I can't pick myself up

[everlastingsweets]

Please, I just need to talk to someone. I've been crying nonstop for 3 days straight. I need to pick myself up and I cant. I need help.

I am the other woman. I had an affair with my boss. He is in a very public position. When he approached me about an affair, I was scared to say no because I thought I would lose my job. In the end, we had both fallen in love and had made plans to be together.

We were together 7 mths. I kept trying to leave him but everytime he would convince me that "yes, when this all comes out, I will be there for you" "I promise I will never leave you," etc.

Well, we got found out. His life left him, they had been married 25 years. She filed for divorce the next day. It's been 3.5 weeks since then, and she is actually happy, they'd both wanted out for over a decade, but neither had made the move.

I've had to deal with community scorn. I couldn't go outside for days. I've had people call my friends and bash me. I've had friends leave me.

He has 2 kids, one is 19 and one is 21. They are mad and I told him they just need time. He left me on Friday because he said they said they will not talk to him if I'm still in the picture.

I'm crying because I'm alone. I have no parents, no siblings, no family. I have a child to raise. I'm out of a job and I have no leads. I have a mortgage and bills. He left me the day before the anniversary of my grandmothers (who raised me) death.

I begged him not to do this, when all this blew up, I was the only one who was there for him. He told me he'd be there for me, and he's left now that I have nothing.

Yes, this was a lesson learned. He called me that night and told me how messed up he was, that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone, and it hurts him to hurt the one person who has been nothing but good to him.

I need to pick myself up. I'm usually a very strong person, why can't I do this? My heart is breaking. I'm sorry for what I've done.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed someone, anyone to listen.

Thank you

[Norville_Rogers]

I am so sorry to hear your story. I do understand though that we all just need someone to lean on and listen to us. Good luck with your future and I hope everything turns out for all of you.

[Hazyhead]

Please, I just need to talk to someone. I've been crying nonstop for 3 days straight. I need to pick myself up and I cant. I need help.

I am the other woman. I had an affair with my boss. He is in a very public position. When he approached me about an affair, I was scared to say no because I thought I would lose my job. In the end, we had both fallen in love and had made plans to be together.

We were together 7 mths. I kept trying to leave him but everytime he would convince me that "yes, when this all comes out, I will be there for you" "I promise I will never leave you," etc.

Well, we got found out. His life left him, they had been married 25 years. She filed for divorce the next day. It's been 3.5 weeks since then, and she is actually happy, they'd both wanted out for over a decade, but neither had made the move.

I've had to deal with community scorn. I couldn't go outside for days. I've had people call my friends and bash me. I've had friends leave me.

He has 2 kids, one is 19 and one is 21. They are mad and I told him they just need time. He left me on Friday because he said they said they will not talk to him if I'm still in the picture.

I'm crying because I'm alone. I have no parents, no siblings, no family. I have a child to raise. I'm out of a job and I have no leads. I have a mortgage and bills. He left me the day before the anniversary of my grandmothers (who raised me) death.

I begged him not to do this, when all this blew up, I was the only one who was there for him. He told me he'd be there for me, and he's left now that I have nothing.

Yes, this was a lesson learned. He called me that night and told me how messed up he was, that he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone, and it hurts him to hurt the one person who has been nothing but good to him.

I need to pick myself up. I'm usually a very strong person, why can't I do this? My heart is breaking. I'm sorry for what I've done.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed someone, anyone to listen.

Thank you

 

You're bound to feel the pain right now. I know how much that can sap you of everything but you just need time. Let the pain out but live; you have a child and you need to do so for them. You will find your strength again everlasting, but until then, something that's repeated often on here - fake it til you make it.

 

((((((((evs))))))))

[califnan]

May I ask, did he loose his job as well?

 

I have noticed through reading that it isn't uncommon for the MM to give excuses whether he is in the marriage .. or coming out of the divorce..

 

Easier said than done, but try not to rely on him.. You have very important problems.. If he cannot do right by you, be with you - and help you to save your house, while unemployed - you Must put him on the back burner where he belongs..

