I don't know whether to stay in this relationship..

[bolase]

I am having a few issues with my feelings, not sure what to do and any advice would be great, harsh or kind.

 

I started dating a friend about 2.5 months ago who I've known for a while (im 25, he's 26). All good even though we're quite similar, introverted as well as quite independent. Our communication is quieter but I still enjoy his company a lot. He isn't very affectionate except in person - after we went out for breakfast this morning he gave me a nudge on the arm before we parted (wth!) and I had to pull him in for a hug..

 

Anyway..even though he tells me i'm wildly independent and a feminist cause im determined to have my own life, which he likes, I myself am secretly putting all this pressure on the budding relationship to work out, because I used to go out with a friend of ours (1 year ago) and that guy is now dating another friend of ours. I dont envy them as a couple, at ALL, or want him back or anything.

 

Also, my housemate (another mutual friend) is jealous of our relationship from a friends perspective as it takes him away from her (BS) and isn't willing to discuss it, basically being a terrible friend and its caused a rift so we don't really talk about it.

Those things mean there is a lot of pressure for it to 'work' or Ill feel like Ive failed, since I fee as though my ex, and my housemate, essentially want this relationship to fail..i know its mostly in my head. I dont really care its just making me not myself when I"m with my boyfriend, less able to relax and flirt and enjoy everything. We aren't official by the way, but i get the feeling my boyfriend thinks so as he mentions things in the future often, such as he can't wait until i move houses, about projects we should do etc.

 

The other thing!!!! Which some may tell me off for - is that there's this other guy, who I had a crush on last year and saw occasionally through friends. He's VERY shy around women. I really liked him but we didnt see each other enough. We have lots in common in our area of work and interests. Last week we were talking on facebook and he asked to have coffee and talk about our work plans, so I though what the hell, it's not romantic, but I am interested in him as a person and indeed it was just friendly and we mainly talked about work, but then he began asking about my family and where I grew up, and ai began wondering if he actually liked me which would be..well the way of the world, just when I have a boyfriend!

 

If he'd asked I would have gladly told him I had started dating someone. He didn't, and now even though I dont feel in danger of having feelings I am curious to have coffee again and continue our conversation, but feel it might be playing with fire, cause he is...well everything I would want in a person..is that bad?

 

Or is it a sign I should just spend some time single? I like my boyfriend but feel like its a bit forced at the moment and he is hard to communicate with sometimes, I don't know how much he likes me and I am never this insecure about relationships..

 

confused.

Edited June 27, 2010 by bolase

[mixwell]

Just from reading the last few paragraphs from your post it sounds like with you your relationship being "forced" isn't a good thing.. Okay think of it this way... You've only been seeing this guy for 2 1/2 mths and ALREADY you're interested in someone else, that is not a good thing... If this other guy has all of the qualities you're looking for and more or less what you want I would say personally persue this other guy..

 

It may sound mean or harsh but look at it this way.. You've already mentioned the lack of conversation, lack of affection and feeling "forced" to make it work which are all horrible foundations for just being with someone for less than 3 months.. You're probably still in the honeymoon phase of this relationship and once you get over things and you 2 become your REAL selves these issues will probably fester in you and irritate you.. I would (personally) persue this other guy who you feel has all of the qualities you're looking for.. You only have 1 life and you may as well enjoy it to the best of your abilities.

[Viking]

If he'd asked I would have gladly told him I had started dating someone. He didn't, and now even though I dont feel in danger of having feelings I am curious to have coffee again and continue our conversation, but feel it might be playing with fire, cause he is...well everything I would want in a person..is that bad?

 

Or is it a sign I should just spend some time single? I like my boyfriend but feel like its a bit forced at the moment and he is hard to communicate with sometimes, I don't know how much he likes me and I am never this insecure about relationships..

 

confused.

 

I bolded the part that I think is utter tripe. You know very little about him except that he is shy. Why not address the problems with your BF and figure out if you want to stay with him before you go pursuing Mr. Painfully-Shy-Guy.

 

Why do some women jump ship at the first signs of something not going rainbows-unicorns-and-lollipops happy?

[bolase]

no, why do you jump to conclusions? I know him much better than that, we drink together with mutual friends from time to time, this is the only time we've spent 1 on 1. I just mean hes quietly spoken and maybe couldnt flirt to save his life unless he was sure first - you know? Not the a-game type of guy.

[bolase]

and I guess am that ship-jumper but I dont know If I should be feeling better in the early stage that this...all my past relationships (3) began much more freely and easily..but perhaps our difficulties stem from us being so alike in many ways. So I will try give it a shot. But I asked to come over and he hasn't texted back, he's quite hard to get sometimes. Took me out for breakfast after the night together, but quietened off and things were slightly awkward when we parted...weird. just weird. You know? And now this guy I used to really like seems interested and I'm wondering what to do.