Should I go ahead with this arranged marriage - From India

[ivar]

Hi ,

 

I am Ravi and I am 30 years old , male from India.I am single and ready to get married.Few months back I met a girl (the meeting was arranged by each others family members).I knew when I was meeting the girl that it was for marriage and after that my opinion would be sought , whether I like the girl or not.

 

At that time , I didnt really talk much with the girl and just had a brief conversation and after the meeting I pretty much gave my consent to this relationship and even the girl agreed.

 

3 weeks back we exchanged phone numbers and started talking on the phone and the first couple of conversations were fine and the objective here was to get to know each other and connect.

 

The dilemma that I am facing is I am not feeling any connection with the girl , I just dont feel like calling her and plus I find her accent repulsive (she is from the country side and I am from the city) .There is nothing wrong with the girl , she is sweet and pretty, her character is impeccable , ready to make adjustments for me, holds a masters degree etc etc .But because of her accent and the way she talks , I just dont feel like talking to her.

 

I spoke about this issue to my parents and they are trying to convince me by saying that it is a minor issue and her accent and the way she talks will change after she moves to the city but I am just not convinced.I just dont feel the connection with her.

Sometimes I feel I should go ahead with the marriage and things will iron out and sometimes I feel what if later on I just cant bear it anymore .Maybe its a minor issue for some but for me the way a person talks is much more important than physical attributes.

 

This is a typical Indian arranged marriage and I am someone who has always been independent and stayed single for most of my twenties.My parents are trying their best to convince me and I am myself highly confused .I dont want to hurt the girl or keep her in doubt or limbo and if I say 'no' straight away ...I feel I may lose out on a good girl who is genuinely interested in me.

 

I know I may have said 'yes' after our first meeting and its only after these telephonic conversations, I have realised this problem.

 

I just dont like the way she talks and her accent,and thats it , there is no other issue.I am worried if I say 'no' I will regret this later .Also all the conversations we had over the phone , she was the one who called except the first time.I never really felt like calling her the way I feel like calling any female colleague or a female friend of mine.

 

What shall I do ?

 

P.S: I am sorry if the mesage was too long , I had to be explicit.

[xxoo]

.Maybe its a minor issue for some but for me the way a person talks is much more important than physical attributes.

 

Hi Ravi

 

Everyone has dealbreakers in relationships--things that person can absolutely not accept in a partner. When choosing a mate, it is important to first identify your dealbreakers, and then screen for them in potential mates. It is equally important to understand what is not a dealbreaker--differences that you can overlook in a good match and loving relationship.

 

It sounds like accent is very important to you. Is it important enough to be a dealbreaker? If so, you probably should limit your potential matches to city girls with the accent you prefer.

 

But my feeling is that you will grow to love her accent, as you grow to love her. Your associations with her accent will change, and be closely tied to your feelings about her--for better or for worse.

 

About the connection, well, I don't know how conducive telephone conversations are to building connection in this kind of situation. You would probably have a better idea about that than I do; do your engaged peers report bonding smoothly over the telephone? So much is lost on the telephone--eye contact, facial expressions, touch, smell. And, of course, it emphasizes the one things you don't love: her accent. There will be so much more foundation for connection when you are actually together.

 

Good luck, Ravi!

[Corporate]

Are you in India? If so, is it possible for the two of you to meet and have dates, even if it's a group/family gathering so you can see and hear her in person?

 

I think you should take it slow and don't rush into it. Get to know her, maybe in time, you will fall in love with her and that accent.

[spriggig]

Any American who has visited the South for long knows accents DO change. You should hear a Bostonian after spending a year in the South, LOL.

[Corporate]

Any American who has visited the South for long knows accents DO change. You should hear a Bostonian after spending a year in the South, LOL.

 

Some people, especially over the certain young age, will retain their original accent no matter what. However, most people will adjust and change their accent somewhat according to their environment.

[spriggig]

Some people, especially over the certain young age, will retain their original accent no matter what. However, most people will adjust and change their accent somewhat according to their environment.

 

"Corporate". Good handle.

[ivar]

I would like to thank you people for your replies.I have been thinking about this a lot in the past few days and the reason being I dont want to keep her waiting or hurt her by giving her a false hope.Somehow I feel maybe its not the accent at all , I have been a guy who has pretty much been alone for most of his life , someone who really likes his space and all of sudden I have this girl calling me regularly and trying to get close to me hence I am resisting it cause I see my space being intruded.