 

What I am concerned with right now, is that you are again able to be a wage earner and keep your house..

 

Submit your resume on line and to all employment agencies in your area.. Keep looking for employment.. Go online and get the emails for the human resources of any companies you would consider in your area - that you could email your resume .. Output your resumes for coldcalling potential employers..

 

Don't consider the affair of importance right now .. see it as the fluff that it was - until you are able to find your life similar to where you were before this happened.

[everlastingsweets]

yes, he lost his job that day too. Since he was in such a public position though, the first week, no one called him. But yet, I was there. The second week, they started to come around, then he kinda forgot about me. The third week, they started to dwindle again, and he came around to me once more.

He has very wealthy friends and they've given him hundreds of dollars each. He moved in with some friends, living there rent free. He gets to go out and walk every morning and night, by himself and not worry about anyone confronting him.

I, cannot do that yet. I have to be with someone when I go walking. I'm afraid of confrontations. When I'm at the nearby store, I get glares. Some of my friends were there when this all went down, some came a little later. His wife lives a couple of blocks over, she is selling their house. I've got people who know both of us within houses of me.

I cry for hours. I cannot stop. I keep thinking, how could he have done this? I don't doubt for one moment that he loves me. But you just don't do this to someone.

He says it was for his kids. He just won't give them time. They were slowly starting to talk to him, but then he would just overwhelm them, and they would back off again. I told him, so you leave me so they'll talk to you, and you're showing everyone this all was for nothing? If we stay together, it shows that you were in love, that you wanted to be loved. He says they are more important to him than anything and I'm the symbol that destroyed their lives.

I'm afraid he'll call, and I'll be honest. It would be hard not to take him back. Part of me wants him to call, part of me doesn't. Everyone wants me to get mad, then they said I'll start to rebuild. I just can't get mad, I'm just destroyed.

What do you usually see happen after something like this?

Edited June 27, 2010 by everlastingsweets

[califnan]

If you have read enough stories on here, you will know what a Cad the MM can be .. And if he doesn't use his children, he will think of another excuse.. whether in the marriage or coming out of the divorce..

 

What I am concerned about, is that you may have big regrets later for not focussing on priorities at this time..

 

I think your priorities should be that of trying to secure employment - while trying to save your home and lifestyle.

 

You have all the time in the world to love, hurt and miss this user.. (Most probably you will finally reach the stage of regretting the relationship) .. Right now you must focus on your personal wellbeing, immediate future and potential money problems..

[Fieldsofgold]

I'm sorry for the pain you are in right now. I am sorry for your troubles. I am angry, too. Unfortunately, women have found themselves abandoned at their lowest and most vulnerable time for centuries - whether it's due to an affair gone bad, as is your case, or an unplanned pregnancy, or a wife and children left behind.

 

Try to accept that this man is a jerk, totally lacking in integrity, and quit hoping he will somehow come through for you (you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.)

 

Here is what you need to do NOW. Apply for any and all assistance you can - unemployment, food stamps, housing assistance, Medicaid, whatever it takes to get you and your child over. Can you move to a different area? A change of scene might be good for you and your child, too. What age range is your child? Old enough to understand and be affected? If so, a move to a new area might really be good.

 

Apply for jobs. All jobs. All work is honorable. I know this will take some emotional energy on your part - emotional energy you don't have right now.

But getting busy, throwing yourself into getting work, can be therapeutic.

 

I read an article today recommending that when you submit your resume for jobs, do so in person, not on line, because it is more likely to be noticed.

 

Mostly, remember that millions of women have found themselves/children in desperate circumstances, and survived. Many times they come out stronger and wiser, and in a better place than before. Hold on to yor hope! And I will say a prayer for you.

[NoIDidn't]

Man this sucks. I've been his kids before and didn't give two sh*ts about the OW's feelings. They figure if he drops you, things might return to normal. He figures if he drops you, he can come back later since the love won't die while he supports his kids. He thinks they will come around. They might. He did that to pacify them for the time being, with no thought of how it looks to you.

