I wrote this a while back. He was my first boyfriend, my first everything. I was 23 when I finally held hands with a guy for the first time in my life, when I finally had my first kiss and shortly after, I finally had sex (I should have waited). We loved each other passionately for that first year. He told me he never loved anyone until he met me, and I know he was sincere. And on our first year anniversary, we decided to live together. Looking back in hindsight, I know that we moved our relationship way too quickly. Too quickly. But I didn't care, nor did he. We were in love. We never felt these range of emotions and intensity before. It was the first. The first where you don't know how to feel so you choose to feel everything. And now that it's over, I feel like I could never feel this kind of "love" ever again. Or that even if I did, my first love will always have that special piece in my heart. Or that I will always approach my next relationship or the relationship after that a little bit more careful, a little bit more cautious, a little bit more tentative. I won't be able to "let go" as much because I have prior knowledge and experience now, like you mentioned, Nikki. I hope I will come to that point where I can say that I'm even "almost" over him. It's still so fresh right now. I don't even want to get over him. I always carried the same belief system - to love one man and no other. It's so idealistic, yes, but I really believed it was possible for me. And now, I'm not only experiencing the death of my first relationship, but the death of that belief system as well. I guess this is what I get for growing up watching, loving and believing romantic comedies can apply to real life
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