 

 

What do you guys think ? Can this be the problem ?

[janicelove]

Just take it slowly and meet other people, maybe you'll meet someone with better accent.

[WalkInThePark]

It is unbelievable that this kind of situation still exists in 2010. But then, unfortunately for you, you live in a culture who arranges marriages.

Why do people fall in love? Because there is something which attracts them to each other in the first place. That is no guarantee for having a happy life together but it has to start somewhere. Being attracted is consisted of a lot of small things which are as such details but make the other person unique in one's eyes and cause that special feeling. Someone's voice, smell, accent,... these are small but very important things. It's those things which make you want to be close to someone. Or far away from someone.

 

I think it is wrong to let your parents decide who you will marry. But if you are in a culture where you can not avoid this, then make it clear to them what kind of girl you want to marry and take your time to get to know the girls they propose to you. Tell them that you can't continue with this girl because there is no connection.

[Fight4Me]

I have a couple of friends from India whose marriages were arranged. At first, I was shocked because I imagined a completely backward "forced" arrangement, but from the way they described it it was more like parents "setting you up." They had the right to refuse, even though they didn't. They were very happily married and could appreciate the system since they trusted their parents' to make a good match.

 

Ivar, correct me if what I'd described above is wrong, at least in your situation. As to your specific situation, it sounds to me like you're not attracted to her (and there's more to attraction than looks). Maybe there's an intellectual or personality disconnect. If there was something there, you would be able to imagine sharing your space with her, but as it is right now, you just aren't ready. Will your parents be understanding of that?

[Corporate]

It is unbelievable that this kind of situation still exists in 2010. But then, unfortunately for you, you live in a culture who arranges marriages.

 

You seem confused and ignorant about these arranged marriages.

 

It's more like a set up for some blind dates by the parents and not "here is someone and your marriage with this person is this September." Often, they have the power/right to refuse. I think it works out much better than the western way of dating around. For one thing, the parents won't set you up with some ghetto thug or some one you can't even imagin bringing home to meet your parents. That elimates lots of potention baby mama and baby dada dramas.

[DaisyLeigh]

You seem confused and ignorant about these arranged marriages.

 

It's more like a set up for some blind dates by the parents and not "here is someone and your marriage with this person is this September." Often, they have the power/right to refuse. I think it works out much better than the western way of dating around. For one thing, the parents won't set you up with some ghetto thug or some one you can't even imagin bringing home to meet your parents. That elimates lots of potention baby mama and baby dada dramas.

 

 

 

How strange that one should be considered "ignorant", or "confused", or my all-time favorite, "uneducated and unenlightened", just because they may not agree with another person's lifestyle, or what the other person does.

 

Arranged marriages, in the view of some people, is archaic and a practice which should go the way of the horse and buggy.

 

However, if the participants are willing and consenting adults, then so be it.

[spriggig]

"I am someone who has always been independent and stayed single for most of my twenties."

 

"...all of sudden I have this girl calling me regularly and trying to get close to me hence I am resisting it cause I see my space being intruded."

 

To me the accent thing sounds like classism, which Americans like to think they are above, but are not.

 

But, due to the quotes above it sounds like you're just not ready to get married. If that's the case, then by all means do not get married. Marriage is hard enough when both people want it.

[norajane]

I am single and ready to get married.

 

Are you sure you are ready to get married? Because maybe this is really the issue - you are not ready for a wife and children.

 

Accents change. These are more important factors:

 

she is sweet and pretty, her character is impeccable , ready to make adjustments for me, holds a masters degree etc etc .

 

But if you are not ready or interested in marriage, you will always find something displeasing because you resist the entire idea.

[Corporate]

How strange that one should be considered "ignorant", or "confused", or my all-time favorite, "uneducated and unenlightened", just because they may not agree with another person's lifestyle, or what the other person does.

 

Did you not read or understand my post?

[norajane]

Arranged marriages, in the view of some people, is archaic and a practice which should go the way of the horse and buggy.

 

However, if the participants are willing and consenting adults, then so be it.

 

It seems to work for a billion people in India, so I don't think we can say it's archaic since it's how they do it and have been doing it in current times. The methodology has changed over time, so it has evolved into how it works today.

 

None of us can really judge it fairly since we are not part of that culture and were not taught that's the way it's done. It seems like it's designed to put family and children above "in love" and "infatuation". Love can develop and grow, certainly. Who's to say our way is better? Our divorce rate doesn't indicate that's the case.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If you are not ready to settle down then it makes sense you might be put off by some aspect of even the most perfect partner. If you already dread her calls then that is probably something that will only get worse.

