Guys, when it comes to the dreaded bar scenario...

[xRJ85x]

We all know that normally bars are good for nothing more than the cheap hook up, which is why I gave up on trying to meet girls at bars a while ago. However last night I met a really cute and fun girl at one. I won't say she was hammered, but she was clearly tipsy. We started dancing, I bought her a couple more drinks, and she started trying to make out with me. However, I'm not looking for that cheap hook up anymore, so I didn't reciprocate and continued being respectful. I even laughed and asked her friend if she was "OK to have another drink because I didn't wanna be that guy who keeps buying her drinks and takes advantage of her." When the bar started to close, I got her number and kissed her on the cheek. She said she had a fun time.

 

I went home with a lot of doubt though, because I figured that despite trying to be respectful, she either wouldn't remember me or she was just looking for a guy to scam drinks off of. So for any guys like me looking for something more, would you have taken the same approach or just accepted that the situation was worth nothing more than a hook up and taken that?

[Engadget]

I would have done something similar, unless I already know the girl there's no way I want to get with her the first time when she's wasted.

[MyNameIsJonas]

We started dancing, I bought her a couple more drinks, and she started trying to make out with me. However, I'm not looking for that cheap hook up anymore, so I didn't reciprocate and continued being respectful. I even laughed and asked her friend if she was "OK to have another drink because I didn't wanna be that guy who keeps buying her drinks and takes advantage of her." When the bar started to close, I got her number and kissed her on the cheek. She said she had a fun time.

 

I went home with a lot of doubt though, because I figured that despite trying to be respectful, she either wouldn't remember me or she was just looking for a guy to scam drinks off of. So for any guys like me looking for something more, would you have taken the same approach or just accepted that the situation was worth nothing more than a hook up and taken that?

 

I want to start by saying that there is nothing wrong with having morals and personal standards. Contrary to other beliefs, you are the bigger person by sticking to your personal beliefs and not caving because the situation goes in a particular direction. Other may and probably will disagree, but I applaud you for your actions.

 

That being said, I think you were a bit too determined to broadcast these morals to everyone, and that may have been your downfall in the long run. A random makeout in a bar is not even close to a hookup, and in the grand scheme of things, letting her kiss you (and kissing her back), wouldn't have made much of a difference.

 

The part of the story where you asked her friend if it was OK to buy her a drink because "I don't want to be that guy," was a bit unwarranted, IMO. It's one thing to have morals; that is seen as admirable by many, especially women who also have morals. However, when you state that you have those morals, it can be seen as being "stuck up." I'm not saying this did happen, but it does increase the risk if you choose to call her.

 

I'm not saying you should've hooked up with her or anything, but for the next time, just roll with it until last call, THEN kiss her again, get her number, make sure she gets in a cab safely, and go home. That way when you call her the next day you can base it on the fact that you wanted to make sure she got home okay. That will pay dividends in the long run, which appears to be your ultimate goal.

Edited June 27, 2010 by MyNameIsJonas
goats

[carhill]

Much wisdom will come from calling the number.

 

Having experienced this dynamic with women who turn out to be married, I can opine that everything isn't always as it seems.

 

My advice is to accept such moments for what they are, moments, and attach no significance to them. I can almost assure you that the ladies don't. Have fun!

[Feelin Frisky]

People who meet while drunk often have guilt and therefore don't acknowledge who they've acted out with. If she was hot and didn't smoke and appealed to me, I would probably been delighted by my fortune of the moment and mugged it up with her.

[xRJ85x]

I want to start by saying that there is nothing wrong with having morals and personal standards. Contrary to other beliefs, you are the bigger person by sticking to your personal beliefs and not caving because the situation goes in a particular direction. Other may and probably will disagree, but I applaud you for your actions.

 

It wasn't so much about holding morals, I don't want that to get confused and exaggerated because I'm looking for a relationship now rather than trying to roll through chicks. I have absolutely no problem with hooking up with a girl, there's girls in between that "I want more from" and "I want nothing from" catergory that would be the hookup ones. But since I'm looking for more myself now, that hookup category is very, very thin. But not to go off on that tangent, it was more about trying to show to the girl that I wasn't just another guy trying to get with her (and on top of it, being a challenge). She was in a group of three other friends and one of her friends was making out with a guy (to which my girl laughed and said "She's being very unlike herself.")

 

The part of the story where you asked her friend if it was OK to buy her a drink because "I don't want to be that guy," was a bit unwarranted, IMO. It's one thing to have morals; that is seen as admirable by many, especially women who also have morals. However, when you state that you have those morals, it can be seen as being "stuck up." I'm not saying this did happen, but it does increase the risk if you choose to call her.

