califnan Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 You have commented that you have tried to teach the little girl the way in which she should go.. That is All you Can do. It's not necessary to take her on in this manner .. It is she and her mother. You are not married to her father - and even if you were, you would not have as much control over her as you would like.
Spiritofnow Posted July 5, 2010 Posted July 5, 2010 [quote=KikiW;2872835 This has been quite a learning experience, and I know we are pretty much at the limit of what we can do. Her mother sets an atrocious example, and there's no way we are going to change that... Exactly!!! As the great Greek philosopher, Epictetus (and my BF, who likes to remind me) says " we can only change the things that we have control over". Continue to oncentrate on that which you can change. Seems like you have had some great reflections on here. And remember, you are doing your best with the resources that you have - and it will pay off someday. Best of luck
Eve Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 That's the problem Eve, as soon as she leaves our custody, her mother will do whatever she wants, particularly if it gets back at her dad in any way. He can make suggestions that would GREATLY improve daughter's behavior, and life in general, but her mother is spiteful and quick to place blame on others for her own shortcomings. I agree that her weight is a HUGE (no pun intended at all) issue, and it wasn't until SO pointed out that since she has come, her belly is no longer bursting out of her t-shirts, she has dropped in weight (not a lot, but noticible). I make sure she eats 5 or more times a day, only smaller and healthier portions. Though her mother told SO "you need to do something about her weight" (implying that it's all his fault anyway so he needs to fix it in the 6 weeks we have her), I can bet a large sum of money that as soon as she sees her, she will be screaming into the phone about how we starved her. Her mother is very overweight, and the pictures I have seen of extended family are all about the same. Even SO comes from a heavyset family. I think part of it is the southern cooking - everything is very fried and very fattening. Since she will be going back to school shortly after she returns, I will encourage SO to contact the school and see if he can reach a counselor there. Hopefully they can find some ways to improve things without having to involve her mother very much (or at least not mention that it came from dad). This has been quite a learning experience, and I know we are pretty much at the limit of what we can do. Her mother sets an atrocious example, and there's no way we are going to change that - she is her mother and would love her even though she openly abuses her (in that "I will mentally mess with your head, but you will love me anyway because you see what I do to people who cross me, so don't even think about crossing me..." kind of way). I am only hoping that someday she will get the help she needs to become a better person than her mother, and that she will not have made so many poor decisions until then that she is trapped. So freaking heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you.. Hubby and I have been there with his ex. The control she could not get over him she transferred to her sons for a time. Keep being positive and real. This young lady will make up her own mind one day and the experiences you are providing will be a valuable foundation. Whatever you do try not to bad mouth her Mum in front of her. Ultimately the Mum will doing this day and night about you all. Try and make sure that your stepdaughter can speak openly when in your home whether the topic is a happy one or a sad one. Her hardship will be that she is going to have to work out what she wants to keep from her Mum and what she wants to leave behind. Make sure she understands that every other kid in the world goes through this. I know this may sound weird but keep at least two things in mind that her Mum does well and try and reflect upon these things with her so that she does not develop a sense of shame or feel as though she cannot fully be part of the family because of the time that she spends with her Mum. Kids should not be pulled into the games of adults who do not know how to be adults. Yes, aim high for her, just as you would for your own child but not in a way that suggests that she is at a loss because of her Mum. Hopefully she will learn that she can trust you as she goes through the teen years and will come out of all of this a wise person. So, laugh and have a good time as much as possible over the forthcoming weeks and do whatever you can once she is back in school. Let me clarify about that. A mentor would be my first option as this would encourage a normal, peer relationship pattern rather than going for a therapy type of relationship. But do what you think is right. Try not to fret over her. Take care, Eve xx
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