 

Maybe you should tell your parents the truth about your readiness. I think its very considerate of you not to want to lead her on.

[DaisyLeigh]

It seems to work for a billion people in India, so I don't think we can say it's archaic since it's how they do it and have been doing it in current times. The methodology has changed over time, so it has evolved into how it works today.

 

None of us can really judge it fairly since we are not part of that culture and were not taught that's the way it's done. It seems like it's designed to put family and children above "in love" and "infatuation". Love can develop and grow, certainly. Who's to say our way is better? Our divorce rate doesn't indicate that's the case.

 

 

It was merely an opinion.

[Rabican]

It is unbelievable that this kind of situation still exists in 2010. But then, unfortunately for you, you live in a culture who arranges marriages.

Why do people fall in love? Because there is something which attracts them to each other in the first place. That is no guarantee for having a happy life together but it has to start somewhere. Being attracted is consisted of a lot of small things which are as such details but make the other person unique in one's eyes and cause that special feeling. Someone's voice, smell, accent,... these are small but very important things. It's those things which make you want to be close to someone. Or far away from someone.

 

I think it is wrong to let your parents decide who you will marry. But if you are in a culture where you can not avoid this, then make it clear to them what kind of girl you want to marry and take your time to get to know the girls they propose to you. Tell them that you can't continue with this girl because there is no connection.

 

Arranged marriages aside, parental agreement is pretty much a pre-requisite in all cultures.

 

"It is unbelievable that this kind of situation still exists in 2010. But then, unfortunately for you, you live in a culture who arranges marriages."

 

I think this is a bit disingenuois, Western parents "arrange" marriages all the time, it just isn't as formalized.

[taiko]

Arranged marriages aside, parental agreement is pretty much a pre-requisite in all cultures.

 

 

Western/Euro-American parents do not anywhere near that kind of influence, that is why for the most part their first grandchild does not have a father at home, be he a husband or boyfriend.

[aerogurl87]

My best friend is Pakistanian and in our last year of high school she got engaged to some guy her parents picked out for her. She had the right to refuse (as I'm sure you do) but she consented and now she's engaged. At first she was unsure of her husband to be, till she left to go spend some serious time with him face to face. Now she's crazy about him, lol. So maybe you should see if you can arrange to spend more time with her in person to see if your view of her will change then. If it doesn't, just tell your parents you aren't feeling it and hope they find you someone better next time.

[jenniesteve]

Buddy what i think about this situation is that its you have to live with her and do that what your heart says.

[torranceshipman]

Hi ,

 

I am Ravi and I am 30 years old , male from India.I am single and ready to get married.Few months back I met a girl (the meeting was arranged by each others family members).I knew when I was meeting the girl that it was for marriage and after that my opinion would be sought , whether I like the girl or not.

 

At that time , I didnt really talk much with the girl and just had a brief conversation and after the meeting I pretty much gave my consent to this relationship and even the girl agreed.

 

3 weeks back we exchanged phone numbers and started talking on the phone and the first couple of conversations were fine and the objective here was to get to know each other and connect.

 

The dilemma that I am facing is I am not feeling any connection with the girl , I just dont feel like calling her and plus I find her accent repulsive (she is from the country side and I am from the city) .There is nothing wrong with the girl , she is sweet and pretty, her character is impeccable , ready to make adjustments for me, holds a masters degree etc etc .But because of her accent and the way she talks , I just dont feel like talking to her.

 

I spoke about this issue to my parents and they are trying to convince me by saying that it is a minor issue and her accent and the way she talks will change after she moves to the city but I am just not convinced.I just dont feel the connection with her.

Sometimes I feel I should go ahead with the marriage and things will iron out and sometimes I feel what if later on I just cant bear it anymore .Maybe its a minor issue for some but for me the way a person talks is much more important than physical attributes.

 

This is a typical Indian arranged marriage and I am someone who has always been independent and stayed single for most of my twenties.My parents are trying their best to convince me and I am myself highly confused .I dont want to hurt the girl or keep her in doubt or limbo and if I say 'no' straight away ...I feel I may lose out on a good girl who is genuinely interested in me.

 

I know I may have said 'yes' after our first meeting and its only after these telephonic conversations, I have realised this problem.