 

This is where I would be confused on why it looks stuck up, because I always thought the general consensus was that the guys are the majority looking for hookups and one night stands. I've had girls before that liked me, but wanted more so they wouldn't sleep with me right away.

 

???

[xRJ85x]

Much wisdom will come from calling the number.

 

Having experienced this dynamic with women who turn out to be married, I can opine that everything isn't always as it seems.

 

My advice is to accept such moments for what they are, moments, and attach no significance to them. I can almost assure you that the ladies don't. Have fun!

 

So you suggest that I should have just gone with it and reciprocated the hook up?

 

I definitely could have, but I wouldn't have wanted both her and her friends to look at me as just another average guy who's satisfied with a hookup and that wasn't a challenge to her so they brush me off like any other.

[carhill]

So you suggest that I should have just gone with it and reciprocated the hook up?

 

If that's your intrinsic perspective, absolutely. Be true to yourself.

 

I'm a low-numbers selective male, so I couldn't fathom it, and never have 'taken advantage' of such a dynamic to get my noodle wet. Neither perspective is right nor wrong. Do what works for *you*. We're all adults, even those of us who are inebriated by choice.

[MyNameIsJonas]

This is where I would be confused on why it looks stuck up, because I always thought the general consensus was that the guys are the majority looking for hookups and one night stands. I've had girls before that liked me, but wanted more so they wouldn't sleep with me right away.

 

???

 

People are strange. I'm not saying I agree but its reality; when you have greater morals than someone else, and then you physically say it, that other person can feel bad then reflects that doubt on you. The common reasoning is "well if he has those morals, than why does he need to broadcast it? Who is he trying to convince?" and so forth. I have morals similar to you but I tend to keep it low key just for that reason. Think of the "on the high horse" label.

 

Keep in mind though that these are just suggestions. If you feel comfortable with your actions, then my advice shouldn't mean anything.

[MyNameIsJonas]

...and on top of it, being a challenge

 

I hate to threadjack, but I want to address this comment.

 

I really really hate this whole "being a challenge" concept. The only women I have ever met who believe in this preconceived set of actions are normally very low quality and don't really have any confidence in themselves.

 

The best women I have ever known, and consequentially dated, don't believe in this BS and actually see it as a waste of their time. In my younger years, I actually lost a great young woman because of this "challenge" concept and have stopped doing it ever since.

 

Again, just advice, but please abandon this "challenge" concept. It may work now but the moment you meet the right girl, IT WILL backfire and you will kick yourself for ages.

[Arbitrariness]

I hate to threadjack, but I want to address this comment.

 

I really really hate this whole "being a challenge" concept. The only women I have ever met who believe in this preconceived set of actions are normally very low quality and don't really have any confidence in themselves.

 

The best women I have ever known, and consequentially dated, don't believe in this BS and actually see it as a waste of their time. In my younger years, I actually lost a great young woman because of this "challenge" concept and have stopped doing it ever since.

 

Again, just advice, but please abandon this "challenge" concept. It may work now but the moment you meet the right girl, IT WILL backfire and you will kick yourself for ages.

 

There are different levels of the 'challenge' concept. I don't think he wanted her to jump through hoops, but perhaps to share a decent conversation before hooking up is a reasonable challenge no?

[Green]

We all know that normally bars are good for nothing more than the cheap hook up, which is why I gave up on trying to meet girls at bars a while ago. However last night I met a really cute and fun girl at one. I won't say she was hammered, but she was clearly tipsy. We started dancing, I bought her a couple more drinks, and she started trying to make out with me. However, I'm not looking for that cheap hook up anymore, so I didn't reciprocate and continued being respectful. I even laughed and asked her friend if she was "OK to have another drink because I didn't wanna be that guy who keeps buying her drinks and takes advantage of her." When the bar started to close, I got her number and kissed her on the cheek. She said she had a fun time.

 

I went home with a lot of doubt though, because I figured that despite trying to be respectful, she either wouldn't remember me or she was just looking for a guy to scam drinks off of. So for any guys like me looking for something more, would you have taken the same approach or just accepted that the situation was worth nothing more than a hook up and taken that?

 

I hate using bars as a place to meet women BUT when I was single it was fun to hit on them any ways...

 

FIRST I NEVER BUY DRINKS FOR GIRLS I DON'T KNOW. Seriously you should have offered to take her out for some food right there and then... helped her sober up and then KISSED her and heck then she might actualy remember you.

 

yeah give her a call but your chances of this working out are like a coin toss. You have her number so that good... but she may not remember you or like the idea that she met you while drunk at a bar.

