mtn_momma05 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I have been married for 11 yrs, and have 4 children with my husband. last month I started having an affair with an old flame (before I met my husband). as a result i am now pregnant. I told my husband about the affair, before I found out I was pregnant. then found out that I was 3 weeks pregnant. When I found out, I was devestated, but my husband was very noble in saying that we would raise the baby as his... and no one would know any different. With out even asking me if this is what I wanted. then last night he called his parents and not only told them that I had an affair, but also told them that I was pregnant. I havent even told my parents that I am pregnant! But now I am so confused, because at first he said that we wouldnt tell anyone anything, the baby is his... no matter what. But now he has told his parents. He has never been real open with me about his feelings, and not to make excuses for what I did, it is the main reason why I fell into the arms of another man. (One that I cared about deeply a long time ago) I don't want to loose him (my husband) but I also don't want the world to know what is going on in our lives... this should be private and kept between us.
Butterflair Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Your husband has a right to tell his side of the story to anyone he wants. This must be devastating to him and he probably needs support and someone to talk to about it. Calling his parents is logical. Being confused is understandable but being angry at your husband is a bit unfair. Keeping something like this a secret is going to be very hard. I think you need to have some honest and open conversations with your husband. It's going to be a difficult road. I wish you luck.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Oh like private how you had sex with OM and got pregnant by HIM private? Sounds like the chickens are coming home to roost... Sorry but you shouldnt have cheated if you couldnt deal with the fallout. You just blamed your husband for YOUR affair! and yet you still love him and is mad he told the TRUTH! give me a break lady. know something, abort the baby, go to retroville and work hard to be forgiven, if you want the marriage. Who wants to be married a woman who is preggo by someone else?
Windsurf66 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I don't want to loose him (my husband) but I also don't want the world to know what is going on in our lives... this should be private and kept between us. Your private parts should have been kept within the marriage between you and your husband, but you did not, so why get angry that your affair was not kept private Anyway, I can understand why your husband wants to consult his parents. Its a major decision and responsibility to raise somebody's child. Your husband would be also deceiving his parents by bringing in a bastard child as their grandchild. If I am a grandparent, I would mind if I am being deceived.
Windsurf66 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Oh like private how you had sex with OM and got pregnant by HIM private? Sounds like the chickens are coming home to roost... Sorry but you shouldnt have cheated if you couldnt deal with the fallout. You just blamed your husband for YOUR affair! and yet you still love him and is mad he told the TRUTH! give me a break lady. know something, abort the baby, go to retroville and work hard to be forgiven, if you want the marriage. Who wants to be married a woman who is preggo by someone else? No no, no abortion, the bastard child is innocent!! The wife is the guilty one. Abortion means the guilty one is killing the innocent one.
habs53 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I would have kicked your ass out the door so fast your head would be spinning. I would assume once your husband gets his head together after this shock you will be gone. All he can think is you having sex with someone else. He will never get over that. You might as well start packing, because this will happen.
wrencn Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Sit down and talk to your husband, ask him not to tell anyone else for the time being-which will be hard for him, but if he does decide to raise the child as his own, you don't want everyone else to know but the actual child. Ask yourself if you want to stay with your husband just out of fear. Are you completely done with the "sperm donor" or do you still have feelings for him. Does he know you are pregnant? It isn't fair to him, to not have a chance to be in the life of his child. I wish you the best of luck. Everything will work out in the end one way or another.
hurt and devastated Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Being on the receiving end of my wife cheating, I can tell you that your husband is a very noble person and must love you very much for even wanting to stay after all this. However, I agree with Habs in the fact what you did is going to start weighing on his mind. He may not show much hurt right now, but it's sure to come.
cyabye Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 (edited) You should turn to the person (not even a man IMHO) who you became pregnant with. Hell hath no fury like a husband scorned due to a cheating wife. The fall out will be brutal. If I was your husband, I would have been at an attorney's office as soon as I found out. cya Edited June 27, 2010 by cyabye
spriggig Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 You can't keep this a secret. Everyone will know, including the kid, eventually. This is the sort of thing that gets whispered about at family gatherings and now, through email and texting. You've almost certainly destroyed your marriage. I strongly suggest abortion, it's only three weeks in. Also, if you really want to save your marriage, you have a lot of grovelling ahead of you.
Ilovehimbut Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 You not only did this to your husband - but what about you 4 children? You don't think that they will find out that their brother/sister actually doesn't "belong" to their father? And what about the "other man" - both you and your husband are saying that he doesn't have a right to see HIS child? Are you planning on keeping it a secret so that your husband can raise this child as "his own" - well news flash - IT"S NOT HIS, and he isn't the only one who gets to make that call. My father had multiple affairs throughout his marriage to my mother, but at least he was smart enough to get a vasectomy first! You need to SLOW DOWN and think about what you have done, and are continuing to do to both this child, his/her FATHER, and the rest of your family - what you want doesn't fit into the equation anymore - you already had what you wanted! Good luck!
just_some_guy Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 This is a tough one. But I know someone who was the child of an affair. The parents kept this secret, but a few people knew about it. The mother passed away, the father remarried. His new wife in a fit of anger blurted out the truth in a very hateful way. The child finding out for the first time at the age of 44 that the father he/she knew all their life wasn't his/her biological father. As you can imagine, this was devastating. (story intentionally vague to protect the innocent) We are only as sick as our secrets.