 

I just dont like the way she talks and her accent,and thats it , there is no other issue.I am worried if I say 'no' I will regret this later .Also all the conversations we had over the phone , she was the one who called except the first time.I never really felt like calling her the way I feel like calling any female colleague or a female friend of mine.

 

What shall I do ?

 

P.S: I am sorry if the mesage was too long , I had to be explicit.

 

I am not Indian but I am in favor of arranged marriages if both parties are happy with the arrangement. I do not think that she is the right girl for you. You need to remember that to honor both families you need to be sure that you are compatible and can see a future together and I do not think this is the case here.

[qtegirl]

All l I had to do was read the subject line. I completely understand tradition certain countries have about arranged marriages, as well as respect them. I know a couple that has been set up this way.

 

Personally I wouldn't do it. If you have different views or feelings about the matter...follow them. Best of luck to you. It's a tough decision when you are worried about what everyone thinks or wants. Do what you feel is right.

[blossom0123]

Hi ,

 

I am Ravi and I am 30 years old , male from India.I am single and ready to get married.Few months back I met a girl (the meeting was arranged by each others family members).I knew when I was meeting the girl that it was for marriage and after that my opinion would be sought , whether I like the girl or not.

 

At that time , I didnt really talk much with the girl and just had a brief conversation and after the meeting I pretty much gave my consent to this relationship and even the girl agreed.

 

3 weeks back we exchanged phone numbers and started talking on the phone and the first couple of conversations were fine and the objective here was to get to know each other and connect.

 

The dilemma that I am facing is I am not feeling any connection with the girl , I just dont feel like calling her and plus I find her accent repulsive (she is from the country side and I am from the city) .There is nothing wrong with the girl , she is sweet and pretty, her character is impeccable , ready to make adjustments for me, holds a masters degree etc etc .But because of her accent and the way she talks , I just dont feel like talking to her.

 

I spoke about this issue to my parents and they are trying to convince me by saying that it is a minor issue and her accent and the way she talks will change after she moves to the city but I am just not convinced.I just dont feel the connection with her.

Sometimes I feel I should go ahead with the marriage and things will iron out and sometimes I feel what if later on I just cant bear it anymore .Maybe its a minor issue for some but for me the way a person talks is much more important than physical attributes.

 

This is a typical Indian arranged marriage and I am someone who has always been independent and stayed single for most of my twenties.My parents are trying their best to convince me and I am myself highly confused .I dont want to hurt the girl or keep her in doubt or limbo and if I say 'no' straight away ...I feel I may lose out on a good girl who is genuinely interested in me.

 

I know I may have said 'yes' after our first meeting and its only after these telephonic conversations, I have realised this problem.

 

I just dont like the way she talks and her accent,and thats it , there is no other issue.I am worried if I say 'no' I will regret this later .Also all the conversations we had over the phone , she was the one who called except the first time.I never really felt like calling her the way I feel like calling any female colleague or a female friend of mine.

 

What shall I do ?

 

P.S: I am sorry if the mesage was too long , I had to be explicit.

 

I would like to thank you people for your replies.I have been thinking about this a lot in the past few days and the reason being I dont want to keep her waiting or hurt her by giving her a false hope.Somehow I feel maybe its not the accent at all , I have been a guy who has pretty much been alone for most of his life , someone who really likes his space and all of sudden I have this girl calling me regularly and trying to get close to me hence I am resisting it cause I see my space being intruded.

 

 

What do you guys think ? Can this be the problem ?

 

It's hard to say what the real issue is here - that you are not really ready to get married/ want to keep your own space for a bit longer, that it is about the accent, or whether your reaction to her accent is just a sympton of some more general lack of connection/ attraction. But reading your post and the responses, the bottom line for me is that if you don't even feel like talking to her on the phone, your situation is going to get so much more difficult if you actually get married with the expectation of spending all your lives/ most of your time together, having children, making all decisions together etc. In that sense, what the real issue is is almost secondary, but if you feel this strongly against it already, I would be very reluctant in going ahead with it because I feel you're setting both of you up for failure later. She will sense your reservations/ lack of engagement, and you will be unhappy. It sounds like both of you are in situations where you still have some negotiation space with your families - so perhaps you should talk to her about it first? I really think you should be honest with this about her up front, because it's about her married life as well as yours. She would probably be quite reluctant to enter into this marriage if she knew the truth about how you feel. In that case, she might also convince her family that it is not a good idea, and it would then be easier for both of you to break it off, and hopefully find partners with which you are both more compatible.