NoogieDog1 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Hey, This is my first post here and I truly hope to get some insight. I'm gonna try and trim this down for your reading pleasure... Long story short, I really hurt my ex. We were together for 10 months, and it got very intense. We lived together for part of it, she was accepted into my family, we spent a ridiculous amount of time together...I loved her. We both moved to Los Angeles, separately, but decided to keep the relationship as we were def in love. Once here, we kind of cocooned into eachother and were not truly defining identities here. We were not making friends, neither of us were working and we just nested in. I moved here for my career and wasnt making any moves. For about 3 months prior to the breakup, I had been mentioning to my friends and family that I thought I needed to be single here in LA to fully be able to explore life here...in all ways. Just to be able to go wherever, hang with whoever... I would mention that I thought she wasn't motivated enough for me and that I had lost quite a bit of sexual attraction to her. In these months, she had been asking me to work on our relationship more. Be more attentive. Stop looking at other girls. I said I would do the work, because I LOVED her, but didn't commit hard enough. She basically almost broke it off with me twice, but I reeled it in. In the end, I BROKE UP WITH HER about 3 months ago. It was an impulsive move. I left rehearsal, went to meet her at work and something jsut came over me. When she was done, my vibe was so weird that she asked what was up and I just let it out. She was very quiet. No tears. hmmmm? Basically I'm struggling releasing the guilt I feel for being soooo selfish to someone who was genuinely loving and giving to me. There was no lying, cheating or abuse in the relationship, and I let it go at the time as I thought it was a good idea. For the last 3 months I've been SOOOOOO depressed. I've tried getting back together to no avail, and no go. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I CANT stop thinking about how she will now share her life with someone else. She wont talk to me. I've been very close to hurting myself. What I don't understand is how I could feel this for so long, when I was the one that did this!!??!! Makes me feel even worse... My life feels like it has no purpose and I honestly can not envision a day where I dont wake up thinking about her. I've slept with one person since, and felt aweful about it. I also fell into every cliche by sending her long intense emails after the break about how much i loved her and what I learned. Dumbass. I called her yesterday. dumbass. left a short message and havent heard back. I may NEVER hear from this person again and that alone is enough to make me sit in bed for hours. How there once was love, and how she has been able to move on and I cant. I've been seeing a therapist since and I dont feel any progress. Shes a hot little blonde, that is certainly getting lots of attention and I cant imagine why she wouldn't be indulging in her singleness. My desire for other women is completely gone. I cant engage. I think I dont want to, because if I do it, it means she is too. I'm in denial. I cant really live like this much longer... knowing she is prob in the arms of another is enough to make me want to end it. Please help me.
brokendream Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 For about 3 months prior to the breakup, I had been mentioning to my friends and family that I thought I needed to be single here in LA to fully be able to explore life here...in all ways. Just to be able to go wherever, hang with whoever... I would mention that I thought she wasn't motivated enough for me and that I had lost quite a bit of sexual attraction to her. In these months, she had been asking me to work on our relationship more. Be more attentive. Stop looking at other girls. I said I would do the work, because I LOVED her, but didn't commit hard enough. She basically almost broke it off with me twice, but I reeled it in. QUOTE] She knew something was wrong with the relationship and gave you a chance to fix things. Why did you bother doing the work to fix things if you had plans of dumping her? It would have best best to let her down gently rather than let her think you had something worth fighting for. You broke up with her out of the blue when you were "cocooned" in LA together. That's harsh and I don't blame her for not speaking to you again. I think you've really blown any chance you've had with this girl. She's probably had enough of your game playing. I know this is probably hard to accept right now as you see your mistakes but it's most likely the reality of the situation. The best thing you can do now is go NC and try to get over her. You say you wrote emails and stuff so she knows how you feel. If she wants to give things another chance she'll let you know.
cavedweller Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 You need to pull yourself together and move on..It is over..
Author NoogieDog1 Posted June 27, 2010 Author Posted June 27, 2010 Damn... I guess this is a truly honest, and brutal place. I know i made big mistakes in this situation. I'm living with a dark cloud of guilt about it. Was looking for something positive... I guess I am as aweful as I think. I didn't mame anyone, lie, cheat or steal, and I didn't "have plans" to break up with her. I think I feel worse.
desertsun09 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Noogie, I'm sorry that you are hurting a bunch right now and I assure you, that this will eventually all pass and you will be better on the other side of this. I worry about what you are saying, that you may 'end it all', etc. Brutal or not, the previous poster is right, you do need to pull yourself together, or else you will not be able to get yourself out of this rut. Try to think positively about the situation. YOU were the one that broke things off, and you did that for a reason. No one just decides to break up with someone on a whim, for no reason out of the blue. There were traits about her that you disliked, or maybe the dynamics between the two of you, that you were unhappy with. The bottom line is that it wasn't working for you and you did something about it. Good for you I say. Sometimes it takes people years to pull the trigger on something that isn't quite right. You just saved yourself a lotta time and energy. I thnk you are just feeling bad now because maybe you are feeling lonely and are used to having somebody right there with you all the time and now that she is ignoring you, you don't like it. She's doing what she needs to do for NO CONTACT, just let her do it and move on with her life and you will feel much better after a while. You've got to remind yourself, why was it that i was not happy with her? Why was it that i checked out other chicks all the time? Why was it i felt unmotivated around her? Remind yourself of these things and just put forth energy into becoming the success you hoped moving out to LA would make you. Try to stay postive, don't beat yourself up, and if you can try to stop all the negative self defeatest talk. It will only bring you down. Don't contact her at all and just try to pull it together, make positive changes, etc. Good luck to you and i hope you feel better soon!
shaquira Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 As much as i hate to admit it..3 months and still she hasn't replied back and she knows how you feel. Basically you are at her mercy All i will say is keep busy ...maybe just maybe she might send you a message or call back. Good luck
processing Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 You're not awful... you just screwed up a good thing possibly. I think just next time you're in a situation such as this try to listen more to the person you're with, ask for help from others if needed (you are seeing a therapist so they can help in the future) and learn from your mistakes. I don't know if she'll ever return to you... but as another person said hang in there buddy, keep busy and keep your head up.
Author NoogieDog1 Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Thanks for some support. I forgot to mention that I'd been trying to get back together this whole time. About a week after the breakup I realized my aweful mistake and began the process. Unfortunately, I think I did everything I shouldnt have. Emails, texts...yada. I know I overwhelmed her and prob freaked her out. She must think I'm aweful. Anyway, we did have some form of communication albeit brief, curt and never her idea. That completely stopped 3 weeks ago. Dark ever since. It should be pretty obvious to me she has moved on, no? This whole time she had been saying that she just wanted some space and that it wasnt about seeing or meeting someone new as a partner. One huge issue for the relationship was that we did not have individual identities here in our new home at all. It was completely symbiotic and sheltering. So... is it just some space??? I think the denial phase is strong with me.
Recommended Posts