U2RockZz Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 just because you got horny,doesn't mean that he got to pay the price for it.....if you are so concerned about your reputation...you shouldn't have done it then...how is that......i don't see any reason why he is still there...may be kids....get the divorce ASAP.....he is stuck with a cheater next time you get horny use the protection or do something about it......cause once a cheater is always a.....
habs53 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I feel bad this woman is getting this negative flack. But she definately came to the wrong place for advise and sympathy.
wrencn Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I feel bad this woman is getting this negative flack. But she definately came to the wrong place for advise and sympathy. I feel bad for her too. She's human and she messed up big time- she already knows this. Don't see the point in condemning her. And I damn sure don't see the point in telling her to have an abortion! :mad:Child trumps husband every day of the week in my book.
habs53 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Nope, abortion in my book is the same as murder. Although i came off hard on her, i honestly told her what i feel is going to happen. I would bet my house on it.
Woggle Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I am sorry you are in this situation but it is one that you created. Not trying to beat up on you but if you are really sorry you will take whatever fallout comes from it.
bestplayer Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I feel bad for her too. She's human and she messed up big time- she already knows this. Don't see the point in condemning her. And I damn sure don't see the point in telling her to have an abortion! :mad:Child trumps husband every day of the week in my book. I too think she is messed up & needs help . So there is no point in condemning her for her actions . I hope she comes back & can get some helpful advice
bestplayer Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Oh like private how you had sex with OM and got pregnant by HIM private? Sounds like the chickens are coming home to roost... Sorry but you shouldnt have cheated if you couldnt deal with the fallout. You just blamed your husband for YOUR affair! and yet you still love him and is mad he told the TRUTH! give me a break lady. know something, abort the baby, go to retroville and work hard to be forgiven, if you want the marriage. Who wants to be married a woman who is preggo by someone else? I agree , this is the only way if she really wants fix it .
habs53 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 I too think she is messed up & needs help . So there is no point in condemning her for her actions . I hope she comes back & can get some helpful advice Is there really any helpful advise anybody could give? All she can do is beg for forgiveness. Its not like he is going to forget this when she starts showing. He would have to be a very special person to get over this. I was reading somewhere that men never get over there wife cheating. Never. I would agree with this. Yes i realize people make mistakes, but this is the mother of all mistakes. I do hope the best for her and i hope things work out. I really do.
LisaUk Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Hi, I feel bad for the OP to, whilst I think what she did is wrong, I think she knows that. I think you know you have made a mess of things so no point in pointing that out. Whilst you know this, you sound like you are still not taking responsibility for your affair. Whatever problems you had in your marriage, there is no justification for your affair, I think you know this deep down from what you wrote in your post but you are still trying to justify it to yourself. That is only human it is called "self-serving bias" where a human tends to blame others for their mistakes or failures, it's only natural to try and protect yourself but if you want your marriage to work you are going to have to find the strength somewhere within you to admit both to your husband and yourself that what you did was wrong and inexcusable. I think you are very fortunate to have a man who loves you so much that he wants to work through not only your unfaithfullness but also is willing to take on another mans child. Ask yourself though if you are really being fair to ask him to do this? Is it fair to him, your other children, your families and the childs father. This is one heck of a mess and I think you realise that, how you get through this is going to involve some serious work between you and your husband and what you decide is ultimately up to the two of you, but you must consider what is best for the child and your other children first and foremost, NOT what is best for you. I think your husband has a right to tell his parents if he wants to, he obviously needs the support but I think before you and he make any more decisions you need to sit down with an MC and really talk all this and all the options through.
wrencn Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 Is there really any helpful advise anybody could give? A I was reading somewhere that men never get over there wife cheating. Never. I would agree with this. But women get over it? I don't think anyone can say all men or all women never/always... yada yada yada. This is one of the first things you learn in therapy.
habs53 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 But women get over it? I don't think anyone can say all men or all women never/always... yada yada yada. This is one of the first things you learn in therapy. Yeah i know women would not get over it either. lol That did sound bad. Anyways this poor woman is in a real pickle here. She probably wished she could turn back time. I feel bad for the unborn baby here. The only advise people can give here is abortion to help solve the problem and go from there. Well if the abortion is done, what happens if the husband still doesnt want her. I mean she did cheat. Then this unborn baby never gets to breath a breath. This lady knows this man better than anybody, maybe he can handle this.
spriggig Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I feel bad this woman is getting this negative flack. But she definitely came to the wrong place for advise and sympathy. Yeah, but it was her first post. She should have lurked a little more and then posted in the OW/OM forum.
U2RockZz Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 Yeah i know women would not get over it either. lol That did sound bad. Anyways this poor woman is in a real pickle here. She probably wished she could turn back time. I feel bad for the unborn baby here. The only advise people can give here is abortion to help solve the problem and go from there. Well if the abortion is done, what happens if the husband still doesnt want her. I mean she did cheat. Then this unborn baby never gets to breath a breath. This lady knows this man better than anybody, maybe he can handle this. logically even if her H leaves her, he has to pay CS for 4 kids....she won't get a penny for the other kid....i don't think anybody in their right mind would like to support OM's kid knowingly....
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