 

GOOD LUCK

[Torres]

We all know that normally bars are good for nothing more than the cheap hook up, which is why I gave up on trying to meet girls at bars a while ago. However last night I met a really cute and fun girl at one. I won't say she was hammered, but she was clearly tipsy. We started dancing, I bought her a couple more drinks, and she started trying to make out with me. However, I'm not looking for that cheap hook up anymore, so I didn't reciprocate and continued being respectful. I even laughed and asked her friend if she was "OK to have another drink because I didn't wanna be that guy who keeps buying her drinks and takes advantage of her." When the bar started to close, I got her number and kissed her on the cheek. She said she had a fun time.

 

I went home with a lot of doubt though, because I figured that despite trying to be respectful, she either wouldn't remember me or she was just looking for a guy to scam drinks off of. So for any guys like me looking for something more, would you have taken the same approach or just accepted that the situation was worth nothing more than a hook up and taken that?

 

 

I personally think your view on bars is a bit messed up. So what, some girls like to hook up, you can usually spot them a mile away and are probably only about 10% MAX of the entire club there.

 

Don't judge a girl because you met her in a bar, its not everyones cup of tea but why do you think so many people go to bars to socialise? Its the easiest way to be in contact with lots of people and meet people.

 

In my experience, yes alcohol helps people loosen up, she wouldn't kiss you on the street but in this situation its more acceptable.

 

9 out of 10 girls are perfectly great girls and theres every likelyhood you can meet them again and even date them.

 

To be honest if it was me, I think you acted very weak. She's more likely to remember you if you DID kiss her if she wanted you too. Take her number, meet her again maybe for dinner and with less alcohol involved you'll get to know her better. How bad would you feel if YOU tried to kiss her and she turned away, you'd think she didn't like you and wouldnt take it any further.

 

Man, you said she wanted to kiss, be a man and kiss her, she'll remember you as the cool guy she kissed at the weekend and wont be able to wait for you to call.

As it stands, you are the wussy guy who wouldn't kiss her so either you're an ass and you dont like her, so shed have no desire to date you or you are just too weak and inexperienced to kiss her so she equally wont see any dating potential.

 

Sorry to be harsh but people need to stop being so PC and morally correct. You met a nice girl, you both wanted to kiss, so KISS her... call her during the week and take her to dinner... job done.

[cdubs32]

We all know that normally bars are good for nothing more than the cheap hook up, which is why I gave up on trying to meet girls at bars a while ago. However last night I met a really cute and fun girl at one. I won't say she was hammered, but she was clearly tipsy. We started dancing, I bought her a couple more drinks, and she started trying to make out with me. However, I'm not looking for that cheap hook up anymore, so I didn't reciprocate and continued being respectful. I even laughed and asked her friend if she was "OK to have another drink because I didn't wanna be that guy who keeps buying her drinks and takes advantage of her." When the bar started to close, I got her number and kissed her on the cheek. She said she had a fun time.

 

I went home with a lot of doubt though, because I figured that despite trying to be respectful, she either wouldn't remember me or she was just looking for a guy to scam drinks off of. So for any guys like me looking for something more, would you have taken the same approach or just accepted that the situation was worth nothing more than a hook up and taken that?

 

It was just fun for one night. I'd be extremely surprised if you called her and it led to a date. She was drunk, she was maybe interested in hooking up, you were gentleman but women don't care about that at the bar, which is why azzholes take them home....women want them to.

 

She may not be the kind of girl that does out with jerks or anything, but females are situational, and in that situation she was just out having a good time. I'd be surprised if you meant anything more to her at that point. Tomorrow she'll either forget you or just start ignoring you if you call.

[Torres]

It was just fun for one night. I'd be extremely surprised if you called her and it led to a date. She was drunk, she was maybe interested in hooking up, you were gentleman but women don't care about that at the bar, which is why azzholes take them home....women want them to.

 

She may not be the kind of girl that does out with jerks or anything, but females are situational, and in that situation she was just out having a good time. I'd be surprised if you meant anything more to her at that point. Tomorrow she'll either forget you or just start ignoring you if you call.

 

 

Entirely untrue.

 

Maybe 1 or 2 in 10 this maybe true for, on the whole, if he was a good guy and seemed fun and cool then there was absolutely posibility this would have went well after a phone call.

 

If you believe otherwise you must have serious problems meeting people.

 

As far as the actual interaction went then in the OP is getting interest from girls he's doing something right.

 

What he did wrong was pull away if she wanted to kiss. Also the comment about being "one of those guys" to her friends was a no-no. Girls go out and meet guys, thye kiss some of them, they VERY often lead to dates if the guy acts right... but by right I mean being fun and a good laugh to be with.

 

Don't stress not wanting to be "one of those guys", having fun and maybe kissing a girl is not "one of those guys". If you are very obviously trying to seperate her from her friends and implying you want sex then you are. Having fun with her and her friends and maybe kissing her leaves a good impression on them all and if she likes you and her friends thought you were cool then a phone call should go very well if you keep the same fun tone.