 

He'll be back with excuses and apologies. And you will likely take him back. But remember, this is who he is. Pacifying one group and sacrificing the other. Until he fixes this, you have no idea of what you are really getting into.

 

I'm very sorry that you are hurting, and that your community is shunning you. I hope you find another job soon. The friends that haven't abandoned you, you should reach out to. You need real live support right now. I hope you get it.

[torranceshipman]

You sound like you loved your grandmother very much, and I am guessing she loved you a lot, and knew what was best for you. Consider what she would think of this man. I think you can imagine the advice that she would give you - follow that advice!

 

And as an aside....the day you should have had space to grieve for and remember your grandmother, you instead have to spend it miserable crying and heartbroken at your most vulnerable time because that jackass couldn't even give enough of a s**t about another human being to at least wait until after the anniversary.

[Owl]

You have no job, no friends, no family, and live in a community that hates you because of your affair with your boss.

 

Sounds like a perfect opportunity to pack out and find a new place to live.

 

Perchance an opportunity to find new friends, and start life over without this baggage.

[sadintexas]

We were together 7 mths. I kept trying to leave him but everytime he would convince me that "yes, when this all comes out, I will be there for you" "I promise I will never leave you," etc.

 

I'm very sorry you're going through this. This makes me so mad! (Rhetorical questions coming) Why did this man stay in his M? Why was he willing to keep it together until the A was found out? If he and the W were both unhappy for a decade, it seems to me that he could have sat down with her and they could have made the decision to end the M without having all of this come to light.

 

I'm curious, did he lose his job?

[everlastingsweets]

thank you all for your responses. I've been crying now for 4 days straight. He did lose his job. He stayed with his W, and she stayed with him because they had a good partnership and it was this whole "power couple" thing. To the outside world, they had this perfect family. They had been together for so long, they just both figured this was how it was going to be. I'm 38, he is 49 and she is 52. He kept trying to stay in it til next summer because he was trying to get his children's college debt and car notes paid off so it wouldn't be so hard on them.

I went to see a friend of mine last night. She held me in her arms and I just bawled. She told me 'just let it all out.' Instead of telling me "I told you so's" or "well, what did you expect?"

I went to see my counselor, she told me I need to do things to take my mind off of him. I'm trying. She told me that she'd seen this many times and that there was a chance he's gonna call. "When his kids go back to school, the divorce is over, he'll be sitting there alone, and he'll call" is what she said. I said, "if he called right now, I'm not going to lie, I'd take him back, but I hope he never calls and if he does, I hope I"m at a stronger place where I can tell him no."

Owl, I wish I could move, but to get an apartment, you have to have a job. I'm out there looking like crazy, but there's nothing yet.

My exhusband (we are still very good friends) has offered to move back in and live in the spare bedroom. He said he will take over the mortgage and bills until I get back on my feet. He said the last thing I need to worry about is losing our home. I thought this was wonderful, but I told him I'm too messed up emotionally to think right now. I told him that I wouldn't want to hurt him and as long as he knew that. I've got some money to go through 2 more months, so maybe I'll find something by then.

 

I wanted to add one more thing. I literally, cannot stop crying. I cry all day long. I cry when I'm driving, out at the store, just everywhere. This pain is just horrific. When I spoke to the counselor I told her I didn't understand, how you could be with someone for 7 mths, everyday, speak several times a day, making plans, and then "poof" it's over. No leading into it, no forewarning, just one day, "I can't see you anymore" I guess it hurts so bad, because I was just so good to him, how can you hurt someone like that? knowing they are alone? knowing they have no family, no one to really turn to?

Edited June 29, 2010 by everlastingsweets

[sisyphus]

I don't have any good advice (my life is a big mess right now too) but I just want you to know this is a safe place - the women here have been great to me - and that things WILL get better. you ARE valuable, and though it will take time, you WILL get past this. I have no easy answers as to HOW (i still cry on and off) but I have faith it will happen.

 

hugs

[piscis]

everlastingsweets I wish I could tell you something that make your crying dissapear.

I know it is awful, it happends to me too.

Please continue to post here you will find a safe please to express where you wont be judged, you will hear all kind of opinions but well intented all of them.

