Am I wasting my time?

[isabella411]

I'm a female in my mid-20s who has been with this one guy (3 years older) for 9 months. We started as co-workers, became good friends, and ended up kissing one night after drinks - we've been hanging out ever since. We had known each other for a while when that happened, but during the past 9 months, we've really become close. We make each other laugh while also being able to have intellectual conversations, we go out to eat at least once a week, we can hang out for hours without getting sick of each other (we hung out almost every weekend), we've met each others' friends, etc.

 

I didn't sleep with him until about 3 months ago, and even after that, we don't have sex every time I go to his place (which is often). In the beginning, he would always insinuate that we were dating, but since I was scared of getting hurt, I always laughed it off. But after I started to realize I was really starting to like him, I've confronted him twice about where we were going. Both conversations usually ended with the conclusion that he really likes me, but he wasn't into having a relationship. He also said that we were not dating.

 

Though I was devastated at first, we continued to see each other even after the talk (for some reason (thankfully), it has never been awkward between us, and it's never been a problem keeping it professional in the workplace). Recently, there was a time where we did not see each other for 4 weeks. While I was with him during our first weekend back together, I casually asked if he had been with any girls while we were apart. He told me he had hooked up (but not slept) with one girl while he was back home (which is an airplane ride away so I know it was a one-time deal). Even after he told me this though, he continued to be very sweet to me as if nothing was wrong. I took the news surprisingly well as well.

 

Until this incident, he had always sworn he wasn't with any other girl but me (which I believe because we were usually together). While I know he isn't obliged to be faithful to me since we aren't in a relationship, I just felt it weird that he was totally okay with telling me. And while I really believe he likes me (which my friends agree - especially since he supposedly right out told one of my guy friends without being asked), it just felt wrong. I left his place the next day on friendly terms, but avoided his goodbye kiss (gave him a big hug though)/ I saw him out the next day (and we were friendly as always), but decided to go home instead of going home with him (which never happens anymore) just because it felt like the right thing to do.

 

He hasn't called since then, but I'm pretty sure he'll start talking to me again as if nothing has happened. I guess I'm writing this here since I have realized that deep down, there was a part of me which was hoping we did have genuine feelings for each other, and were just dating (only without labels). Now that I know that he isn't being entirely exclusive, am I just wasting my time, or is there somehow a way for us to work this out?

[jennifer4]

I've been there. It sucks. I prefer to know early on if the guy is looking for a relationship or not but talking about it so early might blow it. Now that time's gone by and you have feelings it's up to you. Now that you know he's not wanting a relationship do you want to continue? I wouldn't. If you think it would hurt emotionally to get out of it now just imagine how much more it would hurt in say a yr or more. I'd say cut your losses and move on.. If he really wants to be exclusive with you then take it slow and sorta start over and make him show through actions he's serious. You can not change anyone they have to change themselves.. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's no fun at all. good luck!

[Diezel]

You've brought up the relationship conversation TWICE and he's shrugged it off both times. That's the biggest red flag of all. At this point, you have 1 of 2 choices.

 

(1) Not necessarily start over: Because that's impossible. But start PULLIN BACK. You say you go over to his place all the time. Cut that out, NOW. Spend less time with him, start doing over things, start creating concern in his mind that something is wrong that's not allowing you to spend so much time with him. I hate to advocate mind games, but in this case, you need to create a desire for him to be with you. Right now, he's getting every benefit of a relationship without necessarily being in one. That HAS to stop if you want him to take the next step. Start cutting some phone calls, some visits, amongst other things and if he's really into you, he'll start questioning what's going on. Remember, as people we'll want what we can't have, and when all of the sudden he's getting LESS of something, he'll begin to wonder why and want it more.

 

(2) Just drop him altogether. Like I said, he brushed off the relationship conversation after all this time. It's been 3 months since you first had sex with him. That should be MORE than enough to try to establish a relationship with you. If it hasn't happened yet, it probably might not happen unless you choose Option 1. Still, it's a risk and it doesn't guarantee that he'll want to be with you. So you can either do that or choose this option and stop wasting your time and just find someone else who'd really want to be with you.

[isabella411]

Guys, thanks for your response At this point, I just don't know if I can pull away... I know that it's my fault that I can't, but I've tried numerous times. Every time I attempt to stop what's going on and pull back for a few days, he always calls within a few days, and I find myself back in the same cycle again (and no, I am not making it his fault, because I do understand that I am the one making the decision in the end).

 

I actually straight up told him yesterday, "I'm not going to be a bootycall," and his answer was "You definitely aren't one". He always seems happy to see me, gives me all the attention when we're out together, flirts with me... I think these actions stand in the way from me actually taking a stand.

 

I think I'm going to try out Diezel's first option... As much as I am afraid that he will not come around (as in still not wanting a relationship), I guess it's still a good choice since I will be mid-way into pulling myself out of the hookup all together...