[xRJ85x]

Just to update everyone, I texted her last night asking if she got home OK and made a joke asking how her feet felt (since she kept complaining about her heels that night). She answered back asking how my night went and we exchanged a couple of texts before I told her I'd call her about planning a date.

 

People are strange. I'm not saying I agree but its reality; when you have greater morals than someone else, and then you physically say it, that other person can feel bad then reflects that doubt on you. The common reasoning is "well if he has those morals, than why does he need to broadcast it? Who is he trying to convince?" and so forth. I have morals similar to you but I tend to keep it low key just for that reason. Think of the "on the high horse" label.

 

Keep in mind though that these are just suggestions. If you feel comfortable with your actions, then my advice shouldn't mean anything.

 

I understand that, I wouldn't have thought it would come across as something that she would think of as self-degrading. As I said, it was more to make sure that her friends knew I wasn't just a guy trying to take advantage of a drunk chick. Maybe it's because I've heard girls talk more often than you or others, so I was being extra cautious of not displaying myself as being in that category. Especially since 3 years ago, I was that guy in college.

 

I hate to threadjack, but I want to address this comment.

 

I really really hate this whole "being a challenge" concept. The only women I have ever met who believe in this preconceived set of actions are normally very low quality and don't really have any confidence in themselves.

 

The best women I have ever known, and consequentially dated, don't believe in this BS and actually see it as a waste of their time. In my younger years, I actually lost a great young woman because of this "challenge" concept and have stopped doing it ever since.

 

Again, just advice, but please abandon this "challenge" concept. It may work now but the moment you meet the right girl, IT WILL backfire and you will kick yourself for ages.

 

Arbitrarness got it. It was more-so about the relationship vs. random hookup, as I've learned very well that relationships should never start based on sex.

 

I personally think your view on bars is a bit messed up. So what, some girls like to hook up, you can usually spot them a mile away and are probably only about 10% MAX of the entire club there.

 

Don't judge a girl because you met her in a bar, its not everyones cup of tea but why do you think so many people go to bars to socialise? Its the easiest way to be in contact with lots of people and meet people.

 

In my experience, yes alcohol helps people loosen up, she wouldn't kiss you on the street but in this situation its more acceptable.

 

9 out of 10 girls are perfectly great girls and theres every likelyhood you can meet them again and even date them.

 

To be honest if it was me, I think you acted very weak. She's more likely to remember you if you DID kiss her if she wanted you too. Take her number, meet her again maybe for dinner and with less alcohol involved you'll get to know her better. How bad would you feel if YOU tried to kiss her and she turned away, you'd think she didn't like you and wouldnt take it any further.

 

Man, you said she wanted to kiss, be a man and kiss her, she'll remember you as the cool guy she kissed at the weekend and wont be able to wait for you to call.

As it stands, you are the wussy guy who wouldn't kiss her so either you're an ass and you dont like her, so shed have no desire to date you or you are just too weak and inexperienced to kiss her so she equally wont see any dating potential.

 

Sorry to be harsh but people need to stop being so PC and morally correct. You met a nice girl, you both wanted to kiss, so KISS her... call her during the week and take her to dinner... job done.

 

I'm not judging her, which is exactly why I wanted more than just a random hookup from her. Seeing if she remembers and talks to me after shows that she was more interested in me than just a random hookup.

 

And saying that someone is wussy for not reciprocating a kiss is not only the dumbest thing you could say, but it doesn't even make sense. I already said I have no problem hooking up with a girl, but I was attracted to her enough to want to get to know her better. On the contrary, it's someone who kisses back in desperation who's the wuss. I'm just trying to figure out who the girl really is. I'll back it up with one of my college experiences: slept with my best friend's friend the first night I met her (at my best friend's bday). She made it look like we were heading for a relationship, but 6 months later I find out she went off with some other guy and tried to use us as friends with benefits for an excuse.

 

What he did wrong was pull away if she wanted to kiss. Also the comment about being "one of those guys" to her friends was a no-no. Girls go out and meet guys, thye kiss some of them, they VERY often lead to dates if the guy acts right... but by right I mean being fun and a good laugh to be with.

 

Don't stress not wanting to be "one of those guys", having fun and maybe kissing a girl is not "one of those guys". If you are very obviously trying to seperate her from her friends and implying you want sex then you are. Having fun with her and her friends and maybe kissing her leaves a good impression on them all and if she likes you and her friends thought you were cool then a phone call should go very well if you keep the same fun tone.

 

lol I didn't do anything remotely like pulling away. She started kissing the side of my face very aggressively while we were waiting for drinks at the bar and I just smiled and kept waiting for the bartender.

Edited June 28, 2010 by xRJ85x