 

Be good to yourself, do not punish or tell yoursalef ugly things.

It happened and I know you wont see it now but it will pass, evrey day you are a day closer to be better.

 

Keep posting

[MyFavouriteMistake]

Everlastingsweets....I am so sorry you are going through this. I really don't have any advice, I wish I did, because then I'd know how to make myself better. I just wanted to offer you some hugs and let you know you are not alone....

 

I guess all we can do is try and be as strong as possible, and pray that time really does heal, and that we will come out the other end of this as stronger, better people.

 

*massive hugs*

[Corporate]

So, you knew he was married with kids and yet, you think it was okay to go ahead and sleep with someone's husband?

 

Have you have the chance to face his wife and his kids yet?

[pureinheart]

thank you all for your responses. I've been crying now for 4 days straight. He did lose his job. He stayed with his W, and she stayed with him because they had a good partnership and it was this whole "power couple" thing. To the outside world, they had this perfect family. They had been together for so long, they just both figured this was how it was going to be. I'm 38, he is 49 and she is 52. He kept trying to stay in it til next summer because he was trying to get his children's college debt and car notes paid off so it wouldn't be so hard on them.

I went to see a friend of mine last night. She held me in her arms and I just bawled. She told me 'just let it all out.' Instead of telling me "I told you so's" or "well, what did you expect?"

I went to see my counselor, she told me I need to do things to take my mind off of him. I'm trying. She told me that she'd seen this many times and that there was a chance he's gonna call. "When his kids go back to school, the divorce is over, he'll be sitting there alone, and he'll call" is what she said. I said, "if he called right now, I'm not going to lie, I'd take him back, but I hope he never calls and if he does, I hope I"m at a stronger place where I can tell him no."

Owl, I wish I could move, but to get an apartment, you have to have a job. I'm out there looking like crazy, but there's nothing yet.

My exhusband (we are still very good friends) has offered to move back in and live in the spare bedroom. He said he will take over the mortgage and bills until I get back on my feet. He said the last thing I need to worry about is losing our home. I thought this was wonderful, but I told him I'm too messed up emotionally to think right now. I told him that I wouldn't want to hurt him and as long as he knew that. I've got some money to go through 2 more months, so maybe I'll find something by then.

 

I wanted to add one more thing. I literally, cannot stop crying. I cry all day long. I cry when I'm driving, out at the store, just everywhere. This pain is just horrific. When I spoke to the counselor I told her I didn't understand, how you could be with someone for 7 mths, everyday, speak several times a day, making plans, and then "poof" it's over. No leading into it, no forewarning, just one day, "I can't see you anymore" I guess it hurts so bad, because I was just so good to him, how can you hurt someone like that? knowing they are alone? knowing they have no family, no one to really turn to?

 

((((((((hugs)))))))) Please take care of yourself physically too...k...you may not be eating (which to a degree can be a good thing for a short period of time)...please if you are too stressed to eat try to take suppliments with a piece of bread...ok doctor PIH is done with that lecture...

 

You sound severely traumatised...it's gonna take time. For him to make plans with you and then to abandon them tells me he either never intended to follow through, or the reality was too much.

 

For encouragement sake you sound like you are releasing all the negativity quickly (via the crying) and a suggestion would be for the next process (which could be the anger phase) to run through it quickly also, as many get stuck in this one. Anger can be easier because as there is an element of power that can accompany it..there is less vulnerability attached.

 

In bold, I'm really glad you have compassionate friends...there is enough judgement in the world and very easy to find...just walk out your front door as it is disguised in many forms. When I hear the "I told you so's" there is a "cringe" that takes place accompanied by a thought process that says ..."oh man that individual is about to go through the fire in order to learn compassion"...btdt. Personally, I run for the hills when I see this personality.

 

This might sound weird, although keep crying as it is a good release...it is a vulnerable state, although the strength that you receive when it is done is worth it...it will end. I went through a period that I cried for months...and am thinking the trauma triggered my hormones to trip out for a bit also.

