yezzir1 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 My Ex and I were together for just under two years, yet was the longest, most meaningful relationship I had ever been in. Our level of intimacy, both psychological and physical, was very profound. We had many problems dating back to our early days together (fighting, power-struggles, jealousy, ect...) but overall we were "in love." I did/do love her, and I always thought she was more in love with me than I was with her, because she would say those three little words all the time (with feeling behind it). Especially during the last 3 months of our relationship leading to the breakup, we experienced some rough times due to one of her many suspicions over me cheating on her, which was untrue, yet still injured her trust in me. Moreover, she wasnt living with me at that time (as we had been for about 6 months or so beforehand).In any case, albeit we had persistent strains throughout our relationship, i was in love with this girl and she was so much a part of me. I had planned a trip for this summer to travel to the Middle East (on a group organized trip) and Greece (on my own). She could not travel with me for financial reasons. So in the weeks leading up to my departure, she would make me promise over and over again that i would stay faithful on my trip, ect..ect.. I was sad to leave her for a whole month, but I had been planning this trip for years and I had already pushed it back a couple of times. So decided to go. BAD IDEA During my trip I began to notice signs that suggested something was up. She wouldn't ever have her cellphone on, never once called me, and when I was finally able to reach her, she was cold and distant and even secretive. I would tell her "I'm thinking about you all the time, i miss you so much" and she would respond neutrally, with a colorless monotone, "i miss you too." Little did I know, while she was telling me she missed me she was on her way to her new lover's house. Only later in the trip, (the night before I left for Greece, alone,) when I noticed she had deleted an "I love you" note that she had posted on my wall, did I confront her about all of the discrepancies going on. She defended herself at first, trying to lie her way out of it. But then a long pause after I asked her why she deleted that post. "Baby, why aren't you saying anything? Whats wrong? What happened?" Then it comes out. "I cheated on you," she says in a very regretful tone. At once I became the saddest, most confused, and most furious individual alive. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. First the denial set in- then an inquisitive stage, where I was asking her how it happened, and all the other relevant details. She told me it happened 1 time with this guy she had met at a park, got drunk with, and since she had no place to stay, stayed at his apartment for the night. Apparently they began watching a movie and then he pulled a move on her, and then they had sex. This is what she told me at first. She also said that she didn't love me anymore, and that she never did, and that she wouldn't have cheated on me if she really loved me. After trying to wrap my mind around this shocking reality that had just set in I impulsively said something to the extent of "that guy's dead, and as for you, I don't ever want to see or hear from you again." Hang up. After writhing in pain for a good half-hour I found myself calling her back to tell her that eventhough she made a really bad decision, that it didn't have to end, that we could still be together in the long run, and that we would work on our issues for real this time. Nevertheless, she was firm in her resolve that she no longer wanted to be with me, that she "wasn't happy" with me. She broke up with me. In all reality, it was all of the circumstances in her life, her crappy decisions, lack of maturity and perseverance that were making her miserable; if anything i was the one thing that wasn't crappy in her life. And she would tell me that time and time again when we were together. So I went to Greece, trying to mend a broken heart. Sufficed to say that I didnt really enjoy my time there and was spending my time crying or thinking of an emergency plan of action in order to restore our love and our life together. What I came up with was a scenario where my friend who lives back home makes plans with her to meet at the place where we had first met, and to surprise her there with all the love-letters and poems we wrote for each other. Then I was going to Mind you, in order to do this I buy an expensive airline ticket home and cut half of my Eurotrip short. So I get back home and show up at the meeting spot, wait for a few hours, but she never shows. I finally reach her later that night and ask her to meet. She is very surprised at my early return. We go to a park to talk. I tell her the extent to which she had hurt me and how heartless it was to do what she did. Then i express to her that regardless of her reckless and disturbing actions, I still think we were meant to be together and that we could be happy together. I was practically begging her to take me back, and I wasnt even the one who cheated! I told her that i didn't know what i would do without her and that I can't imagine not being with her. I used the love letters, even showed her 2 tickets I had bought for the two of us to go on vacation together, so that she has time to think things out and obviously spend some time with me after being influenced weeks on end by these negative people she was hanging around with. There is no doubt in my mind that others helped her come to this realization "that she didnt love me anymore" and that she is unhappy enough to end it and destroy everything we had built together. Even though she claimed it was %100 of her own motives, i think others had a strong impact on her. So no matter what I would say or what I would promise her, even after I came from half way across the world to see her (a cheating girlfriend), she was determined to reject me. It's like she had it set in her mind that it just wouldnt ever work. She even refused to go on the trip I had paid for us to go on in a couple of days from that time. I offered to get her something to eat, because she was trying to leave, and I just wanted to be close to her, I missed her so much. But she was not the same person. There had been some radical change in her while i was away. I couldn't (still can't) quite understand it. As we were walking, she would shoo away my advances; she was no longer attracted to me at all. It was almost as if i repulsed her. This was very painful for me. During the meal I kept on asking her questions about her cheating escapade(s), and she changed the story from cheating once, to twice, and since has gone up to 6; now she's saying the whole past month since i've been away she was having sex with him. So it ceased to be a "mistake" and began to look more like a very consensual "****-buddy" relationship that they seem to have developed. Her incessant lying about the whole matter just made things worse. Her stories would change from bad to worse, and over the past few weeks she has consistently lied to me saying that she no longer sees that individual when in fact she does. To add insult to injury, after she cheated on me but before she told me anything about it, she went ahead and used a 200$ gift certificate that i had gotten her to get her hair done. Her actions toward me were cold and heartless, and the worst part of it was that, eventhough she apologized for it, she seemed to address it as an insignificant thing. In no way did any feelings remain from the close-to-2-years we had been together. Moreover, from what i hear about this individual that she cheated on me with and that she is seeing as "a friend with benfits" now, he is a pretty grimy low-life type of guy, with a dead-end fraudster job, living in the slums, addicted to cocaine, and definitely not good-looking. To go from me to him was another insulting, disturbing, twist to it all. There are many more details that I will spare you from, including a couple of things I did to get revenge at her, and her now hate, and utter contempt for me. She goes around telling all our mutual friends a very one-sided version of everything that took place, making me look like the bad guy. Overall, this was definitely in my top 3 most painful experiences of my life. I still think about her night and day, and eventhough I want to forget her and all the pain she caused me throughout our relationship, she remains in my heart. I can't get any sleep, I find myself constantly "re-feeling" negative emotions associated with her and this other dude. Fantasizing about what I couldve done differently if I could go back in time. Funny thing is, during our relationship there were so many times where we came very very near the point of breaking up. It was never "real," but I really considered it multiple times. As it happens, loving something or someone that hurts you is possibly the worst combination ever. At this point (2 weeks later) I feel like I am beginning to move on. But I still think about her every day, defintely every hour, maybe even every minute? After what she did to me, the only rational emotional decision is to drop this liability, this person that has been weighing you down emotionally for so long. But the heart is not rational; it sees love where love is. I told her many times since we broke up, "We'll be together eventually, I know it. Maybe not now, but we will spend our lives together at some point." But I don't know if she ever came running back , if i would take her back in. In the amount of time that will pass between now and that time I think most likely she will be much less a part of me, and I wouldnt let her treacherous, slimy, lying face back in my life. I deserve a better woman than that. But who knows, anything can happen.
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