 

Hey, just take care and hang in there, AND you are NOT alone...draw close to God as He is with you:)

[flutterbykiss]

Like so many others here, I know exactly how you feel and I am so so sorry that you have to go through it. You are not alone and you are not in anyway diminished because this happened to you. Good, genuine, valuable people get f#@$^d around by self-serving, faithless jerks all the time and it's not because we are pathetic or stupid or worthless. It's because THEY lack compassion, moral fibre and basic decency.

 

I was gutted when I was betrayed and abandoned - knee weakening nausea, spontaneous crying, panic attacks - the 'works'. In truth I allowed that man to jerk me around for months of misery while he picked and chose when he would see me or not. Eventually though I found a way to get back my power and assert some control over the situation - I ambushed the snivelling little wretch and made him face me and then I told him "right, now when you don't see me again you know it's because I don't want to see YOU not because you've shut me out". I also realised that the man I loved wouldn't have done what he did so obviously he wasn't the man I thought he was and consequently wasn't the man I loved. Proving that I COULD see him if I wished to (but that I didn't want to) was so empowering and cleansing. I felt clean for the first time in weeks - wrung out but clean and calm.

 

My hope for you is that you can find a way to get your power back and feel in control of your own situation. You are NOT at his mercy. HE is less than you believed him to be AND less than he promised to be. HE is the one who behaved in a weak, spineless manner. HE is the one who could lose his children.

 

Please be careful. I think you mentioned that you had been bashed . I can't believe people could be so nosey and self-righteous. It might be safer for you to have you ex in the house if you decide that's a good idea. I think it would also send a good message to the community - that he is standing by you in contrast to MM's wife leaving him - but only you know what is best for you.

 

Take care and keep us posted (((((hugs)))))

[Posh Polly]

He screwed you... Consider screwing him back with a big juicy sexual discrimination lawsuit. That would give you startup money to move.

[everlastingsweets]

thank you all for your responses. it's been a rough week, I'm glad I found this forum. I hope it gets better soon.

Edited July 3, 2010 by everlastingsweets

[everlastingsweets]

hi all, just an update. We are still not together, I still have not found a job. But the crying has lessened.

Last night I found out that he was trying to get back together with his wife. It made me realize that I was dupped. He bashed her constantly while we were together and made me think they were in this horrible marriage and he just wanted to quit suffering. I believed him.

I had a feeling that once he figured out he couldn't find another job, she is selling the house and that would be his ticket to a new start for one. And that he wouldn't have to part with half of his savings, he'd try to get back with her. He also has a chance to get another job and look like the "community leader who fell from grace, but has been given another chance." He's using her.

My ex is going to move back in and pay the mortgage so we don't lose the house. I thought that was admirable of him. I don't know how I feel about things right now, honestly, I feel sick.

I'm starting to realize that love is not about passion or being happy all the time, I think I've learned what love is by people's actions in a crisis. They don't leave, they stick with you.

[Fieldsofgold]

hi all, just an update. We are still not together, I still have not found a job. But the crying has lessened.

Last night I found out that he was trying to get back together with his wife. It made me realize that I was dupped. He bashed her constantly while we were together and made me think they were in this horrible marriage and he just wanted to quit suffering. I believed him.

I had a feeling that once he figured out he couldn't find another job, she is selling the house and that would be his ticket to a new start for one. And that he wouldn't have to part with half of his savings, he'd try to get back with her. He also has a chance to get another job and look like the "community leader who fell from grace, but has been given another chance." He's using her.

My ex is going to move back in and pay the mortgage so we don't lose the house. I thought that was admirable of him. I don't know how I feel about things right now, honestly, I feel sick.

I'm starting to realize that love is not about passion or being happy all the time, I think I've learned what love is by people's actions in a crisis. They don't leave, they stick with you.

 

I'm glad you're doing better. I think what you have just experienced up-close and first-hand is "typical" MM behavior.

 

BTW, based on actions - which speak so much louder than words - I'm wondering if your ex loves you? I don't know what your issues were, but he sure manned up and stepped up to the plate to help you and defend you at a very dark time in your life. Just sayin. . .